Day 87 - Caste & Prejudice

So the Indian government has finally decided to include Caste as a section in the latest Census study. The people who come to take your information will also now ask you what caste you belong to and report accordingly. This is the first tine that it is being done after 1974, if I am not mistaken.

Opinions are divided over whether this is a good thing to do or not. Is finding out about what percentage of the 1 billion plus population of India is split by what castes good or bad? I guess only time will tell and we will probably be answering tis question best in hindsight. But let's employ a little foresight to it and try to predict what it will do to us. Or at least this is my blog so this I my opinion. Bear with me!

I have two intrinsic worries on this caste question. First and foremost is inherent DNA of 'jugaad' that is so Indian which when mixed with corruption and politics gives us a heady concoction of manipulation. Will the census study be fair and clean or I'll the various political parties and caste brackets try to influence the outcome in their favor? Will Mayawati try to ensure that the UP census shows that it is a state of OBC and Dalits so that she can stake a better claim to the legacy of the state in future elections? Will the other communities try to get the study to show that they are a minority or a major depending on what suits them?

And in a country that reeks of scandals everyday how do we ensure that the study is executed properly and is a correct representation of India? Will there be mass census of a village where the panchayat or the village head decides what caste the village belongs to maybe in exchange of some favors from a particular political party? I know I am being a skeptic but that is my main worry. Without the inclusion of caste this would have been a numbers game with no political party really interested to dig deeper. Which party in Indian politics has the foresight to find out how many youth are there and then pitch an appropriate message to the right target audience? The median age of our parliament is anyway higher than almost all other countries as compared to the median age of the population. Our country is young but we have all oldies running the government.

My other big worry is the perfection of the art of manipulation by our political parties. The government of India already says that the caste study could be used to determine the reservation policies of the future - not exactly in so many words - but the meaning is the same. After the census study is declared, will our politics change to match what the study shows about the backup? Will BJP suddenly start talking more for Jats and Dalits because the study might show that they are a formidable part of the population? Will the political parties start manipulating the results to show it in their favor or even change their idealogies to reflect what the study shows? Will be become more caste based politics as compared to more country and issue based?

But most important of all my worry is that we will become even more prejudiced as a nation. Yes,I said even more given that we already are a prejudiced nation. We have preconceived notions about everybody and we show that in our daily lives. We treat the vegetable vendor differently than the newspaper vendor or our driver v/s our maid or even the officer in our workplace as compared to the boy Ho brings us coffee. This caste study will make us even more prejudiced against some segments. We will start seeing people based on what percentage their community or caste constitutes our population. We will start treating the lesser percentage caste with more disdain and the larger percentage ones with more trepidation. Will we teach our children how to treat people based on these numbers? Will we worry about the future of our children based on these numbers?

I hope I am proven wrong. I hope that none of this will happen. And I hope ghat hindsight will prove me wrong. I hope that the caste card in the census will be used for the positive and not the negative. But Indian political history is not on our side.

Will the new young Indian treat this caste study in census as just another number or will try attach too much importance to something that should not matter?

Time will tell.........but it does worry me!

Day 85 - My Tattoo Journey

Ever since I start seeing 'LA Ink' on Discovery Travel & Living, I have been intrigued by tattoos or body art, as it is called. The artistry of the team in creating even ten toughest designs on to the person's body have enthralled me. It got me thinking of getting a tattoo done myself. This was over 18 months back.

Now I am no muscular, heavy set, macho kind of a guy. I'm a regular next door neighbor guy who goes about his business daily and has his regular life. So I am not sure where this need for a tattoo came from. Maybe it's the classic case of mid-life crisis as I touch 40 and need to prove to myself that I am still young. The mind is still set in college days sometimes but the life shows otherwise with kids, job and other responsibilities.

The other aspect to consider was of course the pain. On TV it seems so simple and painless when the guys get their tattoo done but hey it is after all pins and needles piercing your skin, leaving a trail of blood and definitely pain. The question was how bad would the pain be and would I be able to take it? Then my sister got a tattoo done followed by a close friend. And I though if they can bear the pain, I am sure so can I. I started discussing the fact that I wanted to get a tattoo done openly with my wife. After all I had to consider if she was OK with it.

I started my research and thought process on what would I like to get done. Considering that it was going to be permanent and irremovable, it better be something that I wanted to do. It also better be something that I would be comfortable to show off. And so the two key considerations came in - what and where. These two are interconnected and finally determine what you do. You could do a simple tattoo at an always open part of your body like wrist or ankle to show off. You could do a tattoo that means something at a place where you would rarely show it. Or you could do a sexy sensual tattoo at a private place that only some people would get to see. The permutations and combinations are aplenty. But the two considerations still stand - what and where.

I decided that my first tattoo, if I ever got to do any more, would have to be God Ganesha. I wanted to do a God and Lord Ganesha is the best way to start anything new. So the search for various God Ganesha tattoo designs started. While at the same time the decision of 'where' was being taken between the upper right hand or the lower right hand - the determination being ghat the upper would be shown only when I would be topless while the lower right hand would show my tattoo even when I wore half sleeve shirts or T shirts.

Once the 'what' and 'where' decisions were coming together, the next big one was 'who'. Since it is permanent and involves pain and body, you need to ensure that the artist is experienced, clean and trustworthy. The thing to note is not to go by the looks of the artist but by the workshop. I asked around and also checked with my friend who had got it done in Bangalore.

By mid year all these were coming together. Another friend of mine - Sowmya - also mentioned that she wanted to get a tattoo done too and I planned that we would get it done together. Now the only question was when would I get enough courage to see this through. Things came to head early this month when Sowmya told me that her friend had already fixed an appointment for them to get the tattoo done together. It was now or never for me too!

Ganesh Chaturthi was upon us and I though what better day to get a Ganesha tattoo done if not on ghat day. And so I landed at Pradeep Menon's Dark Arts Studio in Frazer town on Saturday, 11th Sep at 3.30 to get the needful. Its a small place but well known with helpful staff. I had decided what I wanted to get done but saw some more designs. I still liked the one that I had chosen. They took some time to get the stencil done and I had to wait as there were other customers before me. A guy had got his name with stars on his right hand. It was bleeding and I hoped mine wouldn't as much. A young girl came in to get an angel done and she was happy that it didn't hurt too much. And then it was my turn.

