What do I tell my daughter? And my sister?

A young, starry-eyed, ambitious girl was brutally gangraped by 6 people in a moving bus in Delhi and dumped on the ground. Over the last 10 days, Delhi has erupted with protests with students taking to the streets demanding justice; politicians have exposed their stupidity with constantly putting their foot in their mouth questioning the freedom that girls have, questioning the make-up that they put, mentioning that girls invite this on themselves and stating that girls are 'dented-and-painted'; a policeman lost his life battling the protests; government has clamped down on the protests turning Delhi into a fortress and the social media has gone beserk with demands of public hanging, public castrations and capital punishment for the rapists. Questions are being raised on how Indian men, administrators and politicians treat women, what our laws are and how we need to change the basic fabric of our values where we treat women as things to be owned. How we need to change the thinking at the basic level of a girl child and how we need to treat boys and girls as equal. Extremely brilliant articles on the right approach have been written by my close friend Sandeep Menon and some articles have been re-posted on other friend's facebook pages like this one.

This is not one of those write-ups. I do not know how to write eloquently and while I have an opinion on the subject like everyone else, this write-up is not about that. This write-up is about fear and insecurity and helplessness!

I got 'introduced' to the concept of rape when I was 8 years old when the movie 'Insaaf ka Tarazu' was released and movie magazines carried reams of articles about it. My mom was an avid reader and I picked up one of the magazines to find out what rape meant. While at that age I thought it meant a man and woman wrestling, with time I understood the horror of it and struggled to comprehend why a man would do something like that. What instinct drives a man to force himself on a woman and rape her? India has the dubious distinction of being the third worst offender in rape cases and a rape occures in India every 54 minutes! 25 women are raped every day in India and we have done nothing to protect them. We have made speeches and spoken about it when incidents occur but we have done nothing to protect our women or give them a feeling of safety. We have not changed our laws, we have not ensured that rape cases are dealt with in a speedy manner and we have not punished rapists in a manner consumerate with the crime. Neither have we sensitised our largely-male police force nor have we equipped them with more women who may understand this crime. In fact a sting operation by Tehelka revealed Police Officers saying that no rape can happen without the girl's consent! Some rapists have gone on to become politicians and some politicians have raped women with impunity and used the system to cover their tracks. Police work hand-in-glove with the rapists and today we had a case where a young woman comitted suicide because she was being constantly called to the police station and questioned about her rape.


As a father of a 10 year old girl and a brother of a single woman in Mumbai, I was scared when I read the first news of the gangrape and have been getting progressively more afraid as I've heard our politicians talk about the 'remedies' to this 'problem'.

Women should not go out late at night, women should not put make-up and lipstick, women should not dress provacatively, women should not wear jeans, women should not smoke and drink, women should not go to discotheques, women should not take private buses late at night, women should not do this and should not do that. What kind of a country and world are we creating when we cannot offer a simple basic right of safety to a human being? Does a woman have to be constantly on her guard from the moment she steps out from her house? And sometimes even in her own house? Does society need to dictate on how she talks and walks and moves and dresses and works? Who has given us the right to do this? The biggest hypocrisy stems from the fact that in Hinduism we pray to Godesses for wealth (Lakshmi), knowledge (Saraswati) and strength (Durga) and then go out and commit the most horrid crimes on women.

My sister stays alone in Mumbai, is independent and highly successful and goes out to parties, has some drinks and has a good time with friends. Should I tell her not do that? Should I tell her that she could be a potential target? As my daughter grows up, she may decide to wear short clothes for outings, wear jeans and tops, wear some make-up, go out to disco with friends and party with them. I may not like some of these things but these are her educated decisions to make - not mine and definitely not society's. Do I tell my daughter to avoid all these 'im-moral' things and stay at home? When she steps out of the house, do I now equip her with protection in form of a small knife, some pepper spray and some alarms? But why should I? Doesn't she have the right to walk the road free of fear?

When a close friend like Arundhati Ghosh puts up a status update that says - "I travel a lot and many days of the month I land up late at airports of cities I have come to love, cities with friends and memories, cities with sounds and smells that make me want to call it home. Today as I leave for yet another city I am worrying about what transport I should take from the airport to reach my hotel, is it judicious to land as late as 8 pm, should I keep a small pen knife in my bag but then I will have to check it in, when i get into the cab should I pretend to call people so that the driver thinks I have people who will worry about me if I dont land up in time, will I be able to do my general chit chat with the driver or should i just keep to myself and not talk too much.....yes ...I dont want to turn into a person I would loathe to be." - it makes me worry! This is a woman I respect tremendously and this statement from her makes me hang my head in shame.

