Kaushal's Pensieve

2012 Goals

2012-01-03T10:35:00.006+05:30

Its time to welcome 2012 with open arms, hug it, kiss it and set goals for the year. What do we wish to accomplish this year? What changes need to made in the physical and mental world to tide over whatever the year has to offer?

It always helps to set goals for the year so that you have a path to map. I've done it over the last two years - Resolutions 2010 & 2011 - which have helped me to evaluate myself in a much more objective manner.

And so here are my Resolutions for 2012. This time I have decided to keep them simple and measurable.

WRITE MORE: At least 15 book blogs and 50 personal blogs for the year. Get one story published in some form - print or web.
DO LESS: Specific to a friend who will understand.
LEARN GOLF: Start this at least this year.
ONE ADVENTURE EXPERIENCE: Everest Base Camp Trek or something else.
REDUCE BELLY: Shave off at least 2" from waist.
HOLIDAY: Two learning & relaxing holidays with family. One with friends.
DO MORE: More of charity work. More of charity contributions. Give back some more.
LEARN: Something new - language, course related to work etc.

So there, plain and simple are the 8 resolutions for 2012.

What are yours?

2011 - A Retrospect

2012-01-03T09:56:00.005+05:30

And so one more year rolls by in the journey of life. Another year of happiness, sadness, angst, euphoria, smiles, tears and experiences. 2011 was an uneventful year in terms of extreme highs or depressing lows and I am thankful to God for that. An uneventful year is a year well spent because if gives you peace and contentment. It does not stress you and gives you time to spend with yourself. That does not mean, of course, that interesting things did not happen in the year - on the contrary, there were a lot of things that happened this year.

The start of the year was with a bit of stress - stress of the job I was doing and wondering where I am headed in the organisation. While I loved working in Citrix, I was not enjoying my work and so getting a bit stressed about it. Thankfully another door opened and I moved into a different role which has given me immense learning and a good stress. I enjoy my work, love my organisation and can see growth prospects in the role.

The middle of the year saw the GMC's long cherished dream of a holiday coming true. We finally went to Singapore as a group in May. We planned, we holiday-ed, we had fun, we got to know each other a lot better and we survived. For me the holiday was an eye-opener in terms of getting to know the others. My feelings for one got stronger, my feelings for another got weaker and my feelings for the third the same. But, yes, we did have a lot of fun together and may do another holiday soon. Ruchi moved out to Mumbai and the group dynamics of GMC changed completely. With a disjointed extension the group no longer meets as often though we speak to each other seperately. We realised that we need to put in more effort now to keep the group together.

The later part of the year saw my parents shifting base from Delhi to Mumbai and that was an interesting experience. It was nostalgic in terms of packing and un-packing stuff, things that we used to do so very often when we were kids. After a stay of over 15 years, my parents let go of a lot of inconsequential things in Delhi and moved their life to Mumbai and Hyderabad - a monumental move at their age and stage of life. A lot of respect for them.

On a personal front, I jumped twice this year - once from the top of a tower in Macau (Bungee) and once from a plane in San Francisco (Skydiving). That has got my adventure buds tingling and I want to do one adventure every year. I've started planning for a Trek to Everest Base Camp for 2012 - lets see if it happens. The year ended on a not-to-good a note as I hurt a close friend - something that I never intended to do. That made me resolve to try not to do that in 2012, back off and not put too much pressure on the friend for this relationship.

And so its time to re-look at the 2011 resolutions made at the beginning of the year and see how we fared. So here goes:

STAY HEALTHY: Make sure that I use the gym at least 50% of the time i.e 183 days at least. Why 50%? Because I travel a lot and because weekends are off-limits. {Used much less but thankfully did not gain too much weight}.
STAY HAPPY: Try to reduce stress as much as possible. Remember nothing in life is worth stressing about. {Overall was a happy year}
BE A GOOD FRIEND: Unobtrusive, always at hand, helpful, lending a shoulder. Try not to loose a friendship. Be open in thoughts. Do not judge anyone. {Undecided. Was obtrusive but good on other counts. Must ask Sowmya to rate this one}
BE A GOOD HUSBAND & FATHER: Take care of the family. Do not be a cause of stress to wife and kids. Be helpful to kids and stand by them. Try to inculcate good values in them through practice and not preaching. {Fairly OK}
TRY NEW THINGS: Push the limits of experience. Try new things - be they food or experiences. Bungee Jumping and Sky Diving are two things I want to do this year. {Definite Yes, both done}
LEARN GOLF: This is a unfulfilled resolutions carried over from last year. Its a great game and teaches one a lot of patience and focus. Try to learn golf. {Carried over & Carry Over}
HAVE MORE HOLIDAYS: Learn to relax and chill. Try to have at least 1 holiday every quarter with family and friends. {Between Singapore, Kolkata and others - this was OK}
BUILD A BRAND: Build a brand for myself. Try to see if I can use my experience and knowledge to build a name for myself. Try to speak on marketing at colleges and events - at least 6 speaking opps this year. Try to blog on marketing on a popular site - at least 12 blogs in the year. {This was a no-go from the time I changed my job}
BLOG MORE: Continue blogging on this and my other blog. While the Book Review blog is active based on the books that I read, this blog has suffered. I want to try and cross 150 blogs on this blog - thats 70 blogs in 365 days. {Book Review was OK but Pensieve suffered big time. Must do better though I crossed 100 blogs finally}
EDUCATE MYSELF: Identify the gaps in my skill sets and undergo training to fill those gaps. These could be executive education or sessions in that particular skill set. Constantly try to learn new skills and things. Keep the brain active. More importantly use those skills in daily life - professional or personal. {Carried Over & Carry Over}
PUBLISH SOMETHING: Try to get my writing published. Could be a book, an article, a story, a letter but try and see if my writing can be spread wider. {Got my blogs published but then it was a self-publishing exercise}

Thank you for 2011 and time to look forward to 2012! Adios 2011!

Value perception of a Gift

2011-12-15T09:35:00.004+05:30

'Its the thought that matters' is a oft used line when one gets a gift - the assumption being that the gifter has given enough thought to the likes and dislikes of the giftee to make this the perfect representation of what the giftee would love and swoon over. But have you noticed that this line is usually used when the 'swooning' does not happen. If the giftee really loves the gift, the eyes sparkle, the face lights up, the smile widens and a bear hug usually follows or at least a heartfelt Thank you. If none of the above happens and you get this line from the giftee - rest assured the gift was not liked that much but the giftee is too polite to say it.

Let's be frank among friends - isn't that the truth? How many times have you used this line on someone when you were not too pleased with the gift but had to show that you were.

A very basic core emotion of humans is satisfaction which comes from materialistic things. We put a value to all things that we experience in life. Our perception of the value may differ from someone else's but we do put a value on 'it' and IT also includes gifts that we get from time to time. When we get an unexpected gift or when we get a gift we really wanted and love, we show our emotions much more easily because we have put tremendous value on that gift. The 'Value Quotient' is very high.

This dichotomy between value and thought hit home recently on two diverse occasions. I am a strong believer in the 'thought' process of gifting i.e to gift a unique thing to close people after giving it considerable thought. I have gifted things like a bar game to people who enjoy drinks, a unique ash tray to friends who smoke, a framed group photo with messages from all the friends and some more.

For one of my friend I have been gifting these unique gifts over a period of time. Some of the gifts have been expensive and sometime not but each gift had a thought process, a reason and effort behind making it. In my perception the VQ was high but not for my friend. This year I gave my friend a branded product - something where I put a thought but low effort. The reaction was interesting as the friend thought that I had 'upped' the bar this year with the gift. For my friend, this gift had a high VQ!

At the other end, I recently gave another friend a unique customised pair of shoes where I put a lot of thought into the design, the colour scheme, the message, the type of shoe and followed up with the artist to get it done. For me the VQ was extremely high for this gift. When I showed it to some other people though for them the statement was 'You are gifting a shoe'? It just hit me that the VQ for my friend may not be that high for the gift.

At the end of the day all of us value the percieved monetory aspect of the gift rather than the thought given to the gift and that's a reality. In 2012, lets make a resolution to try and get beyond that.

When you get a gift, look at the thought process behind the gift and not the monetory value. If you say - 'Its the thought that matters' - mean it!

910603234300000

2011-08-20T12:00:00.005+05:30

No, this is not someone's phone number or mobile number or a bank account number. This is, apparently, the total amount of money that the country has lost due to corruption at a larger scale. The figures may vary but we cannot dispute the fact that this is a significant amount lost for the people - money that could have been put to a good use for our betterment, if not for the greed of a few people.

At the cost of sounding unpolitical and making a drastic statement, I condone but understand the small time corruption of a few hundred rupees done by the policeman for letting you go for a traffic violation or the clerk for making your file 'move faster' but I don't understand the multi-crore rupees scam that a few people indulge in! I do agree that at one level its the same virus of corruption albeit at a much larger scale but don't the people who initiate these kinds of scams realise that the fallout of that is immense? Yes, for every few scams unearthed and the people caught, there could be many more still hidden in our country but isn't the whole media glare and ignomity of being paraded naked of all reputation enough for the others to get scared? Or is the lure of immense wealth so strong that people still indulge in these scams? Have scams become a part of our culture? And have we as people become immune to it?

Didn't this clerk realise that he would get caught or did he think that if he did he could 'bribe' himself out of it? The other thing that I find difficult to fathom is that these indivuduals who scam the government and us cannot enjoy their money openly anyway! If they do, they risk getting caught - so what fun is amassing wealth that you cannot use? Is it for their children? And when they get caught and their reputation is tarnished? Would their children be happy? I guess the question is how much is enough? Once the corruption virus enters your psychology when does it let go? Or does it at all?

I guess the DNA for people who are corrupt and aren't is different. We must aim to inculcate some simple values in our children - in the next generation.

Money is not everything - its just something to help you live the way you want to happily.
Having more money does not mean that you are smart. Give them examples of Harshad Mehta, Telgi, Katta, Kalmadi.
Money cannot buy you respect. That has too be earned and you earn it by doing the right things.

I read this brilliant article in HBR - Money and the meaning of life - that reflects a lot of thoughts that I have about the importance of money in ours lives. Greed should not be the motivator for money.

LG & My issues!

2011-07-02T19:27:00.005+05:30

No No....this is n't about the company LG or any consumer issues and complaints. This is the first part of the LGBT segment of people. For those who don't know that acronym (which world are you in, really?) its stands for 'Lesbian Gay Bisexual & Transgender' segment of people.

And I don't have any personal issues with the LG segment in that. Like any other straight guy I fantasise about lesbians and wonder about gay men. But at the same time I also live life with a credo - To each his own. If that is what makes one happy then so be it. Happiness is what matters most. What would I do if a gay man hit on me? I don't know - I'll probably be flattered but also let him know that my orientation is different.

So what is my issue? While I am OK with gay marriage and gay couples, I am not able to reconcile myself with gay parenthood. I am still of the traditional belief that a child needs both a father and a mother for a balanced mental growth. The influences of a man and a woman in the child's life probably help the child to get a balanced view of both the sexes that would help him/her in the long term.

But under this logic what about children of single parents or divorced parents or widowed parents or even children of parents that fight or abuse each other, you may ask? And you are right. I believe that the effects on these situations do shape the mental makeup of the child as he/she grows up. I am sure there is research out there somewhere which talks about how it affects the child in adulthood. Could be commitment phobia or becoming abusive or assuming that this is how life is etc. These don't bother me as much since I probably take these are part of 'natural' world - the italics and quotes being mine.

I think that in parenthood it is natural to have one male and one female member as part of your family. In all the above scenarios there is one member but not the other and that is a gap that is felt. The child probably grows up assuming that gap is a natural and tries to fill up that gap in adulthood in his/her own way. I think the world has become sensitive enough to take these situations as normal and educate the child in its own way. Gay parenthood, on the other hand, is something that is new and will require a whole lot of culture change in society and people. I think its unfair to put that burden on a small child of having to explain to their peers on why both their parents are male or female. I think that is expecting a lot from the child and its not fair to force that on a child for your own happiness.

What would the child go through? How would the child reconcile with the fact that everywhere there is one of each of both sexes but in my family both are of one kind. In the traditional world of father (male) and mother (female), who do I call father and mother when both are males or females? I find that situation difficult to explain and reconcile in my mental make-up. Is it right for gay couples to make a child go through all that pain for your own happiness?

At this moment I am on the side of 'No' for gay parenthood. I still need conviction to believe that its a correct thing. I still think society needs to mature way too much to give children of gay parents a fair chance at growing up. In a world that still does not accept gay relationships that easily, is it right to make the small children go through the trails and tribulations that will definitely accompany gay parents?

I am not sure. What about you?

To charity or not?

2011-06-12T18:37:00.004+05:30

So here's a question that has been troubling me for some time now.

Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Vinod Khosla and a whole lot of wealthiest individuals and families in America decided to commit to give the majority of their wealth to the philanthropic causes and charitable organizations of their choice either during their lifetime or after their death. You can see all those 'donations' on 'The Giving Pledge'.

And then they decided to come to India to ask Indian noblesse to contribute their wealth. When they didn't get a great response the Indian media started to take them to task. And that's what has been troubling me. Is that right? Do the rich have to contribute their wealth? Is that an obligation or should it come from the heart? Are we right to judge those that decide not to contribute?

The answer to this debate gets into the realm of morality and capitalism v/s socialism. In our mass Indian culture, capitalism or the need to amass wealth is looked at with scorn. In line with our spiritual perception we are supposed to be altruistic in nature and also, incidentally, politically right and diplomatic. We are not supposed to flaunt our wealth and people who remain 'the same' inspite of being wealthy are rewarded with kind words and good image as compared to people who 'flaunt' their wealth. Don't believe me? Tell me what you think of Azim Premji or Narayan Murthy and now what do you think of Mukesh Ambani. Believe me now?

Coming back to the topic I have three views on the questions that I raised.

View 1: In US of A, the kids leave the house at 18 and are supposed to make a life of their own. In fact old age homes are a neccesity and taken for granted. Parents take care of themselves and go to an old age home. In such a scenario the thinking is more for yourself as compared to your kids. You have to first take care of yourself. If after that you have money left over, I guess you are at a liberty to think of giving away that wealth for a good cause and indulge in philantrophy. In India we start our lives thinking about ourselves and when we have kids we start living for them. All our success and wealth is tuned towards how we can take care of our children to the best of our ability till we die. We amass wealth to an extent to try and ensure that our children will live a happy life in case they are not able to find success that we did. If they do then they continue to grow the wealth for their kids. It is assumed that our children will take care of us in our old age and hence we do not make 'arrangements' for ourselves. In such a situation the wealth that we are earning is for our children and hence probably the low levels of obvious philantrophy.

View 2: Usually when you have wealth that people think you should share, you have worked very hard to get that wealth. Even if its ancestral if you have grown it, you have worked hard to do that. So I assume one would like to enjoy the wealth that one has worked hard for. If a Mukesh Ambani decides to build an Atilla, why not? he's worked for it. If I buy a new car every few years, I've worked hard to be able to do that. I believe that a person has a right to decide how he/she wants to spend the money that they have worked hard for and we have no right to judge someone who does not do blatant philantrophy.

And View 3: Philantrophy or charity is something that must come from the heart. It cannot be forced on you. Either you want to do it or you don't want to. You don't put a spotlight on someone and ask them to be philantrophic. At the same time, I believe that charity and philantrophy should not be spoken about. If you really believe in it and want to do it, you should do it quietly. Its not something to garner publicity from.

A recent article in Sunday Times resonated with my thinking in some ways and got to pen my thoughts down. You can read more about that here.

So there, at the present time these are my thoughts. Maybe these will change over time. I am sure a lot of you will disagree with some of my views and maybe some of you will agree.

For me charity or philantrophy must come from the heart and must be something that you do for yourself, not to tell others.

Skydiving: An amazing adventure!

2011-05-28T18:49:00.002+05:30

What makes someone jump from a plane at 13,000 ft? Are they out of their mind? Don't they think about the risks involved?

Because it can be done!

I guess that's what seperates the people who do it from the people who don't. If you recall two of my resolutions for 2011 was Bungee Jump and skydiving. I did the world's highest bungee in Macau in Jan and today I did skydiving. What an experience! What a rush!

When I got to know that I will be coming to San Francisco, I started to do my web research for skydiving. I knew that the best place to do skydiving is in US, given the safety standards and processes that they will follow. I narrowed it down to some and decided that I will do it on the weekend prior to my conference. But the joy of meeting my friend after 10 years was enough for the weekend. I had all but given up hope to do skydiving on my current trip. Then I was mentioning this to my boss - Sanjay Deshmukh - and he said why not?

So across 25th May we called some spots around the area, finalised on one and booked our slot for 9am next morning at Skydance Skydiving in Davis, CA. Sanjay went on to hire a car and we left at 6.30am on a bright sunny morning on 26th May from our hotel. Sanjay drove and I accompanied him, as the sweet voice on the Garmin GPS gave us directions from Hilton Hotel in SFO to Yolo County in Davis, CA. We got there by 8am even before the place had opened. There were two young guys in line before us for the 8am slot and then it was us. So what happens now?

Well let me switch the narration style here. Skydance Skydiving is a cute little place in the middle of a picturesque county in CA surrounded by hills and beautiful plains. You first sign up for the package that you wish to take. You have a choice of 9000 ft, 13000 ft and 18000ft - the last one being with oxygen. The 9000ft jump gives you a free fall of 30 seconds, the 13000 one of 60 seconds and the 18000 one - well we didn't look at that. You pay extra if you want photos and video. We decided on the 13000ft with photos and videos package and it cost us US$ 305. The interesting part is that you pay the amount to the center, she then takes two small envelopes, places some money in it and marks one to be given to the tandem instructor and one to the video guy. So we asked why? Apparently the instructors and the video guy are freelance consultants and for the process to be followed they have to be paid by us. So the small cute little envelopes with money in them. Anyway you are also given a small coupon to redeem for your free T-Shirt.

You are then taken to a small room with lots of chairs and clip boards with forms and pen stuck on them. You are shown a video of skydiving and explained all the horrible things that can happen and that you are signing up for all possibilities. Wow, they show you this after you have paid the money, smart! Anyway you sign the forms and give it to the instructor. He then tells you what the next process will be.

You are explained that you will be given a jump suit and a harness to wear. When you are in the plane you will sit on your instructor's lap as he harnesses himself to you so that both of you are tightly clasped. You are harnessed at the shoulder and hip level with multiple harnesses and clasps. When you reach the altitude your instructor will slide along the plane to the door. Your feet will be dangling down the door and your hands will be holding your harness at the shoulder. You then place your head back on your instructor's shoulder, turn right and give a big smile to the video guy. And then you are off. As you fall off the door you must arch your back as much as possible and turn you legs back on to your instructor's ass. This is the position you keep through the free fall. The instructor also deploys a small parachute to slow the speed of fall. Once stabilised the instructor will tap you on your shoulder and you can then move your hands around. At 7500 ft he will show you the altimeter and guide your hand to the orange ball that holds the main chute. At 6500 ft you yank on it to deploy the main parachute. Then you just glide to the ground and enjoy the view. Remember all this is being explained to you on the ground in a small room before you have even worn your harness. So you smile and show that you are excited.

Then you wait till your name gets called. They had only two intructors when we got there and the two guys before us went first. We were now committed and there was no backing out. Sanjay and me watched as the plane took off with the first batch and then followed the descent to the ground. And then our names were called.

We met the first guys in the hanger and they were pumped with excitement. We, on the other hand, were wondering what we got ourselves into. We got introduced to our instructors or tandem guy - Garon for me. We wore the blue suit and the harness and practiced the procedure one more time. The video guy was there and he took my video before the airplane. We then got in with fake bravado smiles and we were off. As we reached 6000 ft, Sanjay and me looked at each other and exchanged a glance that we were only half way up and already we could see nothing down. Sanjay went first and then it was my turn.

Garon slid along the length of the small aircraft and before we knew it we were at the door with my feet dangling down. At that time my thinking and processing brain shut down. I was in the zone and was not thinking about what I was about to do or the associated risks. I placed my head on Garon's shoulder, turned right, smiled for the camera and with a sway or two we JUMPED! What the......!!

The first five seconds your brain does not process what has happened. Then it kicks in and you enjoy the rush. What a fantastic feeling. You are falling to the earth, the wind rushing to your face, twisting your cheeks, gravity pulling you down, the cold air numbing your fingers but the adrenaline rush is overpowering. As the video guy comes around you are smiling, waving, making signs and having a hell of a lot of fun. Its an experience that cannot be described. Each person will have their own twist to it. For me it was a serene, out-of-body experience. The earth was far far below, the clouds were around me and I was actually doing this! I looked around taking in the perspective from this height. But just as you start to enjoy the ride, its time to pull the chute. One moment you are falling and the next you have been pulled back and are in a standing posture. Frankly at that time it seems to you that it ended too soon. I wanted more of the free fall. I want more!

Once the chute is pulled it is a more easy glide. I tried my hand at the parachute as well for some time but then gave the controls to the instructor and just sat back and enjoyed the ride. It was absolutely beautiful. At this stage your brain is still processing the free fall that you had just experienced. As you near the earth the instructor asks you to raise your legs and he slides along the ground to a perfect landing. You are unharnessed and you shout and scream at the awesome fantastic thing you just experienced.

For a few moments after that I just stood there and realised that I had jumped from a plane at 13000ft, fallen for 60 seconds and then come back to earth safe and sound. Would I want to do it again? Absolutely! And this was all thanks to Sanjay Deshmukh!

So why did I do it? To push myself. To push the mental blocks. To make my kids realise that you should not fear new experiences. To say that I DID SKYDIVING! In your face, dudes!

Security & Suspicion: A Mugging Story!

2011-05-22T13:09:00.003+05:30

I had seen it in Hollywood movies. I had read it in newspapers and novels. And I had wondered what would happen if I faced the situation. Well, I no longer need to wonder.

I got mugged in the US of A!

Well, we got mugged - a close friend of mine and I. And this didn't happen in the late evening or night. Neither did it happen in a lonely downtown area where we should not have been at all.

At around 3 in the afternoon, my friend and I walked close to where the car was parked after a good walk and lunch at Fisherman's Wharf - the most happening and crowded place in San Francisco area. As we neared our car, my friend was on his phone talking to his wife. He had his Nikon D50 DSLR slung on his right shoulder and I was just behind him. The street between the two junctions was empty of poeple - a small lull on that otherwise busy street. At both the junctions there were people. Suddenly we saw this young black kid - about 15 yrs old, 5ft 2in maybe, wearing a black jacket and a black cap - grab the camera strap and yelling "Give me the camera. Give me the camera". For about 10 seconds both my friend and me wondered why he wanted the camera and I was about to ask him what he was doing. Then our eyes went down and we saw a grey semi-automatic gun in his hand. It was hidden at his waist but clearly visible. We both thought that maybe it was a fake gun but this being US of A, he opened up his arms and the kid grabbed the camera. My friend was still on his phone and the kid said "Give me your phone as well". My friend and me were absolutely blank and just stared at his face. We moved back a couple of steps and the kid just bolted with the camera shoving the gun into his jacket pocket.

My friend and I looked at each other and suddenly woke up from a trance. We were both wondering what happened a few seconds back and suddenly realised that we had been robbed. We had been mugged in broad daylight at a most busy place by a young black kid with a gun. We had had a gun pointed at us and had survived. We were shaken and completely disturbed. We started discussing how we knew the gun was a fake and how we could have overpowered the young kid. Then slowly reality sunk in and we realised that this was US of A where people have been shot for lesser things. This was a black kid with a gun with nothing to lose. He ran away with the camera but he could easily have shot one of us and ran away as well. No one would have stopped him then either. Could we or should we have taken a chance that this was not a real gun? Should we have wrestled with him and risk getting randomly shot by a young guy who was probably scared and trigger happy? If we had wrestled him were his other gang members around who would have come to his rescue? We realised we had done the right thing.

My friend then called 911 and within minutes a cop car was there. The cops took the description of the kid and the event, sent a despatch across to HQ which I assume went to all other cars nearby, gave us a case number and apologised to me when I told them that I was a visitor. But me and my friend were completely shaken.

I am now a suspicious man in the US. I am a worried man about my own security. When we were waiting for a cop car to get to us, I locked the car doors and was looking with suspicion at a young woman who was waiting near our car. The street was a but deserted again for a few seconds before the junction signals changed but I was suspicious. We just went to a movie theater to see if we could catch a movie. We had waited in a slightly deserted parking lot of a mall as he searched on his phone for a nearby theater where the tickets would be available. After a few minutes I saw two people walking and a few cars coming into the parking lot. I asked my friend to screw the movie and just start moving the car. I was paraniod wondering if those people walking the street or those cars at 1130pm were general folks or criminals.

This episode has left a bad taste in my mouth for USA. If we can get mugged in broad daylight with a gun then where are we safe in this country? If a gun is in the hands of a 15yr old kid whose sole intention is to rob then what safety are we talking about in the developed country of USA? Thankfully it was just my friend and I without his family. What if his kids were with us and this guy would have pointed a gun at my friend's kid?

I no longer feel secure in USA and unfortunately I will now view every black man and kid with suspicious eyes and set perception in my mind. This is the most unfortunate backlash of this experience.

Now I just want to go home to my 'safe' India. At least I won't get robbed at gun point on busy M.G.Road at 3 in the afternoon - however 'bad' my country may be!

Power in a Relationship

2011-05-15T15:11:00.003+05:30

"The Power in a relationship lies with the one who cares less" says Michael Douglas in 'Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past'.

This was a very intriguing statement and got me thinking. Was it really true? If you care less about a particular relationship, do you control that relationship? Sad as it may sound, I realised that it might be true!

When you are not that invested in a relationship, when it doesn't make a difference to you if the relationship works or not, you control the flow of the relationship. The balance between the one who is indifferent and the one to whom it matters the most is quite evident and skewed. And this is true in any relationship - whether its friendship, its a project team, its work related or its love.

In fact in love there is a corollary statement to this. It is said that you should marry the one who loves you as compared to marrying the one you love. The thought being that in this case the onus of making the relationship work is one the one who does the 'loving' or in other words the one who cares a lot for the relationship. The Power equation is clear and called out.

In fact the popular serial "How I met your mother" has an episode on this called 'The Hook' in which Barney proves that everyone has a hook - a person that they keep around just so that they can feel better. In life you have a hook and are a hook for someone.

I've been on both sides of the equation. I've had someone as a hook, was someone who was loved, was the one with Power in that relationships since it really didn't matter to me if that worked or not, I did not treat the person with the respect she deserved. I'm not proud of that because I am sure I hurt her a lot when I ended it.