I stepped on to the work area and hoped that I would be able to take the pain and not make a fool of myself, especially after the young girl had taken it all so well. Satish was the artist doing my tattoo - a beautiful combination of the ever-present Hindu symbol of OM with the God Ganesha in it on my upper right hand. It was for me, not to show off to people. As he took hold of my hand and the needle I braced myself. The time has come. He made the first line and asked me if I was ok and if he could proceed. I was a little surprised because it didn't hurt much at all. Just felt like someone has pricked my skin lightly. This was not that bad. I said OK and the journey began. Frankly it wasn't bad at all. It didn't jut as much as I thought it would. I was playing games on my cell, SMS-ing my wife but clearly not looking at him doing my tattoo. My head was turned away. I realized that it doesn't pain too much when they do the outline. A bit more when they shade and colour.

Two hours later it was done. I was a proud 'owner' of a tattoo that I loved and had joined the ranks of people with body art. I love my tattoo and may even go back for some more.

For all the first timers, remember a few golden rules:
WHAT: Know clearly what you want to get done. Do your research and decide what you want to do before you land up at the studio. Or at least have a clear idea.
WHERE: As important. Don't get your first tattoo on the bone. Hurts a lot. Get your first on a more fleshy part. And why you want it the. What is your motivation.
WHO: This is very important. Ask around. Do your research. Go to the studio. See the workstation. Be comfortable with what you see. Trust the artist.
WHEN: Only when you are mentally ready. Always do it when you think you want to do it. Not because someone else is doing it and they are forcing you to get one too.

Remember it's permanent so spare a little thought and then take the plunge. I did and I'm almost 40!

Truth & Lies

I saw a great status update on a friend's facebook account the other day that got me thinking - "Hurt me with the truth; Never comfort me with a lie".

The irony of course is that many a times in our lives we do exactly the opposite - we comfort the people with a lie so that the truth may not hurt them. White Lies is what we call them. But are they necessary? Can we live a life with only the truth? Can anyone, irrespective of how 'saintly' they are?

White Lies are an essential part of our social lives. To live a happy life we do need the support of white lies - statements that are not actually lies but not the whole truth either. Even Yudhishtra, the righteous one from Mahabharata needed a support of a little while lie to vanquish the greatest warrior from the opposing camp - his guru Dronacharya. Does that make it valid for us? Not really but fact and life is stranger than any fiction ever written.

White Lies vary from the small innocent ones like telling your kid that the drawing is the best in the world to extreme ones in hiding the true nature of an illness from somone. Both these are meant to protect the person and make them feel that everything is OK with the world. We all face these situations and we all deal with them in our own way.

In the bigger picture, of course, its always better to tell the truth at the first instance. What hurts the most is when the white lie gets exposed and the person gets to know that the truth is hurtful at a later stage. Thet erodes trust but the hope is always that the white lie does not get exposed. Its also important to remember that just as you should never be lying all the time, one should never use white lies all the time either. Its not always good to be protecting someone if you know that he or she will get hurt at a later date. If you know that your best friend's girlfriend is having an affair on the side maybe its better to tell him now than later and glossing over a question from him - She loves me so much, doesn't she? - with a white lie.

Truth and Lies are two sides of the same coin. When you lie to someone you may be setting them up for a hurt at a later stage and when you tell the brutal truth it might hurt them now but they may come to realise the value of your statements later.

Life and Living is a strange dish. It has all the ingrediants to make a great feast. White Lies are like those big black pepper seeds which you can spread lightly in the dish to make it tasty but too much of it can spoil the dish outright. Used wisely White Lies can help you tide over a situation in the short terms but you will always need to balance it out with the truth in the long term.

I would refresh the starting statement as "Comfort me with a lie sometimes, but tell me the truth always"

Day 83 - Yes Man

Jim Carrey's 'Yes Man' is an interesting movie with a premise that unless you say Yes to EVERY thing in life you are not living life. You are closing yourself to multiple life opportunities and never exposing yourself to the experiences that you might have with a YES!

Of course as the movie progresses it does end with a concept that you first start saying Yes to everything so that you open up but then you say Yes only if you want to.

But on a more serious note I tried to think how much of this is true. Do we say No to a lot of hinges in life without realizing what it can open up to us? I have friends on both sides of this equation. Friends who say No to a lot of things because they think that they cannot cope up with it or that the thought of the experience frightens them and they are sure that they cannot do it or don't want to do it. On the other side are people who have taught me that unless you say Yes sometimes how do you know what is in store for you?

I try to live with the second philosophy. Say Yes to somethings sometimes. Weigh the odds but be open to saying Yes. I try to tell people around me the same and I recently had an experience of that. We were in Singapore having a family vacation. At the Universal studios Shrek roller coster ride, my 8 year old daughter refused to get on the ride. I tried to explain to her that unless she experiences it once and says Yes to it how will she know if she likes it or not? She was adamant that she will not like the experience. After much persuasion she got on to the ride. She had such a great experience that she got on to every single roller coster ride after that and had a great time. The same vacation saw my 60 year old Mom getting afraid of the Luge ride in Santosa Island. Same explanation and she did the ride. The result? She had such a great time that when we got out there was another family where the elder lady was getting scared to get on. My mother talked to her and told her that she should try it!

Unless you say Yes, how will you know whether you will like it or not? Unless you experience it first hand, how do you know what YOUR choices are? It applies to all things in life - jobs, parenthood, adventure sports, food, love, relationships - everything. Make your own informed choices. Don't depend on someone else to take that decision for you. Say Yes to an option and make your own mistakes.