I have been brought up by my parents to respect women and I think I've done that. I am bringing up my son with the same values that women are precious, strong beings that you should respect. I am bringing up my daughter with the thought that she is an equal and can do whatever she wants to and whatever a boy/man can do. There is no distinction! But are the other parents out there teaching their boys the same thing? Will my daughter find the respect and the safety that she needs, nay is entitled to, in the outside world?

I don't have answers for my daughter. And my sister? What do I tell them? What kind of a world and country is my daughter growing up into?

Security & Suspicion: A Mugging Story!

I had seen it in Hollywood movies. I had read it in newspapers and novels. And I had wondered what would happen if I faced the situation. Well, I no longer need to wonder.

I got mugged in the US of A!

Well, we got mugged - a close friend of mine and I. And this didn't happen in the late evening or night. Neither did it happen in a lonely downtown area where we should not have been at all.

At around 3 in the afternoon, my friend and I walked close to where the car was parked after a good walk and lunch at Fisherman's Wharf - the most happening and crowded place in San Francisco area. As we neared our car, my friend was on his phone talking to his wife. He had his Nikon D50 DSLR slung on his right shoulder and I was just behind him. The street between the two junctions was empty of poeple - a small lull on that otherwise busy street. At both the junctions there were people. Suddenly we saw this young black kid - about 15 yrs old, 5ft 2in maybe, wearing a black jacket and a black cap - grab the camera strap and yelling "Give me the camera. Give me the camera". For about 10 seconds both my friend and me wondered why he wanted the camera and I was about to ask him what he was doing. Then our eyes went down and we saw a grey semi-automatic gun in his hand. It was hidden at his waist but clearly visible. We both thought that maybe it was a fake gun but this being US of A, he opened up his arms and the kid grabbed the camera. My friend was still on his phone and the kid said "Give me your phone as well". My friend and me were absolutely blank and just stared at his face. We moved back a couple of steps and the kid just bolted with the camera shoving the gun into his jacket pocket.

My friend and I looked at each other and suddenly woke up from a trance. We were both wondering what happened a few seconds back and suddenly realised that we had been robbed. We had been mugged in broad daylight at a most busy place by a young black kid with a gun. We had had a gun pointed at us and had survived. We were shaken and completely disturbed. We started discussing how we knew the gun was a fake and how we could have overpowered the young kid. Then slowly reality sunk in and we realised that this was US of A where people have been shot for lesser things. This was a black kid with a gun with nothing to lose. He ran away with the camera but he could easily have shot one of us and ran away as well. No one would have stopped him then either. Could we or should we have taken a chance that this was not a real gun? Should we have wrestled with him and risk getting randomly shot by a young guy who was probably scared and trigger happy? If we had wrestled him were his other gang members around who would have come to his rescue? We realised we had done the right thing.

My friend then called 911 and within minutes a cop car was there. The cops took the description of the kid and the event, sent a despatch across to HQ which I assume went to all other cars nearby, gave us a case number and apologised to me when I told them that I was a visitor. But me and my friend were completely shaken.

I am now a suspicious man in the US. I am a worried man about my own security. When we were waiting for a cop car to get to us, I locked the car doors and was looking with suspicion at a young woman who was waiting near our car. The street was a but deserted again for a few seconds before the junction signals changed but I was suspicious. We just went to a movie theater to see if we could catch a movie. We had waited in a slightly deserted parking lot of a mall as he searched on his phone for a nearby theater where the tickets would be available. After a few minutes I saw two people walking and a few cars coming into the parking lot. I asked my friend to screw the movie and just start moving the car. I was paraniod wondering if those people walking the street or those cars at 1130pm were general folks or criminals.

This episode has left a bad taste in my mouth for USA. If we can get mugged in broad daylight with a gun then where are we safe in this country? If a gun is in the hands of a 15yr old kid whose sole intention is to rob then what safety are we talking about in the developed country of USA? Thankfully it was just my friend and I without his family. What if his kids were with us and this guy would have pointed a gun at my friend's kid?

I no longer feel secure in USA and unfortunately I will now view every black man and kid with suspicious eyes and set perception in my mind. This is the most unfortunate backlash of this experience.

Now I just want to go home to my 'safe' India. At least I won't get robbed at gun point on busy M.G.Road at 3 in the afternoon - however 'bad' my country may be!