I have also been on the other side as well - where I was the hook, I was the one doing the loving and I was the one who was under the Power in the relationship. It doesn't feel good. It gets frustrating because you hope that the person realises how much you love her and loves you back. Sometimes it does, sometimes it just doesn't.

So what do you do? Here is my submission.

If you are the one who holds the Power, if you are the one who is loved, if you are the one who has the hook - just treat the person who is loving you with respect. Treat them well and show them that they are special and that you value that love, though you may not be able to love them back in that manner.

If you are the one who is under the Power, if you are the one doing the loving, if you are the one on the hook - you have a choice. Either you can continue to love the person and hope. Or you can decide to walk away and give yourself a break. There is no right answer because love is not something that you can measure and take a call. Its just there. There are times when you will love that person for a long time and continue to hope. I just hope that the person listens to the para on top.

Love Is Strange!

Love, Sex aur Dhoka

2011-03-29T12:06:00.003+05:30

No, I am not reviewing the movie by the same name but rather taking the context to espouse about a topic that is very very controversial. Needless to say, unlike my other posts, this post won't find its way to my facebook page.

So the intent of this post is to get you to think and respond on "Is sex with person 2 while in love with person 1 considered a dhoka?" The clear obvious answer is Of Course, how could you ask a question like this? But this has intrigued me for some time.

Love is an emotional state of mind. When you identify with the person, when you overlook their flaws, when you are willing to do anything for the person, when you want to be with the person at all times, when you forgive their mistakes; that's when you reach an emotional state of mind called Love.

Sex, on the other hand, is a physical state of affair. Note that I do not call it a 'state-of-mind' because I don't believe it is. In its base form sex is a physical need that needs fulfillment. It is the core of lust and many a times has nothing to do with love.

Sex is also a natural progression into the physical realm of the emotional state of love. How do you show your love for a person? When you feel an overwhelming sense of love for a person, when you need to show it and shower the person with your feelings, it leads naturally into a physical form. But then its not called sex - its called love making! And it is the true representation of love. You do make physical the emotional state of love and hence love-making or making-love.

And therein lies the Catch22 situation. And I think the way that a man and a woman look at this part of the relationship. Most men compartmentalise sex and love-making into seperate sections. They love someone dearly and for them that is making love to the person. At the same time most men are sexually driven and use sex as a means to fulfill that physical need. They don't look at sex and love-making in the same sense. They make-love to one person and have sex with someone else. That is the core reason for prostitution, in my view, among many other things. And maybe to some extent infidelity, although I think in their minds its infidelity.

For most of the women, sex is actually love-making. It is a natural progression post the emotional bonding. Women move towards the physical act only after achieveing the emotional bonding. Without the emotional bonding of love, there is no sex. In that sense when their man has sex outside of marriage it is cheating because in their minds how can the man have sex unless he is in love with her. That means he doesn't love me anymore. And its emotional cheating. I don't think (and I could be wrong) that their anger and feeling of loss is more on the emotional front (he loves someone else) rather than on the physical front (he had sex with someone else).

For women, Love (one) & Sex (with other) is Dhoka. For men, Love (one) & Sex (with other) is not Dhoka.

What is right and what is wrong? Truly? I don't know. I know the obvious answer but in truth I am not so sure!

Change

2011-02-28T10:10:00.004+05:30

The Bangalore International Airport shifted 40 Kms away from the city and everyone was up in arms - its too far, we'll have to leave 5 hrs early, keep the current airport running and so on.

Airtel changed their logo and the social space in India went nuts taking it apart - it looks like a squiggle, what - this is called a logo?

Facebook introduced a new way to view photos and the buzz began again - I hate it, I want the earlier way back.

Why is CHANGE such a bad word? Our first involuntary reaction to change is always resistance and negative. We wishes things did not change and that everything remained the same always. Once we know how things work we want them to always be that way. Its easy to do the same job everyday, its easy to take the same route, do the same routine, watch the same programs, have the same relationships and you can extend that to almost any aspect of your life.

But change we do - from the moment we are conceived. We change in physical, mental and emotional status. We grow, we evolve, we learn, we adjust and we change. The fear of change seems to be linked to our growing consiousness. You change the settings for a child and the child seems to adjust easily to the new settings. As a parent have you given a thought on how you 'blame' the fact that you cannot change your house or job or city because your children will not be able to adjust? And have you realised that if you are forced to do that, the children adjust the most easily. They make their surroundings their own and form new relationships with the ecosystem.

As we grow older we seem to get 'set' in our ways. We get comfortable with the way things are and with the fact that we know how the world is supposed to work. We fear that if things are changed then we will lose the semblance of order and be thrust into chaos. We fear that we will be unable to deal with it and most of all we fear the loss of existing knowledge. We tend to become change-resistant with age. But resistance to change brings with it its own problems of stress, frustration and anger.

We sometimes tend to remain in the same job or relationship or city giving up seemingly better options because of this fear of change. I know what is needed of me in this job or I know how to deal with his/her emotions in this relationship or I know this city so well and I have friends etc etc that I am OK to let go of that 'better' alternative. But we also envy those who seem to take up those options and seem to do well compared to us. That gets us thinking if we would have been 'happier' if we had taken up that change option. Remember this is all a perception that could crop up.

For me change is a state of mind at that moment of time. If you are able to adjust to that change, the fact that changed becomes a part of your now daily life. Recall all those times when you resisted change but had to change. Do you recall why you resisted the change? Now it feels stupid that you had to resist it because this is how life is, isn't it? This becomes the current comfort zone and you will go through the same process if the current status quo were to change. No one thinks twice about the time and distance to the new Bangalore airport now. There are no discussions on the Airtel logo and we continue to be on facebook irrespective of how many changes they bring.

While these are trivial things the bigger changes in life too fall under the same process. Its all in the mind. The intelligent thing to do is to analyse what will change, why it will change and build your new world around that because frankly change is the only thing that keeps life exciting. Without things changing life would be so boring that we might as well just sleep through it!

The best way to end would be the quote from 'Forty Rules of Love' - Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?

Crazy / Cute in Love!

2011-02-06T13:13:00.004+05:30

And so its the Love Season again. Valentine's day is around the corner and the world has turned pink with media, shops, websites all inciting people to spend money in pursuit of love. Of course the meaning of love changes with every generation. While in our parents time it was supposed to happen only after marriage, in our times some of us were bold enough to love before marraige and in the next generation 'love' is a commodity to be freely exchanged.....or is that lust? I can never be sure.

But when you are in the throes of love there are so many things you do which in hindsight seem insane. And you wonder what made you do that? I call these the Crazy or Cute (depends which side of the fence you are) things in Love. When you did it, it seemed like the best thing to show her/him the depth of your love. A few years later you wondered if you were in the right senses or you thought that you were so naive and cute.

As I looked back I thought of the things that I have done in love and so here are some of the crazy/cute things that I have done in Love in random order.

I guess the first woman most men do something for is their mom. I remember collecting money in my piggy bank and then on one of her birthdays going to a shop and buying lipstick for her. I bought a couple of them, gift wrapped them and a gave it to her on her birthday. That was an 'awww' moment.
As I grew older my focus of course shifted to girls my age although I was a complete introvert. I remember having a massive crush on a girl in my study class in 11th std called Madhu L. She was a Gujju with flowing curvy hair and I would wait at the Santacruz railway station for her to come and (in my stick figure bravado) ensure that she would get into the train at 5.30am when we would go to our classes in Dadar. I wrote her name on pieces of paper and on my clothes!
Then came Engineering college and I 'fell in love' with a Tam Bram girl with long plaited hair who was one year junior to me - Sripriya G. She said she wanted an engg book that she saw with me. Instead of loaning her mine, I went out and bought her one. For Valentine's I actually put a message for her in the newspaper hoping she would notice it. I wrote a story that got published in Indian Express for Valentine's Day that was around a guy initiating a Rose Day in college for the girl he loved.
The best was saved for the last, of course. This time I really was in love. I wrote poems for her. I made gifts for her. I wrote stories, learnt to ride a bike and was like a moth drawn to a flame. And when she said that our 'affair' would be over when she shifted from Delhi to Bangalore at the end of our management course, I was distraught. I convinced my parents that Bangalore was a much better option in terms of job even though I had an offer from Delhi as well where they stayed. For her and to convince her that ours was a long term relationship I shifted to Bangalore, stayed in PG acco's where we got worms for brakfast but re-initiated our 'affair' to convince her. This one, thankfully, resulted in a happy ending and we've been married now for 12 years. The crazy/sute things have continued after that as well. I've written or made greeting cards for my wife, bought presents and tried to keep her happy! :)

There have, of course, been girls that I knew I was 'in love with' and I bought multiple gifts and did crazy or cute things for them like gifting books, doing their work, worrying about them, making things for them and so on. The story has been one-sided till I stuck gold with my wife and life has been golden since!

So what's your crazy/cute Love Story?

World's Highest Bungy Jump

2011-01-22T18:42:00.003+05:30

What makes someone jump from a height of 233 mtrs with a cord tied to their ankles? Why would someone put their life in danger and do a bungy jump? Bravery and Courage or Studpidity and Madness?

In my case it was a New Year Resolution and the fact that it can be done. I have always believed in attempting to push the limits of mental abilities. Fear, in my opinion, is a state of mind. It resides in your mind and can be overcome there.

When I got to know a few months back that we would be going to Macau for our Sales Kickoff I decided to do the Skywalk on the Macau Tower. It had been done by a close friend of mine and it seemed exciting. Then I got to know that the Macau Tower has the World's Highest Bungy Jump and I was hooked. This had to be done. I booked my slot and started getting myself psyched for it.

The day dawned gloomy, cold and foggy. I had an apointment at 11 and I had to be back at the hotel for a meeting by 12 noon. It was going to be close. I had a quick breakfast and decided to head out. Two of my colleauges, who were having breakfast with me, on hearing that I was going to do the bungy jump decided to come along for the spectacle. I landed at the Macau Tower by 10.30 in biting 8 degree cold. The tower looked deserted and one of my colleauges commented on whether it was even open. We took the elevator up to the 63rd floor of the tower and it was amazing to watch the ground fall beneath and the various features gets smaller and smaller. Stepping out it was very cold and windy but my mind was set.

In fact in hindsight I seemed to just go through the motions. I was clear that I wanted the package with the photos and video. After all there has to be proof that I did the jump! So this is what follows once you have paid and committed.

First you are asked to empty your pockets and everything else including your watch. You can pay a $20 deposit for a locker but I had my friends so they took the stuff. You are given a AJ Hackett bungy jump T Shirt to wear. You can then decide if you want a warm jacket from them for a security deposit of $100. Believe me I needed that. It was 8 degrees....brr! You are then taken to wear the harness which is tightened around you. You also change your shoes into one that they give you. You are then weighed with the harness et all and your weight is written on your left hand. This is for them to determine the kind of rope that they should use. Apparently each weight category has a different kind of rope to balance and manage the weight.

You then move into a 'jumpers area' and that's when it hits you and you are next in line or in my case first in line. It will really happen. The crew starts preparing the rope et all for the jump as you wait in the area. You are then called into the area where the equipment is being readied for the jump. You sit on a table and hold your legs out for them to tie your ankles together. Once that is done you are interviewed on video with questions ranging from where you are from to leaving a message for your family and friends before you jump. Now you are ready.....or are you? Post this the jump master explains to you what is going to happen. You will move to the edge, spread your arms and just lean over. As you reach the bottom of the jump there is small red cord that you pull. This will make you turn over from an upside down position to a sitting position and you will be lowered down. Really? Just like that? Its that simple?

You move to the ledge and they snap on the various hooks tying the ropes to the contraption. You move closer to the edge as they snap on the last hook. At this stage the question in my mind was what if this one snaps? They all look so fragile! But you have already committed to this jump. You are asked to move right at the edge and thats the balls-in-the-mouth moment. You look down and see the small tiny features on the ground. That's when you realise how high you really are. Are you ready to do this? The jump master asks you to look right and say hi to the camera. Then spread your arms.

When I was asked to do that I decided to look straight ahead. If you look down the mind registers the height and starts playing games in your head. Look straight ahead and the mind does not get time to register the height and the fear. I closed my eyes and when the countdown happened - 5...4...3...2...1.....I just leaned over letting go of all my fears.

The sensation after that is absolutely awesome. Wind in your face, the feel of gravity, the ground coming towards you and absolute exhiliaration. Its really great and you realise that you have conquered your fear and have actually jumped. There really is no way to explain the feeling. You have to experience it yourself.

As I reached the bottom of my jump I just couldn't find the cord to pull. It took me some time but I found it, pulled and my harness made me into a sitting position. I was lowered down and I HAD DONE IT! I had done the World's Highest Bungy Jump! YooHoooooooo! :)

While the mental preparation takes a long time, the jump lasts all of 10 seconds but its an out of this world experience! If you get a chance, do it! Conquer you fear!

11 for 11 (Resolutions for the Year)

2011-01-03T11:26:00.005+05:30

Its always an interesting exercise to set goals and resolutions for the coming year. Something about a New Year makes us want to renew our hope that we will achieve our goals again. Every year millions of us go through the same exercise of setting goals for ourselves on the 1st of the year with the hope that we will see them through - jobs, weight loss, love, relationships, friends - everything goes.

After all the year that has gone by is gone best viewed through the rear view mirror but the year ahead is the one that our eyes are focused on through the windshield.

In the spirit of Setting Resolutions I decided to do the same last year and so in continuing that tradition here are the 2011 Resolutions. We will, of course, come back and re-look at these next year and see how we fared. So here are my 11 for 11!

STAY HEALTHY: Make sure that I use the gym at least 50% of the time i.e 183 days at least. Why 50%? Because I travel a lot and because weekends are off-limits.
STAY HAPPY: Try to reduce stress as much as possible. Remember nothing in life is worth stressing about.
BE A GOOD FRIEND: Unobtrusive, always at hand, helpful, lending a shoulder. Try not to loose a friendship. Be open in thoughts. Do not judge anyone.
BE A GOOD HUSBAND & FATHER: Take care of the family. Do not be a cause of stress to wife and kids. Be helpful to kids and stand by them. Try to inculcate good values in them through practice and not preaching.
TRY NEW THINGS: Push the limits of experience. Try new things - be they food or experiences. Bungee Jumping and Sky Diving are two things I want to do this year.
LEARN GOLF: This is a unfulfilled resolutions carried over from last year. Its a great game and teaches one a lot of patience and focus. Try to learn golf.
HAVE MORE HOLIDAYS: Learn to relax and chill. Try to have at least 1 holiday every quarter with family and friends.
BUILD A BRAND: Build a brand for myself. Try to see if I can use my experience and knowledge to build a name for myself. Try to speak on marketing at colleges and events - at least 6 speaking opps this year. Try to blog on marketing on a popular site - at least 12 blogs in the year.
BLOG MORE: Continue blogging on this and my other blog. While the Book Review blog is active based on the books that I read, this blog has suffered. I want to try and cross 150 blogs on this blog - thats 70 blogs in 365 days.
EDUCATE MYSELF: Identify the gaps in my skill sets and undergo training to fill those gaps. These could be executive education or sessions in that particular skill set. Constantly try to learn new skills and things. Keep the brain active. More importantly use those skills in daily life - professional or personal.
PUBLISH SOMETHING: Try to get my writing published. Could be a book, an article, a story, a letter but try and see if my writing can be spread wider.

So there we are - my 11 for 11.

Revisit in end december 2010 to see if I have done any of these.

2010 - A Retrospect

2011-01-01T18:14:00.004+05:30

Its always interesting when a year ends. Newspapers run 'the year gone by', TV channels have experts come on board to talk and disect the high points and the low points of the year and all of us start talking about resolutions and a new start. SMS and email messages talk about how the coming year should be a good one for us.

But do we look back and the year? I tried doing that last year and so lets continue the tradition while at the same time look at how I fared at my resolutions? :)

2010 was a good year. Most of the 'upheavels' of 2009 had settled down and the talk was of consolidation.

At work we had a new leader who joined us and we were all evaluating to see how he would be. He turned out to be a great people's person and we had quite a few firsts in the organisation. A young guy, he's a focussed person and loves being loved by all. Very high on EQ and a good sales leader as well. And his leadership was good for the country as well.

My challenge was to ensure that the 3 month trail period of me handling marketing another region was not a flash-in-the-pan and that I could sustain my skills for the whole year. I like to beleive that I did. I had not issues or complaints from the team or my manager. What it did do for me was increase my travel to a very large extent. That meant that I had to be away from my family for a few days every month and it was not a good thing. The support of my family counted a lot for that. Professionally I went through patches of highs and lows - loving my job and wanting to leave it. Some things worked to keep me going while there were some roadblocks but thats a different post altogether. My boss believed that I had to align to the team's vision and I guess I had to work at that.

On a personal front my family and friendships kept me grounded. My constant Singapore visits were made great by Arvind's presence and dinners with him. Some great advice from him made me change some of my investment decisions and some good discussions resulted in him changing his thoughts. The GMC meetings were on for the year and we have some grand plans for 2011. My kids did well in school and so did my wife at work. Parents health was good and sister had a good change in her job - something that she wanted. Life was good! (Touchwood). We invested in a new house and Tarush finally got admission into the same school as Ipsi for next year.

The biggest event on a personal front was Sowmya's accident and the events thereafter. I Thank God everyday for keeping her safe and making the things happen in good stead post the accident - presence of a good samaritan, the doc at the hospital not putting the stiches on the head, her admission into Manipal and a plastic surgeon doing a great job at the stiches and keeping her safe. My biggest regret was that I was not there by my friend in her time of need. But she is safe and well and that's what counts. Thank you God!

So lets re-look at the resolutions and see where I stand:

Continue to exercise and remain fit. Do not gain weight :( NOT MET. I gained some weight but did try to keep my exercise regimen going.
Be more patient and keep an open mind. :) MET. I definitely was more patient and absorbed quite a few ideas.
Be a good friend - supportive, non-intrusive, helpful when needed. :) MET. I would like to believe that I was.
Be a good father - helping, inculcating values by practice rather than preaching, giving proper direction, expanding their minds with experience rather than rote, not being too assertive, listening. :| Can't Comment but I think I would get 7/10 for this in 2010.
Be a good husband - listening, loving, supportive, participating and patient. :) I think I can safely say Met for this.
Be a good son and brother. :) I guess its a MET for this?
Get better at my job or Get a better job. :| Quite difficult to comment on this. I got a bit better but definitely did not get a better job!
Read more books and catch up on new ideas. :) MET. Any my blog is a testament to it. More blogs there than here.
Try to do a good executive management program. Get more relevant education. :( NOT MET. This is a definite gap that I need to fill.
Keep blogging. :( NOT MET. I definitely need to get better at blogging here.
Get a tattoo. :) MET. And it was great. Maybe get one more in 2011?
Learn to play Golf. Get coaching. :( NOT MET. Must try again in 2011!
Have more holidays. :( NOT MET again. Should try more.
Don't take life too seriously. Have fun! :) MET. I think I did!

So a scorecard of 7/14 for MET, 5/14 NOT MET & 2/14 not known! Not bad eh?

Let's see what 2011 has in store!

Day 87 - Caste & Prejudice

2010-09-15T11:13:00.001+05:30

So the Indian government has finally decided to include Caste as a section in the latest Census study. The people who come to take your information will also now ask you what caste you belong to and report accordingly. This is the first tine that it is being done after 1974, if I am not mistaken.

Opinions are divided over whether this is a good thing to do or not. Is finding out about what percentage of the 1 billion plus population of India is split by what castes good or bad? I guess only time will tell and we will probably be answering tis question best in hindsight. But let's employ a little foresight to it and try to predict what it will do to us. Or at least this is my blog so this I my opinion. Bear with me!

I have two intrinsic worries on this caste question. First and foremost is inherent DNA of 'jugaad' that is so Indian which when mixed with corruption and politics gives us a heady concoction of manipulation. Will the census study be fair and clean or I'll the various political parties and caste brackets try to influence the outcome in their favor? Will Mayawati try to ensure that the UP census shows that it is a state of OBC and Dalits so that she can stake a better claim to the legacy of the state in future elections? Will the other communities try to get the study to show that they are a minority or a major depending on what suits them?

And in a country that reeks of scandals everyday how do we ensure that the study is executed properly and is a correct representation of India? Will there be mass census of a village where the panchayat or the village head decides what caste the village belongs to maybe in exchange of some favors from a particular political party? I know I am being a skeptic but that is my main worry. Without the inclusion of caste this would have been a numbers game with no political party really interested to dig deeper. Which party in Indian politics has the foresight to find out how many youth are there and then pitch an appropriate message to the right target audience? The median age of our parliament is anyway higher than almost all other countries as compared to the median age of the population. Our country is young but we have all oldies running the government.

My other big worry is the perfection of the art of manipulation by our political parties. The government of India already says that the caste study could be used to determine the reservation policies of the future - not exactly in so many words - but the meaning is the same. After the census study is declared, will our politics change to match what the study shows about the backup? Will BJP suddenly start talking more for Jats and Dalits because the study might show that they are a formidable part of the population? Will the political parties start manipulating the results to show it in their favor or even change their idealogies to reflect what the study shows? Will be become more caste based politics as compared to more country and issue based?

But most important of all my worry is that we will become even more prejudiced as a nation. Yes,I said even more given that we already are a prejudiced nation. We have preconceived notions about everybody and we show that in our daily lives. We treat the vegetable vendor differently than the newspaper vendor or our driver v/s our maid or even the officer in our workplace as compared to the boy Ho brings us coffee. This caste study will make us even more prejudiced against some segments. We will start seeing people based on what percentage their community or caste constitutes our population. We will start treating the lesser percentage caste with more disdain and the larger percentage ones with more trepidation. Will we teach our children how to treat people based on these numbers? Will we worry about the future of our children based on these numbers?

I hope I am proven wrong. I hope that none of this will happen. And I hope ghat hindsight will prove me wrong. I hope that the caste card in the census will be used for the positive and not the negative. But Indian political history is not on our side.

Will the new young Indian treat this caste study in census as just another number or will try attach too much importance to something that should not matter?

Time will tell.........but it does worry me!

Day 85 - My Tattoo Journey

2010-09-15T11:05:00.002+05:30

Ever since I start seeing 'LA Ink' on Discovery Travel & Living, I have been intrigued by tattoos or body art, as it is called. The artistry of the team in creating even ten toughest designs on to the person's body have enthralled me. It got me thinking of getting a tattoo done myself. This was over 18 months back.

Now I am no muscular, heavy set, macho kind of a guy. I'm a regular next door neighbor guy who goes about his business daily and has his regular life. So I am not sure where this need for a tattoo came from. Maybe it's the classic case of mid-life crisis as I touch 40 and need to prove to myself that I am still young. The mind is still set in college days sometimes but the life shows otherwise with kids, job and other responsibilities.

The other aspect to consider was of course the pain. On TV it seems so simple and painless when the guys get their tattoo done but hey it is after all pins and needles piercing your skin, leaving a trail of blood and definitely pain. The question was how bad would the pain be and would I be able to take it? Then my sister got a tattoo done followed by a close friend. And I though if they can bear the pain, I am sure so can I. I started discussing the fact that I wanted to get a tattoo done openly with my wife. After all I had to consider if she was OK with it.

I started my research and thought process on what would I like to get done. Considering that it was going to be permanent and irremovable, it better be something that I wanted to do. It also better be something that I would be comfortable to show off. And so the two key considerations came in - what and where. These two are interconnected and finally determine what you do. You could do a simple tattoo at an always open part of your body like wrist or ankle to show off. You could do a tattoo that means something at a place where you would rarely show it. Or you could do a sexy sensual tattoo at a private place that only some people would get to see. The permutations and combinations are aplenty. But the two considerations still stand - what and where.

I decided that my first tattoo, if I ever got to do any more, would have to be God Ganesha. I wanted to do a God and Lord Ganesha is the best way to start anything new. So the search for various God Ganesha tattoo designs started. While at the same time the decision of 'where' was being taken between the upper right hand or the lower right hand - the determination being ghat the upper would be shown only when I would be topless while the lower right hand would show my tattoo even when I wore half sleeve shirts or T shirts.

Once the 'what' and 'where' decisions were coming together, the next big one was 'who'. Since it is permanent and involves pain and body, you need to ensure that the artist is experienced, clean and trustworthy. The thing to note is not to go by the looks of the artist but by the workshop. I asked around and also checked with my friend who had got it done in Bangalore.

By mid year all these were coming together. Another friend of mine - Sowmya - also mentioned that she wanted to get a tattoo done too and I planned that we would get it done together. Now the only question was when would I get enough courage to see this through. Things came to head early this month when Sowmya told me that her friend had already fixed an appointment for them to get the tattoo done together. It was now or never for me too!

Ganesh Chaturthi was upon us and I though what better day to get a Ganesha tattoo done if not on ghat day. And so I landed at Pradeep Menon's Dark Arts Studio in Frazer town on Saturday, 11th Sep at 3.30 to get the needful. Its a small place but well known with helpful staff. I had decided what I wanted to get done but saw some more designs. I still liked the one that I had chosen. They took some time to get the stencil done and I had to wait as there were other customers before me. A guy had got his name with stars on his right hand. It was bleeding and I hoped mine wouldn't as much. A young girl came in to get an angel done and she was happy that it didn't hurt too much. And then it was my turn.

I stepped on to the work area and hoped that I would be able to take the pain and not make a fool of myself, especially after the young girl had taken it all so well. Satish was the artist doing my tattoo - a beautiful combination of the ever-present Hindu symbol of OM with the God Ganesha in it on my upper right hand. It was for me, not to show off to people. As he took hold of my hand and the needle I braced myself. The time has come. He made the first line and asked me if I was ok and if he could proceed. I was a little surprised because it didn't hurt much at all. Just felt like someone has pricked my skin lightly. This was not that bad. I said OK and the journey began. Frankly it wasn't bad at all. It didn't jut as much as I thought it would. I was playing games on my cell, SMS-ing my wife but clearly not looking at him doing my tattoo. My head was turned away. I realized that it doesn't pain too much when they do the outline. A bit more when they shade and colour.

Two hours later it was done. I was a proud 'owner' of a tattoo that I loved and had joined the ranks of people with body art. I love my tattoo and may even go back for some more.