It could be a job that you have been offered but don't know if you should take. It could be the girl that you like but don't know if you should ask. It could be 'goose feet' or 'mini octopus' in front of you but you don't know if you should taste. Yes, I have tasted Goose Feet and Mini Octopus they are not bad. I have told a girl that I liked her a lot when she was out of my league and months later I married her! I'm very scared of the reverse bungee in Clarke Quay in Singapore but when I get a chance I will try it!

The idea is to make your own decisions but be open to saying Yes to a lot of things. I'm not saying say YES to every and anything that comes your way but be open to saying Yes. Say Yes to taking a huge python around you. My daughter did and now she has a story to tell her friends. The exhilaration that you will experience when you say Yes to something but maybe still make a mistake will stay with you for your life. That life lesson will stay on as it was your experience not what someone else told you!

Let's resolve to say Yes sometimes to things that we think we may not be able to do or are scared to do!

Live Life!

Day 82 - Image

I was watching a John Travolta movie on the flight back from Singapore to Bangalore - From Paris with Love - in which Travolta was his usual self - a cocky, no nonsense, rebellious, stylish undercover cop blasting his way through a slew of terrorists with guns blazing and a cigarette dangling from his lower lip while his partner cowers in fright.

What an image!

And then I realised that this is how one thinks of John Travolta. Think back and you realise that the movies you loved him in were exactly in this image - Broken Arrow, Pulp Fiction, Swordfish, Get Shorty etc - are all about him being suave and sophisticated. He did try to do a 'Hairspray' but its difficult to imagine him like that now. Or Robin Williams is always funny.

Closer home we associate strict image perceptions for our actors and actresses as well. SRK is the lover boy and good man, Salman Khan is stylish, Aamir Khan is intense and so on and so forth. Its difficult for our actors to break out of their images and they find success with movies when they align themselves to the public perception of their image.

This got me thinking. Do we do this in our daily lives as well? Do we form images in our minds of friends, colleagues and then stick to those perceptions? "Oh don't give any work to him, he never completes things on time" or "You need to tell her a time that's way in advance of the actual meeting time coz she's always late" or "He's a nerd or a geek" and so on.

When the image perception assumption creeps into our daily lives it creates problems. We start assuming the decisions that the person will make. We start thinking about what the person may say and take that as a definitive answer without even asking them about it. "Don't ask him to work late. He never does". "Don't ask him to contribute money for the birthday gift. He won't do it" or even the other extreme "Let's tell him that everyone has given x coz he always gives 2x" and many such situations. We start making assumptions for others and that is always a dangerous situation.

This implies from generalistic assumptions about race, nationality, caste etc to even small ones about our family members, our work colleagues and our friends.

We are all human so we are all bound to form our opinions about people. What we need to guard against is that the image-perception does not color all our interactions with the person. We do not assume the decisions for that person and don't form hard-wired perception in our mind. Be open to the fact that each decision that a person takes could have a story or a reason behind it. Yes, sometimes even multiple similar ones.

Be open, be liberal.....it will help in the long run!

Day 81 - Be Stupid!

Its taken me over 2 months to come back to my blog. A lot of things happened in these two months that have kept me away from this blog although I have been active on my book review blog. In these two months there just did not seem to be a topic that I felt connected to till I saw the ad in the picture from Diesel.

Stupid - The word itself denotes being dull, slow and lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind. How many times have you done something and your parents or friends have turned around and said 'Stupid' in a derogatory manner? In our mental makeup being called Stupid is a big insult. All our lives we try to avoid being called Stupid and aspire to be categorised as Smart. We aim for that word.

We are all guilty of calling our kids stupid when they jump into a puddle of water on the road - Don't be stupid, you'll spoil your clothes. We are guilty of telling our friends - Don't be stupid - when they fall in love with someone that we think may not be right for them.

Don't think with your heart, think with your head is a constant refrain to us. We are told that Smart people take informed decisions. They think with their brains and evaluate all options before taking a decision. If we decide to go with our gut feeling and instinct its called a Stupid decision that everyone promises will come back to haunt us at a later date.

But I say that its great to be stupid. There are some decisions that must be taken with the heart and not with the head. Love is one such thing, standing by friends and family is another, buying something you like is one more even though sometimes you may not really need it. But more importantly being stupid or taking decisions that go with your instinct open up immense possibilities to you. These decisions open up doors and experiences that you may have never had or dared to think of. When you fall in love with someone not from your caste, culture, religion, language or any other demographic your head (smart) says to divest in that relationship because it will not go anywhere but your heart (stupid) says to go with the experience. Who knows it may work out and if it doesn't you had the most wonderful memories. Trust me, I speak from experience.

In professional life too there are times when you will be faced with a smart or a stupid decision, a fight of head over heart. Should you take this job or not? Your friends will tell you that you are being stupid to let it go but your heart is telling you that its not the right decision. What you decide then will determine the future. In hindsight some instinct decisions do turn out to be wrong but then frankly so do some informed decisions. I have always found that there's more fun in taking an instinctive decision and going through the experience rather than taking an informed one and doing what's expected.

Its important to have a balanced decision scorecard over your lifetime. The Rational decisions taken from your heart pertain more to your professional life sometimes while the Emotional ones taken from the heart and almost always personal. But sometimes it helps to turn things around as well. Most creative people will vouch for the fact that their outputs are based on what they feel will appeal to them and their viewers - not what they think. Look back and analyse the ads that you liked. I promise that 80% or even more will be the ones that tugged at your heart, at the emotional core.

In professional life too be brave to take emotional decisions when it comes to people. There will be times when you will have to give a little more leeway to some employee because your instinct tells you that its the right thing to do. Be stupid and go with that instinct. In the long run it works out for the better.

After all Someone once said “If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything.”

So go out and take a Stupid decision today. Live life. Think from your heart for a change.

Be Stupid!

Day 80 - Three Heroes

23rd March 1931 - tell that date to the Indian public and say that it is a significant date in the Indian freedom struggle and I can guarantee you that 99.9% of the Indian population would not be able to say why. At the same time mention 2nd October or 14th November or event 31st January and there will be a significant portion that will get it right.

