Power in a Relationship

"The Power in a relationship lies with the one who cares less" says Michael Douglas in 'Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past'.

This was a very intriguing statement and got me thinking. Was it really true? If you care less about a particular relationship, do you control that relationship? Sad as it may sound, I realised that it might be true!

When you are not that invested in a relationship, when it doesn't make a difference to you if the relationship works or not, you control the flow of the relationship. The balance between the one who is indifferent and the one to whom it matters the most is quite evident and skewed. And this is true in any relationship - whether its friendship, its a project team, its work related or its love.

In fact in love there is a corollary statement to this. It is said that you should marry the one who loves you as compared to marrying the one you love. The thought being that in this case the onus of making the relationship work is one the one who does the 'loving' or in other words the one who cares a lot for the relationship. The Power equation is clear and called out.

In fact the popular serial "How I met your mother" has an episode on this called 'The Hook' in which Barney proves that everyone has a hook - a person that they keep around just so that they can feel better. In life you have a hook and are a hook for someone.

I've been on both sides of the equation. I've had someone as a hook, was someone who was loved, was the one with Power in that relationships since it really didn't matter to me if that worked or not, I did not treat the person with the respect she deserved. I'm not proud of that because I am sure I hurt her a lot when I ended it.

I have also been on the other side as well - where I was the hook, I was the one doing the loving and I was the one who was under the Power in the relationship. It doesn't feel good. It gets frustrating because you hope that the person realises how much you love her and loves you back. Sometimes it does, sometimes it just doesn't.

So what do you do? Here is my submission.

If you are the one who holds the Power, if you are the one who is loved, if you are the one who has the hook - just treat the person who is loving you with respect. Treat them well and show them that they are special and that you value that love, though you may not be able to love them back in that manner.

If you are the one who is under the Power, if you are the one doing the loving, if you are the one on the hook - you have a choice. Either you can continue to love the person and hope. Or you can decide to walk away and give yourself a break. There is no right answer because love is not something that you can measure and take a call. Its just there. There are times when you will love that person for a long time and continue to hope. I just hope that the person listens to the para on top.

Love Is Strange!

Love, Sex aur Dhoka

No, I am not reviewing the movie by the same name but rather taking the context to espouse about a topic that is very very controversial. Needless to say, unlike my other posts, this post won't find its way to my facebook page.

So the intent of this post is to get you to think and respond on "Is sex with person 2 while in love with person 1 considered a dhoka?" The clear obvious answer is Of Course, how could you ask a question like this? But this has intrigued me for some time.

Love is an emotional state of mind. When you identify with the person, when you overlook their flaws, when you are willing to do anything for the person, when you want to be with the person at all times, when you forgive their mistakes; that's when you reach an emotional state of mind called Love.

Sex, on the other hand, is a physical state of affair. Note that I do not call it a 'state-of-mind' because I don't believe it is. In its base form sex is a physical need that needs fulfillment. It is the core of lust and many a times has nothing to do with love.

Sex is also a natural progression into the physical realm of the emotional state of love. How do you show your love for a person? When you feel an overwhelming sense of love for a person, when you need to show it and shower the person with your feelings, it leads naturally into a physical form. But then its not called sex - its called love making! And it is the true representation of love. You do make physical the emotional state of love and hence love-making or making-love.

And therein lies the Catch22 situation. And I think the way that a man and a woman look at this part of the relationship. Most men compartmentalise sex and love-making into seperate sections. They love someone dearly and for them that is making love to the person. At the same time most men are sexually driven and use sex as a means to fulfill that physical need. They don't look at sex and love-making in the same sense. They make-love to one person and have sex with someone else. That is the core reason for prostitution, in my view, among many other things. And maybe to some extent infidelity, although I think in their minds its infidelity.

For most of the women, sex is actually love-making. It is a natural progression post the emotional bonding. Women move towards the physical act only after achieveing the emotional bonding. Without the emotional bonding of love, there is no sex. In that sense when their man has sex outside of marriage it is cheating because in their minds how can the man have sex unless he is in love with her. That means he doesn't love me anymore. And its emotional cheating. I don't think (and I could be wrong) that their anger and feeling of loss is more on the emotional front (he loves someone else) rather than on the physical front (he had sex with someone else).

For women, Love (one) & Sex (with other) is Dhoka. For men, Love (one) & Sex (with other) is not Dhoka.

What is right and what is wrong? Truly? I don't know. I know the obvious answer but in truth I am not so sure!

Crazy / Cute in Love!

And so its the Love Season again. Valentine's day is around the corner and the world has turned pink with media, shops, websites all inciting people to spend money in pursuit of love. Of course the meaning of love changes with every generation. While in our parents time it was supposed to happen only after marriage, in our times some of us were bold enough to love before marraige and in the next generation 'love' is a commodity to be freely exchanged.....or is that lust? I can never be sure.

