Power in a Relationship

"The Power in a relationship lies with the one who cares less" says Michael Douglas in 'Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past'.

This was a very intriguing statement and got me thinking. Was it really true? If you care less about a particular relationship, do you control that relationship? Sad as it may sound, I realised that it might be true!

When you are not that invested in a relationship, when it doesn't make a difference to you if the relationship works or not, you control the flow of the relationship. The balance between the one who is indifferent and the one to whom it matters the most is quite evident and skewed. And this is true in any relationship - whether its friendship, its a project team, its work related or its love.

In fact in love there is a corollary statement to this. It is said that you should marry the one who loves you as compared to marrying the one you love. The thought being that in this case the onus of making the relationship work is one the one who does the 'loving' or in other words the one who cares a lot for the relationship. The Power equation is clear and called out.

In fact the popular serial "How I met your mother" has an episode on this called 'The Hook' in which Barney proves that everyone has a hook - a person that they keep around just so that they can feel better. In life you have a hook and are a hook for someone.

I've been on both sides of the equation. I've had someone as a hook, was someone who was loved, was the one with Power in that relationships since it really didn't matter to me if that worked or not, I did not treat the person with the respect she deserved. I'm not proud of that because I am sure I hurt her a lot when I ended it.

I have also been on the other side as well - where I was the hook, I was the one doing the loving and I was the one who was under the Power in the relationship. It doesn't feel good. It gets frustrating because you hope that the person realises how much you love her and loves you back. Sometimes it does, sometimes it just doesn't.

So what do you do? Here is my submission.

If you are the one who holds the Power, if you are the one who is loved, if you are the one who has the hook - just treat the person who is loving you with respect. Treat them well and show them that they are special and that you value that love, though you may not be able to love them back in that manner.

If you are the one who is under the Power, if you are the one doing the loving, if you are the one on the hook - you have a choice. Either you can continue to love the person and hope. Or you can decide to walk away and give yourself a break. There is no right answer because love is not something that you can measure and take a call. Its just there. There are times when you will love that person for a long time and continue to hope. I just hope that the person listens to the para on top.

Love Is Strange!

Day 36 - ममता और बापता

A lot is always said of a mother's love for a child। A mother is always connected to the child and children will always go to their mother for advice first. A mother feels the pain of the child and knows instinctively when the child is in trouble or when the child is happy

And all that is true but I also think that the world is unfair on fathers. No one ever talks about a father's love for his child. Or at least very few do. So here are my two bits about it.

For mothers its easy to feel love for their child. They bear the child, they grow (if that's the right word) child, they nurture the child and they feel connected to the child for nine months inside them. Its like getting a 100 mtr head start in a 400 mtr race. As the child grows in them, they feel the first heart beats, they feel the first kicks and they get to know what the child likes and dislikes though the child's reactions inside them. There is little wonder then that the mother knows her child better than anyone else. When the child is born there is another, at least 4 - 5 months, of dependency on the mother. The mother feeds it and rears it with its own milk making the child healthier. The baby gets to feel the warmth of the mother and gets to hear the mother's voice at all times. So even when the race starts the mother has already pulled ahead another 100 mtrs in the baby's mind. From -9 to +4, that's almost 13 months, the baby knows, understands and feels only the mother.

Let's go to the other side now. As a father we really have no contribution to make after the baby is conceived. Our job is done and we have nothing to say in the matter of the baby. All we have to do now is ensure that the mother is happy. Yes, we do feel the baby's kicks but really those are few and far in between - nothing as compared to the constant feeling that the mother has. We can talk to the baby but even those times are limited as we are at work far away from the baby as he/she is growing up in the womb. The baby has already formed a relationship of voice and kicks with the mother and the baby doesn't even know who we are. When the baby is born, again we have no contribution to make other than maybe put the baby to bed when it been fed by the mother. We are at work while the mother is forming an even stronger bond with the baby. We, fathers, have to work at forming a relationship with our own baby.

While the mother has already formed a strong relationship with the baby due to proximity and need, we have to work extra hard to form that relationship and make the baby realise that we are an integral part of their lives as well. The toughest part is that as men we are not used to this. We are basically a lazy part of the homosapien species (or at least we have become now - the cavemen used to hunt so couldn't have been that lazy) and its in our basic firmware to shirk responsibility. Leave us to our devices and we will not do any work. Its only a few of us who really like to clean and swab and wash and do all those nice things. So it really does take a lot of effort from our side to form that relationship with our kids. We have to work at it and while it takes time, it also makes us feel insecure. I mean, why should we need to work at forming a relationship with our own children? But we do and that's the reality.

So my advice to all the new mothers out there is to involve your husbands in the process of child bearing. Let them hold the child from the beginning. Let them feel the fragility of the child and marvel at the fact when their tiny hand curl around our big finger. Let the fathers feed the child and clean the child and let the child form a relationship with their father. Leave the child and the father alne sometimes and let them deal with each other.

Most importantly realise that we have to make an effort while you do not. So give us that respect and treat us well when we try our best to form the relationship.

In the long run, that is what will help the family! ममता भगवन की देन है , बापता बनानी पड़ती है !