Why is that? Why have we or our government over the years made Gods out of Mahatma Gandhi and Jawaharlal Nehru but have forgotten other freedom fighters? Why is it that we do not remember Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel or Maulana Azad ? Is it because human nature makes heroes out of a few and forgets the character artists? The do-ers of the plan?

Any freedom struggle in the world has always been fought on two separate paths - one of violence and aggression and the other on restraint, dialogue and non-violence. The easiest path to take is that of aggression - an eye for an eye - to show your strength to the enemy and mercilessly beat him down into submission. Gandhi showed India, and the world, that there is another path that one can take and succeed. Gandhiji's way got India its independence and maybe that is the reason we celebrate him as our leader.

But there was another battle being fought along the sidelines - the battle of aggression and revenge - being fought by the Hindustan Republican Association or better known by its leader Bhagat Singh. Bhagat Singh energised the youth with his fiery ideas and got many a youth to fight for our freedom. His revolutionary ways irked the British Government and created a plausible danger for them that the Indian freedom struggle might become a violent one as compared to the easy non-violent one that Gandhi was suggesting. Bhagat Singh and his compatriots were the only ones who asked for and sought revenge for Lala Lajpat Rai's murder and the Jalianwala Bagh massacre. To the Britishers he was a terrorist but to us he was a freedom fighter.

So why have we forgotten heroes like Bhagat Singh and his ilk? Are we embarrassed about their revolutionary ways in our history of non-violence and ahimsa? Do we want to put them in the shadows of our history and forget them? Why don't we wish to remember that people like him readily accepted death so that many youth could get energised and fight for our freedom? It is important that we do not belittle the acts and the path of Bhagat Singh. That was one more way to seek independence. Is it the right way? Who are we to tell? But did many youth join the freedom struggle because of him?I'm sure they did.

23rd March 2011 will be the 80th anniversary of the hanging of Bhagat Singh, Shivaram Rajguru & Sukhdev Thapar - three heroes who stood up to the British and showed us a different way. Maybe we should petition the government to declare 23rd March as Heroes Day.

Day 79 - Technology & Personlisation

I celebrated my birthday a few days back. One more year of life and one more year of experiences.

It always feels great when people wish you on your birthday. This is one day when friends and family try to make it a special day for you and it always feels good to revel in it. Over the last couple of years though there has been a subtle change in the way that wishes have come my way on this day. While earlier it used to be a lot of cards delivered by the postman, today its more about wishes on facebook profile page, sms-es on the cell phone, calls from people and visits to the house by some.

As I looked at all this on my birthday I realised that technology has pushed the boundaries of access and it is up to oneself to take it in whichever way you want. What do I mean by that?

At one end of the spectrum I can feel sad that I no longer receive those birthday cards from family and friends. I loved receiving them and I still have some of them from 10 years back. Those were special moments as your friend or family sent you a card and you waited to receive it. You waited for them and enjoyed the moment of ripping open the envelope. Some cards were funny, some emotional and some with nice messages. As I got those cards, I would feel the importance that the person attached to me. They would gone to a shop, looked at many cards before selecting one, taken the pain to write the message, put it in an envelope, put a stamp on it and posted it. It was a process of connecting with the person at the other end and a small gesture to make you understand how special you were. You could also know how important you were to whom when the person sent the card. You attached a special value to receiving birthday wishes from these people and felt sad if you didn't receive a card one year for whatever reason. It was personal!

At the other end of the spectrum is today's world where you receive hundreds of messages on your facebook or Orkut profile page and many sms-es on your phone on the day of your birthday. A lot these wishes, however, are people who are wishing you for the sake of wishing you with no personal interest in the same. Oh, it's his birthday,let me just send a wish and be done with. I am guilty of that too. But technology has given us the ability to keep in touch with people that we would normally have not. I receive wishes from my college, school and work people who normally would have never known my birthday or wished me. Its a good way to keep in touch with them. But I think the personalisation is gone.

So does this whole technology thing destroy personal touch?

I think not. I think the definition of personalisation changes with changing times. In today's world a personal touch is something different. While earlier it would mean taking the effort to select and send a card, in today's world you need to look at it differently. In today's technology conscious world there are levels. Let's assume a scale of 1 to 5 of personalisation with 1 being least personal and hence least effort and 5 being the most and hence very close.

1. People who wish you on your profile page are ones who want to be in touch and use the benefit of technology to wish you on your special day.
2. People who sms you exhibit a slightly more degree of being personal with you - they know your number and have taken the effort to wish you through that technology
3. People who call you are those who value you more and have taken a larger effort to actually spend the time and effort to engage with you on your special day and wish you. They may be at a far away place or separated by time and distance but they call you nevertheless. They would want to be at '4' but cannot due to geographical or some other reason.
4. People who visit you on your birthday and party with you or spend time with you exhibit just how much they value you. They have taken the effort not to hind behind the technology mask or use the tools but to actually come and visit you on your birthday or some day near your birthday.
5. People who give you gifts or make special gifts for you are the most personal ones or those who consider you as most close to them. They have not only taken the effort to come but also, like in old days, actually spent time thinking about you and what would make you happy. Hold these people close to you and value them a lot.
   

In this technology hungry and avid world its the 3's, 4's and the 5's who you should value the most and tell them that you value and appreciate what they do for you.

That is personalisation in the technology world!

How many do you have in these categories?

Day 78 - Hindu death rites and Women!

Hindus believe in re-incarnation and living the cycle of life and death till we attain moksha. Hindus are cremated on their death and it is believed that cremation helps the soul escape quickly from the body.

While there are rituals involved in 'Antim Sanskar' the key part of all this is that the ceremony is done by the 'man' of the house. If the family does not have a son, its the son-in-law or the closest male relative. I am sure there is a reason for that somewhere in our Hindu tradition. One, I believe, is that the son is responsible for opening the gates of heaven for the parents when he performs their funeral rites saving them from the hell of Punamma where people without sons are believed to go.Thereafter he performs the 'shraddha' ceremony at regular intervals to ensure their well being in heaven.