For all the first timers, remember a few golden rules:
WHAT: Know clearly what you want to get done. Do your research and decide what you want to do before you land up at the studio. Or at least have a clear idea.
WHERE: As important. Don't get your first tattoo on the bone. Hurts a lot. Get your first on a more fleshy part. And why you want it the. What is your motivation.
WHO: This is very important. Ask around. Do your research. Go to the studio. See the workstation. Be comfortable with what you see. Trust the artist.
WHEN: Only when you are mentally ready. Always do it when you think you want to do it. Not because someone else is doing it and they are forcing you to get one too.

Remember it's permanent so spare a little thought and then take the plunge. I did and I'm almost 40!

Truth & Lies

2010-08-16T17:35:00.003+05:30

I saw a great status update on a friend's facebook account the other day that got me thinking - "Hurt me with the truth; Never comfort me with a lie".

The irony of course is that many a times in our lives we do exactly the opposite - we comfort the people with a lie so that the truth may not hurt them. White Lies is what we call them. But are they necessary? Can we live a life with only the truth? Can anyone, irrespective of how 'saintly' they are?

White Lies are an essential part of our social lives. To live a happy life we do need the support of white lies - statements that are not actually lies but not the whole truth either. Even Yudhishtra, the righteous one from Mahabharata needed a support of a little while lie to vanquish the greatest warrior from the opposing camp - his guru Dronacharya. Does that make it valid for us? Not really but fact and life is stranger than any fiction ever written.

White Lies vary from the small innocent ones like telling your kid that the drawing is the best in the world to extreme ones in hiding the true nature of an illness from somone. Both these are meant to protect the person and make them feel that everything is OK with the world. We all face these situations and we all deal with them in our own way.

In the bigger picture, of course, its always better to tell the truth at the first instance. What hurts the most is when the white lie gets exposed and the person gets to know that the truth is hurtful at a later stage. Thet erodes trust but the hope is always that the white lie does not get exposed. Its also important to remember that just as you should never be lying all the time, one should never use white lies all the time either. Its not always good to be protecting someone if you know that he or she will get hurt at a later date. If you know that your best friend's girlfriend is having an affair on the side maybe its better to tell him now than later and glossing over a question from him - She loves me so much, doesn't she? - with a white lie.

Truth and Lies are two sides of the same coin. When you lie to someone you may be setting them up for a hurt at a later stage and when you tell the brutal truth it might hurt them now but they may come to realise the value of your statements later.

Life and Living is a strange dish. It has all the ingrediants to make a great feast. White Lies are like those big black pepper seeds which you can spread lightly in the dish to make it tasty but too much of it can spoil the dish outright. Used wisely White Lies can help you tide over a situation in the short terms but you will always need to balance it out with the truth in the long term.

I would refresh the starting statement as "Comfort me with a lie sometimes, but tell me the truth always"

Day 83 - Yes Man

2010-07-27T08:29:00.000+05:30

Jim Carrey's 'Yes Man' is an interesting movie with a premise that unless you say Yes to EVERY thing in life you are not living life. You are closing yourself to multiple life opportunities and never exposing yourself to the experiences that you might have with a YES!

Of course as the movie progresses it does end with a concept that you first start saying Yes to everything so that you open up but then you say Yes only if you want to.

But on a more serious note I tried to think how much of this is true. Do we say No to a lot of hinges in life without realizing what it can open up to us? I have friends on both sides of this equation. Friends who say No to a lot of things because they think that they cannot cope up with it or that the thought of the experience frightens them and they are sure that they cannot do it or don't want to do it. On the other side are people who have taught me that unless you say Yes sometimes how do you know what is in store for you?

I try to live with the second philosophy. Say Yes to somethings sometimes. Weigh the odds but be open to saying Yes. I try to tell people around me the same and I recently had an experience of that. We were in Singapore having a family vacation. At the Universal studios Shrek roller coster ride, my 8 year old daughter refused to get on the ride. I tried to explain to her that unless she experiences it once and says Yes to it how will she know if she likes it or not? She was adamant that she will not like the experience. After much persuasion she got on to the ride. She had such a great experience that she got on to every single roller coster ride after that and had a great time. The same vacation saw my 60 year old Mom getting afraid of the Luge ride in Santosa Island. Same explanation and she did the ride. The result? She had such a great time that when we got out there was another family where the elder lady was getting scared to get on. My mother talked to her and told her that she should try it!

Unless you say Yes, how will you know whether you will like it or not? Unless you experience it first hand, how do you know what YOUR choices are? It applies to all things in life - jobs, parenthood, adventure sports, food, love, relationships - everything. Make your own informed choices. Don't depend on someone else to take that decision for you. Say Yes to an option and make your own mistakes.

It could be a job that you have been offered but don't know if you should take. It could be the girl that you like but don't know if you should ask. It could be 'goose feet' or 'mini octopus' in front of you but you don't know if you should taste. Yes, I have tasted Goose Feet and Mini Octopus they are not bad. I have told a girl that I liked her a lot when she was out of my league and months later I married her! I'm very scared of the reverse bungee in Clarke Quay in Singapore but when I get a chance I will try it!

The idea is to make your own decisions but be open to saying Yes to a lot of things. I'm not saying say YES to every and anything that comes your way but be open to saying Yes. Say Yes to taking a huge python around you. My daughter did and now she has a story to tell her friends. The exhilaration that you will experience when you say Yes to something but maybe still make a mistake will stay with you for your life. That life lesson will stay on as it was your experience not what someone else told you!

Let's resolve to say Yes sometimes to things that we think we may not be able to do or are scared to do!

Live Life!

Day 82 - Image

2010-07-02T16:55:00.005+05:30

I was watching a John Travolta movie on the flight back from Singapore to Bangalore - From Paris with Love - in which Travolta was his usual self - a cocky, no nonsense, rebellious, stylish undercover cop blasting his way through a slew of terrorists with guns blazing and a cigarette dangling from his lower lip while his partner cowers in fright.

What an image!

And then I realised that this is how one thinks of John Travolta. Think back and you realise that the movies you loved him in were exactly in this image - Broken Arrow, Pulp Fiction, Swordfish, Get Shorty etc - are all about him being suave and sophisticated. He did try to do a 'Hairspray' but its difficult to imagine him like that now. Or Robin Williams is always funny.

Closer home we associate strict image perceptions for our actors and actresses as well. SRK is the lover boy and good man, Salman Khan is stylish, Aamir Khan is intense and so on and so forth. Its difficult for our actors to break out of their images and they find success with movies when they align themselves to the public perception of their image.

This got me thinking. Do we do this in our daily lives as well? Do we form images in our minds of friends, colleagues and then stick to those perceptions? "Oh don't give any work to him, he never completes things on time" or "You need to tell her a time that's way in advance of the actual meeting time coz she's always late" or "He's a nerd or a geek" and so on.

When the image perception assumption creeps into our daily lives it creates problems. We start assuming the decisions that the person will make. We start thinking about what the person may say and take that as a definitive answer without even asking them about it. "Don't ask him to work late. He never does". "Don't ask him to contribute money for the birthday gift. He won't do it" or even the other extreme "Let's tell him that everyone has given x coz he always gives 2x" and many such situations. We start making assumptions for others and that is always a dangerous situation.

This implies from generalistic assumptions about race, nationality, caste etc to even small ones about our family members, our work colleagues and our friends.

We are all human so we are all bound to form our opinions about people. What we need to guard against is that the image-perception does not color all our interactions with the person. We do not assume the decisions for that person and don't form hard-wired perception in our mind. Be open to the fact that each decision that a person takes could have a story or a reason behind it. Yes, sometimes even multiple similar ones.

Be open, be liberal.....it will help in the long run!

Day 81 - Be Stupid!

2010-05-04T17:03:00.002+05:30

Its taken me over 2 months to come back to my blog. A lot of things happened in these two months that have kept me away from this blog although I have been active on my book review blog. In these two months there just did not seem to be a topic that I felt connected to till I saw the ad in the picture from Diesel.

Stupid - The word itself denotes being dull, slow and lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind. How many times have you done something and your parents or friends have turned around and said 'Stupid' in a derogatory manner? In our mental makeup being called Stupid is a big insult. All our lives we try to avoid being called Stupid and aspire to be categorised as Smart. We aim for that word.

We are all guilty of calling our kids stupid when they jump into a puddle of water on the road - Don't be stupid, you'll spoil your clothes. We are guilty of telling our friends - Don't be stupid - when they fall in love with someone that we think may not be right for them.

Don't think with your heart, think with your head is a constant refrain to us. We are told that Smart people take informed decisions. They think with their brains and evaluate all options before taking a decision. If we decide to go with our gut feeling and instinct its called a Stupid decision that everyone promises will come back to haunt us at a later date.

But I say that its great to be stupid. There are some decisions that must be taken with the heart and not with the head. Love is one such thing, standing by friends and family is another, buying something you like is one more even though sometimes you may not really need it. But more importantly being stupid or taking decisions that go with your instinct open up immense possibilities to you. These decisions open up doors and experiences that you may have never had or dared to think of. When you fall in love with someone not from your caste, culture, religion, language or any other demographic your head (smart) says to divest in that relationship because it will not go anywhere but your heart (stupid) says to go with the experience. Who knows it may work out and if it doesn't you had the most wonderful memories. Trust me, I speak from experience.

In professional life too there are times when you will be faced with a smart or a stupid decision, a fight of head over heart. Should you take this job or not? Your friends will tell you that you are being stupid to let it go but your heart is telling you that its not the right decision. What you decide then will determine the future. In hindsight some instinct decisions do turn out to be wrong but then frankly so do some informed decisions. I have always found that there's more fun in taking an instinctive decision and going through the experience rather than taking an informed one and doing what's expected.

Its important to have a balanced decision scorecard over your lifetime. The Rational decisions taken from your heart pertain more to your professional life sometimes while the Emotional ones taken from the heart and almost always personal. But sometimes it helps to turn things around as well. Most creative people will vouch for the fact that their outputs are based on what they feel will appeal to them and their viewers - not what they think. Look back and analyse the ads that you liked. I promise that 80% or even more will be the ones that tugged at your heart, at the emotional core.

In professional life too be brave to take emotional decisions when it comes to people. There will be times when you will have to give a little more leeway to some employee because your instinct tells you that its the right thing to do. Be stupid and go with that instinct. In the long run it works out for the better.

After all Someone once said “If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything.”

So go out and take a Stupid decision today. Live life. Think from your heart for a change.

Be Stupid!

Day 80 - Three Heroes

2010-03-28T14:34:00.003+05:30

23rd March 1931 - tell that date to the Indian public and say that it is a significant date in the Indian freedom struggle and I can guarantee you that 99.9% of the Indian population would not be able to say why. At the same time mention 2nd October or 14th November or event 31st January and there will be a significant portion that will get it right.

Why is that? Why have we or our government over the years made Gods out of Mahatma Gandhi and Jawaharlal Nehru but have forgotten other freedom fighters? Why is it that we do not remember Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel or Maulana Azad ? Is it because human nature makes heroes out of a few and forgets the character artists? The do-ers of the plan?

Any freedom struggle in the world has always been fought on two separate paths - one of violence and aggression and the other on restraint, dialogue and non-violence. The easiest path to take is that of aggression - an eye for an eye - to show your strength to the enemy and mercilessly beat him down into submission. Gandhi showed India, and the world, that there is another path that one can take and succeed. Gandhiji's way got India its independence and maybe that is the reason we celebrate him as our leader.

But there was another battle being fought along the sidelines - the battle of aggression and revenge - being fought by the Hindustan Republican Association or better known by its leader Bhagat Singh. Bhagat Singh energised the youth with his fiery ideas and got many a youth to fight for our freedom. His revolutionary ways irked the British Government and created a plausible danger for them that the Indian freedom struggle might become a violent one as compared to the easy non-violent one that Gandhi was suggesting. Bhagat Singh and his compatriots were the only ones who asked for and sought revenge for Lala Lajpat Rai's murder and the Jalianwala Bagh massacre. To the Britishers he was a terrorist but to us he was a freedom fighter.

So why have we forgotten heroes like Bhagat Singh and his ilk? Are we embarrassed about their revolutionary ways in our history of non-violence and ahimsa? Do we want to put them in the shadows of our history and forget them? Why don't we wish to remember that people like him readily accepted death so that many youth could get energised and fight for our freedom? It is important that we do not belittle the acts and the path of Bhagat Singh. That was one more way to seek independence. Is it the right way? Who are we to tell? But did many youth join the freedom struggle because of him?I'm sure they did.

23rd March 2011 will be the 80th anniversary of the hanging of Bhagat Singh, Shivaram Rajguru & Sukhdev Thapar - three heroes who stood up to the British and showed us a different way. Maybe we should petition the government to declare 23rd March as Heroes Day.

Day 79 - Technology & Personlisation

2010-03-21T17:00:00.002+05:30

I celebrated my birthday a few days back. One more year of life and one more year of experiences.

It always feels great when people wish you on your birthday. This is one day when friends and family try to make it a special day for you and it always feels good to revel in it. Over the last couple of years though there has been a subtle change in the way that wishes have come my way on this day. While earlier it used to be a lot of cards delivered by the postman, today its more about wishes on facebook profile page, sms-es on the cell phone, calls from people and visits to the house by some.

As I looked at all this on my birthday I realised that technology has pushed the boundaries of access and it is up to oneself to take it in whichever way you want. What do I mean by that?

At one end of the spectrum I can feel sad that I no longer receive those birthday cards from family and friends. I loved receiving them and I still have some of them from 10 years back. Those were special moments as your friend or family sent you a card and you waited to receive it. You waited for them and enjoyed the moment of ripping open the envelope. Some cards were funny, some emotional and some with nice messages. As I got those cards, I would feel the importance that the person attached to me. They would gone to a shop, looked at many cards before selecting one, taken the pain to write the message, put it in an envelope, put a stamp on it and posted it. It was a process of connecting with the person at the other end and a small gesture to make you understand how special you were. You could also know how important you were to whom when the person sent the card. You attached a special value to receiving birthday wishes from these people and felt sad if you didn't receive a card one year for whatever reason. It was personal!

At the other end of the spectrum is today's world where you receive hundreds of messages on your facebook or Orkut profile page and many sms-es on your phone on the day of your birthday. A lot these wishes, however, are people who are wishing you for the sake of wishing you with no personal interest in the same. Oh, it's his birthday,let me just send a wish and be done with. I am guilty of that too. But technology has given us the ability to keep in touch with people that we would normally have not. I receive wishes from my college, school and work people who normally would have never known my birthday or wished me. Its a good way to keep in touch with them. But I think the personalisation is gone.

So does this whole technology thing destroy personal touch?

I think not. I think the definition of personalisation changes with changing times. In today's world a personal touch is something different. While earlier it would mean taking the effort to select and send a card, in today's world you need to look at it differently. In today's technology conscious world there are levels. Let's assume a scale of 1 to 5 of personalisation with 1 being least personal and hence least effort and 5 being the most and hence very close.

People who wish you on your profile page are ones who want to be in touch and use the benefit of technology to wish you on your special day.
People who sms you exhibit a slightly more degree of being personal with you - they know your number and have taken the effort to wish you through that technology
People who call you are those who value you more and have taken a larger effort to actually spend the time and effort to engage with you on your special day and wish you. They may be at a far away place or separated by time and distance but they call you nevertheless. They would want to be at '4' but cannot due to geographical or some other reason.
People who visit you on your birthday and party with you or spend time with you exhibit just how much they value you. They have taken the effort not to hind behind the technology mask or use the tools but to actually come and visit you on your birthday or some day near your birthday.
People who give you gifts or make special gifts for you are the most personal ones or those who consider you as most close to them. They have not only taken the effort to come but also, like in old days, actually spent time thinking about you and what would make you happy. Hold these people close to you and value them a lot.

In this technology hungry and avid world its the 3's, 4's and the 5's who you should value the most and tell them that you value and appreciate what they do for you.

That is personalisation in the technology world!

How many do you have in these categories?

Day 78 - Hindu death rites and Women!

2010-03-07T18:30:00.002+05:30

Hindus believe in re-incarnation and living the cycle of life and death till we attain moksha. Hindus are cremated on their death and it is believed that cremation helps the soul escape quickly from the body.

While there are rituals involved in 'Antim Sanskar' the key part of all this is that the ceremony is done by the 'man' of the house. If the family does not have a son, its the son-in-law or the closest male relative. I am sure there is a reason for that somewhere in our Hindu tradition. One, I believe, is that the son is responsible for opening the gates of heaven for the parents when he performs their funeral rites saving them from the hell of Punamma where people without sons are believed to go.Thereafter he performs the 'shraddha' ceremony at regular intervals to ensure their well being in heaven.

The question I have always wanted to ask is why are women not allowed to do the last ceremonies? If a family has only girl children then why are they not allowed to say their final good byes and ensure their parents journey into heaven? What should some unconnected man do these ceremonies? A man who has not lived with this person, who has not shared their joys, who has not supported them in times of sadness, who has no clue about the person in an intimate manner is supposed to ensure that the Gods allow the person into heaven by doing the last rites? C'mon....you've got to be kidding me! When the final journey has to be undertaken who better to ask for permission from God and promise to upkeep the parent's last wishes than the child of the parent? So what if the child is a girl!!

On the tenth day ceremony a pinda (rice ball) is offered to crows who are considered messenger birds of Yama, the God of death. The idea is that if the crows accept and eat the rice ball, then the dead person has entered heaven. If the crows do not then there is some last wish that still needs to be fulfilled and the person doing the ceremony commits to upholding or fulfilling such wishes that he thinks the dead person might be holding on to. Its really a trail and error thing till the crows eat the pinda. Now imagine this ceremony being done by a 'man' who is unconnected to the family! How will he know what the dead person - the parent - is holding on to as his last wish! So why should an unconnected man do these ceremonies? Should this be the prerogative of the child of the family? So what if the child is girl!!

Tradition is the word given to this rite. But traditions are broken right? The Sati tradition, the widow re-marriage tradition?

For me this issue will come up when my one of my in-laws pass away. They have two daughters.So Will it fall on me or my brother-in-law to do the last rites? For whatever length they live, between my bro-in-law and me we would still know them for a small percentage of their life time. Who are we to help them on their last journey?

The prerogative and the right is for the children who have been with them their whole lives. Who have learnt from them. Who have idolised them. Who have loved them and fought with them. Who respect them. I think the daughters should do it. Its their prerogative, their father or mother, their family, their parent's last journey and their last request from the Gods to keep them safe.

But will 'samaj' and so called family friends allow it? But most important would the girl children of the family stand up and demand it?

On this women's day, I think its time that the women stood together to break this tradition as well!

Day 77 - Would you stand by me?

2010-03-05T10:36:00.004+05:30

Ruchika Girhotra's case has hogged the limelight for some time now and rightly so. Abuse of power was always a known thing in India but this case brought to light the horror that a family has to endure when they rub someone in power the wrong way. From the girl giving up her life to a continuous harassment spanning more than 19 years the plight of the Girhotra family sends shivers down my spine.

NDTV recently did their 'Indian of the Year' award and one of the recipients was Aradhana Gupta as an 'Extraordinary Indian'. If you are searching for an example of a perfect friend then I think you don't need to look any further. Here is a lady who has stood by her friendship for over two decades and fought for justice for her friend. For 19 years people.

Go back 19 years in your life and see if you had a 'good' friend at that time. Are you in touch with that friend? Do you still talk to each other? Would you run to his or her defence if they were in trouble? Would you lend them money or welcome them to your house? Answer these questions from two perspectives - if you have had a long distance friendship with that person sporadically for 19 years and if you have never seen that person for 19 years but you were best friends all that while back. Can you do that exercise?

And now we realise the extraordinary strength, resolve and commitment that Aradhana Prakash nee Gupta has shown for her friend Ruchika Girhotra. And have no doubts that she is extraordinary.

As normal human beings we tend to forget promises that we make to living people a few years back. Keeping promises over decades and lifetimes are only the stuff of movies. After all the movie gets over in 3 hours and neither are we shown the struggles nor do the actors have to endure it. But Aradhana did....for 19 years she carried - and still carries - the flame of her friendship and commitment to Ruchika. Across marriage, across continents, across time she has fought for justice for her friend. How many of us will actually stand by a friend who doesn't exist anymore? It is so much easier to give up the fight and call it someone else's rather than continue on that path. There must have been countless times when Aradhana must have thought that its easier to continue her life without thinking about what happened to Ruchika or fighting for her - when she got married and started a new life or when she went to a new country or when she had a baby but she did not and therein lies her extra-ordinariness. Remember she was not in the spotlight all this while. She did not expect it, she did not ask for it, she only fought for her friend.

Its natural for the flame of a fight or passion for justice to die away in a few years especially when the visual of your broken friend is not in front of you - its just her picture. But Aradhana's did not. What kept her motivated? What kept her focussed on her goal? I guess the answer only she knows.

If Ruchika ever asked Aradhana the question during her tough times - Will you stand by me? - I think the answer is for the whole to India to see now. For that my salute and humble bow goes more to Aradhana than to Ruchika in this case.

Friendships should have a new benchmark now. Do you have a 'Aradhana' in your circle of friends?

Day 76 - Are we really Thankful?

2010-02-25T21:41:00.005+05:30

I was watching a program called 'Lift Kara De' a few hours back and saw something that got me thinking. First the program - its an interesting take on fan following of celebrities. As we know in India film is HUGE business and film stars are big celebrities with maniacal fan following. This program tries to identify the biggest fan for a particular star, narrows hundreds of applicants down to three, gives them a task and the winner of that gets to meet his/her celebrity. Pretty normal till now.

The twist comes in that for each celebrity the program also identifies a family in dire need of money. The amount of money that the fan earns in performing the task is multiplied by a factor of a few thousands to arrive at an amount that the celebrity hands over to this family in dire need. Thereby the program 'Life Kara De' i.e the celebrity and the fan lift the life of the family to a different height.

So what has all that got to do with this post?

On the episode that I was watching they showed a family of 5 - parents and 3 kids - living in poverty with mega problems. The father is a horse cart driver earning approx Rs 1000 a month. The mother was diagnosed with a tumor in her lower spine and is unable to walk. The youngest kid has a physical deformity, the middle child is just 6 years old but has become like a mother to the family while the eldest is a 11 year old boy who needs to work to support the family. The father is helpless even though he wants to send his kids to school. The family has stopped treatment for the mother since they don't even have money for food. The parents go hungry sometimes so that they can feed the kids. The father says he wants to cry when he sees his kids but who can he go to to cry and the mother says that she sometimes feels like taking all the kids and committing suicide. There are so many families like this in India.

As I watched this I looked around and wondered if I was thankful enough for what I had? I had no physical deformities that hampered my growth. I had a safe and secure childhood growing up. I got my complete education and my parents saw to it that I never felt a lack of money and had no responsibilities growing up. I got a good job and was able to earn fair amount of money. I have not had, by the Grace of God, to face a situation where making ends meet was an issue. My family's health is good. I have the ability to take care of my children right now. And my loved ones are around me.

Do I realise how lucky I am to have all this? I think in our daily lives and our own small problems we forget about the gift that we have been give. We take the fact that we can walk, talk, hear, see, run and use our hands for granted. We take the gift of our work and security of our earnings for granted. We take the presence of our loved ones and friends for granted. We take the food on our plate for granted. We watch a program like this, feel bad for them, happy for us and go back to taking things for granted the next minute.

I think its time we woke up to the fact that we are lucky and be thankful for all that we have.

On a separate note, the program and BigB combined to give the above family Rs 10 Lacs so that their worries may go away and they may live a happy life!

Be Thankful, people, that we do not need help like this! Be Thankful!

Day 75 - A Day for Everything

2010-02-24T10:07:00.004+05:30

It was Valentine's Day on 14th Feb (obviously) and the whole world was agog with celebration. Newspapers, TV media, Flower shops, Gift shops, online shops and everyone else wanted a slice of this pie. Of course in addition to this were also the necessary 'evils' of organisations crying themselves hoarse that this is not our tradition, that we should not be celebrating this and that they would get any couples seen together on this day, married.

To find out what 'days' were coming up I did a quick search and realised that there is a day for Fathers, Mothers, In-Laws, Daughters, Friends, Bosses, Women and I'm sure many many more. It just takes one genius to come up with a day dedicated to someone and for the gifting and cards industry to popularise it and take it global. And then of course people or 'suckers' to like it, celebrate it and make a big thing out of it. Why do some people go all out to celebrate such 'days' while some others berate it and oppose it?

A strong faction of people are on the side that such 'days' are basically a consumerisation drive by large organisations to ensure that the people are buying some gifts or cards and running the industry. They claim that we really don't need such 'days' as we show our love everyday for the said people. A famous point is always made that we love our parents and siblings on a daily basis and hence don't really need a day to pronounce our love for them and definitely don't need cards, gifts and materialistic items to tell them that. BigB goes on record to say that he doesn't believe in stuff like Fathers Day and Mothers day because he loves them unconditionally and doesn't need a specific day to say that.

I beg to differ. I think we get caught up in our daily lives to such an extent that we usually forget to give credit to important people in our lives. Humans have a tendency of taking things for granted. Things that exist around us in perpetuity tend to be taken for granted by us. This includes friends, parents and siblings as well. We fight, shout, bicker and argue with them on a daily basis as part of our lives and assume that what we want they should do - in other words - we start expecting certain things and take them for granted. Very rarely do we tell them that we love them and that they matter to us. That under all the bickering and fighting is extreme love that we have for them.

As normal people we would probably not get an Oscar or a Grammy or a Filmfare award where we can pronounce our love for our family in front of millions of viewers. And that is why these 'days' are important. They remind us that in our daily lives we should take out some time to tell them that we love them and that they matter to us. While we get an opportunity to do that for our children and siblings on their birthday and our spouses on our anniversaries, it is the parents that we tend to leave out and in some cases our in-laws as well.

I am a firm believer in Father's and Mother's Day and that we need these days to tell them how much they matter to us.

On a lighter note, how about 'Maids Day'? :)

Day 74 - Death

2010-02-04T10:35:00.005+05:30

Quite a morbid word to write a post on, isn't it? But the fact of death hit home in a different manner today. One of my closest friend's mother-in-law passed away last evening after a prolonged struggle. I was speaking to him a few days back on the topic and we started discussing about what is the best way to die. Death, after all, is the only certainity of life. Do what you may, the end result is defined and constant.

I've been fortunate not to see death at close quarters till now. My grandfather passed away a few years back and Gina passed away last year. The two were in absolute contrast to each other. My grandfather died in his sleep. He went to sleep one night and never woke up. He was old and had lived his life. Gina, on the other hand, died suddenly and has left a gap which is difficult to understand or fill. There was so much that she still had to accomplish.

