Truth & Lies

I saw a great status update on a friend's facebook account the other day that got me thinking - "Hurt me with the truth; Never comfort me with a lie".

The irony of course is that many a times in our lives we do exactly the opposite - we comfort the people with a lie so that the truth may not hurt them. White Lies is what we call them. But are they necessary? Can we live a life with only the truth? Can anyone, irrespective of how 'saintly' they are?

White Lies are an essential part of our social lives. To live a happy life we do need the support of white lies - statements that are not actually lies but not the whole truth either. Even Yudhishtra, the righteous one from Mahabharata needed a support of a little while lie to vanquish the greatest warrior from the opposing camp - his guru Dronacharya. Does that make it valid for us? Not really but fact and life is stranger than any fiction ever written.

White Lies vary from the small innocent ones like telling your kid that the drawing is the best in the world to extreme ones in hiding the true nature of an illness from somone. Both these are meant to protect the person and make them feel that everything is OK with the world. We all face these situations and we all deal with them in our own way.

In the bigger picture, of course, its always better to tell the truth at the first instance. What hurts the most is when the white lie gets exposed and the person gets to know that the truth is hurtful at a later stage. Thet erodes trust but the hope is always that the white lie does not get exposed. Its also important to remember that just as you should never be lying all the time, one should never use white lies all the time either. Its not always good to be protecting someone if you know that he or she will get hurt at a later date. If you know that your best friend's girlfriend is having an affair on the side maybe its better to tell him now than later and glossing over a question from him - She loves me so much, doesn't she? - with a white lie.

Truth and Lies are two sides of the same coin. When you lie to someone you may be setting them up for a hurt at a later stage and when you tell the brutal truth it might hurt them now but they may come to realise the value of your statements later.

Life and Living is a strange dish. It has all the ingrediants to make a great feast. White Lies are like those big black pepper seeds which you can spread lightly in the dish to make it tasty but too much of it can spoil the dish outright. Used wisely White Lies can help you tide over a situation in the short terms but you will always need to balance it out with the truth in the long term.

I would refresh the starting statement as "Comfort me with a lie sometimes, but tell me the truth always"

Day 62 - The most successful marraiges are based on lies

I just read this quote recently and thought - Wow, this is like opening a can of worms. It's a perfect example of an absolutely un-political statement. Try making this statement at a party and see how you get lynched for it!!

Marriages are based on trust. The partners must trust each other, believe in each other and have faith on each other. Transparency is the key to earning the trust. When you share your thoughts, your feelings and your past with your partner, the relationship becomes stronger. A daily ritual for a successful marriage must involve sitting together at the end of the day and sharing information about the day. By involving your partner and investing that time in the relationship you will get to understand each other better and learn to love each other more. Truth, Trust, Transparency & Time are probably the four cornerstones of a successful marriage.


Really? A poster for marriage and all books probably talk the same lines as above. But how much of truth is there in these lines? Is complete and absolute truth and transparency a basic requirement of a long term successful marriage? After 11+ years of marriage I believe that most successful marriages are based on lies.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't mean the blatant lies where you are having an affair or are a closet murderer. No, I mean small white lies. Every relationship - and that includes the 'ultimate' one of marriage as well - is based on small white lies. White lies are the ones you say to make someone happy and those that don't hurt anyone outright.

If you don't like her mother coming to your house every few days, don't go and be transparent about it. Telling a small white lie there will only help the relationship. The answer to the question "Do I look fat in this?" can NEVER be a truth. A lie is needed and necessary to answer that question. If you are with your wife and happen to notice a beautiful buxom woman passing by and she catches you, a white lie is needed there - not the truth and transparency. There are many such situations where those four pillars - or three of them at least - are not the ones to follow. Reality does not go by the good sounding poster lines. Reality is always grey and lies somewhere in between.

We are intrinsically liars at heart, at least most of us are. We tend to be diplomatic when faced with situations that can potentially lead into fights. We tend not to like people who are outspoken and always tell the truth or call a spade a spade. So why should we be open, transparent and truthful in our most private and closest relationship? We all tend to lie in our marriages as well but the key is to what extent and on what topics or situations. A successful marriage is determined by that. Do we call our wife beautiful even when she is putting on a bit more weight? Do we tell her that we love her family even if there are some members we could strangle? Do we tell her we are stuck in a traffic jam when maybe this time we left the offive party a bit late? Just some of the white lies.

There are certain things best left untold and in our hearts rather than in the open. I am sure even today our parents have a few secrets that they have kept from each other. I believe that most successful marraiges are based on small harmless white lies.