The question I have always wanted to ask is why are women not allowed to do the last ceremonies? If a family has only girl children then why are they not allowed to say their final good byes and ensure their parents journey into heaven? What should some unconnected man do these ceremonies? A man who has not lived with this person, who has not shared their joys, who has not supported them in times of sadness, who has no clue about the person in an intimate manner is supposed to ensure that the Gods allow the person into heaven by doing the last rites? C'mon....you've got to be kidding me! When the final journey has to be undertaken who better to ask for permission from God and promise to upkeep the parent's last wishes than the child of the parent? So what if the child is a girl!!

On the tenth day ceremony a pinda (rice ball) is offered to crows who are considered messenger birds of Yama, the God of death. The idea is that if the crows accept and eat the rice ball, then the dead person has entered heaven. If the crows do not then there is some last wish that still needs to be fulfilled and the person doing the ceremony commits to upholding or fulfilling such wishes that he thinks the dead person might be holding on to. Its really a trail and error thing till the crows eat the pinda. Now imagine this ceremony being done by a 'man' who is unconnected to the family! How will he know what the dead person - the parent - is holding on to as his last wish! So why should an unconnected man do these ceremonies? Should this be the prerogative of the child of the family? So what if the child is girl!!

Tradition is the word given to this rite. But traditions are broken right? The Sati tradition, the widow re-marriage tradition?

For me this issue will come up when my one of my in-laws pass away. They have two daughters.So Will it fall on me or my brother-in-law to do the last rites? For whatever length they live, between my bro-in-law and me we would still know them for a small percentage of their life time. Who are we to help them on their last journey?

The prerogative and the right is for the children who have been with them their whole lives. Who have learnt from them. Who have idolised them. Who have loved them and fought with them. Who respect them. I think the daughters should do it. Its their prerogative, their father or mother, their family, their parent's last journey and their last request from the Gods to keep them safe.

But will 'samaj' and so called family friends allow it? But most important would the girl children of the family stand up and demand it?

On this women's day, I think its time that the women stood together to break this tradition as well!

Day 77 - Would you stand by me?

Ruchika Girhotra's case has hogged the limelight for some time now and rightly so. Abuse of power was always a known thing in India but this case brought to light the horror that a family has to endure when they rub someone in power the wrong way. From the girl giving up her life to a continuous harassment spanning more than 19 years the plight of the Girhotra family sends shivers down my spine.

NDTV recently did their 'Indian of the Year' award and one of the recipients was Aradhana Gupta as an 'Extraordinary Indian'. If you are searching for an example of a perfect friend then I think you don't need to look any further. Here is a lady who has stood by her friendship for over two decades and fought for justice for her friend. For 19 years people.

Go back 19 years in your life and see if you had a 'good' friend at that time. Are you in touch with that friend? Do you still talk to each other? Would you run to his or her defence if they were in trouble? Would you lend them money or welcome them to your house? Answer these questions from two perspectives - if you have had a long distance friendship with that person sporadically for 19 years and if you have never seen that person for 19 years but you were best friends all that while back. Can you do that exercise?

And now we realise the extraordinary strength, resolve and commitment that Aradhana Prakash nee Gupta has shown for her friend Ruchika Girhotra. And have no doubts that she is extraordinary.

As normal human beings we tend to forget promises that we make to living people a few years back. Keeping promises over decades and lifetimes are only the stuff of movies. After all the movie gets over in 3 hours and neither are we shown the struggles nor do the actors have to endure it. But Aradhana did....for 19 years she carried - and still carries - the flame of her friendship and commitment to Ruchika. Across marriage, across continents, across time she has fought for justice for her friend. How many of us will actually stand by a friend who doesn't exist anymore? It is so much easier to give up the fight and call it someone else's rather than continue on that path. There must have been countless times when Aradhana must have thought that its easier to continue her life without thinking about what happened to Ruchika or fighting for her - when she got married and started a new life or when she went to a new country or when she had a baby but she did not and therein lies her extra-ordinariness. Remember she was not in the spotlight all this while. She did not expect it, she did not ask for it, she only fought for her friend.

Its natural for the flame of a fight or passion for justice to die away in a few years especially when the visual of your broken friend is not in front of you - its just her picture. But Aradhana's did not. What kept her motivated? What kept her focussed on her goal? I guess the answer only she knows.

If Ruchika ever asked Aradhana the question during her tough times - Will you stand by me? - I think the answer is for the whole to India to see now. For that my salute and humble bow goes more to Aradhana than to Ruchika in this case.

Friendships should have a new benchmark now. Do you have a 'Aradhana' in your circle of friends?

Day 76 - Are we really Thankful?

I was watching a program called 'Lift Kara De' a few hours back and saw something that got me thinking. First the program - its an interesting take on fan following of celebrities. As we know in India film is HUGE business and film stars are big celebrities with maniacal fan following. This program tries to identify the biggest fan for a particular star, narrows hundreds of applicants down to three, gives them a task and the winner of that gets to meet his/her celebrity. Pretty normal till now.

The twist comes in that for each celebrity the program also identifies a family in dire need of money. The amount of money that the fan earns in performing the task is multiplied by a factor of a few thousands to arrive at an amount that the celebrity hands over to this family in dire need. Thereby the program 'Life Kara De' i.e the celebrity and the fan lift the life of the family to a different height.

So what has all that got to do with this post?

On the episode that I was watching they showed a family of 5 - parents and 3 kids - living in poverty with mega problems. The father is a horse cart driver earning approx Rs 1000 a month. The mother was diagnosed with a tumor in her lower spine and is unable to walk. The youngest kid has a physical deformity, the middle child is just 6 years old but has become like a mother to the family while the eldest is a 11 year old boy who needs to work to support the family. The father is helpless even though he wants to send his kids to school. The family has stopped treatment for the mother since they don't even have money for food. The parents go hungry sometimes so that they can feed the kids. The father says he wants to cry when he sees his kids but who can he go to to cry and the mother says that she sometimes feels like taking all the kids and committing suicide. There are so many families like this in India.