What is more difficult or easy? Knowing when you are going to die or just passing away suddenly? After all from your perspective you are here one moment and not there the next. Should one think about oneself and be selfish or should one think about others when you dwell on this topic? Of course the discussion really is futile because you cannot control when Lord Yama or the Grim Reaper will come for you. But humor me!

I've always envied and loved the manner of my grandfather's passing. He went away peacefully and at the end of a fruitful life. I have often wondered if I could be so lucky when my time comes. Death after a prolonged struggle with disease saps you and your family of energy. The affected person wishes to pass away but life is something that you cannot give up easily even if its in pain. The final journey affects everyone but at the same time one does get to say one's good-byes, set things in order and thank your loved ones. One also gets time to do the things that one wanted to in life - the bucket list. But can these cancel out the suffering of the loved ones as they see you, bear you and comfort you in pain?

On the other hand a sudden passing is a blessing for oneself (I guess). No suffering, hopefully no pain. But it also leaves one's dreams and wished unfulfilled. One does not get to say goodbyes and tell the loved ones. One leaves an unexplained gap in the hearts and lives of the loved ones remaining behind. And the question that gets asked to God - Why? - has no answer. The loved ones remaining behind have to deal with that question and the gap for the rest of their lives. The sudden passing away of Ranjan Das, stories of how a relative went to play tennis or came back after a walk or went to the bathroom and passed away are related by people as lucky chances but always with a tinge of sadness that it was too sudden. Can the pain of the loved ones left behind balance the sudden passing away of the person?

Very difficult to answer or think about. I think my grandfather was lucky in that he lived his life, said his good byes across the later stage of his life and passed away peacefully. He must have done some good things in this or a previous life to be so lucky.

I wonder sometimes if I will be! Will you be?

Day 73 - Money or Recognition

2010-01-28T09:48:00.004+05:30

'Work is worship'; 'My hobby and my passion has become my job. How lucky can I get?' or 'I love what I do' - statements like these are not true for all of us. For almost 95% of us our work is a means to an end - a way to make sure that the home fires are burning and that we are making a decent living for ourselves and our families.

So what motivates us to keep working? To keep doing the same job in the same company or same job in a different company or maybe a different job in the same company or......you know what I mean? I think there are only two things for which we work - money and recognition. When these two are combined - when you get good money and it comes with a recognition of what you do, you tend to stay back in the organisation or a longer time or you have a jump in your step when you get to work each morning.

The fun starts when one of these (or in tough times like these both) do not come through. When you start feeling that the money is not enough for the work that you are doing you start looking for a change. I have a different view to this in that money is NEVER enough for what you do. There will always be someone else who you think does less work but earns more than you - always - and our problem is that we tend to compare ourselves with those people. We never compare ourselves with someone who does more work but earns less. Maybe we do but we don't feel happy about it - rather we feel sorry for that guy and then we go back to bitching how we earn less. When tough times come across when money does not increase over a long period of time, we get frustrated and try to change our jobs in hope of more money but falling the same trap of less motivation.

I believe that a lack of money can be 'compensated' by due recognition. Giving an award to an employee always motivates the person, maybe for a short period of time. A recognition in front of ones peers and management is good for the ego. When people clap and congratulate you, you tend to forget about the other motivator - money. You feel happy for the few brief moments of some weeks or months and you revel in the adulation. Organisations need to look at rewards and recognitions more seriously during tough times. When you cannot give money to motivate a person, make sure that the person is recognised for what they do in front of everyone.

But can one replace the other completely? Can someone be happy with just recognition in place of small increments in money? Or can someone be motivated by just money but complete lack of recognition of the work they do? Is a balance necessary or can we identify these types and keep them happy with just one motivator?

In the short term one of them can be enough of a motivator - give more money or give more awards. But in the long term a balance is absolutely critical. At some point the person getting only the awards will start to look at money and vice-versa as well. The one getting only the money will start thinking about the pats-on-the-back and the congratulations and the adulation that the award winner is getting. He will want a piece of that too.

What do you think? Money or Recognition? What motivates you?

Day 72 - Gandhi

2010-01-26T21:23:00.004+05:30

While flipping channels on TV I came up against the movie 'Gandhi' and decided to watch it again - after all it is India's 60th Republic Day today! I also invited Ipsi to sit and watch it with me as I wanted her to learn about the struggle for Independence and Gandhiji's role in it.

But as I watched the movie I started questioning myself about the manner in which he fought for our independence. In trying to explain the concept of Ahimsa to a 7 year old, I struggled to make myself believe that it can actually be done that way. I tried to explain to my daughter that Gandhiji taught that if someone hits you don't hit him back even though that is your most natural reaction. He taught that you take his beating not once, not twice but many times, but never lift your finger. It will hurt but in the end the 'evil' person will recognise their mistake and bow down to you.

Even when I was explaining this to her and showing her the specific scenes in the movie to drive home the point, I was wondering how the people of India believed in his words and actually practiced it and followed it. What made the millions of Indians leave their natural tendencies of fighting and retaliation and follow an unknown path outlined by an unknown person and dedicate their lives to it? What made them love this frail old man in a loin cloth and agree to follow him on the most difficult path?

Some of the answers are there, of course. He was the only man who spoke about the people and for the people, who traveled to understand the people, who lived with them and translated their pains into actionable items.

The other obvious question is Would we follow his path if it was offered to us? In a way the question is quite invalid since it is not the same world and the same circumstances. But if the situation so demanded would we be able to fight a fight the ahimsa way or does power-of-strength rule the way today? Is might right or would Gandhiji's words that 'Injustice should be made visible' the right way? Would you teach your kid to fight their battles the ahimsa way and walk the long path or the violent way and try to walk the shorter path?

Its a difficult question to answer but one worth thinking about!

Day 71 - Two 'Innocent' Questions

2010-01-24T16:54:00.005+05:30

As Indians we typically as two questions of a new person we meet. Think of it and play it in your mind. You've just met a new person, you've shaken hands with him and know his name. What are the next two questions you ask him?

Where are you from? What do you do?

While the questions by themselves are innocent, the reason for asking them are not. We tend to start slotting people into the small boxes of our judgment once we hear the answers. The ideal situation is to meet someone with an absolutely open mind and start making opinions about them after we have met them for at least a couple (I would say 25) of times. Oh yes, we do make opinions about people we meet - let's accept that - but the issue is that we make them the moment we get the replies to these two seemingly innocent questions.

Aggressive (North Indian), Conservative (South Indian), Business minded (West Indian) & Indian? (East Indian). Then we start thinking more details as we get to know the city and start linking the last name and the location answer. Opinions start getting formed in our mind. And then we hit the person and our small minds with the second question. The reply to that gives us enough ammunition to form a complete opinion of the person.

Oh! You're in marketing or sales or head some division (must have done well in school). You are a chef or a photographer (mustn't have done well in school). You are a painter, writer (do you earn enough? Do you need some money?). Our jobs seem to define what we stand for.

Have you ever thought why? Why do we do this? It goes back to my earlier post of Day 61 on 'Being Judgmental'. Its so easy to form an opinion about someone based on what we hear rather than based on what we experience with the person over a period of time. The fault lies in trying to speak to communicate with that person with a set opinion on our mind. We tend to take seriously the ones we perceive to be 'better' people based on our opinions. Or look down and be condescending to someone who does not live up to our opinion of a perfect person. How many times have you met someone at a party who you thought was not a successful person based on the replies and sought someone else? I have and therein lies the fault in us.

A photographer or a chef or an artist might have chosen that profession because they love what they do and do it with passion as compared to us who do our work because it is work. I wonder who is more happier? A South Indian may have some amazing innovative liberal ideas that we may pass over or never get to hear because we believe that the person must be a conservative one with 'old' ideas.

I think its time we stopped asking these two questions. Let's try to be non-judgmental and save our opinions about people for later. Our relationships will get better and our lives less complicated.

Day 70 - AAA of Friendship

2010-01-21T12:30:00.004+05:30

I was watching an old episode of 'Boston Legal' the other day on TV and they had a very interesting case of two brothers. On brother had already been convicted of murdering his wife but the other brother was being tried for helping him hide the body and dispose off the evidence. Prosecution obviously argued that abetting a crime is a crime and hence the same punishment should be meted out to the other brother as well. Defence, on the other hand, argued that the brother was doing what any brother would do - help family.

Convoluted, isn't it? Of course the case was that the murderer-brother was being bullied by his wife and the other brother had been telling him for years to leave his wife and start fresh. When the brother finally decided and decided to tell his wife he chickened out at the last moment, then told her, she scoffed and laughed at his face and in anger he hit her and killed her. Then he did what he thought of first - call his brother.

The defence's argument got me thinking. We all know the saying 'Blood is thicker than water' and one would usually stand by family at all times. But would you stand by your friends? Maybe not in the earlier example kind but would you stand by in difficult situations? Let's simplify this......do you have at least one friend for whom you would do AAA? :) No...not alcoholics anonymous!

Do you have at least one friend for whom you would do ANYTHING ANYTIME ANYWHERE?

If that one friend asked you for a favour that involves you going out of your way, would you do it? Would you do it at any time?

I think its important that we have one friend like that - one that you would AAA for and hopefully one that does the same for you. Its like a fallback mechanism that one would have in life. The issue is would you have the ability to do it selflessly? Without expecting anything in return? Without assuming that the friend would feel the same way for you? That's the key! And that's the most difficult thing. As we grow older we are used to thinking for ourselves first and looking at everything in a manner that would benefit us. Why should I do this favour for him/her even if the person is a good friend. Would the person do the same for me? What benefit would I get for this? How would it help me?

My suggestion is to identify one friend who is closest to your heart and try the AAA with him/her. It will teach you to get in touch with your child again and believe me it will bring you great happiness.

I have one friend who is on my AAA list while I may not be on hers. But it brings me great happiness and I know she can count on me for Anything Anytime Anyplace!

Day 69 - Value ON Friendship.

2010-01-18T05:21:00.002+05:30

Can you put a value on friendship? Can friendships be judged on monetary terms? Enough debates have raged on the value of friendship and how much some few good friendships can contribute to ones life. But how does one judge a friendship? Or is there something called judging a friendship?

I know, I know......there will be many among you who will say that the moment you start judging a friendship in any manner, its no longer a friendship but a transaction. That's all good to say in philosophical terms but in reality we are judging each other at all times of life. So can this apply to friendships as well?

I'm speaking in circles now, so let me explain. The other day I was helping a colleague pick up some gift for her friend. And this is a very good close bestest friend of my colleague. So we are in a shop and I'm showing her some ideas.She looks at one, likes it, sees the price and says "Its too expensive". So I say but this is for your best friend, price should not come in between a gift that she would like. (Of course we are not talking about diamonds or Ferraris here). She looks at me and says "You are right. She's cheap and doesn't spend on me. That doesn't mean I should be" and she bought the gift.

But it got me thinking. Do we think of monetary gifts and values when we gift our friends? Are we calculating what they gave us when we step out to buy something for them? Should 'cost' come in between gifting to a friend?

The ideal answer is OF COURSE NOT (note the caps coz some of you will be shouting this answer). But I think that somewhere deep in the corners of our mind, we do that calculation. Without the conscious mind knowing we tend to gravitate towards the section of a store that matches our perception of the value we put on that friendship. When we pick up two contrasting gifts that we like for a friend, we tend to buy the one that matches our perception. Sometimes that could be an indicator of how much we value that friendship. Putting a value on friendship might lead us to ascertaining the value of that friendship to us.

I do that. On a regular basis there are some friends that I hold very very dear but I do pick up gifts that subconsciously match the value I have put on that friendship. For some friends cost is no bar, if I like the gift I pick it up. For some I delay the purchase of a particular gift coz I am still evaluating how important that friendship is to me. You would never know that if you saw me with them. I'm guilty.

Are you? Do you put a Value on Friendship that can tell you the Value of that friendship?

Day 68 - Welcome 2010

2010-01-02T16:49:00.003+05:30

A New Year usually signifies a new beginning for a lot of us. Have you ever wondered why? What is it in 1st Jan of a new year that we seem to heave a sigh of relief and start looking ahead to new beginnings? After all its just another day!

But at the root level psychologically we think of this date as a new start. It gives an opportunity to forget all the bad things that happened to us over the past 365 days and look ahead to the next 365 ones. It gives us a chance to correct some wrongs, get over some weaknesses, renew some relationships, forge some new ones and look forward with hope. That's the key word - HOPE! For at the end of the day we do live each day on the hope that it will be better than the previous one. Even if the last one was good for us, we hope that the next day will be better. Our lives are controlled by the Gregorian calendar and we look forward to each day, to the weekends of rest and rejuvenation, to the ends of the months and the paychecks. We have been programmed over the last many years to focus on each day as it leads into a week, a month and finally a year. And therin lies the importance of 1st Jan of any year.

As we complete a year we re-live all the good and bad things that happened and we HOPE that the next 365 days will be better. We make new promises to ourselves and to our loved ones. We start new things and new projects. We make new resolutions and dream new dreams! It is a day of hope and the beginning of new journey.

With that in mind, I too have decided to pen down some resolutions and goals for 2010. It'll be fun to re-visit them at the end of year and see what I was able to accomplish. So here goes:

Continue to exercise and remain fit. Do not gain weight.
Be more patient and keep an open mind.
Be a good friend - supportive, non-intrusive, helpful when needed.
Be a good father - helping, inculcating values by practice rather than preaching, giving proper direction, expanding their minds with experience rather than rote, not being too assertive, listening.
Be a good husband - listening, loving, supportive, participating and patient.
Be a good son and brother.
Get better at my job or Get a better job.
Read more books and catch up on new ideas.
Try to do a good executive management program. Get more relevant education.
Keep blogging.
Get a tattoo.
Learn to play Golf. Get coaching.
Have more holidays.
Don't take life too seriously. Have fun!

Quite a few of them are generic and open-ended. But I guess I've never been the one to set specific goals. I usually take each day as it comes and try to live that day to the best of my abilities.

So let's start on this journey of 2010 and see where it takes us! Carpe Diem!

Day 67 - 2009 in retrospect

2009-12-31T10:39:00.005+05:30

As another year comes to an end, media everywhere will be playing 'The Year That Was' and reliving the good and not-so-good times of the year. As we read them we tend to agree or disagree with them and start to form our own opinions. Debates and discussions will range on some topics among friends and new thoughts will gather.

But really the feeling of how the year-that-went was is a personal one. Global events have some impact on what we feel but mostly we would remember or forget the year based on what happened to us.For some it'll be a momentous year that they will never forget while for others it will be a year that they hope they never have to re-live. Today we will all retrospect on how it was for us - moments of happiness, sadness, grief, elation, joy and mix of all feelings. Maybe a new love or a new job or a heartbreak or losing someone - so many things happen across 365 days of a year and across 31,449,600 seconds.

Allow me that liberty of talking about my year as well. You, of course, may not be interested. But if you are.....read on!

2009 started off as a scary year. Businesses were not doing well, economy was looking down and at Citrix we had just announced a 10% workforce layoff. I was thankful to God for saving my and my wife's jobs as we saw some of our colleagues being asked to leave. That was a period of mixed emotions - sad at seeing friends go but happy that we had our jobs intact. One didn't know whether to feel happy or sad.

A change of guard happened at work mid way through the year. The person at the helm of marketing in Asia Pacific changed. With a new leader comes new thinking and new ways of doing things. The job profile changed and towards the latter part of the year even my reporting structure changed. I am still waiting to see if that was a good thing or bad. I guess 2010 will show the true colours in that space. But a good thing also happened with me handling a new region and learning new things. Its always good to take up a challenge that will teach you new things and stretch you a bit. The year has ended on an interesting note work wise and I'm looking forward to 2010.

Tarush started school and that was a momentous thing. He went through his three stages and settled down into school. He had his friends, became much more communicative and interactive, had his cultural programs and seems to be enjoying school. Playschool made him more independent. Today he is a lovable brat who says the cutest things and makes us laugh. Ipsi started her steps towards becoming a teenager and trying to step out of being a girl. This year was a year of shadows for her as she is stuck between cartoons and Hannah Montana - being a kid and becoming a girl. Her questions have started becoming intelligent and yet she retains the innocence that I like.

My friendships became stronger and I thank God that I did not loose any friends. One particular friendship - with Sowmya - became stronger in 2009 and that has made me happy and thankful to God. I pray that that continues into 2010. The GMC had regular meetings and we gossiped a lot. Its my bedrock and I look forward to 2010 with them. The year ended on a high note with me touching base with a friend that I lost touch with twenty years back. That was awesome. Friends that matter most to me remained my friends.

My family remained healthy and strong and prosperous. My parents health was good as was my sister's. My wife and me fought, bickered and loved - like any couple married for 11 years. She threw me a surprise birthday party that blew me away. Our kids forged stronger bonds with their cousins as we hosted our nephews for one month. Then my brother and sister-in-law followed and we had a good time. My parents bought a house, we did some investments, changed furniture, had holidays and were in generally good health.

But the year also bought one of the saddest moments of my life till date. 3rd October 4.30am is not a date or time that I'm likely to forget anytime soon. We heard the news of Gina's passing and the next few days were tears and sadness. GINA is a gap that will be felt very acutely.

I started blogging and have been at it for 5-1/2 months now. 68 blogs in 155 days is not a great achievement but I'm proud of it. Proud of the fact that its not a diary of my daily minute-to-minute happenings but really a collection of my thoughts on varied subjects. I have some readers like you and I Thank You for it.

But the biggest achievement for me in 2010 was the fact that I started exercising. I've lost 8 Kgs in 4 months, lost couple of inches and feeling fitter and better. I'm loving the fact that I can fit into my old wardrobe and the compliments that are coming my way. Thanks to my sister and Ani for teasing me, pushing me, goading me to loose weight and to Ani and Sowmya for being an inspiration for it.

In the end 2009 has been a decent year of its ups and downs and I'm glad that I've crossed that sea with more bouquets and less scars.

Wonder what the blog post of last day of 2010 will say! Here we come!

Day 66 - Tirupati Balaji and money!

2009-12-30T15:08:00.006+05:30

I recently visited Tirupati for my annual pilgrimage of Lord Balaji.I've been doing this for about 10+ years now. Every year I thank Him for everything and ask his blessings for the next year.

Tirupati Tirumala Balaji is the second richest religious place in the world, after Vatican. It is visited on an average by over 20 million people each year. Each of them contribute some amount of money to the hundi. On an average TTD - Tirumala Tirupathi Devasthanams - the body that manages and runs the temple collects Rs 35 Cr each month from the hundi alone. That makes it approx Rs. 420 Cr + each year or US$ 84 million each year. The main temple is plated with gold. Business men have been known to donate diamonds and gold freely to the Lord. Vijay Mallya takes every new aircraft added in Kingfisher Airlines to Tirupati for a puja before it flies. He has recently announced that he will plate all 16 doors of the main temple with gold. The hundi has seen donations varying from a bag of coins to shower of diamonds to a gold plated fully functional camera and many odd things. Whatever is dropped in the hundi belongs to the Lord and the Lord asked for it. A myth goes that a mother propped up her small child to drop some coins into the hundi, inadvertently the child fell in. He was not returned to the mother as the priests said that the Lord wanted the child and they will bring him up.

Why am I saying all this? Because I always hear this sarcastic comment from people that Lord Balaji is all about money without knowing the background to it. Do you say this as well? In that case, its time to read this.

As you are aware the Hindu scripture defines four yugas through which the world cycles - Satya Yuga, Treta Yuga, Dvapara Yuga and Kali Yuga. We are currently in the Kali Yuga or Kaliyug. The Kali Yuga will traditionally last for 432,000 years. We've just about started it. Some attributes of Kali Yuga are quite evident today.

I suggest you read the Story of Lord Balaji to get a better picture. I will, however, focus on the money aspect. If you read the story you will realise that Lord Vishnu incarnated Himself as Venkateswara and came to earth in search of Lakshmi, who had taken birth as Princess Alamelu (Padmavati) in the household of Akasa Raju. The princess's father agreed to give his daughter's hand in marriage to Venkateswara if he provided proof of his wealth. Towards this end, Venkateswara obtained a heavy loan from Kubera, the God of Wealth,at a very heavy interest rate. And therein lies the key to the story of the hundi and people putting money into it.

According to Vishnupuran, Lord Venkateshwara will continue to pay Kuber the loan till the end of Kali Yuga. As devotees our contributions to the hundi are a part of the loan that he is paying off to Kuber. In return for the money that we give Him, he agrees to grant our wishes and requests. Hence the key of Tirupati being that devotees ask for something from Lord Balaji and pledge money in return. Most of the devotees collect the money across the time frame and come to drop the same into the hundi after the fulfillment of the wish or request. Lord Balaji is not about money. Lord Balaji is about fulfilling your wishes and requesting money to pay off the heavy loan that he has taken.

So next time you go to Tirupati, don't scorn at the fact that so much money is being dropped into the hundi. Rather remember that you are helping the Lord to pay off his debt and in return the Lord will make all efforts to fulfill your request. Its a matter of give-and-take with the Lord. Don't feel bad if you have asked something from the Lord. Rather remember that if he grants the wish, you better keep your side of the bargain as well.

Day 65 - Thank You God

2009-12-30T14:44:00.004+05:30

An award speech invariably begins with 'Thank You God' - at least in US. Then,of course, there is the prayer that is taught to our children - Thank you for the world so sweet, Thank you for the food we eat, Thank you for the birds that sing, Thank you God for everything.

Have you ever thought about how many times you have Thanked God and on what occasions? If you put your mind to it you will realise that most of the times we end up thanking God when good things happen in our lives. An award, a promotion, a relationship going our way, things that we wanted to happen and so on. Have you ever thanked God for something that did not happen according to your wish? I think not.

I think it stems from the fact that we Thank someone when a good thing happens and blame someone when a bad thing happens. If you take that logic then we should be blaming God for everything that goes wrong. Ideally we should but then the basic concept of God is that He / She is all knowing and all powerful. You don't want to make an All Powerful being angry and so we blame ourselves for all wrongs and thank Him for all rights. Why does God have to get all the credit whenever something good happens? He doesn't take the shit when something bad happens? We have to take that!

Don't get me wrong.....I'm not an atheist. In fact I am a religious man and pray daily to Him. I thank him for everything that has happened in my life - good or bad - and ask Him to look after me and my family. I worry about losing my religion and not being able to pass on these values to my children. But at the same time, I do wonder if I can get away with blaming Him for something bad in my life. The problem is that you don't want to take that risk with Him! You don't want to anger Him and face his wrath. Neither do I! In fact I blogged about the situation where if things happen according to your wishes its good but even better if they don't happen according to you wishes on day 20 of my blog.

So as 2009 comes to a close, I Thank God for everything that has happened in my life this year - good and bad - and ask Him to look after me, my family and ones I love for next year as well!

THANK YOU GOD!

Day 64 - Imagination

2009-12-15T17:42:00.007+05:30

James Cameroon's latest movie 'AVATAR' has just released in India. Being a huge sci-fi fan I am excited by the prospect of watching the movie. While the rest of the world is excited about the special effects and the story, my interest lies in a different angle altogether.

I am excited by the imagination that the director and the special effects people have put onto screen for a world that lies only in their minds. I am excited about the new kinds of animals and plants that they have imagined. How will the sunset look like on the planet Pandora? How will the flora and fauna be on a planet that exists only in the minds of the designers and the director. While people will be watching the movie and be excited by the look of the Na'vi, on a second or third run I will probably be watching the background more than the actors and the action.

I have a hobby of reading books. I have to have a book to read at all times. While my interest spans across genres, my fascination is exclusively for science fiction. Arthur C Clarke and Isaac Asimov are writers that I swear by and love to read their books again and again. I realised that one of the reasons I love these books so much is the fact that I have to imagine these worlds as I read them. I have to experience what the writers experienced as they wrote and see these new worlds with their eyes. Asimov's Foundation series took me to new worlds of Trantor and Gaia while Clarke's Odyssey of Rama series really pushed the limits of my imagination. I still love to read the Rama series as I believe that I still haven't been able to imagine the Rama world in its true splendor.

Imagination pushes your creative limits. It makes you wonder and trains your brain to think out of the box. When you need to imagine a new place, a new experience, a new location or a new emotion that you have not experienced before it pushes your brain to exercise itself and bring those places to life. Reading Harry Potter was much more fun than watching it. In fact reading the Amar Chitra Katha books of Ramayana and Mahabharata was much more exciting than watching them on screen. We had to imagine the battle of Kurukshetra without ever seeing one ourselves. We had to imagine Hanuman's flight with the mountain at an age when our brain was pushing its limits. I believe that is what made our generation so much more creative.

I rue the fact that in today's generation the books become movies so much faster that children don't need to imagine these worlds. They just have to wait for some time and the world comes to them. But this is the imagination of someone else - not your own. It deprives the children of creativity, of having to make up this world of Hogwarts or Twilight in their own minds. Its so much fun to read and imagine a person turning into a werewolf and then seeing that transformation on screen as compared to watching someone else interpretation of it and taking that as your own.

This generation's imaginative powers are very limited and this will impact the generation when it grows up. Creative powers will be valued much more and most of the generation will follow the vision of a few people. The generation will accept that someone else's vision is the right one because they have been trained to not think but just experience. I rue that fact.

Teach your children to read. Try and cultivate the reading experience in them. Let them read the books first and then watch the movies. Even for our stories like Mahabharata and Ramayana, let them read these first and then watch the serials. Let their brains imagine and go to place where they have not gone.

Let them give wings to their imagination!

Day 63 - Arrogance and Humility

2009-12-13T12:15:00.003+05:30

Isn't it interesting that we value humility, abhor arrogance but strive to be the best? How are these three emotions interlinked, you may ask? Please do and allow me to elaborate on my perspective of them.

In our lives we usually strive for excellence or at least are 'trained' to think that we should be the best in whatever we do. The constant 'great statement' that we hear or advice that the successful people seem to make is "Do whatever you want but be the best in what you do". So we strive towards that. Being the best is not an easy task. Its a tough road lined with long hours, hard work, compromise on parties and friends and single minded focus on what we want to be best at. Its not for everybody which is why just a few people get to be at the top of the list. These people have struggled to get there giving up on a lot of things that we took for granted and enjoyed in our youth.But once they get there mere mortals like us look up to them and seek their advice in that field.

Amitabh Bachchan never spent time with his family when he was building his career, Tendulkar was at the nets for hours avoiding that one rupee coin from falling from the stumps while his friends were watching movies, Bill Gates was slogging it out on the lab of his school while his friends were out partying, The Beatles were playing 8 hours daily in Germany while other bands were bedding women and smoking pot and there are many such examples. But once they became BigB, Sachin Tendulkar, Bill Gates and The Beatles all of us are/were in awe of them. Let's be frank.......the slogged their asses out to become who they are.

