Fear!

People who know me will say that I always try to push the envelope with my fears. I am a firm believer in the adage that if you face your fears, it will only make you grow stronger. There is in fact a poster on my office wall that says "Always do what you are afraid to do".

This adage has led me to do many things that normally I would have never done - Bungee Jumping, Sky Diving, Everest Base Camp Trek, Scary rides etc - and I am always on a lookout for the next big adventure to push the limit and overcome the fear.

All the above activities and my bravado are all limited to (what I now call) Physical Fear. A fear associated with bodily harm - I will get hurt if this adventure fails and goes the wrong way. I've learnt that this Physical Fear can be controlled by calming the mind, facing the fear and living the moment. A simple mental image of the fun and rush that you will feel during the experience and the pride that you will feel when you finish the adventure helps you to enjoy the adventure and overcome the fear. I've learnt that the key is to have an image of the completed adventure and aim towards that.

Over the last few days, however, I have come to realise that there is another kind of fear that is much stronger and much more difficult to overcome.

Events across the last few weeks have made me realise the power of Emotional Fear. The fear in your mind that is associated with the fear of loss.  Emotional Fear is the fear that is completely in your mind pertaining to events and issues that are completely out of your control and have no physical connotations. You cannot associate it with a physical way of overcoming it. A fear so deep seated that you don't want to imagine the end image or a fear associated with an end image so frightening that you don't want to face it. An image that you don't want to accept and a fear that it might come true. 

I'm struggling with this Emotional Fear over the last few weeks with a few major events that made me face the prospect of loss of a loved one. The emotional fear was also associated with the fear of inaction - if we didn't take any concrete action, then we could loose the loved one and not be remembered. An intense need to take action continuously while the reality might be to let things play itself out. We struggled with the 'inaction fear' recently and things worked out well for us. But the fear was always around the corner of what if it would not work out. I'm struggling with another one in that realm.

While I've come to realise that I have the ability to easily understand and overcome Physical Fear, the dragon of Emotional Fear scares me and I have yet to find a way to tame that dragon. Physical Fear is temporary and can be overcome in minutes. Emotional Fear needs a lot of time to overcome but giving it time only seems to make the dragon more powerful and all consuming.

How do you overcome Emotional Fear?

A Father's Tears!

Men don't cry! A man with tears is a sign of weakness and men are supposed to be strong.

Or at least that's what has been told to us and taught to us over last few centuries by everyone in every form of communication - be it verbal, through ads or books. This, of course, not withstanding the metrosexual man. As a kid our fathers were our ultimate heroes and we grew up on a visual of them never having a tear in their eye.

There are certain images that stay in your mind long after they have occurred. Images that tend to define your visual interpretation of life and serve as guide for you. One such image stays in my mind to this day.

My first year engineering vacation had just got over and I was headed back from Dehradun to Pune. I was all of 18 years old and embarking for the first time on a long train journey all alone. I was pretty excited and looking forward to it. In those days one had to take a train from Dehradun to Delhi and then changeover at Delhi for a train to Pune. My Dad accompanied me to Delhi. I boarded the train to Pune at the Delhi station and settled in. My Dad checked who the companions were and told them to take care of me much to my acute embarrassment. Hey, I could take care of myself. As the train pulled away from the station and I waved good bye with a smile, I saw him with tears in his eyes waving back. I kept wondering why he was crying! I expected that of my mother who is very emotional but why was my dad crying?

Today I understand what he was going through on that day. As I watch my daughter grow up fast and a few years away from college, I fear my emotions on the day I wave goodbye to her when she goes. I know I will be scared if she will be safe away from the care of her family. I know I will be afraid if she will find success in her new chapter of life. I know I will be sad that she is breaking away from her cocoon and finding her own path. I know I will wonder if she will be able to manage the emotional rollercoster coming her way without the hugs from her mom and me comforting her. I know I will worry that as she flies away from the nest if she will be able to soar in the sky on strong wings. I know I will be very proud of her as she steps out to find her own identity.

Today I know that my Dad was going through all those emotions as he waved goodbye. Today I wonder how he dealt with them as he took the long lonely train journey back from Delhi to Dehradun. Today I cherish and value the image of my father's tears because I know that in that moment he was showing all his love for me!

Thanks, Dad for letting me go my own way, for supporting me always, for letting me make my own mistakes and learn from them. I hope I can do the same for my kids.