As I watched this I looked around and wondered if I was thankful enough for what I had? I had no physical deformities that hampered my growth. I had a safe and secure childhood growing up. I got my complete education and my parents saw to it that I never felt a lack of money and had no responsibilities growing up. I got a good job and was able to earn fair amount of money. I have not had, by the Grace of God, to face a situation where making ends meet was an issue. My family's health is good. I have the ability to take care of my children right now. And my loved ones are around me.

Do I realise how lucky I am to have all this? I think in our daily lives and our own small problems we forget about the gift that we have been give. We take the fact that we can walk, talk, hear, see, run and use our hands for granted. We take the gift of our work and security of our earnings for granted. We take the presence of our loved ones and friends for granted. We take the food on our plate for granted. We watch a program like this, feel bad for them, happy for us and go back to taking things for granted the next minute.

I think its time we woke up to the fact that we are lucky and be thankful for all that we have.

On a separate note, the program and BigB combined to give the above family Rs 10 Lacs so that their worries may go away and they may live a happy life!

Be Thankful, people, that we do not need help like this! Be Thankful!

Day 75 - A Day for Everything

It was Valentine's Day on 14th Feb (obviously) and the whole world was agog with celebration. Newspapers, TV media, Flower shops, Gift shops, online shops and everyone else wanted a slice of this pie. Of course in addition to this were also the necessary 'evils' of organisations crying themselves hoarse that this is not our tradition, that we should not be celebrating this and that they would get any couples seen together on this day, married.

To find out what 'days' were coming up I did a quick search and realised that there is a day for Fathers, Mothers, In-Laws, Daughters, Friends, Bosses, Women and I'm sure many many more. It just takes one genius to come up with a day dedicated to someone and for the gifting and cards industry to popularise it and take it global. And then of course people or 'suckers' to like it, celebrate it and make a big thing out of it. Why do some people go all out to celebrate such 'days' while some others berate it and oppose it?

A strong faction of people are on the side that such 'days' are basically a consumerisation drive by large organisations to ensure that the people are buying some gifts or cards and running the industry. They claim that we really don't need such 'days' as we show our love everyday for the said people. A famous point is always made that we love our parents and siblings on a daily basis and hence don't really need a day to pronounce our love for them and definitely don't need cards, gifts and materialistic items to tell them that. BigB goes on record to say that he doesn't believe in stuff like Fathers Day and Mothers day because he loves them unconditionally and doesn't need a specific day to say that.

I beg to differ. I think we get caught up in our daily lives to such an extent that we usually forget to give credit to important people in our lives. Humans have a tendency of taking things for granted. Things that exist around us in perpetuity tend to be taken for granted by us. This includes friends, parents and siblings as well. We fight, shout, bicker and argue with them on a daily basis as part of our lives and assume that what we want they should do - in other words - we start expecting certain things and take them for granted. Very rarely do we tell them that we love them and that they matter to us. That under all the bickering and fighting is extreme love that we have for them.

As normal people we would probably not get an Oscar or a Grammy or a Filmfare award where we can pronounce our love for our family in front of millions of viewers. And that is why these 'days' are important. They remind us that in our daily lives we should take out some time to tell them that we love them and that they matter to us. While we get an opportunity to do that for our children and siblings on their birthday and our spouses on our anniversaries, it is the parents that we tend to leave out and in some cases our in-laws as well.

I am a firm believer in Father's and Mother's Day and that we need these days to tell them how much they matter to us.

On a lighter note, how about 'Maids Day'? :)

Day 74 - Death

Quite a morbid word to write a post on, isn't it? But the fact of death hit home in a different manner today. One of my closest friend's mother-in-law passed away last evening after a prolonged struggle. I was speaking to him a few days back on the topic and we started discussing about what is the best way to die. Death, after all, is the only certainity of life. Do what you may, the end result is defined and constant.

I've been fortunate not to see death at close quarters till now. My grandfather passed away a few years back and Gina passed away last year. The two were in absolute contrast to each other. My grandfather died in his sleep. He went to sleep one night and never woke up. He was old and had lived his life. Gina, on the other hand, died suddenly and has left a gap which is difficult to understand or fill. There was so much that she still had to accomplish.

What is more difficult or easy? Knowing when you are going to die or just passing away suddenly? After all from your perspective you are here one moment and not there the next. Should one think about oneself and be selfish or should one think about others when you dwell on this topic? Of course the discussion really is futile because you cannot control when Lord Yama or the Grim Reaper will come for you. But humor me!

I've always envied and loved the manner of my grandfather's passing. He went away peacefully and at the end of a fruitful life. I have often wondered if I could be so lucky when my time comes. Death after a prolonged struggle with disease saps you and your family of energy. The affected person wishes to pass away but life is something that you cannot give up easily even if its in pain. The final journey affects everyone but at the same time one does get to say one's good-byes, set things in order and thank your loved ones. One also gets time to do the things that one wanted to in life - the bucket list. But can these cancel out the suffering of the loved ones as they see you, bear you and comfort you in pain?

On the other hand a sudden passing is a blessing for oneself (I guess). No suffering, hopefully no pain. But it also leaves one's dreams and wished unfulfilled. One does not get to say goodbyes and tell the loved ones. One leaves an unexplained gap in the hearts and lives of the loved ones remaining behind. And the question that gets asked to God - Why? - has no answer. The loved ones remaining behind have to deal with that question and the gap for the rest of their lives. The sudden passing away of Ranjan Das, stories of how a relative went to play tennis or came back after a walk or went to the bathroom and passed away are related by people as lucky chances but always with a tinge of sadness that it was too sudden. Can the pain of the loved ones left behind balance the sudden passing away of the person?

Very difficult to answer or think about. I think my grandfather was lucky in that he lived his life, said his good byes across the later stage of his life and passed away peacefully. He must have done some good things in this or a previous life to be so lucky.

I wonder sometimes if I will be! Will you be?

Day 73 - Money or Recognition

'Work is worship'; 'My hobby and my passion has become my job. How lucky can I get?' or 'I love what I do' - statements like these are not true for all of us. For almost 95% of us our work is a means to an end - a way to make sure that the home fires are burning and that we are making a decent living for ourselves and our families.