After all that struggle some of these top percentile of people attain their dream and revel in the fact that they know much better about their subject than others. They realise that the ones who come to them seek answers to problems in the field that are so obvious but they can't see because they didn't hone those skills. As more and more of this happens, they tend to look down on the advice-seekers and become 'arrogant' in our words. But they have earned the arrogance!

As mere mortals we tend to forget the struggle that the person has gone through to attain that status. Probably because we did not go through it ourselves. We watched movies, played games, had fun while these toppers were slogging it out. And we don't want to be reminded about it by them!

We want them to be humble about their success. We want them to say that it was pure luck that they got where they are so that we feel better and think that we were not so lucky. We raise the humble ones on a pedestal and abhor the arrogant ones. Why? Because the arrogant ones make us realise our folly that we did not work as hard when we could have while the humble ones make us feel that we were just not lucky and were not at the right place at the right time as they were.

BULLSHIT! Do you think that a Sachin Tendulkar does not realise that he really IS THE BEST? or an Amitabh Bachchan? But we deride a Shah Rukh Khan because he accepts that he is better than the others and we love an Amitabh Bachchan because he never says that he is the best............even if he desperately wants to. Don't you think that a Sachin Tendulkar or an Amitabh Bachchan want to shout from the top of the roof tops that they slogged their asses out to become the best and that THEY ARE THE BEST? I'm sure they do but we won't let them.

Its time that we changed a bit as well. Arrogance is an earned quality and we should give them the right to be arrogant about it.

Don't you?

Day 62 - The most successful marraiges are based on lies

2009-12-09T17:59:00.004+05:30

I just read this quote recently and thought - Wow, this is like opening a can of worms. It's a perfect example of an absolutely un-political statement. Try making this statement at a party and see how you get lynched for it!!

Marriages are based on trust. The partners must trust each other, believe in each other and have faith on each other. Transparency is the key to earning the trust. When you share your thoughts, your feelings and your past with your partner, the relationship becomes stronger. A daily ritual for a successful marriage must involve sitting together at the end of the day and sharing information about the day. By involving your partner and investing that time in the relationship you will get to understand each other better and learn to love each other more. Truth, Trust, Transparency & Time are probably the four cornerstones of a successful marriage.

Really? A poster for marriage and all books probably talk the same lines as above. But how much of truth is there in these lines? Is complete and absolute truth and transparency a basic requirement of a long term successful marriage? After 11+ years of marriage I believe that most successful marriages are based on lies.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't mean the blatant lies where you are having an affair or are a closet murderer. No, I mean small white lies. Every relationship - and that includes the 'ultimate' one of marriage as well - is based on small white lies. White lies are the ones you say to make someone happy and those that don't hurt anyone outright.

If you don't like her mother coming to your house every few days, don't go and be transparent about it. Telling a small white lie there will only help the relationship. The answer to the question "Do I look fat in this?" can NEVER be a truth. A lie is needed and necessary to answer that question. If you are with your wife and happen to notice a beautiful buxom woman passing by and she catches you, a white lie is needed there - not the truth and transparency. There are many such situations where those four pillars - or three of them at least - are not the ones to follow. Reality does not go by the good sounding poster lines. Reality is always grey and lies somewhere in between.

We are intrinsically liars at heart, at least most of us are. We tend to be diplomatic when faced with situations that can potentially lead into fights. We tend not to like people who are outspoken and always tell the truth or call a spade a spade. So why should we be open, transparent and truthful in our most private and closest relationship? We all tend to lie in our marriages as well but the key is to what extent and on what topics or situations. A successful marriage is determined by that. Do we call our wife beautiful even when she is putting on a bit more weight? Do we tell her that we love her family even if there are some members we could strangle? Do we tell her we are stuck in a traffic jam when maybe this time we left the offive party a bit late? Just some of the white lies.

There are certain things best left untold and in our hearts rather than in the open. I am sure even today our parents have a few secrets that they have kept from each other. I believe that most successful marraiges are based on small harmless white lies.

Day 61 - Being judgemental

2009-12-08T21:52:00.003+05:30

Do you take people at face value or do you judge them when you meet them? The answer to this question is a pretty tricky one. You would love to say that you take everyone at face value but in reality you end up judging every single thing they say. A different way to ask would be "Are you a good judge of people?" and I'm sure the answer to that from most of you would be 'Yes'.

But reality lies somewhere in between. As humans it is the easiest thing to do to judge people, their actions and their words. We judge people at all times in different ways. We judge according to status - our servants are always 'kaamchor' while we are not; we judge by religion; we judge by ethnicity - Americans are different than us or Europeans are different; we judge by clothes - a badly dressed person is somehow not as good as a well dressed one even if the opposite is true. How many times have you looked at a shabbily dressed person and thought that he is probably less educated than you or the well dressed person next to him? Many times or maybe always. As I once heard someone day "Even when you don't care, others judge you on your appearance" and how many times have we heard the saying "Clothes make a man".

It is very easy to pass judgment on someone without knowing any details of why the person acted that way or said those things. We all do it. When a friend comes to us and says things about their boss or another person, we judge them and form a perception in our minds. When we hear about someone getting angry or smashing things or a celebrity lashing out at a photographer or a friend, we judge them and form opinions without trying to find out why they did what they did. If our friend comes and tells us that they are breaking up with their partner we automatically assume that the partner must be in the wrong. We form a judgment without knowing the truth.

And therein lies the issue in our lives. We form a judgement about people without knowing the facts. This impacts not just our personal lives but also gets into our professional lives. We form a judgement about our peers, our boss and our colleagues. We forget that unless you are in the same situation as the other person you cannot decide what is a right or a wrong decision and hence have no right to form an opinion about the situation or the person. Every time you try to form an opinion or a judgement ask yourself what you would do in the same situation. If your answer is that you don't know or you have insufficient data, stop there and don't form an opinion about the person. Don't judge!

Being non-judgemental and living by the credo 'to each his own' makes living that much easier. Is it easy? Definitely not. Being judgemental is in our DNA but try it for some situations. It might help you!

Day 60 - Sallekhana

2009-11-26T18:16:00.004+05:30

I've always believed that the act of Suicide is an indication of two extreme conflicting emotions in the individual. While at one end it is an act of extreme cowardice and an acceptance that there is no way things can get better, at the other end it is also an act of courage because taking one's own life and suffering as you go is not an easy task.

I've always believed that any problem can be solved and that life is more precious than losing it. Which is why sometimes I snicker at the Hindi movie dialogues - मैं तुम्हारे लिए जान भी दे सकता हूँ (I can even give my life for you) - wondering what use is it if you lose your life to prove your love. You won't be there to see if she cares anyway. But coming back to the point, I've been fortunate enough never to be in those shoes - shoes where as you face life you realise that there is no way forward. And I thank God profusely for that.

How can someone take one's own life?

And then as I started reading William Dalrymple's book 'Nine Lives', I came across 'Sallekhana' - the Jain way of giving up one's life or more precisely the Jain muni's (nun or holy man) way of giving up one's life. I was astounded by what I read and could not understand why someone would do it?

Sallekhana is the Jain muni's way of voluntarily embracing death when the muni sees that death is imminet due to a severe disease or old age or intuition. Sallekhana is possible only if the muni seeks and gets the approval of their guru or mentor. It is up to the mentor to decide if the person can contribute much more in life of if the person can pass on to the next world. It is a ritual fast onto death. One by one you give up all the food - first you fast one day a week, then you eat only on alternate days. One by one you give up different kinds of food - rice, vegetables, juice till you come to a stage where you take only water everyday. You then make even that on alternate days. Eventually when you are ready you give up that too. Jains believe that when you do this gradually the body adapts, cools down and you can concentrate only on the soul.

It is easy to confuse this with suicide but jains think of this as releasing the soul - attaining mukti from this world. As I sit back and think on this, I sort of agree. But what takes my pickle is the extreme confidence and peace the muni must find with oneself to actually embark on this route for once the vow of Sallekhana is taken, there is no going back. Suicide is instantaneous and an act of mental anguish. Sallekhana, on the other hand, is giving up of the final frontier. Taken in context - the Jain muni starts off on the path by renouncing everything, family, comfort. home, possesions, Sallekhana is the renouncement of the body and an acceptance of starting off in a new world.

The Jain muni lives a life of renouncement. I wonder if a lay person with desires and needs would be able to walk down the path of Sallekhana and find peace in the final moments!

Would you be able to take Sallekhana?

Day 59 - Too much love

2009-11-17T18:42:00.004+05:30

Is there such a thing called 'Too much love'? We all love someone in our lives at all points of time. And the love manifests itself in different ways - love for your parents, love for friends, love for siblings, love for that special one or even love for your pets. Each of these has different mannerisms and different methods of getting expressed. But each form has its limits, or does it?

Can you love someone too much or is that then just smothering? Dictionary.com defines Smothering (n) as 'an overspreading profusion of anything' and this very nicely puts the point across. An overspreading profusion of love is also smothering.

Love, as we all know, is based on trust. An integral part of loving someone is that we trust them and we are secure in that relationship. We trust that our pet will not bite us and are secure that they love us more than they love the pet-handler. We trust that our parents have our best interests at heart and are secure that they don't distinguish between siblings. And the most important kind of love - we trust that our partner will not betray our emotions and are secure that they love us just as much. If these two components of 'trust' and 'security' are missing, it gives rise to smothering. You can call it by any other name - over possessiveness, protective, loving - but really you feel that the person is smothering you and not giving you space to grow.

Of course the 'smotherer' does not realise that and thinks that they are just making sure that their target is safe and unhurt. But ask the 'smotheree' and I am sure you will know that they are not happy in the relationship. They don't like being constantly asked where they are or where they are going or who they met or why they are doing a particular thing. While love is based on security and trust, smothering is based on the exact opposite emotions. In such a parasitic relationship, its just a matter of time before the smotheree breaks free and escapes leaving the smotherer to wonder what went wrong?

As you start any relationship I think its important that you look at it from this angle and ascertain if your outlook to the person is that of love or smothering? Do you trust that person? Are you secure in that relationship? Or do you have a need to know what the person is doing at all points of time? Do you wonder if that boy/girl that you partner is talking to is your competition?

If you value the relationship find out from your partner / friend if you are smothering them. Then change yourself or change the relationship so that both of you are happy. A smothering relationship is doomed for disaster at some point of time.

I found this great article that actually got me thinking about this aspect. Read the article here.

Are you a lover or a smotherer?

Day 58 - Age and Sexuality

2009-11-16T10:27:00.005+05:30

When you think of sex and sexuality what comes to your mind. Most of us would think of a taut young body with a good figure and assets (if you are a guy) or six pack abs and muscles (if you are a gal). Most of us - of course it could work the other way as well but the point is that sex and sexuality brings to mind images of young bodies. And why is that? Why is it that sexuality is always associated with the young? Why is it that as we grow older we are supposed to give up our physical needs and focus more on spiritual ones?

I was browsing through my friend Arundhati Ghosh's facebook profile when I came across this beautiful note from one of her friends which in turn connected me to the work of the photographer -Karen Brett . (Wow....this is like pealing onions - one layer leads to another till you reach the core). And this got me thinking along the above lines.

How many of us are cringing as we even read this? Or cringed when we saw the photos? How many of us are thinking that love and sex is meant for the young and the middle-aged, definitely not for my parents and God forbid - my grand parents. They should be concentrating on God and the metaphysical aspects than the physical ones. We have been conditioned from our childhood that love is meant for the young at heart. Sex, after all, is the physical representation of love and hence that too is for the young. We have seen this around us and have grown up on this staple diet of information. We have never seen our grand parents show their love in front of us and have watched movies where the couple - after they have become parents - hide their physical manifestation of love by saying "Bacche dekh lenge to kya sochenge?". So it is but natural that we shy away from the very thought of old people falling in love or showing their love. Even our movies don't focus on this aspect.

The closest I think that our movies have approached this subject is the Rishi Kapoor - Dimple Kapadia starrer "Pyar Mein Twist" which shows them falling in love but even that movie shied away from showing any physical manifestation of it. 'Cheeni Kum'came closest to showing it. Do you remember the scene where Tabu makes AB run across the park and come back so that she can find out about his stamina? He then drags her almost into a hotel saying let me show you my stamina. When you realise the implication of that scene.....do you cringe and thank God that they did not show them going into a hotel room? Why shouldn't they? After all, they are in love and will want to express their love to each other?

I think we need to be a bit more broad minded when we see an old couple holding hands and/or expressing their love for each other. Love is an emotion that can strike anyone at any time. It does not look for colour, caste, creed, nationality or age. If we are willing to accept that an old man can fall in love with a young woman or vice-versa, we need to accept the fact that two old people can fall in love with each other as well and would want to express that love as well.

Lets all grow up and accept that. Who knows you fall in love at 80 and want to express that love to her or him! Teach your children now that its OK for old people to fall in love as well!

Day 57 - Lakshya

2009-11-13T21:55:00.005+05:30

No......this is not about the movie, although I've put the poster on this blog. But the idea came to me from the movie. I'm watching the movie as I type this and it depicts so beautifully the fact that if you have a goal in mind, if you have a लक्ष्य life becomes easier and it gets direction. The character differentiation between those of Karan (Hritik Roshan, who does have any aim in life in the first half) and Romi (Priety Zinta, who knows exactly what she wants to be) is beautifully brought out. More importantly is the portrayal of the direction that Karan'slife takes after he decides what he wants to do and goes behind that with complete dedication and focus.

How many of us knew what we wanted to be as we approached that critical point in our lives? Whether its to do with career and work or to do with personal beliefs. Every person reaches that 'moment of truth' at some point in their lives......or at least they should. Once you reach that moment and you choose the path, life becomes a bit more easier to live.

I can count two such occasions in my life. When I was in school and approached that critical point in life (Class XII) I knew I wanted to be an engineer. But half way into engineering I knew that a technical job was not my cup of tea and I couldn't do that for the rest of my life. So I moved into a Sales role and have stuck with Sales and Marketing as a career. Once I knew that this is what I wanted to do my career took its own direction as all my moves were in that field. My sister found her career lakshya when she joined Lufthansa after drifting around for quite some time. She realised that that's the field she wants to be in and now her life has a direction and is that much easier.

My second moment was when I fell in love with a girl when in college. When college got over she moved back to the city she came from and I had a choice. But my lakshya was very clear that I had to make her mine. Once that goal was in mind life and its decision became that much easier. I moved to Bangalore as well, wooed her here all over again and finally married her and we have been married for 11 years now.

ज़िन्दगी में लक्ष्य होना बहूत ज़रूरी हैं । लक्ष्य मिल जाए तो उसको पाने के रास्ते अपने आप आसन हो जाते हैं ।

Its important to get a goal in life. Once you set a goal the routes to attain that goal become easy on its own!

So got out and set a goal! Notice how decisions will become easier.

Day 56 - Happily Ever After

2009-11-12T12:58:00.005+05:30

What does the above line remind you of? Quickly........Fairy Tales, right? That's the line that all Fairy Tales ended with.........And they lived happily ever after. As a child you felt secure when you read the last line and knew that the Prince had found his true love (or the Princess, if you were a girl) after all the trails and tribulations and would now be happy forever. No more bad people around them and no more hardships.

As you grew older though you realised the fallacy in that last line. Happily Ever After? Yeah, right......your troubles have just begun baby. Wait till you get married and have to take care of the house and kids and in-laws and friends and............ah forget it! Those were your thoughts as you read the lines but you also wished that the lines were true. That love leading to marriage could lead to 'happily ever after' as well.

The thought of this blog came up (thanks to my sister) when I posted a quote from Grey's Anatomy on my facebook account - "Why can't I just be the happily ever after person? Why can't I believe in that?". And the truth lies in that statement.......why don't we believe in the 'happily ever after' statement anymore?

The reality lies in the answer to a very simple question. What makes you happy? It may sound like a simple question but the answer to that is anything but simple. Our answer to that question changes constantly like the sifting sands in a desert or the tides on a beach. It varies from a good job to a good salary to love to spiritual well being to different things at different times of our lives. It depends a lot on our expectations of the people around us and of ourselves. Can we possibly curb our expectations and be happy all the time? I don't think so. Anyone who says that he is a happy person is a liar. There will always be some aspect of your life that you wish was better and in that small space you are unhappy.

In a fairy tale the line is supposed to bring an end to all worries. Its a full stop in that story. But in reality the full stop never occurs. Oh..maybe it does when we die but before that our definition of happiness changes constantly.

I think the key is to define 'happiness' in small portions rather than grandeur plans. As we attain those small targets we can get incremental happiness. Revel in that. Find solace in that small happiness and try to spread that happiness around.

Remember ' Happily Ever After' is like the horizon.......its there, you can see it, it seems attainable, you must strive towards it but you may never get to it!

Day 55 - Why are Nursery Rhymes so morbid?

2009-11-09T10:19:00.004+05:30

I have a 2-1/2 year old son and our music system is being dominated by nursery rhymes now. As he learns the rhymes in school he recites them at home and we have to play these on the CD as well.

Twinkle Twinkle; Ba Ba Black Sheep and so on. But have you ever thought why some or most of the nursery rhymes are so morbid? I have been wondering that for some time now.

Jack & Jill talks about tumbling down and breaking head.
Humpty Dumpty talks about him breaking himself and no one able to put him together again.
Rock-a-bye-baby, supposedly a lullaby, talks about the baby falling down from the tree.
Goosey Goosey Gander talks about throwing an old man down the stairs.
Three Blind Mice tails are cut by the farmer's wife
In Ding Dong Bell the cat is thrown into the well
......................and there are some more.

I always wondered why would we teach our children such rhymes that talk about injury and don't seem to foster good manners. But no one seems to change these nursery rhymes and we still teach them. What do our children learn from these rhymes? And more importantly where did these nursery rhymes come from? What is their origin?

The internet is of course the best way to find out and I did.

Jack & Jill is about the beheading of King Louis XVI (Jack) followed by Queen Marie Antoinette (Jill). But do we need to teach our children that? Why did schools start teaching this?
Humpty Dumpty is actually a story of a huge cannon used during the English Civil War during the siege of Colchester.
Rock-a-bye Baby does not have any such explanations. It refers to Native American Indians in US who used to put a cradle across two trees and rock their babies to sleep using the wind. Anyone in India would have seen this in most construction sites as mothers put their babies to bed using a cloth cradle.
Goosey Goosey Gander refers to the fight in 16th century between Catholics and Protestants. If the Catholics were caught by the zealous protestants saying their prayers in Latin and not English as the Protestants wanted, the priest and the family harboring them were executed. Hence, 'there I met an old man who wouldn't say his prayers'.
Three Blind Mice refers to same period of Catholics v/s Protestants although in this case it refers to Catholic Queen Mary I who could not convert three Protestant nobles and so had them burnt at the stake. The nursery rhyme of course refers to them being dismembered and blinded.

Most of the nursery rhymes have hidden meanings and a historical perspective. If you want to know more about the history of nursery rhymes refer to http://www.rhymes.org.uk/ . Its a great site to do some fun reading. Another good site is http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nursery_rhyme

But I still cannot understand why English schools took these rhymes up to teach to their children. Thankfully the children were not taught the actual meanings of the rhymes and were just left to learn and sing them.

Frankly why can't we have some good rhymes teaching some good manners rather than these morbid ones?

Someone need to give this a thought!

Day 54 - BigB

2009-11-07T22:54:00.005+05:30

So finally I am writing about one of my two passions in recent years - One,of course, is Star Wars and the other is BigB or Amitabh Bachchan.

I've always been a fan of Amitabh Bachchan....yes even in those years when he was not doing good movies and was down on his luck. I remember feeling very disappointed by his role in 'Mohabatien' when SRK was given more prominence and BigB's role was not up to the mark. At that time we did not know that BigB was in need - dire need - of just some acting to pay the bills. Today everyone is a fan and everyone loves him.

I had an interesting conversation with Ani this evening. I was watching Big Boss and Amitabh Bachchan interviewing Ismail Durbar who had just been evicted from the house. At the end of the interview, Ismail Durbar cried on his shoulder and his wife touched BigB's feet. I was watching this and wondered what is it that drives people to do that for Amitabh Bachchan.

What is Amitabh Bachchan? At the very core level he is but an actor - nothing more, nothing less. What has he done for you and me for us to feel so passionately about him? What has he contributed to our lives that we feel so strongly about him? At least I do! If you refer to my post of Day 26 on 28th August you will find that No. 5 on my list of 10 things to do before I die is to meet Mr. Amitabh Bachchan. Why? And what will I do when I meet him? Gush over him, take an autograph, take a picture and remember that for my lifetime. He won't even remember if he meets me. So why this love for him?

I realised that my love for BigB has increased since the time he started writing his blog about a year back. I follow it daily like a ritual. Through his writings on his blog I have understood what a principled man he is. How he values his time, life and family and how he swears to protect them against anything. How intelligent he is and how lucid he is in his writing and prose. How he makes us feel like his family and values our time and comments.

I respect him for the fact that he had seen the heights of fame, the outpouring of people's love, the depths of loneliness and dis-respect and how he bounced back from the brink of disaster through his hard work. How he swore to and did pay off his creditors and how he built back his legend.

But mostly I love him for his desire of excellence in his work. The fact that even at an age of 65+ when his contemporaries have long since hung up their boots, he is doing challenging roles and work like Last Lear, Black, Nishabd, Cheeni Kum and the soon-to-come revolution in Indian Cinema - PAA! Here is a man who does not need to prove anything to anyone, who goes back and does a role of a 13 year old when he is 65 himself. Why? Because of the need to excel in his art. And that's a legend!

I can keep writing on this subject but I would like to end with Paa's director Balki's statement on the movie: "The challenge of "PAA" was to present Amitabh Bachchan minus everything we all know, love about and idenify with Amitabh Bachchan. Yes....it was a challenge for Abhishek Bachchan, Vidya, Paresh, Arundhati, the kids, the make-up artist, PC and me. But it was a challenge that finally had to be met by Amitabh Bachchan alone. Paa is a tribute to possibly the greatest actor that Indian cinema has ever produced and an example of how an actor can undo the very things that have made him an icon and will do something iconic"

We are lucky to have been born in an era where we are seeing the best works of a great actor! Can't wait to see Paa!

Day 53 - Value

2009-11-03T13:04:00.002+05:30

Why is it that we understand the value of anything after its gone away? This holds true more for the emotional state of mind rather than the physical materialistic things.

In the physical materialistic world the next car, computer, mobile phone, TV, music system etc is better than the previous one. We strive for getting the latest cutting edge technology into our lives and the concept of value is fluid.

But some into the emotional space and 'value' suddenly takes on a completely different meaning. So the question really should be 'In the emotional space, why is it that we understand the value of anything only after its gone away?'

Its been a month since Gina's passing and the outpouring of grief and statements of love make you understand that people miss her so much. I knew her for 12 years and always took her for granted. For me, she was the invincible one - the one who will outlive all of us for her sheer energy, her exuberance, her joie de vivre, her healthy lifestyle and just her will to live. One month ago all that suddenly changed in one second. And I understood her 'value' in my life and the deep respect that I had for her. Why did I realise that only after she was gone? Why don't we show our value for people when they are with us? Why do we wait to say all the things about a person only after they are gone? I realise today that if I had to do anything innovative, off the world and that would open people's eyes - Gina was the person to go to.

Do you value your parents? I have always maintained that every child must go to a hostel to understand the value of what parents do for them and the value of 'home'. We take all this for granted. But when I went away to a hostel to study engineering, I realised the value of home and parents. I understood the value of home food and the taste of it. I value my mom's cooking more today and wait for her to come to my house on her vacation. My wife who has never lived away from her parents does not understand that as much and early in our marraige would not understand why I needed to talk to them long distance every week.

The whole concept of 'show your value for someone' is so cliched! But its also very true. If you value someone remember to show them that from time to time. It need not be the fact that you call them or face them and say 'I Value you and love you' everytime but it could be through a show of small things like calling them or maybe giving them personal gifts on their special occasions or even making something for them.

Tell them and show them that you care and they are valuable! Its important!

Day 52 - Love and Comfort

2009-10-29T10:11:00.007+05:30

A few days back we celebrated our 11th Wedding Anniversary. Time flies. Sometimes it feels like yesterday that I was wooing Ani in Delhi and now its 11 years since we got married.

While I was talking to my friends about the 11th anniversary a very pertinent question was raised by someone who is not yet married. Like everyone else she asked as well as to what I had given her for the anniversary and then proceeded to talk about how much love I have for her because I gave a gift. I jokingly replied that in 11 years there is no love, only comfort feeling now. But this got me thinking: Is there love now and what is the state of that love?

Love can have different meaning at different points of your life. An of course there are different types of love as well. But let's not get into that in this post. Let's focus on a love between a husband and wife.

Even in a long-term relationship of this nature (at least long term in India) the nature of love can vary across the years. When you get married the 'love' factor is very high. You feel for your partner a lot and want to show that in emotional and physical manner. Of course the lust factor is there as well. ;-)

As the relationship gets older one tends to get caught in the daily grind and love seems to take a back seat. It is at this time that the real test of the relationship takes place. As you start living the daily life, the truth of compromises and adjustments strikes and you need to attain a good balance. Love seems to get lost and 'arguments' in terms of what one can or should do come to the fore.

But once you cross this part of the married life is when the best years begin. In my opinion this usually happens either after the first 5-6 years or after the first child turns 2. This is the time when love becomes like the background noise of the universe. Its there and has always been there but you can't see it or hear it. If you ask Radio astronomers they will tell you that the background noise of the universe is omnipresent. About 8 years into a marriage, love becomes like that. Its there but there is no need to show it at all times. The compatibility of the partners has been set and a kind of comfort factor comes in. You tend to understand each other and can almost complete each others thoughts and sentences.

I think I've come to that level in my marriage. After 11 years we almost understand each other and know what the other will think on a particular action of ours. We're comfortable with each other's presence, thoughts and actions. Love is there but it is coloured in the colour of comfort now.

What happens to this comfort factor as the marriage becomes older? I don't know......but lets re-visit that in a few years time.

Keep watching this space.

Day 51 - Patience

2009-10-26T12:20:00.003+05:30

Think back and tell me when was the last time that you exercised extreme patience with a person or an event? What were the incidents that pushed you to the brink and made you swallow your anger and exercise restraint and patience? Remember I am talking about extremes - this is a point where you feel like throttling the other party but at the same time you can't and have to continue the discussion or the activity with a smile and with restraint. You know that you need to make the other party understand but they are really pushing you to the limit.

