Forgiveness!

I just got off watching an episode called 'Damage Control' on Grey's Anatomy which for me thinking on this whole concept of Forgiveness. In the episode a young man closes his eyes for a second while driving and rams into an oncoming car injuring the family. While the father, mother and husband survive, the pregnant daughter dies in surgery but the child survives. The young man wants to apologise to the family for causing the grief.

The most poignant moment of the episode is when the father walks into the room where the young man, himself injured is lying just when he has heard the news of his daughter's death. The young man says "I'm sorry" and the father walks angrily to the bedside with his hand moving towards the young man's throat only to place it on his shoulder who breaks down crying profusely.

To forgive, they say, is divine. Forgive and forget, they say. Forgiveing, they say, gives you peace. But does it really? If someone has done you immense harm and affected your life in an adverse way, can you really forgive and live? I know the other side of the fence - harboring that hatred in your heart eats away at the very essesnce of existence and erodes your being. But how difficult is it to forgive someone who has harmed you immensely. Moving beyond the philosphical musings of the gurus and the quotable quotes, How easy is it to forgive?

I think the ease of forgiveness depends on the magnitude of the hurt and/or the closeness of the relationship. In every relationship you expect a certain degree of trust and response. You expect the person to behave in a particular manner mostly conducive to your well being. A best friend is supposed to help you and stand by you, a parent is supposed to love you unconditionally and help you succeed, your office friend is not supposed to bitch about you behind your back, a spouse is supposed to stand with you and support you.

When these 'regular' responses do not happen you feel hurt and that hurt translates into anger which converts into a wish to do the same harm. How easily you can nip that hurt in the bud and forgive that person determines the future of that relationship. But the forgiveness also depends on the level of your perceived hurt and that makes the decision very personal. It is futile to 'advice' someone on what they should forgive and how easily. It is also an insult to compare your act of forgiveness in a similar situation and tell the person to do the same. The best you can do is empathise with the person and guide them to a proper path. To forgive or not is that person's prerogative. But I digress......

The perception of hurt plays a very important part in the forgiveness quotient. You can easily forgive your friend for going to a movie without you, may take some time to forgive the same friend if he happens to bitch about you behind your back and may take many many years to forgive the same friend if he hurts a close family member in an adverse manner. Take the same situation and you may forgive that friend easily if he hurt some far family member that you may not have liked that much but may never forgive him if he hurt your parent or sibling. The perception of hurt and the closeness of the relationship determines the ease of forgiveness. How easy would it be to forgive your spouse if they had a relationship out of you?


While I do largely agree that forgiveness is the best thing to do, I also think that no one has the ability to tell me how easy it should be for me unless they have faced the same situation.

I am sure you've forgiven a lot of people in your lives for small issues, maybe even some people for things that hurt you to some extent but I hope you and I never have to face a situation like the father in the episode. I am not sure how I would react to that kind of a situation. To me, that is almost like the ultimate forgiveness that you could give and it requires tremendous will power and ability to accept what life throws at you. I hope I never face that kind of a situation in my life!