So what motivates us to keep working? To keep doing the same job in the same company or same job in a different company or maybe a different job in the same company or......you know what I mean? I think there are only two things for which we work - money and recognition. When these two are combined - when you get good money and it comes with a recognition of what you do, you tend to stay back in the organisation or a longer time or you have a jump in your step when you get to work each morning.

The fun starts when one of these (or in tough times like these both) do not come through. When you start feeling that the money is not enough for the work that you are doing you start looking for a change. I have a different view to this in that money is NEVER enough for what you do. There will always be someone else who you think does less work but earns more than you - always - and our problem is that we tend to compare ourselves with those people. We never compare ourselves with someone who does more work but earns less. Maybe we do but we don't feel happy about it - rather we feel sorry for that guy and then we go back to bitching how we earn less. When tough times come across when money does not increase over a long period of time, we get frustrated and try to change our jobs in hope of more money but falling the same trap of less motivation.

I believe that a lack of money can be 'compensated' by due recognition. Giving an award to an employee always motivates the person, maybe for a short period of time. A recognition in front of ones peers and management is good for the ego. When people clap and congratulate you, you tend to forget about the other motivator - money. You feel happy for the few brief moments of some weeks or months and you revel in the adulation. Organisations need to look at rewards and recognitions more seriously during tough times. When you cannot give money to motivate a person, make sure that the person is recognised for what they do in front of everyone.

But can one replace the other completely? Can someone be happy with just recognition in place of small increments in money? Or can someone be motivated by just money but complete lack of recognition of the work they do? Is a balance necessary or can we identify these types and keep them happy with just one motivator?

In the short term one of them can be enough of a motivator - give more money or give more awards. But in the long term a balance is absolutely critical. At some point the person getting only the awards will start to look at money and vice-versa as well. The one getting only the money will start thinking about the pats-on-the-back and the congratulations and the adulation that the award winner is getting. He will want a piece of that too.

What do you think? Money or Recognition? What motivates you?

Day 72 - Gandhi

While flipping channels on TV I came up against the movie 'Gandhi' and decided to watch it again - after all it is India's 60th Republic Day today! I also invited Ipsi to sit and watch it with me as I wanted her to learn about the struggle for Independence and Gandhiji's role in it.

But as I watched the movie I started questioning myself about the manner in which he fought for our independence. In trying to explain the concept of Ahimsa to a 7 year old, I struggled to make myself believe that it can actually be done that way. I tried to explain to my daughter that Gandhiji taught that if someone hits you don't hit him back even though that is your most natural reaction. He taught that you take his beating not once, not twice but many times, but never lift your finger. It will hurt but in the end the 'evil' person will recognise their mistake and bow down to you.

Even when I was explaining this to her and showing her the specific scenes in the movie to drive home the point, I was wondering how the people of India believed in his words and actually practiced it and followed it. What made the millions of Indians leave their natural tendencies of fighting and retaliation and follow an unknown path outlined by an unknown person and dedicate their lives to it? What made them love this frail old man in a loin cloth and agree to follow him on the most difficult path?

Some of the answers are there, of course. He was the only man who spoke about the people and for the people, who traveled to understand the people, who lived with them and translated their pains into actionable items.

The other obvious question is Would we follow his path if it was offered to us? In a way the question is quite invalid since it is not the same world and the same circumstances. But if the situation so demanded would we be able to fight a fight the ahimsa way or does power-of-strength rule the way today? Is might right or would Gandhiji's words that 'Injustice should be made visible' the right way? Would you teach your kid to fight their battles the ahimsa way and walk the long path or the violent way and try to walk the shorter path?

Its a difficult question to answer but one worth thinking about!

Day 71 - Two 'Innocent' Questions

As Indians we typically as two questions of a new person we meet. Think of it and play it in your mind. You've just met a new person, you've shaken hands with him and know his name. What are the next two questions you ask him?

Where are you from? What do you do?

While the questions by themselves are innocent, the reason for asking them are not. We tend to start slotting people into the small boxes of our judgment once we hear the answers. The ideal situation is to meet someone with an absolutely open mind and start making opinions about them after we have met them for at least a couple (I would say 25) of times. Oh yes, we do make opinions about people we meet - let's accept that - but the issue is that we make them the moment we get the replies to these two seemingly innocent questions.

Aggressive (North Indian), Conservative (South Indian), Business minded (West Indian) & Indian? (East Indian). Then we start thinking more details as we get to know the city and start linking the last name and the location answer. Opinions start getting formed in our mind. And then we hit the person and our small minds with the second question. The reply to that gives us enough ammunition to form a complete opinion of the person.

Oh! You're in marketing or sales or head some division (must have done well in school). You are a chef or a photographer (mustn't have done well in school). You are a painter, writer (do you earn enough? Do you need some money?). Our jobs seem to define what we stand for.

Have you ever thought why? Why do we do this? It goes back to my earlier post of Day 61 on 'Being Judgmental'. Its so easy to form an opinion about someone based on what we hear rather than based on what we experience with the person over a period of time. The fault lies in trying to speak to communicate with that person with a set opinion on our mind. We tend to take seriously the ones we perceive to be 'better' people based on our opinions. Or look down and be condescending to someone who does not live up to our opinion of a perfect person. How many times have you met someone at a party who you thought was not a successful person based on the replies and sought someone else? I have and therein lies the fault in us.

A photographer or a chef or an artist might have chosen that profession because they love what they do and do it with passion as compared to us who do our work because it is work. I wonder who is more happier? A South Indian may have some amazing innovative liberal ideas that we may pass over or never get to hear because we believe that the person must be a conservative one with 'old' ideas.

I think its time we stopped asking these two questions. Let's try to be non-judgmental and save our opinions about people for later. Our relationships will get better and our lives less complicated.

Day 70 - AAA of Friendship

I was watching an old episode of 'Boston Legal' the other day on TV and they had a very interesting case of two brothers. On brother had already been convicted of murdering his wife but the other brother was being tried for helping him hide the body and dispose off the evidence. Prosecution obviously argued that abetting a crime is a crime and hence the same punishment should be meted out to the other brother as well. Defence, on the other hand, argued that the brother was doing what any brother would do - help family.