I am sure you are thinking about a few such incidents - maybe the road 'accident' you recently had when the bus brushed your car or maybe when your friend broke or lost something precious to you or when your girlfriend or wife just would not understand. But if you are a parent you will immediately think differently. All the above incidents are minor as compared to the patience you need to exercise with children - especially when they are between 2 to 5. These are the 'patience testing' years and if you come through these with few scars, then you should be set for life.

But the test of true patience comes in when you 3 year old falls sick. You experience a roller coaster of emotions that you wish you never have to face again. The unfortunate part is that you go through the same emotions when your child falls sick the next time.

At 3 years the child is unable to communicate properly on what is hurting them. First it breaks your heart to see your child having fever or coughing violently or sneezing. Then the child has to take medicines which they refuse to take. So you have to cajole, explain, threaten and play games to get them to have the medicines. Because of the medicines they don't eat and feel listless. This causes low energy levels and they becomes cranky and clingy. They always want to be with you and not let you go. If the child is on antibiotics then there is the issue of not wanting to eat food. That gets them more cranky and you have to somehow get them to have food and fluids. So you have to see them crying while refusing everything but still get them to have food, fluid and medicines to get them bounce back - all this while you are tired and frustrated at the whole situation because you can't do anything to make their pain go away.

Get the picture?

This, my friends, is the ultimate test of patience. How do you retain your sanity, not get angry and frustrated at the small child but still get them to do those things that will make them better is the true test of your patience. If you are a parent, when you go through this experience and emerge with physical and emotional scars you understand what patience means.

These are just some of the 'joys of parenthood' ;-)

Day 50 - Expectations

2009-10-21T12:58:00.004+05:30

The core reason for all the 'issues' in the world is one simple word - EXPECTATIONS!

Think about it, dwell on it a bit and you will realise that all your worries, frustrations and anger stem from the simple truth that you 'expect' certain things to happen. Newton had said that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. That law holds true in the physical world. In the emotional world you can add a small word to this law and it becomes 'With every action, one expects a suitable reaction'.

Things become much clearer when you think about it. When you something you expect a certain reaction to that action. If the reaction is met you are happy and you process to the next action. If the reaction is not suitable or something that you did not expect it gives rise to frustration, distress and anger leading to a different set of actions. This is true from global issues to simple issues at home. Confused?

When India extends an olive branch to Pakistan, it hopes and expects that at least this time Pakistan will react favorably. The expectation is set. But when Pakistan attacks the Parliament we realise that our expectations are not met. As a country we get frustrated and angry and launch an offensive stance on the borders. The cycle repeats again and again but we hope that our expectations with every activity are met by them. Extend this to any conflict in the world and the core of the issues are certain expectations of each party. Simple? You bet it is.

The same hold true in your daily life as well. When you give a gift to some friend, you expect a certain reaction - surprise, happiness. If you get that you feel happy that your gift was liked, even if the reaction was not true. But if you don't get the expected reaction, you feel as if the gift was useless and the friend does not appreciate you. Even if the friend liked the gift but did not react in the way you expected. Expectations! When you say something to your loved one, you expect them to react in a particular way or with a certain statement. True, isn't it? The more you think about it the more it seems true and so simple.

The key is to live life without expectations. Is it possible? Not really but one can try. In your next few actions try not to set an expectation to them. Try to do the action without having a set reaction that you want. I assure you that you will be happy with whatever you get after that. If you say that you love someone, don't expect them to gush over it, go ga-ga or say that they love you back. Just say the words and be happy that you said them. If you buy a gift for someone, don't expect a thanks. If it comes it a bonus, if it doesn't you will be happy as you never expected it anyway.

Try it and let me know if it makes you happier. Send me comments.

Don't set any expectations in life or in other words - Karma karo, phal ki apeksha mat karo - do you work, don't focus on the results!

Day 49 - Losing my religion

2009-10-19T09:59:00.005+05:30

Deepavali 2009 was a good one. I had my family over and it was one big Indian family affair. My parents and grandmom came down from Delhi while my sis flew in from Mumbai. The kids had a blast being spoilt with gifts from the grandparents and the aunt. Deepavali is after all the most important festival and it is always good to have your family around you.

As part of the 'days of deepavali' we had the Lakshmi Puja in the house. My Dad did the puja and in the 12 years of marraige and stay at this house, this must have been the second time that an actual full fledged Lakshmi Puja happened in my house. The first time too it was because Dad was with us. My kids watched with fascination as my Dad did the Puja and that got me thinking.

When we were growing up one of my lasting memories of Deepavali is the puja that would happen in the house when my sister and me were supposed to behave, keep quiet and not make noise. We would wait patiently for the puja to get over so that we could start bursting the crackers. But in the midst of all that we would get the gist of the puja and the reason it was being done. We would understand our religion through these rituals. We would get to know the Gods and what they stand for. We learnt to respect them and seek their blessings.

I am not a deeply religious man and so I don't know the puja's and don't perform them. So I wonder, What will my children remember? How will they learn about the rituals and their meanings? How will they get to understand their religion? Is it important? Do they need to know?

Whenever an important festival comes along, like Ganesh Chaturthi or Deepavali or Dussera, I feel a bit inadequate that I am unable to explain the intricacies of our rich culture, traditions and rituals associated with our religion because I did not learn growing up. These rituals form a basis of our culture, the understanding of our religion forms a cornerstone of our existence. So how will I be able to pass on these to my children when I myself am unaware of these.

Then larger question loom of whether it is really essential to know these things? 20 years down the line when my children grow up will they need to know these things or will religion and its meaning be different for them? My religion is my faith in God. Is faith enough or should it also have the rituals around it?

So many questions and so few answers. When I pass on the tapestry of life to them will it be a rich one or will the corner that symbolises religion be a worn out patch with loose threads?

Is my next generation losing my religion?

Day 48 - Deepavali

2009-10-17T17:30:00.004+05:30

Deepavali is most commonly known in the world as 'festival of lights' in India probably because its associated with strings of lights across streets, multitude of diyas in house and firecrackers bursting all over the ground and sky in the night. There's light, an unfortunately also loud sound and pollution, all around!

But what is Deepavali? What can I tell my children about it?

Deepavali stems from a sanskrit word combination of 'deepa' meaning light and 'avali' meaning a row and so the literal translation of Deepavali is also 'Row of Lights'. The most common explanation for Deepavali is the return of Lord Rama from Lanka after defeating Ravana and completing his 14 years in exile. The people of Ayodhya were so happy that they wanted to show their love and affection for their returning King. Being an amavasya - no moon night - it was slated to be a very dark night and so the citizens of Ayodhya lit up rows of diyas on the streets and in their houses to show the way to Lord Rama and to turn the night into day. And from there came the name of the occasion - Deepavali, a row of lights. Almost every child in India knows this story.

But what I found interesting was that the day of Deepavali has significance in other religions as well. That really opened my eyes and my perspective.

In Jainism the day is celebrated as one on which Mahavira, the 24th Tirthankara attained Nirvana. The lighting of lamps is symbolic substitute to denote the light of knowledge that got extinguished with his passing. This was in 527 BC.

Fast forward a few centuries and for Sikhs the day is significant as the day of return of Guru Har Bind Ji from his imprisonment by the Mughal emperor Jehangir. Guru Har Gobind Ji was imprisoned in Fort Gwalior with 52 other Hindu Kings. After freeing them he went to Harminder Sahib (Golden Temple) in Amritsar where the devotees greeted him with lit candles and diyas.

A simple day that has significance across centuries and across religions. Amazing, isn't it?

Wearing new clothes on Deepavali signifies an ending of all bad things of the previous year and starting a new year with new feelings, new emotions and new ideas. Its a great day to reconnect with your friends and enemies. Let bygones be bygones with people with whom you fought and re-connect with them.

Start the year on a fresh note!

Wishing all of you a Very Happy Deepavali and a prosperous, safe, happy and love filled new year!

Day 47 - Slice of happiness

2009-10-13T18:54:00.005+05:30

Cadbury's is running a latest ad campaign around the festival of Diwali which talks about sharing happiness on the occasion of Diwali and asking who you will make happy this year with a gift of Cadbury's chocolates.

Happiness is such a relative state of mind.There have been books wtitten about how to be happy and how to enjoy the feeling. Personally I don't think someone can be taught to be happy. Its personal, its intimate and its a percieved emotion. What makes you happy may not give me the same emotions. A simple smile can bring you happiness and can banish the feelings of despair and depression. The best thing is that happiness is usually not found in big events. The best slices of happiness that you will find are hidden in the crevices of daily life just waiting to peep out and make your day. The challenge lies in identifying them, accepting them and embracing these small nuggets. Its a cumulation of these small instances that stay with you and bring a smile to your face after many years. Think back and you remember simple things in life that are your slices of happiness.

I tried to do this exercise and tried to list the simple things that bring a smile to my face. Here are some slices of my happiness:

The smile on my son's face when he sees me.
The hug that my daughter gives me everyday when I come back from office
The simple touch of my wife when she teases me and addresses me cutely.
The surprise on my wife's face when I do something unexpected for her.
A full house when my parents and sister come visiting.
The weekend time spent with my friends (Rakhras) who are my extended family.
The interaction between Mahir and my son Tarush.
The time spent with my friends Sowmya, Malathi and Ruchi.
The phone calls time with my friend almost daily.
My first cycle, scooter and car purchase.
Setting up house with my wife.
Buying our first house.
Watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S innumerable times and laughing each time at the same scenes. Sharing these with my friends and relating them to our lives.
Getting lost in an engrossing book.
The smell of the soil when the first rain falls.
The smell of a new book.
A sudden call from an old friend.
Getting wished on your birthday from unexpected quarters.

These are just a few that come to my mind.

Give it a thought. What are your slices of happiness?

Day 46 - Selfless Love

2009-10-11T17:50:00.001+05:30

Is it possible to experience or give absolutely selfless love? Have you realised that when you love someone it usually translates into certain expectations from that person as well. These could be simple things like picking up your phone when you call or talking to you when there is time, to more emphatic ones like falling in love with you too or liking you as much or doing things the way you want to.

Most of the time our love is a selfish one. We want the same emotions or the same experiences in return from the person we love. We have certain expectations and we want them fulfilled. If we don't get that, we get angry, frustrated, dejected, rejected and depressed. Mostly we forget to think from the other person's perspective and we think only from ours.

There are very few examples of selfless love and one that comes to my mind immediately is that of Mother Teresa. I have often wondered what made her come to India and spent her entire life in the care of the needy. Yes, I know...countless books have been written about it and innumerable philosophers and psychiatrists have given their explanations but what started her on her journey and made her do it? I guess she has the answer and we may never know.

Is there any time in your life that you will experience selfless love? I think there is. The only experience of absolute and complete selfless love with no expectations is the love of a child for the parent in the initial years. Note that I say - in the initial years - because as the child grows older and learns the 'tricks of life', the child too starts having expectations and sets boundaries for the level of love to be given to the parent.

But in the initial years the innocence of the child is so pure that the love of the child is an absolute joy. As a parent when you come home and see the innocent smile of the child, it washes away all your fatigue. Yes, I know this is so cliched but unfortunately it is also so true. Only as a parent can you experience this love in life. And when the same child cries in pain, it wrenches your heart out and you will do anything to get that smile back on the face. The child has no expectations from you and loves you for what you are, who you are and whatever you do to the child. You scold the child, shout at the child but the very next moment there is a smile and you forget everything and apologise.

Selfless love is like a gift from God which comes to you only through the smile and emotions of a child. Don't forget it and revel in these moments of pure innocent love for they will never come again.

Day 45 - Retiring at one's peak

2009-10-09T09:39:00.003+05:30

Cricket is a passion in India. Its one sport where we have done relatively well than other sports in recent times. And that has resulted in our cricket players becoming stars and celebrities. But then again we seem to love cricketers from any country. The interesting part is that while we may hate them when they are playing, we start to like them when they retire - more so if they retire when they are at their peak. Shane Warne, Wasim Akram, Geoff Boycott. Waqar Younis, Mike Gatting are just some of the names that come to mind.

What is it about liking a person when they retire at their peak? Why do we start to respect them when that happens?

When Rahul Dravid gave up his captaincy at his peak we all gave him respect and admired him for his actions. We also remember Saurav Ganguly who seemed to hang on to his captaincy and finally retired when he was at his lowest ebb. Today our respect for Dravid is much higher than that for Ganguly, although Ganguly was a much better and successful captain for India. As a mass movement what drives us to respect the peak-retirees more?

And this works in all strata of life. When a Narayan Murthy gives up his Infosys job, when a Madhuri Dixit or a Sridevi leaves movies or when Lata Mangeshkar decides to stop singing for movies, we make them into legends in our collective minds and treat them as special. If the person, however, continues in their career even when they are nor doing well, we seem to loose respect for the person. Only a few people escape that scrutiny like a Sachin Tendulkar or an Amitabh Bachchan who become legends even as they continue working. But even they have to face negative criticism along their elongated career. The same fate does not befall a Narayan Murthy, a Madhuri Dixit or a Lata Mangeshkar. They are the best.

I think this happens because as humans we revel in the fall-from-grace of a celebrity. Somewhere deep down we feel jealous of their success and want to see them fail. When we do not get an opportunity to do that, when the celebrity does not give us that chance we do not have anything low to compare their success to and the success makes a house in our minds. We make an image of the successful person and popularise that in our mind. The success becomes the person. The accolades at that time of retirement become the image of the person in our mind. We then do not forget the person at all.

And that happens when a successful person and a loved person leaves too soon as well. We remember the success, the happiness and the love of that person. A Kalpana Chawla will always be remembered as a successful astronaut. A Gina Campos Braganza will always be remembered as an entrepreneur extraordinaire, a loving friend and an ever-smiling person. She retired from life too soon but she packed ten lifetimes of us ordinary people into her one life and left behind an image of happiness and a legacy of smiles!

Day 44 - Thank you to friends

2009-10-05T15:23:00.006+05:30

I am finding it extremely difficult to pen down another blog post after the abrupt departure of Gina on Saturday. My family and me are still coming to terms with it and finding it hard to reconcile to the fact that we will never see Gina's radiant smile and get to talk with her ever again.

God can play strange games sometimes. In this world of abject mediocrity where most of us lead our lives without leaving behind a trace, He has taken away the one person who has contributed so much to the world and to the people around her and who had so much more to give.

Gina's untimely departure (I am still finding it difficult to say the 'd' word) has exposed the fragility of life for me and how many of us go through life without saying a small word of 'Thanks' to people close to us or how we don't take time out to call a friend and say a few words to them.

So I have decided to dedicate this blog post to say 'Thanks' to the friends who had a significant impact on my life till now, in a chronological manner. The blog post may not appeal to all you readers but please bear with me for this post.

Here goes........THANKS to

Kushal Thakker from Sacred Heart Boys High School: for being my best friend in school and igniting my love for space and astronomy.
Nilesh Shah, Chandrakala Anyarabhatla, Kauser Tasneem Ahmed from National College: for standing with me and shaping my life across the two years of college.
Rajesh More from BVCOE: for being the best room mate in the initial years of engg and showing me that its OK to accept that you don't know some things and are willing to learn.
Arvind Ganesh, Shivraj Yadav & Kaushal Mehta: for being the best friends across 19 years now and supporting me in all my stupid things. Thank you guys. I couldn't have done a lot of things without you and you know that.
Vaishali Deore: for accepting me with my faults and being my first love. I'm sorry I hurt you in the end.
Guneet Singh Sodhi in TSM: for having patience with me, teaching me how to ride a scooter, unconditionally giving me his scooter as I tried to woo my wife and not telling me anything. Being a key factor in me being able to woo Ani. Thank you.
Anindita Das in TSM: for being my friend, accepting me, teaching me how to be a man, teaching me how to accept my faults, loving me and agreeing to be my wife. She is my support system and the bamboo of my life's tamboo.
Shalini Saxena & Padmavati Nori in TSM: for teaching me that a boy and a girl can really be back slapping, running in the corridors, fighting friends.
Preeti Narayanan in TSM & Bangalore: for taking me in when I had no place to live. We were the first true live-in friends way back in 1997.
Nikhil Shah in Genesis: for being a great room mate in a god forsaken PG accomodation and being my friend since then.
Gina in 3M and beyond: for being Gina. Cannot say anything more here.
Arundhati Ghosh in BuyAsOne: for being a sounding board, teaching me things in life, being so open in mind that I can discuss anything with her and being with me for all these years.
Sowmya Ramachandran in IBM: for bearing with my super emotional crap that I load on her. For listening, for bearing my difficult friendship, for accepting my emotions for her and still being my friend, for the ability to discuss topics that other may find ridiculous. I love her very much.
Malathi Srinivasan from IBM: for being a great sounding board friend to whom I can go at any time to discuss esotric details in life.
Ruchi Mohan from IBM: for being the friend with whom I can be naughty, flirty knowing that she is just as fun and mentally mad as me.
Sanjeev & Ritu Rakhra: for being family! Our support system and much much more.
Sandy & Deepa Rahi: for being family.

Thank you for shaping my life till now and I know a lot of you will be shaping my life for a lot more time.

PS: If your name is not here shout out at me and I'll either tell you why or apologise and include your name. :)

Day 43 - Eugenia Maria Campos Braganza

2009-10-03T15:18:00.004+05:30

Eugenia Maria Campos Braganza (23rd Aug 1971 - 3rd Oct 2009)

Gina, as she was popularly known, cannot be described in a few words. I have tried to, but just cannot put my feelings about her on paper.

I met Gina in 1997 when I joined 3M in the Visual Systems Division as a Sales person. She was the marketing person for the division. I remember distinctly that she got me to attend a series of meetings with the WW folks who had come down to India so that I could fast track learn about the division. This was within 7 days of my joining. From the beginning I was blown away by her creativity and her talent. My first lessons in marketing were from her. Gina is my teacher.

I attended her marraige in Hyderabad in 1998 and it was by far one of the most fun christian weddings to attend. Carlton and Gina came in a bullock cart and their wedding card was one that would put a smile on your face. They moved close to our house in St. Thomas town and we would land up at their place quite often. They introduced us to Sanjeev and Ritu Rakhra who have since then become family for us. When we moved to Dheeraj Manor where we now stay, we told them and invited them over to have a look at the building. Carlton and Gina liked the place as well and they bought their flat one floor above ours. Gina is our neighbour.

In between all the above, she left 3M and started TrumpIT which grew in reputation and recogniton. She started Opus which was first of its kind in the country. Opus grew in stature year after year till it has become three Opus and O.tel. She started the first internet Radio station in India. The best part was that she did all this in the day and stil had time and energy to party with the crowd in the night. Everything she started was unique and a success. Gina is an entrepenuer extraordinaire and a rockstar.

Gina has had an effect on every single member of my family in some way or the other. She was my sister's boss at TrumpIt, my mother swears by her Goan Marguerite and says that she has never found that taste anywhere in the world, my son (2 yrs old) played with her on the last day and was inquiring about her yellow Jeep and she has been an inspiration to me. Gina is family.

Over the years we may have not kept in touch and gone separate ways but every time she saw me or my wife she had the same backslapping nature, the most amazing and welcome smile, a twinkle in her eyes and a heart big enough to accomodate the whole world. Gina is a friend.

Gina lived life on her terms. No one could dictate to her what could not be done. The rules of the world bent humble in front of her to accomodate her vision. Her employees were her friends and at the same time learnt a lot from her. Gina is an inspiration.

What can I say about the premature parting of a teacher, a mentor, a neighbour, a friend, a rockstar, an inspiration, a guiding light, a sunshine smile and a family member?

This was not the time or the way for her to go!

I am sure she will open an Opus in heaven and teach God and the angels a thing or two about living life KING SIZE.

Gina will be missed very badly! May you find as much love and happiness in heaven as you did on earth.

Day 42 - Gandhiji

2009-10-02T23:21:00.005+05:30

Mahatma Gandhi would have been 140 years old today if he was alive. The question of what he would have thought of today's India just does not arise as he would not have lived this long.

Even if we assume that he would have lived till a ripe old age of 100, he would have seen the India of 1969 which was still in a way the India that he fought for to give independence to. We still had the license raj and corruption was still there. His protege and favorite person - Jawaharlal Nehru - would have passed away a few years back in 1964, the Congress Party that he helped to become a guiding force would split into two factions, Indira Gandhi - grand daughter of Jawaharlal Nehru - would be the Prime Minister of India, man would land on the moon, Pele would score his 1000th goal, Concorde would have its first flight and many other things would happen in the world.

But the question to ask really is that if he would have lived to a ripe old age of 100, would we as Indians still have revered him the way we do today? It's a very difficult question to answer and one that has no right answer. Mahatma Gandhi's assasination in 1948 was so shocking and so premature for Indians that it was obvious that we raised him to a status of God. Not that this was a wrong thing to do. C'mon, let's face it - he was the most important reason we got independence in 1947 and there in lies the catch.

Mahatma Gandhi was the leader and a beacon for Indians at that time with a simple objective of getting India's independence. In the mind of Indians his main KRA was to get India independent. He was the man for that job. In 1947 that job was completed and he had attained the pinnacle of his life. What next? The running of the country had already passed on to the 'real' politicians. What was to be Gandhiji's new role in the new free India? I think that question would have haunted the new India if he would have lived long. How would we have treated Gandhiji if he had lived to be 100? Would we have revered him the way we do today or a little bit less?

My personal views are that he would have got sidelined as the running of the country would have been taken over by the politicians. His work, in the first few years, would have been to unite India and get the princely states to join India. He would probably have done a great job of that but as India would have started building herself, he would have got sidelined. Politicians would have told him that he had attained what he set out to do and that it was time for him to rest and relax, which he would not have been able to. He would have been treated like a man retired from him job and being asked by everyone to 'take it easy' when the man himself has so many thing that he can accomplish and is not ready to retire. These are my personal views.

In a way, his premature death in 1948 was like a person leaving the stage at the peak of his career. The person is always remembered as THE GREATEST and as a benchmark. The premature leaving of Gandhiji left such a void in India that it could be filled only by loving him more and by reminding ourselves of his ideals, his beliefs and his faith. As a country we did that beautifully on paper but we forgot to practice them.

With passing generations, 2nd October has become just another holiday, a dry day for some, to watch re-runs of movies like Gandhi and more recently 'Lage Raho Munnabhai' and to try and explain to our children who he was and what he stood for.

Wonder what India will do in 10 years time when it is Gandhiji's 150th birthday on 2nd October 2019. Will we be opulant and go overboard in our 'celebrations' or will we try to follow his path?

Only time will tell. I am sure Gandhiji is smiling from somewhere!

Day 41 - Ten Places

2009-10-01T09:31:00.005+05:30

I was watching a program on Discovery Travel and Living last night which spoke about 10 places to see before you die. This was the first time I caught the program but I guess what they do is get some well known person and ask them the question, then go to those places to show you why its a must-see place.

The program last evening spoke about Great Wall of China, Mount Fuji, Angkor Wat and few other places. It got me thinking on what are the ten places that I want to see before I die.

Here is my list, in no specific order of priority:

Grand Canyon, USA
Shuttle Launch from Florida, USA
Eiffel Tower, Paris
Colosseum, Rome
Sistine Chapel, Vatican City
Christ The Redeemer, Rio de Janerio
The Pyramids, Egypt
Great Wall, China
Angkor Wat, Cambodia
Lhasa, Tibet

But after putting down this list, I realised that all these were outside India. I thought about my close friend - Malathi - who is currently doing a trip to Delhi and Agra just to see those places and realised that there are probably many places in my own country that I have not seen and that rival the grandeur of the above places.

So I got down to listing the 10 places in India that I would like to see and here is my list, again in no order of priority:

Taj Mahal, Agra
Qutub Minar & Red Fort, Delhi
Temples of Love, Kahjuraho
Statue of Bahubali, Shravanabelagola
Sun Temple, Konark
Ruins of Hampi, Karnataka
Golden Temple, Amritsar
Jaisalmer Fort, Rajasthan
View of Mount Kanchenjunga & Ladakh
Rameswaram Temple, Tamil Nadu

Do you have a list of your own? I wonder if I will be able to complete this list before the time comes.

Day 40 - Ravana's Secrets Revealed

2009-09-26T15:35:00.005+05:30

I have always been intrigued by Ravana - the biggest villain of Indian mythology. Ravana's portrayal in almost all forms of visual manner have always been that of a loud mouth, angry, ferocious, dangerous laughter kind of a person who is a no-good evil man out to destroy the world.

But is Ravana really that? The one thing that got me thinking was when I heard the story of Hanuman burning Lanka and it was always 'सोने की लंका' (Lanka of Gold). I used to think that if Ravana really was that bad how come his kingdom had so many riches. How could the entire kingdom be of Gold and the people happy if he was a bad king? If he wasn't then why did he do what he did? Why after kidnapping Sita did he not marry her forcefully when he had a harem to show that he could? Why is he depicted with having 10 heads and 20 arms? Why was his navel the source of his life? And finally why did Lord Ram insist that Laxman get a training about governance from Ravana?

So over the years, I started collecting lit tidbits here and there about Ravana to answer my questions. The one thing that really helped to some extent was Zee TV's serial on Ravana.

But here is what I learnt and actually started to respect Ravana more. There are things that I was aware of and some things that I learnt new and was startled to read it.

Ravan was a stout devotee of God Shiva, a scholar, a capable ruler and an expert Veena player. He was Kuber's (God of wealth) brother, grandson of Pulastya (one of the six human sons of God Brahma - the creator). Under his father's tutelage he mastered the Vedas, the holy books and the art of Kshatriya's (warriors). He was the ruler of all the netherworlds ruling over all asuras and captured many human kingdoms as well. In Lanka, however, he was an astute and kind ruler to an extent that even the poorest house had vessels of gold to eat from and hunger was unknown in his kingdom.

Why could he not take Sita forcefully as his wife?
The story goes that he got his eyes set on the apsara Rambha who was betrothed to his brother Kubera's son. Even her plea that she was like a daughter to him was not enough to deter him. Angered at that Kubera's son cursed him that if he tried to take any woman forcefully all his ten heads would roll off. That is what is supposed to have protected Sita's chastity.

