Day 78 - Hindu death rites and Women!

Hindus believe in re-incarnation and living the cycle of life and death till we attain moksha. Hindus are cremated on their death and it is believed that cremation helps the soul escape quickly from the body.

While there are rituals involved in 'Antim Sanskar' the key part of all this is that the ceremony is done by the 'man' of the house. If the family does not have a son, its the son-in-law or the closest male relative. I am sure there is a reason for that somewhere in our Hindu tradition. One, I believe, is that the son is responsible for opening the gates of heaven for the parents when he performs their funeral rites saving them from the hell of Punamma where people without sons are believed to go.Thereafter he performs the 'shraddha' ceremony at regular intervals to ensure their well being in heaven.

The question I have always wanted to ask is why are women not allowed to do the last ceremonies? If a family has only girl children then why are they not allowed to say their final good byes and ensure their parents journey into heaven? What should some unconnected man do these ceremonies? A man who has not lived with this person, who has not shared their joys, who has not supported them in times of sadness, who has no clue about the person in an intimate manner is supposed to ensure that the Gods allow the person into heaven by doing the last rites? C'mon....you've got to be kidding me! When the final journey has to be undertaken who better to ask for permission from God and promise to upkeep the parent's last wishes than the child of the parent? So what if the child is a girl!!

On the tenth day ceremony a pinda (rice ball) is offered to crows who are considered messenger birds of Yama, the God of death. The idea is that if the crows accept and eat the rice ball, then the dead person has entered heaven. If the crows do not then there is some last wish that still needs to be fulfilled and the person doing the ceremony commits to upholding or fulfilling such wishes that he thinks the dead person might be holding on to. Its really a trail and error thing till the crows eat the pinda. Now imagine this ceremony being done by a 'man' who is unconnected to the family! How will he know what the dead person - the parent - is holding on to as his last wish! So why should an unconnected man do these ceremonies? Should this be the prerogative of the child of the family? So what if the child is girl!!

Tradition is the word given to this rite. But traditions are broken right? The Sati tradition, the widow re-marriage tradition?

For me this issue will come up when my one of my in-laws pass away. They have two daughters.So Will it fall on me or my brother-in-law to do the last rites? For whatever length they live, between my bro-in-law and me we would still know them for a small percentage of their life time. Who are we to help them on their last journey?

The prerogative and the right is for the children who have been with them their whole lives. Who have learnt from them. Who have idolised them. Who have loved them and fought with them. Who respect them. I think the daughters should do it. Its their prerogative, their father or mother, their family, their parent's last journey and their last request from the Gods to keep them safe.

But will 'samaj' and so called family friends allow it? But most important would the girl children of the family stand up and demand it?

On this women's day, I think its time that the women stood together to break this tradition as well!