Convoluted, isn't it? Of course the case was that the murderer-brother was being bullied by his wife and the other brother had been telling him for years to leave his wife and start fresh. When the brother finally decided and decided to tell his wife he chickened out at the last moment, then told her, she scoffed and laughed at his face and in anger he hit her and killed her. Then he did what he thought of first - call his brother.

The defence's argument got me thinking. We all know the saying 'Blood is thicker than water' and one would usually stand by family at all times. But would you stand by your friends? Maybe not in the earlier example kind but would you stand by in difficult situations? Let's simplify this......do you have at least one friend for whom you would do AAA? :) No...not alcoholics anonymous!

Do you have at least one friend for whom you would do ANYTHING ANYTIME ANYWHERE?

If that one friend asked you for a favour that involves you going out of your way, would you do it? Would you do it at any time?

I think its important that we have one friend like that - one that you would AAA for and hopefully one that does the same for you. Its like a fallback mechanism that one would have in life. The issue is would you have the ability to do it selflessly? Without expecting anything in return? Without assuming that the friend would feel the same way for you? That's the key! And that's the most difficult thing. As we grow older we are used to thinking for ourselves first and looking at everything in a manner that would benefit us. Why should I do this favour for him/her even if the person is a good friend. Would the person do the same for me? What benefit would I get for this? How would it help me?

My suggestion is to identify one friend who is closest to your heart and try the AAA with him/her. It will teach you to get in touch with your child again and believe me it will bring you great happiness.

I have one friend who is on my AAA list while I may not be on hers. But it brings me great happiness and I know she can count on me for Anything Anytime Anyplace!

Day 69 - Value ON Friendship.

Can you put a value on friendship? Can friendships be judged on monetary terms? Enough debates have raged on the value of friendship and how much some few good friendships can contribute to ones life. But how does one judge a friendship? Or is there something called judging a friendship?

I know, I know......there will be many among you who will say that the moment you start judging a friendship in any manner, its no longer a friendship but a transaction. That's all good to say in philosophical terms but in reality we are judging each other at all times of life. So can this apply to friendships as well?

I'm speaking in circles now, so let me explain. The other day I was helping a colleague pick up some gift for her friend. And this is a very good close bestest friend of my colleague. So we are in a shop and I'm showing her some ideas.She looks at one, likes it, sees the price and says "Its too expensive". So I say but this is for your best friend, price should not come in between a gift that she would like. (Of course we are not talking about diamonds or Ferraris here). She looks at me and says "You are right. She's cheap and doesn't spend on me. That doesn't mean I should be" and she bought the gift.

But it got me thinking. Do we think of monetary gifts and values when we gift our friends? Are we calculating what they gave us when we step out to buy something for them? Should 'cost' come in between gifting to a friend?

The ideal answer is OF COURSE NOT (note the caps coz some of you will be shouting this answer). But I think that somewhere deep in the corners of our mind, we do that calculation. Without the conscious mind knowing we tend to gravitate towards the section of a store that matches our perception of the value we put on that friendship. When we pick up two contrasting gifts that we like for a friend, we tend to buy the one that matches our perception. Sometimes that could be an indicator of how much we value that friendship. Putting a value on friendship might lead us to ascertaining the value of that friendship to us.

I do that. On a regular basis there are some friends that I hold very very dear but I do pick up gifts that subconsciously match the value I have put on that friendship. For some friends cost is no bar, if I like the gift I pick it up. For some I delay the purchase of a particular gift coz I am still evaluating how important that friendship is to me. You would never know that if you saw me with them. I'm guilty.

Are you? Do you put a Value on Friendship that can tell you the Value of that friendship?

Day 68 - Welcome 2010

A New Year usually signifies a new beginning for a lot of us. Have you ever wondered why? What is it in 1st Jan of a new year that we seem to heave a sigh of relief and start looking ahead to new beginnings? After all its just another day!

But at the root level psychologically we think of this date as a new start. It gives an opportunity to forget all the bad things that happened to us over the past 365 days and look ahead to the next 365 ones. It gives us a chance to correct some wrongs, get over some weaknesses, renew some relationships, forge some new ones and look forward with hope. That's the key word - HOPE! For at the end of the day we do live each day on the hope that it will be better than the previous one. Even if the last one was good for us, we hope that the next day will be better. Our lives are controlled by the Gregorian calendar and we look forward to each day, to the weekends of rest and rejuvenation, to the ends of the months and the paychecks. We have been programmed over the last many years to focus on each day as it leads into a week, a month and finally a year. And therin lies the importance of 1st Jan of any year.

As we complete a year we re-live all the good and bad things that happened and we HOPE that the next 365 days will be better. We make new promises to ourselves and to our loved ones. We start new things and new projects. We make new resolutions and dream new dreams! It is a day of hope and the beginning of new journey.

With that in mind, I too have decided to pen down some resolutions and goals for 2010. It'll be fun to re-visit them at the end of year and see what I was able to accomplish. So here goes:

• Continue to exercise and remain fit. Do not gain weight.
• Be more patient and keep an open mind.
• Be a good friend - supportive, non-intrusive, helpful when needed.
• Be a good father - helping, inculcating values by practice rather than preaching, giving proper direction, expanding their minds with experience rather than rote, not being too assertive, listening.
• Be a good husband - listening, loving, supportive, participating and patient.
• Be a good son and brother.
  
• Get better at my job or Get a better job.
• Read more books and catch up on new ideas.
• Try to do a good executive management program. Get more relevant education.
  
• Keep blogging.
• Get a tattoo.
• Learn to play Golf. Get coaching.
• Have more holidays.
• Don't take life too seriously. Have fun!

Quite a few of them are generic and open-ended. But I guess I've never been the one to set specific goals. I usually take each day as it comes and try to live that day to the best of my abilities.

So let's start on this journey of 2010 and see where it takes us! Carpe Diem!