Why is his life in his navel?
Ravan performed an intense penance to God Brahma. Please by that God Brahma appeared in front of him as granted him one boon to which Ravana asked for immortality. Brahma could not give him that but gave him the celestial nectar of immortality which he stored under his navel. This is the secret and he could not be vanquished until the nectar was dried out. Vibhishan knew that and pointed it out to Lord Rama. (though the question is why didn't Lord Rama - an avatar of Vishnu and boss of Brahma know that. Possibly Brahma didn't tell his boss?)

Why is he depicted as having ten heads and twenty arms?
There are many stories to that. One story goes that when he was trying to get into the good books of God Shiva, after angering him in trying to lift Mount Kailash, he cut his head and put it at the feet of God Shiva (interestingly this was after he had stored the nectar in his navel so he knew that he wouldn't die anyway - cheeky, I say). God Shiva restored his head to which he did the same thing nine times and that's how he got ten heads. It is also said that through his various penances and skills he was, as a single person, equal to someone with the intellect and strength of ten people - he was ten people in one body and hence the description. The serial on Zee TV talks abut an illusion that is the ten heads. Ravana's father was the great sage Visharava who was also a great inventor. Once as a kid Ravana happened to peep inside his father's hut and saw his father with ten heads. Although being afraid, curiosity got the better of him and he realised that his father had invented a necklace which when worn reflected light and made an illusion of ten heads. Ravana was shrewd and realised the potential of this simple illusion and when he went to battle he would wear the necklace and strike fear in the minds of his opponents.

There are many interpretations of Ravana's ten heads but the one that I think is the best is that each of Ravan's heads stands for one sin:

Kama vasana (Lust)
Krodha (Anger)
Moha (delusoion)
Lobha (Greed)
Mada (Over Pride)
Matsara (Jealousy)
Manas (Mind)
Buddhi (Intellect)
Chitta (will)
Ahankara (Ego).

In the end though, Ravana will always be remembered as a villain because of his one mistake of kidnapping the wife of an upstanding leader and then letting ego and pride come in the way to fight Ram all the way losing his family, his friends and his name in the process.

This is what we should learn from the story of Ravana - it takes a long time to build your reputation but a simple inglorious act can destroy it. At the same time, it is never too late to admit one's fault and ego and pride should never come in the way of humility and truth!

Day 39 - बुरी नज़र

2009-09-24T15:28:00.003+05:30

One of the first things that you come across when you become a parent (in India at least) is your mother or grandmother putting a small black mark on the baby or making the baby wear a black thread. The idea behind this is to ward off the evil eyes or बुरी नज़र of people. The concept is that when people see your child and say things like 'So cute', 'so beautiful' etc they are also subconsciously or un-intentionally casting their bad thoughts along with that. They are comparing the cuteness of your child with others and unknowingly passing judgement and sending those negative energy to the child. When the negative energy builds up, it makes the child cranky, angry and un-managebale. The child seems to cry for no reason and starts behaving irrationally like not eating. The black thread or the black mark is supposed to ward off these evil eyes and form a shield over the child.

Now, I pride myself on the fact that I am a very scientific guy. I am sure that for most of the things in this word there is a scientific explanation - barring things like ghosts for which I have a simple funda. I believe in ghosts because I don't want to come up against one. So while agreeing to tie the thread or put the black mark, I was also skeptical about this whole grandmother's tale and mumbo-jumbo.

Till I experienced it myself first hand for which I had no scientific explanation to give.

Sometimes the black mark or the thread is not enough and the negative energy build up over the child. When that happens and the child becomes cranky and crying you can also remove the negative energy and discard it by doing a ritual called नज़र ऊतारना (nazar utarna).

Try this at home. Take a handful of dried red chillies, add a dash of mustard seeds to them and some salt. Put this on a gas burner and light it up. Make sure that you have the exhaust fan on at full blast or you have something covering you nose and eyes as the smoke can cause intense coughing. But if this same combination is passed over a child who has the negative energy and then burnt, you can stand there and breathe in the fumes and nothing will happen to you. I though this was complete mumbo-jumbo.

When Ipsi was 9 months old we went with some friends to Ooty. We went to someone's house one day. Ipsi was absolutely fine in the day but in the night when we tried to feed her, she just kept crying. Finally Ani took the red chili + mustard + salt, passed it over Ipsi's body five times and went to the gas. At the same time the old lady of the house took red chilies and salt, passed it over Ipsi's body and threw it outside. As Ani was getting ready to burn the chili we were all ready to cover our noses. Wonder of wonders - not a whiff of the obnoxious smell came from the gas. When the thing was completely burnt, Ipsi stopped crying and ate her food. That was my first experience of नज़र ऊतारना and I became a believer.

Since then I am an advocate of this ritual and keep telling my fiends to do nazar utarna for their kids if they are looking cute in a new dress or if they have just performed somewhere and everyone has sung their praises or just if the kid is cranky. It works just like it did last night too with Tarush. He had been crying for almost one hour before we did this. No smell and just a few minutes later he was asleep.

What is it? What is the explanation for no fumes? How does it work?

I have no scientific explanation for this but it works! Try it!

Day 38 - Health Conscious

2009-09-23T16:23:00.003+05:30

I have never been a health conscious person and have never bothered about taking care of my body or my looks. People who know me will vouch for the fact that I am a classic example of a non-looker who has bad skin and dracula teeth. My policy has always been that this is how I am. Like me or love me like this.

Over the years I have gone through some pretty horrific experiences of regular illnesses. My immune system, if it exists, has a tendency of taking an illness to its extreme. I remember getting malaria when I was a kid and I needed five razai (thick bedcovers) to stop me from shivering. I got chicken pox that left pock marks all over my body. When the world got mumps in one cheek, I got in both so my mouth was closed for a duration of 7 days. Some say that's a good thing...at least they didn't have to hear my voice! ;)

I was always a thin and lanky chap growing up. Across my eduction years and to some extent even when I started working, I was like a scarecrow with some skin thrown on top.

My 'growth' started only post my engagement to Ani when my mother-in-law decided to 'fatten' me up. Since then its been a 'paunchy' wide with my paunch growing from a small cycle tyre to a full fledged truck tyre that it is today. But I still did not bother too much about my health and was always of the opinion that you should enjoy eating. After all you only live once!

At the other extreme is a close friend of mine who is very health conscious. If you look at her today you will never be able to say that she is a mother of a 3 year old kid. Dressed in jeans and a top she can easily pass off as a teenager going to college. When we go out for lunches, she is very keen to ensure that she does not over-eat, eats properly and has 'health' food. I've usually made fun of her but at the same time envied her a lot.

My wake-up call came a few months back when I went for my company sponsored Annual Health check up. Till then I was always arrogant that I have had good health and my BMI is normal. The health check up threw up two things - by BMI, I was marginally obese and I had marginal cholesterol. This added to my fear that I spoke about on Day 13 was enough to trigger something in me. I still dilly-dallied for a few months.

Well......I've recently joined the band of health conscious people. I've joined a gym recently on a weight loss program and my target is to loose 10 Kgs by Nov end (incidentally, just in time for my 'health conscious' friend's birthday) and get back into the non-obese category. Its been 20 odd days now and I have been regular to the gym and have been following a strict diet plan. Its tough, especially after so many years of not caring and eating whatever is good to taste. I've had to cut down on food intake, spread my meals, give up fried and sweets and do a daily dose of gym or cardio. So far I've survived. The test will be to see if I can continue this for the next few months, loose the weight and then have the discipline to continue it for a life time. Temptations will be there but the willpower and motivation to live long healthily, beyond may family and friend is there.

Will I make it? Will I meet my target? We will circle back in December end to this post.

Wish me luck! And welcome me to the health conscious club!

Day 37 - My money, can I spend it the way I want?

2009-09-21T12:39:00.003+05:30

There is a huge media coverage currently in India on the Austerity Drive being run by the UPA government in place. The political party in power suddenly seems to have woken up to the fact that the economy is not in a good shape while at the same time their ministers are spending on staying in 5 star hotels and traveling business class. The whole party suddenly seems to want to travel economy class in air or in a train or stay at regular guest houses.

The opposition party, of course, is calling it a complete sham (as expected) and calling it a symbol of hypocrisy. But that's expected from them. As was the fact that they raised a furor on Shahsi Tharoor's simple tweet about the austerity drive. Tharoor should have realised that politicians in India do not have a sense of humor and are always looking for chinks in the opposition party's politician's armor. But that's a different blog!

Here's some of the UPA government's largese on austerity:

Sonia Gandhi travels economy class on domestic journey.
Rahul Gandhi travels by train (Shatabdi).
Pranab Mukherjee travels by economy class.
SM Krishna & Tharoor vacate 5 star hotels.
SM Krishna shuns his private jet and travels regular airlines.
Somnath Chatterjee asks for his security to be removed.
................and I am sure there are many more that will come up in the next few days.

Is this a good thing? Absolutely......its good that our politicians will travel the same way that we do. Its good that the government money is being spent on austere measures and not on extravagant spend.

But what if it is my own money? What if I am trying to spend my own money? Should I be austere as well in these times?

I am of the opposite opinion.

If I am spending my own hard earned money, then nobody has the right to question me or comment on how I am spending that money. I have worked a large portion of my life, and will continue to work, to earn money and to ensure that I am able to give myself and my family a safe and happy life that they deserve or that they wish for. If I can afford to buy a house and furnish it with the best things, if I can afford to have a swanky car to drive around and if I can afford to travel business class on my own hard earned money, then why should I be required to justify that spend? After all I have worked and contributed to society to earn that money!

Socialists will mention that we don't need all those material things and by traveling by train instead of business class, the money saved can be contributed for a better good of society. My response to that is that I work so hard so that I get to a place where I can afford these things. Why should I deny myself the pleasure of material comforts when I have worked for them?

In my world austerity for government is good as they are spending the country's money. But at a personal level, I am all for capitalism.

I work hard, I earn money.....if I can afford it, I will spend!

Day 36 - ममता और बापता

2009-09-19T22:48:00.004+05:30

A lot is always said of a mother's love for a child। A mother is always connected to the child and children will always go to their mother for advice first. A mother feels the pain of the child and knows instinctively when the child is in trouble or when the child is happy

And all that is true but I also think that the world is unfair on fathers. No one ever talks about a father's love for his child. Or at least very few do. So here are my two bits about it.

For mothers its easy to feel love for their child. They bear the child, they grow (if that's the right word) child, they nurture the child and they feel connected to the child for nine months inside them. Its like getting a 100 mtr head start in a 400 mtr race. As the child grows in them, they feel the first heart beats, they feel the first kicks and they get to know what the child likes and dislikes though the child's reactions inside them. There is little wonder then that the mother knows her child better than anyone else. When the child is born there is another, at least 4 - 5 months, of dependency on the mother. The mother feeds it and rears it with its own milk making the child healthier. The baby gets to feel the warmth of the mother and gets to hear the mother's voice at all times. So even when the race starts the mother has already pulled ahead another 100 mtrs in the baby's mind. From -9 to +4, that's almost 13 months, the baby knows, understands and feels only the mother.

Let's go to the other side now. As a father we really have no contribution to make after the baby is conceived. Our job is done and we have nothing to say in the matter of the baby. All we have to do now is ensure that the mother is happy. Yes, we do feel the baby's kicks but really those are few and far in between - nothing as compared to the constant feeling that the mother has. We can talk to the baby but even those times are limited as we are at work far away from the baby as he/she is growing up in the womb. The baby has already formed a relationship of voice and kicks with the mother and the baby doesn't even know who we are. When the baby is born, again we have no contribution to make other than maybe put the baby to bed when it been fed by the mother. We are at work while the mother is forming an even stronger bond with the baby. We, fathers, have to work at forming a relationship with our own baby.

While the mother has already formed a strong relationship with the baby due to proximity and need, we have to work extra hard to form that relationship and make the baby realise that we are an integral part of their lives as well. The toughest part is that as men we are not used to this. We are basically a lazy part of the homosapien species (or at least we have become now - the cavemen used to hunt so couldn't have been that lazy) and its in our basic firmware to shirk responsibility. Leave us to our devices and we will not do any work. Its only a few of us who really like to clean and swab and wash and do all those nice things. So it really does take a lot of effort from our side to form that relationship with our kids. We have to work at it and while it takes time, it also makes us feel insecure. I mean, why should we need to work at forming a relationship with our own children? But we do and that's the reality.

So my advice to all the new mothers out there is to involve your husbands in the process of child bearing. Let them hold the child from the beginning. Let them feel the fragility of the child and marvel at the fact when their tiny hand curl around our big finger. Let the fathers feed the child and clean the child and let the child form a relationship with their father. Leave the child and the father alne sometimes and let them deal with each other.

Most importantly realise that we have to make an effort while you do not. So give us that respect and treat us well when we try our best to form the relationship.

In the long run, that is what will help the family! ममता भगवन की देन है , बापता बनानी पड़ती है !

Day 35 - Birthdays: Worst and Best!

2009-09-17T10:11:00.006+05:30

We recently hosted a surprise 75th birthday party for my father-in-law.

The entire family was around him and more importantly his close friends had been invited as well. I refered to that in my blog post of Day 27 (Family but not Family) .

While my FIL is not given to emotions, I think from his surprised look we were fairly confident that he had a good time and liked what we did.

But this got me thinking about birthdays. Birthdays are important days for us, aren't they? Irrespective of what age we reach. Its always fun to get wishes from everyone and in today's world with Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites, birthdays becomes days when you feel loved and wanted. You get to see so many wishes from everyone that its absolute fun. But of course the best wishes come from your family and closest friends. Across many years now, I have always received a hard copy card in the post from my parents for my birthday and I look forward to it. But once in a while comes across a birthday which turns out to be not so good.

Here are my two WORST and two BEST birthdays.

WORST
1994: I was in Mumbai staying with my cousin and between jobs. On my birthday I was all alone. My cousin brother and his family didn't remember my birthday and probably didn't care. Remember these were days with no cell phones and so I didn't get a call from my parents either. I actually searched the telephone directory and found the number of a long lost friend who I called, spoke to and just happened to mention that it was my birthday just so someone could wish me on that day. That was probably the worst birthday that I had as I left quite lonely.

2006: It was like any other birthday. I got wishes from my family, a cute card from my daughter, parents and sister called and wishes me and so did some friends. So why do I call this as one of my worst? Because the one close friend who I thought very highly of forgot my birthday and did not call me at all. I waited and waited for her call but nothing. The fact that she did not call me cast a shadow on all the beautiful things that others had done and that's the reason I categorise this as one of my worst birthdays. In my view, good friends are supposed to remember friends birthdays. Of course, its a different perspective that a few months later and even bigger storm was to hit our friendship, but that's a different blog.

BEST
1980 or around that time: I must have been 8 or 10 years old and I wanted a cycle very badly. So as my birthday approached I started asking my parents for a cycle for myself. I promised I would take care of it and ride it everyday. I was almost convinced that I would get the cycle on my birthday and waited eagerly for the day to come. Come the day and there was no cycle. I waited, went to school, came back, cut the cake and still no cycle. I asked my parents and they said that they are not getting a cycle for me as it is too expensive. That's when I could not take it and started crying and bawling. My Dad decided to take me out (it was almost night and quite dark) to calm me down and explain things to me. I went along quite depressed. We reached the main road and my Dad kept looking up and down the road. Suddenly (like in the movies) I see a red cycle being ridden and coming close to my Dad. He thanks the person and says here's your surprise. It was all a drama to surprise me and that was the best birthday of my short life till then. I thanked my parents profusely, hugged them, kissed them and loved my cycle. I still remember that day.

2009: Yes...this year's birthday was one of the best birthdays of my life. I was in Singapore and returned a day before to a party at my house with family friends. But that was the expected one. As the clock turned midnight they all wished me, had dinner and started to leave. We decided to meet later in the evening for the actual birthday party. That evening my wife prepared some good food, got dressed and sat with me. I was wondering why she was dressed so well for our regular family friends coming home but then thought that maybe coz it was my birthday. I was relatively sloppily dressed. The bell rang and I opened the door to the biggest surprise of the day. There standing at the door were my two closest friends with their family and the third one was on her way. This was the group of three that I love very much. These are my closest friends and not necessarily my wife's. She had taken the effort to call them, invite them, ensure that it was a surprise, told our family friends to go along when I said that we'll see them that evening and set this whole birthday party for me. WOW.....that was something and I loved her even more!

So these are my two worst and best birthdays till date.

What are yours?

Day 34 - Spin Offs

2009-09-15T10:22:00.008+05:30

I blogged about my fascination for 'all things space' in my last blog post. When I was growing up {not that I've stopped growing now ;) } I used to have these conversations with my Dad where he would chide me for my 'love' of space efforts. I would follow closely the shuttle launches and the activities of the astronauts. I loved the fact that we had started work on the ISS and would look out for the images from Hubble telescope whenever the newspapers carried them.

The discussions with my Dad would typically center around the fact that billions of dollars were being spent on these frivolous space antics while the same money can be used to do so much more on Earth. He would always question what good does this space research serve to humanity. At that time I usually did not have an answer for him.

Over the years this question has bothered me too and I have tried to find out the practical uses of space technology. Has the billions of dollars spent on space research and travel contributed anything to us living presently on earth?

Well, Dad......it has!! A lot of things that we use today in our daily lives and take for granted have actually come from space research.

Here are some:

Invisible Bra ces: Dental braces that are almost invisible but serve the purpose were developed by Unitek using TPA which was developed in conjunction with NASA Advanced Ceramics Research Division. TPA is strong enough to withstand use and is translucent, making it a prime material for invisible braces. Because of their instant popularity, invisible braces are one of the most successful products in the orthodontic industry.

Scratch Resistant Lenses: Spectacles that you use today are usually made of plastic so that they don't shatter when they fall. But plastic scratches easily, doesn't it? So how come your spectacles don't? The answer is again NASA. Because of dirt and particles found in space environments, NASA needed a special coating to protect space equipment, particularly astronaut helmet visors. Recognizing an opportunity, the Foster-Grant sunglasses manufacturer licensed the NASA technology for its products. The special plastics coating made its sunglasses ten times more scratch-resistant than uncoated plastics.

Memory Foam: Do you feel comfortable on your bike seat or when you sleep on your mattress at night? NASA helps some people sleep better at night. Temper foam found in Tempurpedic brand mattresses and similar brands was originally developed for space flight and later repackaged for the home. The open cell polyurethane-silicon plastic was created for use in NASA aircraft seats to lessen impact during landings. The plastic has a unique property that allows it to evenly distribute the weight and pressure on top of it, which provides shock absorbency. Even after being compressed to 10 percent of its size, the memory foam will return to its original shape .

Ear Thermometer: Ever wondered where the ear thermometer that you use to measure your kid's temperature was invented? Who thought of it and how does it measure temperature when it does have mercury? Diatek, which developed the first of these kinds of thermometers, took advantage of NASA's previous advancements in measuring the temperature of stars with infrared technology. Together with NASA's Jet Propulsion Lab, the company invented an infrared sensor that serves as the thermometer. Aural thermometers with these infrared sensors take your temperature by measuring the amount of energy your eardrum gives off into the ear canal. Since the eardrum is inside our bodies, it acts as an accurate sensor for the energy, or heat, inside of our bodies that increases when we get sick.

Shoe Insoles: The spring in your step when you wear athletic shoes may literally come from NASA's technology for astronauts who went to the moon. The space suit designed for the Apollo missions included specially-made boots that put a spring in astronaut's steps while providing ventilation. Athletic shoe companies have taken this technology and adopted it to construct better shoes that lessen the impact on your feet and legs. In the mid-1980s, shoe company KangaROOS USA applied the principles and materials in moon boots to a new line of athletic shoes. With help from NASA, KangaROOS patented a Dynacoil three-dimensional polyurethane foam fabric that distributes the force on your feet that happens when you walk or run [source: NASA Science and Technology Information]. By coiling the fibers within the fabric, the KangaROOS absorb the energy from your foot hitting the ground, rebounding it back to your feet.

Long distance telecommunications: Oh, by the way the phone call that you make to your cousin or aunt in US is thanks to the technology that NASA developed over decades. Before humans were sent into space, NASA built satellites that could communicate with people on the ground about what outer space was like. Using similar satellite technology, around 200 communication satellites orbit the globe each day.

Water Filters: An everyday thing like the water filter that you use actually comes from space research technology. Cool, isn't it? The ability to convert contaminated water to pure water is an incredibly important scientific achievement.Astronauts needed a way to cleanse water they take up into space, since bacteria and sickness would be highly problematic. NASA wanted to know how to clean water in more extreme situations and keep it clean for longer periods of time.

If you look at a water filter, you can usually detect small chunks of charcoal inside of them. Sometimes, when you first use a water filter, you'll even notice tiny black flecks from those chunks. This charcoal is specially activated and contains silver ions that neutralize pathogens in the water. Along with killing bacteria in the water, the filters also prevent further bacterial growth. Companies have borrowed from this same technology to bring us the water filter systems millions of people use at home every day.

There are many more such technology innovations in daily life that have come from space research - cordless tools, Firefighter suits, Battery that drives the electric car, the new swimming costumes that are breaking records and many more. You can read about them at the NASA's Spinoff site.

So, hey Dad........space technology investment is not really a waste of money!! Phew!

Day 33 - My fascination for space

2009-09-13T10:20:00.007+05:30

Since I was in the 6th or 7th standard I have always been fascinated by space and its limitless potential. I moved from Ahmedabad to Mumbai in the 6th standard and joined school mid-way. A group of friends used to discuss Kepler's laws and Saturn's rings and I could not join in the conversation. So I started to read up about them and got hooked for life. I went back and told them about the gaps in Saturn's rings and from them on I was hooked to the stars.

As I grew older my fascination grew for space travel and its potential to free human race from the Earth. In this fertile environment came STAR WARS from George Lucas. Imagine a 9 year old boy who is just discovering space and liking it, sitting inside a theater and seeing his imagination come to life. Space travel, fights, aliens of different kinds, humans.......WOW......and in all that such imaginative characters as Darth Vader and Jabba the Hutt! Star Wars laid the foundation of my scifi fascination. Even today I am a huge kid when it comes to Star Wars and all my friends and family know that.

I have dragged my friends to Star Wars movies where they have rolled their eyes while I have been engrossed in the movie. In fact when Star Wars - Revenge of the Sith was premiered in India and I had the tickets, my wife could not come with me. So I called up a friend and I told her that I can take you to this movie but you have to understand that I may not talk to you when the movie is going on and I may potentially ignore you completely. I had goose bumps when Anakin Skywalker finally becomes Darth Vader.

In my workplace a small corner of my desk is occupied by the characters of Star Wars and this will only grow.

This fascination was also fueled by TV series like Star Trek at an early age and then Farscape later on.

The next logical step was books and Isaac Asimov and Arthur C Clarke gave wings to my imagination. I still call them my gurus. While Asimov's Foundation and Robot series painted the life opera and the fight of good-v/s-evil on a galactic canvas, Clarke's Odessey and Rama series raised ethical questions about humans and aliens. I loved (and still do) them immensely and even today will pick up scifi book over any other.

My fascination is such that three of my '10 things to do before I die' have something to do with space!

You may call it an escapist thing or you may label it as a dream to break free, but for me space and space travel is about the immense potential for human life to go beyond the 'cradle' of Earth and explore this huge galaxy and universe that has been given to us. I find it absolutely impossible that we are in this obscure corner of this lonely galaxy and that we are the only intelligent beings in the universe.

Skeptics say that we have not found any inkling of intelligent life out there in the universe. But this is similar to us being a small tribe in the deepest jungles of Amazon and thinking that we are the only ones when just a few thousand Kms away there are skyscrapers, neon lights and technology far beyond our imagination. We just need to find the path that will lead us from the deepest Amazon jungle to a village nearby and from them to a city and a town and the capital of the country. What the Amazon tribes count in footsteps, we count in light years.

Its just a matter of time!!

Day 32 - Communication Etiquette

2009-09-11T09:59:00.002+05:30

Communication has always been an essential part of being human. We 'seem' to better than the rest of the animal life on this planet because of our ability to communicate complex thoughts and things to each other.

But communication also needs to be a two-way thing. I am not going to espouse about communication techniques here but rather what I believe should be the basic etiquette for communication in these times. Today we are all connected to each other through multiple means, other than face-to-face talking, like emails, phone calls, sms and social media.

Unlike earlier times when a delay or lag in replying to a communication was an accepted thing, in today's world we are all connected instantaneously and hence there should be certain rules of replies.

Here are my rules of basic communication etiquette - from a reply side. You may or may not believe in the same things:

Always reply to any form of communication from family and friends.
Always reply to solicited communication from business associates.
If you do not wish to be disturbed at some point of the day on your phone, switch it off.
If you have a missed call on your phone because you could not pick up the call, call the person back within a reasonable time.
If you missed a call because you were talking to someone else and your line was busy, call the person back as basic courtesy.
If you get a sms from someone as a conversation piece, reply to the sms in reasonable time. This does not apply to jokes or chain sms.
If you commit to a person that you will call them back, do not keep them hanging waiting for your call. Basic etiquette requires that you have to call them back at the time you mentioned or within a reasonable time, as you committed to the same.
If you get an email directly marked to you that needs your response, reply back within the day. This does not apply to emails which come to you for your information or as a 'cc'.
Rule 8 also applies to emails from your friends although this could take slightly lesser priority during business hours.
Remember communication is a two way street - it works only if you reply and maintain basic courtesy.

It irks me when some of my closest friends - friends that I love immensely - do not seem to follow these basic rules. I try to follow them and abide by them at least 95% of the times and my aim is to ensure that I abide by them 100%.

Do you agree with these rules? And do you abide by them?

Day 31 - Business Travel

2009-09-09T19:06:00.004+05:30

The grass is always greener on the other side - a saying that usually comes true in some form or another at some stage of your life. I believe that it is never more truer than with respect to traveling out of your country on business.

When one is young and just starting a job, one always feels envious of the 'seniors' who get to travel all over the world on work. What could be more fun? You get to go to different places, the travel and stay is free and you just have to do some work when there. Without spending any money on the expensive things like travel and stay, you get to see many new places and cities of the world. The first trip is always very exciting. As the day comes closer you have mixed feelings - you are excited about going to a new place and at the same time a bit worried about how you will tackle the place. Its usually fun when you are young and for the first few times or at least the first time to a new place.

Then as the 'foreign' travel increases you start to dread the same. Even if the travel and stay is free, who would want to sit in a cramped aircraft for umpteen hours, bear the ridiculous late night flight times from India, eat the 'bad' food and suffer jet lag when you get to your location. Not to consider the fact that you need to work there and will probably have no time to roam the city.

If you are like me the business travels become even more difficult. I am not a great fan of roaming a new city all alone, unlike my Dad. My Dad will land in a new place and use the hotel room only to sleep. He gets out and roams the city taking in the museums and the sights and sounds using the local transport. He doesn't know how the tube or the bus service works but will still experiment and see the city. I, on the other hand, dread the fact that I may have to use the local transport. I fear that I may get lost in a new city and I don't like to experiment. And this is more true if I don't have any company.

On a business travel, I hate the fact that I have to go away from my family and friends. I have to stay alone in a hotel room. If I don't have any company I usually stay put in the room alone and go to office and back. I tend to miss my family and friends and the safe comfort feeling of my country and my people. I fear the fact that if I use the local transport, I may not know how to get back and may get lost. So in a new city, if I don't have company, I will travel from the hotel to the places of interest by cab even if it is expensive. I will try to see the places but end up spending more money than if I would have just taken the great local transport system.

I write this as I sit at the Hong Kong airport waiting for my flight to get back home to Bangalore. And I did exactly that. Last time I was here, I saw the Victoria Peak and the Symphony of Lights but went everywhere by cab as I was alone. This time I visited the Temple Street Night Market and that too all thanks to my friend Eunice Lim who had also come for the same meeting from Singapore. If she was not there, I would have stayed put in the room.

I envy my Dad who is able to roam the city all alone using the local transport and experiment all by himself. For me the grass is greener on the other side and I enjoy a family travel more than a business travel at any time.

But at the same time, I still want to do new places and experience new things.

What a dichotomy!

Day 30 - L.I.FE: Anatomy of a Group

2009-09-05T11:30:00.003+05:30

I've been lucky enough to have been a part of two groups in my life till date. By groups I don't mean music bands or hobby / activity groups or any such sort, I mean group of friends.

You will notice in your life that usually its a friend circle or group of friends that you are a part of. This is true when you are in school, college or work life. A few common people come together and sub consciously form a group that seems to start 'hanging out' together. Soon this group becomes something that you look forward to. This is different from my post on 'Family but not Family' of a few days back.

So as I said, I've been lucky enough to be a part of at least two groups that are very close to my heart. In fact that 'group of friends' still exists though in one instance we may be thousands of miles apart.

As I think about my group of friends, I realise that every group seems to have a set pattern and you can actually classify people in the group into certain brackets or types. These are, of course, my thoughts and you may have differ from them. But by and large people / friends in a group can be classified into L.I.FE - not withstanding the fact that a group does need life to make it!

Late Latif: This is the person who is perennially late to any meeting. You tell the person that we will meet at 2:00pm and you will realise that while all the others are there, this person will be having a bath in their house at 1:45 and will say that they will be there by 2. Usually they land up for the meeting by 2:30. Over a period of time you start accounting for their delay and adjust your meeting time accordingly. If you have to meet at 3, you tell everyone 2:30 knowing that all others will account for the delay and surprisingly will land up by 3. Of course, the flip side is that the punctual person will land up always on time and have to wait for the Late Latif!

The fun is that we love them for that and have a good laugh everytime we meet.

Intermittent: These are the people in the group about whom you are never sure. Are they a part of the group or are they just there for some time? These people seem to come in and go out of the group from time to time. To the other members it seems as if this person is not 'dedicated' to the group. While the rest of the gang will try to ensure that the group stays alive, you feel as if it doesn't make much difference to the 'Intermittent' person if the group survives or not. They will just drift from one group to the next.

The truth may be that these people are afraid to show their emotions but feel as stringly about the group as the next person.

Fun loving & Energetic: Now these are the core of the group. These are the people for whom it is imperitive that the group survive and they will try anything to ensure that the group meets and has fun. These are usually the people in the group who will send emails, make calls and keep in touch with everyone else. They enthuse a lot of energy into the group and make it fun to meet. They will get the others to decide on the venue, time and date so that the group meets. They will try to keep a balance in the group and make sure that everyone is talking to each other. They show empathy with others and try to bring out the issues and solve them. I would call them the 'bamboo' that holds the 'tamboo' in place.

But for any group to form you need all sorts of people. If everyone is the same, the group will not form.

I believe that L.I.FE form a group.

I can identify the L.I.FE members in my groups. Can you in yours?

Day 29 - Father Son, A changing dynamic

2009-09-02T21:16:00.003+05:30

My Daddy Strongest - that's the tagline of one of the ads in India and it in a way symbolises what all of us believe when we are young. At different stages of our lives our Dads play different roles and hold different positions for us.

When we are young, its 'My Daddy Strongest'
When we are teenagers, its 'My Daddy does not understand'
When we start working, its 'My Daddy gives advice'
When we become slightly successful, its 'My Daddy is old in his thoughts'
When we have our kids, its 'My Daddy cutest, as a grandfather'
When we bring up our kids, its 'My Daddy must be emulated'
When our dad becomes old, its 'My Daddy bestest'!

Along this whole journey for most of the part, we go to our Dad for advice, help and support. When we come up against something at work or need help on financial matters we seek out our Dads. Usually Dad is a pillar of strength who brings home the money, takes care of us and ensures that we are all safe.

As we grow older, the roles of the care-giver and the care-taker sometimes change. You need to start taking care of your Dad as he grows older and you realise that he needs support and help as well. This usually happens towards the twilight years of his life of if he goes through a physical trauma at some time. But sometimes the father-son relationship can take a very interesting and nice turn.

I've had an interesting relationship with my Dad over the last few years. For most part of my life, to me my Dad was someone who was super intelligent and took care of us making sure that we did not come to harm. He taught me maths and made me love the subject, he supported me in my decisions, he stood by me when I went through some bad times and he was the pillar of strength. While my Mom was the emotional one, my Dad was someone who I could go to to have a rational conversation. His only weak point seemed to be my Mom.

Then a few years back the relationship started to change. My Dad seemed to start showing his emotional side and started expressing his love and affection for us. My sister and me were a little taken aback initially but then realised that all these years he had probably suppressed these emotions. It was interesting to see him coming in touch with his emotional side and expressing that openly.

For me, two incidents shifted our relationship into a completely different plane and change the dynamics of our father-son relationship. First, he retired after serving in one organisation all his working life. Second, he had a surgery and this for a person who had not been to a hospital all his life. Combined, these two things changed our perspectives towards each other.

I've touched upon the surgery's affect on me in my Day 25 blog post but his perspective on me seemed to change as well.

When he retired he started getting offers from organisations to consult to them in the field of Oil & Gas. My Dad is one of the best people in the field of Geology and one of the architects of Indian government's NELP program which is into its eight year now. As he started getting these offers, he started calling me to seek advice on how to deal with the 'corporates' that were calling him. How to present and how to negotiate with them on his consulting fees were some of the questions that he posed to me. His point being that he had always worked in a government organisation while I had always been in a corporate environment and hence would know better than him on how to deal with the 'corporate' guys. It was interesting for me to see that he was open to seeking advice from his son. He is open about telling me that he is going to an interview and we discuss about how he should pitch himself, what he should discuss, how much he should ask for, how he should negotiate and how he should position himself.

I have tremendous respect for my Dad when he does that. With those simple gestures he passes on a message to me that he respects me for what I have achieved, values my perspective and perceives me as a mature individual. He has also taught me that it is never too late to learn and definitely nothing to be ashamed of learning from someone younger to you. A lesson I must remember.

While he does have his quirks and idiosyncrasies, for me today its definitely 'My Daddy bestest'!

Day 28 - Sibling Bonding

2009-08-31T10:55:00.002+05:30

45 days back, on 14th July in my Day 3 post, I spoke about the arrival of my two nephews from US. They were traveling alone and we were all worried if they will arrive safely. Of course, they did!

The initial thought was also how the four cousins, nephews at 13 (Arijit) & 9 (Shubhojit) and my kids at 7 (Ipsita) & 2 (Tarush), would react to each other and if they would bond and play together. After all they were seeing each other after 3 years and a lot of things had changed in that time. The last time Jeet and Shubho came to India, Ipsi was 4 and Tarush was not there. The other objective of sending the boys alone ahead from US was also to give them time to interact with the family and get to know their cousins.

Its interesting to see how things change and bonds are formed. Tarush, being 2, had no preconceptions about what to do with whom and so started interacting with his cousins right away. He asked them for things, told them to play with him, got them to operate the DVD to play his favorite movie - Rock On - and rode them as horses. Ipsi, on the other hand, is at an age where she has to analyse if the person is worth it. She approached her cousins (and vice-versa) with trepidation and unsure of how to react and what to say. The initial days were spent in the three cousins tentatively interacting with each other. As the days passed they started playing together and interacting more freely. It did help that we went for outings across all weekends like Innovative Film City, Aircraft Museum, Fun City at Oasis Mall, the Planetarium and other places. As they were forced to spend some time together they started bonding very well.

Interestingly Ipsi and Shubho (both just two years apart) have bonded very closely and in the end were off playing on their own. Shubho was explaining to her about things in US and Ipsi would tell him about things here. Jeet on the other hand bonded very well with Tarush, and that was the unexpected part. His mom (my sis-in-law) also commented that she had not seen this side of her elder son. Tarush would want to sit with his elder cousin and play with him only.

Today, as they left in the morning, I am sure the kids will miss each other tremendously. While Tarush may not have too many memories the next time they meet, I am sure Ipsi and Shubho have formed a long lasting relationship while Jeet has discovered a new caring side to himself.

Siblings bond over common interests. While they may be forced into a relationship because of family, they form their bonds that last a lifetime. I remember with great nostalgia the wonderful summer vacations spent in Hyderabad with my cousins - the games we played, the plans we made, the books we read and the music we danced to. This feeling continues to this day.

All this is possible because my wife has a sister and she has kids. This is another point in favour of having two kids. When the family has two kids, the siblings get to meet and bond and form lifelong relationships. In a single child family sometimes the kids do not have these close relationships as they don't have first cousins.

I hope Jeet, Shubho, Ipsi and Tarush form a life long relationship and that it gets augmented when my sister gets married and has her children.

Day 27 - Not family but FAMILY

2009-08-30T11:32:00.003+05:30

We celebrated my father-in-law's (FIL)75th birthday yesterday at home with a surprise party for him. My wife's sister and her family is down as well and so for my father-in-law it was his entire family at one place.

But the interesting part is that we also invited 5 families to this do. None of these are family to my FIL in the strictest sense. They are not related at all and neither are their parents or their ancestors in any way to my FIL or his family. My FIL knew their parents or them when he came to Bangalore from US more than 40 years back. They formed a friendship that has lasted from their generation to the next and has continued onwards.

And that is the interesting part. These five families are not FAMILY but sometimes more than that in the real sense. The families are a support system to him and his family over the years. The kids (my wife and sister-in-law) have grown up with this support system that has contributed a lot on their lives, in their values and in their upbringing. The families bond close together and have always been there for each other. This is the extended family that every family must have.

I am envious in a way of them. How many friendships convert into extended families in your life? How many friends can you call as your extended family who will do anything for you? Who will be available for you when you need them? And for whom you will do anything as well? The key is to have such a friendship that is reciprocatory in nature and you know you can back on. Many family friendships are one-way in the sense that either we feel special for the other family or they for us and it is not mutual. Very rarely do you come across family friends that have mutual affection.

Remember again that as a family you are bound together and so you love them and hate them but do compromises to get along with them. With your family there will be good times and bad times but because they are family you will invest to make it work.

With friendships that become an extended family, it requires a lot of trust, of affection, or respect, of work, of time and mostly of love of all the quirks and good things to make it work. You have to accept the friend in their good times and bad and they have to accept you. Your secrets are mutually known and your faults are mutually accepted. Your opinions are mutually respected and loved. You, like the other family, should be willing to make an effort if things do not go your way.

The key word is MUTUAL.

Its important to have this extended family as a support system. Sometimes this extended family supports you more or are closer and help you more than your actual family.

We (the Veluris) have two families that we call our extended family.

Do you have one?

Day 26 - Last Days & 10 Things

2009-08-28T10:09:00.004+05:30

Edward Kennedy died a few days back at 77 from Brain cancer. While everyone will speak volumes of him and how great he was - which he was....a reformer, a law maker, an influencer, a low key high impact senator and many more - NY Times did a great piece on his last days.

You can find it here - After Diagnosis, Determined to Make a ‘Good Ending’ - which talks about how Sen Ed Kennedy decided to live life after he was diagnosed with his disease and got to know the limited time frame that he has. It talks about how he stuck to his schedule, put his affairs in order and decided to pass the remaining days doing what he loved best. He spent it with his family and loved ones finally passing on a legacy that they will always remember.

I have always wondered at the mind of a person who gets to know that he/she has limited time to live. What goes through that person's mind? I am sure numerous books have been written explaining the various stages and how to cope with them. But then again you cannot feel all this till you are in the same shoes. And I hope and pray that you and me do not get to wear those shoes.

Movies like 'Anand' & 'Mili' have been made which showcase the happy-go-lucky attitude of a terminally ill person and how the person's acts affect everyone. But can someone really be like that? When the person knows that their time is very limited? I assume the attitude of a person to this news would differ based on the age and how the person has lived their life till then. An old person who has had a good life might look at this as an opportunity to do things that he/she did not do in their life. A young person, on the other hand, might get angry at the fact that they are not been given a chance to live their whole life. 'Kaash' is a great example of how a very young boy decides to cope with the news.

I've wondered what would I do if I heard a news like that? And I've never found a perfect answer. So I put a twist to that question in my mind and asked myself - 'What are the 10 things that you would like to do before you die?' That seemed like a reasonable question to answer. So here is my list of 10 things in no specific order or priority.

See my kids settled in life and happy.
Hear from my kids that they are proud of me.
Hear from my wife that I gave her a good life and she was happy to spend it with me.
Do some adventure sports like Bungee jumping, sky diving, zero gravity flight, deep sea diving.
Get to meet my idol - Amitabh Bachchan
Hear from my friends that they love me - one in particular. In whatever form of love that might be!
Get a tattoo.
Publish a book - novel or short stories.
Get to see space or do a space travel flight.
See humans settle on other worlds - Moon or Mars.

I am sure this list will change as time goes by and it'll be good to come back to it later.

What are your 10 things?

Day 25 - Boy into Man

2009-08-24T09:23:00.002+05:30

When does a Boy become a Man?

Numerous articles have been written on this subject and so many people have expressed their views. Do a google on 'Boy becomes Man' and it throws up 7,390,000 results in 0.16 seconds. Wow!

So why add my two-bits to this perennial question? Because I think I have a different perspective on this. (doesn't everybody?). Many have spoken about times when a boy comes up against a challenge and surmounts it or when a boy has his first girlfriend or when a boy moves out of the house and starts to live life on his own. When he starts taking responsibility for his actions. And these are all valid thoughts.

I believe that a boy will always remain a boy till he thinks that he has someone who he can go to for advice and help. Until such time that there is a figure in the family who has the perceived authority to take decisions or give advice or at whose chair the buck stops.......a boy will remain a boy. When taking a decision in your life do you inform your father or think about what he would say? Then you are still a boy. Do you 'blame' your father for some of the decision that got taken in your life? Even though at that time that is what you wanted? Then you are still a boy and believe me that is a good thing. Bearing the onus of all decisions is not such a great place to be in. As children we always tend to blame the bad decisions on our parents, especially our fathers, and take credit for all the good decisions. Sometimes not taking a decision on your behalf is also a decision that the father has to take. But he gets blamed for it.

There is a transition that happens when the tables start to tilt and you start to experience what it means to be in your father's shoes. What does it to mean to take decisions and give advice. What does it mean to bear the responsibility of your family coming to you for your views and thoughts on any aspect. That's when you start the process of becoming a man.

This is especially true, or more so, in the case of a first born son or the only son. Remember I am talking about a boy becoming a man - not a girl becoming a woman (which would a different blog altogether). In the case of a younger brother who has an elder brother to look up to, things will always be different. The younger son will always be a boy and be free of the responsibility of family decisions.

So when the transition begin? I believe it begins the day a son sees his father in an Intensive Care Unit of a hospital. The day he sees his father as a human and frail being, his transition to becoming a man begins on that day. He realises that this phase of his dad being a super human has passed and it is time for him to bear that mantle of responsibility. Psychologically he starts to prepare himself for that role. It also starts affecting the father sub-consciously wherein he starts to defer some decisions to his son to get him started on that path. That is the inflection point. Hopefully that day does not come soon in most son's lives but comes at a stage when the boy is ready to become a man.

Remember Godfather and the scene where Don Vito Corleone decides to pass on the mantle to his son Michael? It happens after the shoot out and him being in the hospital!

So my advice to all son's is to enjoy being a boy and pass on all decisions to your father till it is time to bear that responsibility because after that it will not be an easy life!

Day 24 - Friendships: Nurture or Nature?

2009-08-19T23:02:00.002+05:30

You cannot choose your family but you can choose your friends. I remember this line being told to me by my parents when I was young. It always implied that one must choose one's friends with care as your friends not only reflect your character but help shape your character as well.

While this is great advice I've always wondered if friendships need to be nurtured or are formed by chance, by luck and by nature. I haven't found a perfect answer for that.

I think the real answer lies somewhere in between nature and nurture. We don't go looking out for perfect friends or best friends. We come across multiple people in our lives but only a few of them turn out to be really good friends. People whom we love and people for whom we would do anything at any time. People whose moves and moods we can predict and people in front of whom we stand exposed and transparent with our emotions. These are the real friends.

But do we need to nurture these kind of friendships? Do we need to spend time and effort to make an acquaintance into a real friend? I think you do. A friendship, in my mind, is like a seed. You have to give it water, enough sunlight, sometimes a fertilizer and enough attention to make it bloom. But a friendship is also a two way street. It has to be a symbiotic relationship in that both the people involved must feel that they have gained from the relationship. A relationship that is based on only one person giving at all times and another only receiving is not friendship. And this give and take can be anything - it can be emotions, it can be love, it can be attention or it can be support. I believe that in a friendship there also needs to be a show of emotions i.e each party must be comfortable to show the other the value of that person in their lives.

A relationship cannot become a friendship if it is parasitic in nature. If a person does not get reciprocation of their emotions, then the friendship can never bloom into something amazing and lifelong. Then the 'friendship' is restricted to presence. It becomes a case of out-of-sight-out-of-mind and it can't really be called a friendship. It gets relegated to an acquaintance.

But the initial stage of this relationship is by chance, by luck. Of the many people you encounter in your life, there are but a few with whom you 'click', with whom you 'hit it off' the first time you meet. You feel comfortable in that person's presence and can talk and exchange ideas. This is the nature part. This is the luck part. You might meet that person again sometime and realise that your ideas and thoughts match to an extent or that you like to debate with the person and talk to the person. These are the many seeds that you sow in your garden of friendship. And you come across many such people.

The challenge post this is the nurture part where you start to focus on a few of these seeds and realise that you are getting the same response from that person as well. This then grows into a friendship that can become a crucial supporting factor in your life.

So the answer to forming a friendship is somewhere in between Nature and Nurture. It starts off with Nature but you need to Nurture it for it to become a deep and a meaningful friendship.

I can count at least 5 such friendships that I know reciprocate my feelings and 3 more that I hope they do!

What about you?

Day 23 - H1N1

2009-08-17T16:11:00.001+05:30

The H1N1 pandemic has everybody in its grip. Masks have become the order of the day and people are postponing visits to their favourite movies or tourist locations. If someone sneezes or coughs near you, you tend to move away from the person. If a family member as much as sniffles, you tend to ensure that there is enough medication for cold and you fix an appointment with the doctor immediately. If you doctor tells you that its a regular cold, you want to have a second opinion.

We are all scared! Is the panic valid? Should we closet ourselves in a room and decide not to come out till this blows over? Should we take inordinate precautions to ensure that we do not get a cold?

Why are we so scared by this simple flu?

I guess the answer lies in the nature of this illness. When a potential killer disease disguises itself into the most common ailment - one that happens to all of us multiple times a year - then we don't know how to react. How can we - as laymen - distinguish between the dreaded H1N1 and the simple cold / cough? At the same time the common flu is highly contagious by nature. Our kids get the common flu through other kids in school. How do you protect against that?

And therein lies the danger of H1N1. It disguises itself into a common flu, its highly contagious and its difficult to distinguish. A common flu variant that lasts for a longer time might have been OK. A common flu that needs higher dosage of medication might have been OK. But a common flu that kills is a one to fear.

Today we are running scared of a simple sniffle or a small cough. Where will this lead us? Will we become a world of masks? Will we be afraid of the simple cold? How long will we have to live in this fear? I think none of us have answers to that.

Will this fear improve our hygiene manners? Will the whole world start washing their hands and sneezing into their tissues? Will this effect a change like AIDS with disposable needles and barbers changing razors for every shave? Unfortunately, I don't see that happening.

I just hope that H1N1 does not mutate into something more dangerous.

Day 22 - Independence Day

2009-08-15T09:35:00.005+05:30

Its 15th August and its India's 62nd Independence Day today. On 15th August 1947, India won its independence from the British rule.

Over the last few days I have been racking my brains to answer a basic question - What does Independence Day mean to me? What does Freedom mean to me? What is the importance of this day in my life?

I've come up short on answering all these questions and still haven't found an answer for them.

I was born in a free country and have lived my life in a free country. Although sometimes it doesn't feel like that with the communal tensions and the constant news of 'freedom of expression' getting squashed at various times.

We call ourselves a free country but college kids are not allowed to wear the dress of their choice, caste discrimnation is rampant when Dalits are not allowed to enter temples, artists like M F Husain and many others cannot take creative liberties on our Gods and Goddesses, taboo subjects abound like pre-marital sex or teenage sex and people like Khusboo are prosecuted if they speak on the subjects, a little nudity on screen or magazine cover makes the artists face courts, politicians use language or location to incite people against 'immigrants' and God save you if you said anything against the reigning political figures like Bal Thackeray or Sonia Gandhi.

Are we really free or are we living in the shadow of all these repressive thoughts? Are we really free or do we just live life by walking a path to avoid these choices? Did we pass on the mantle from the Britishers to the moral police and politicians who pull our strings and make us dance to their tunes?

I wonder then why I should feel patriotic towards my country if I really live in fear and not free!

But I still do. I feel patriotic when terrorists attack my country, I feel patriotic when I hear my national anthem playing somewhere, I feel patriotic when I see movies like Lagaan, Lakshya and Rang De Bsanti and I feel patriotic when A R Rahman lifts the Oscar.

But really shouldn't I feel patriotic when I see India Gate and the Amar Jawan Jyoti rather than treating is as a tourist attraction? Shouldn't I feel patriotic when the soldier at Kargil dies protecting me and I see his coffin?

I am a confused man because I don't know if I live in a free country and I don't know what I feel for my country.

For me, unfortunately, Independence Day has been reduced to a holiday where I can sleep in late.

And that is sad! Something needs to be done to make me and the next generation feel proud of my country and to value my freedom!

Day 21 - Will I love my second child as much as my first child?

2009-08-14T09:54:00.003+05:30

Its a question that many parents think about subconsciously when they are expecting their second child. More true if there has been a fair gap (3-5 years or more) between the first child and the coming of the second child.

With your first child you have devoted your time, attention, love and affections completely on him/her. You have grown with the child and experienced the world for the first time through its eyes. You have learned new words and new ways of saying the same words with the first born. You have fallen in love all over again and the child is the center of your being. Even your spouse comes a far third to the child.

Now you are expecting a second child and while there is a happiness in the fact that your first born will have a sibling, there is also a constant question if you will love your second child as much as you did your first. You think that you have already experienced all the joys of parenthood in terms of showering affection, seeing new things and hearing new sounds through the first child. Will I be able to re-experience the same things again and have the same exhilaration when the second one does all this again?

I had that question! Ipsi was 4 when Ani was expecting again and while I was happy, I had this constant fear in my mind. I loved Ipsi to the core. Like all parents, I though she was the cutest, most beautiful and most smart child I had ever seen. I was worried if I would have the same strong feelings for my second child. I did not want to be a parent who distinguishes between the love for their two children. I did not want to be the one who loves the first born more than the second and tries hard to hide those feelings. And I was afraid.

To all those who go through the same feelings.........Relax!

The miracle of birth takes care of all that. The moment I laid eyes on my son, I knew that the cycle had started again. As the child grows older you experience the same feelings that you did the first time. In fact they are different than the first time. As everyone says (and we rarely believe it) each child is different from the next one. And that comes out so evidently when you have two children. The second child does things dramatically different from the first one and you experience the same fun, happiness, pride, joy and love for the second child.

My son does things that my daughter never did and vice-versa. Tarush climbs on audio speakers, tables, plays with cars, breaks things, wants to play with switches and so many things that Ipsi never did. Ipsi was silent, loved to play with her dolls and her fantasies, loved fairy tales and long hair. She still does actually.

The fun is that the two children bond with each other so well and that sight brings joy to your heart. More details in my other blog on Day 16

Today I can proudly say that my fear was unfounded and I love both my children very much. In fact because I am re-living the discovery phase with my son again, my first born might complain at times that I love my second born more than her!!!

Different Problem........different blog! :)

Day 20 - मन का हो तो अछा, मन का ना हो तो ज़्यादा अछा

2009-08-12T22:42:00.007+05:30

BigB believes in the phrase and says that its like the Bachchan family motto. It was passed on from his father to him and he has passed it on to his son Abhishek and daughter Shweta who in turn will pass it on to their children.

Its the Bachchan family motto and I think its a great one.

What you wished for with all your heart.....if it happens, its good; but what if it doesn't? Its even better. Because then its happening according to what God wished and He would never wish bad for you.

An extension of that would also be what our parents usually tell us when something bad happens to us. Don't worry about this small hiccup - God must have planned something better for you.

But I guess that's what life is about, isn't it? Hope! And that is why I really like the Bachchan family saying - मन का हो तो अछा, मन का ना हो तो ज़्यादा अछा

When our heart breaks in love and it does not happen according to what we wished for, we should pull ourselves together and know that He did not wish this for us and there is something better in the future. When we don't get the job that we aimed for or didn't crack the interview, its for the better because this one was not meant for us.

At the end of the day it all boils down to hope and faith. Faith that things will get better and time will heal the pain and the wounds. And it does. In hindsight we look back at things and smile that we felt pain at that moment. We move on and as time flies, life takes us along.

Hope makes the world go around.

And I guess thats what spirituality is about. As Indians we have immense faith in Him and His plans for us. We firmly believe that He does not wish ill for us and in the final analsis of life, it will all work out for the positive. After all if you don't experience pain, how will you know the value of happiness?

So next time things don't go according to plan, remember - मन का हो तो अछा, मन का ना हो तो ज़्यादा अछा!