But when you are in the throes of love there are so many things you do which in hindsight seem insane. And you wonder what made you do that? I call these the Crazy or Cute (depends which side of the fence you are) things in Love. When you did it, it seemed like the best thing to show her/him the depth of your love. A few years later you wondered if you were in the right senses or you thought that you were so naive and cute.

As I looked back I thought of the things that I have done in love and so here are some of the crazy/cute things that I have done in Love in random order.

• I guess the first woman most men do something for is their mom. I remember collecting money in my piggy bank and then on one of her birthdays going to a shop and buying lipstick for her. I bought a couple of them, gift wrapped them and a gave it to her on her birthday. That was an 'awww' moment.
• As I grew older my focus of course shifted to girls my age although I was a complete introvert. I remember having a massive crush on a girl in my study class in 11th std called Madhu L. She was a Gujju with flowing curvy hair and I would wait at the Santacruz railway station for her to come and (in my stick figure bravado) ensure that she would get into the train at 5.30am when we would go to our classes in Dadar. I wrote her name on pieces of paper and on my clothes!
• Then came Engineering college and I 'fell in love' with a Tam Bram girl with long plaited hair who was one year junior to me - Sripriya G. She said she wanted an engg book that she saw with me. Instead of loaning her mine, I went out and bought her one. For Valentine's I actually put a message for her in the newspaper hoping she would notice it. I wrote a story that got published in Indian Express for Valentine's Day that was around a guy initiating a Rose Day in college for the girl he loved.
• The best was saved for the last, of course. This time I really was in love. I wrote poems for her. I made gifts for her. I wrote stories, learnt to ride a bike and was like a moth drawn to a flame. And when she said that our 'affair' would be over when she shifted from Delhi to Bangalore at the end of our management course, I was distraught. I convinced my parents that Bangalore was a much better option in terms of job even though I had an offer from Delhi as well where they stayed. For her and to convince her that ours was a long term relationship I shifted to Bangalore, stayed in PG acco's where we got worms for brakfast but re-initiated our 'affair' to convince her. This one, thankfully, resulted in a happy ending and we've been married now for 12 years. The crazy/sute things have continued after that as well. I've written or made greeting cards for my wife, bought presents and tried to keep her happy! :)

There have, of course, been girls that I knew I was 'in love with' and I bought multiple gifts and did crazy or cute things for them like gifting books, doing their work, worrying about them, making things for them and so on. The story has been one-sided till I stuck gold with my wife and life has been golden since!

So what's your crazy/cute Love Story?

Day 59 - Too much love

Is there such a thing called 'Too much love'? We all love someone in our lives at all points of time. And the love manifests itself in different ways - love for your parents, love for friends, love for siblings, love for that special one or even love for your pets. Each of these has different mannerisms and different methods of getting expressed. But each form has its limits, or does it?

Can you love someone too much or is that then just smothering? Dictionary.com defines Smothering (n) as 'an overspreading profusion of anything' and this very nicely puts the point across. An overspreading profusion of love is also smothering.

Love, as we all know, is based on trust. An integral part of loving someone is that we trust them and we are secure in that relationship. We trust that our pet will not bite us and are secure that they love us more than they love the pet-handler. We trust that our parents have our best interests at heart and are secure that they don't distinguish between siblings. And the most important kind of love - we trust that our partner will not betray our emotions and are secure that they love us just as much. If these two components of 'trust' and 'security' are missing, it gives rise to smothering. You can call it by any other name - over possessiveness, protective, loving - but really you feel that the person is smothering you and not giving you space to grow.

Of course the 'smotherer' does not realise that and thinks that they are just making sure that their target is safe and unhurt. But ask the 'smotheree' and I am sure you will know that they are not happy in the relationship. They don't like being constantly asked where they are or where they are going or who they met or why they are doing a particular thing. While love is based on security and trust, smothering is based on the exact opposite emotions. In such a parasitic relationship, its just a matter of time before the smotheree breaks free and escapes leaving the smotherer to wonder what went wrong?

As you start any relationship I think its important that you look at it from this angle and ascertain if your outlook to the person is that of love or smothering? Do you trust that person? Are you secure in that relationship? Or do you have a need to know what the person is doing at all points of time? Do you wonder if that boy/girl that you partner is talking to is your competition?

If you value the relationship find out from your partner / friend if you are smothering them. Then change yourself or change the relationship so that both of you are happy. A smothering relationship is doomed for disaster at some point of time.

I found this great article that actually got me thinking about this aspect. Read the article here.

Are you a lover or a smotherer?

Day 53 - Value

Why is it that we understand the value of anything after its gone away? This holds true more for the emotional state of mind rather than the physical materialistic things.

In the physical materialistic world the next car, computer, mobile phone, TV, music system etc is better than the previous one. We strive for getting the latest cutting edge technology into our lives and the concept of value is fluid.

But some into the emotional space and 'value' suddenly takes on a completely different meaning. So the question really should be 'In the emotional space, why is it that we understand the value of anything only after its gone away?'

Its been a month since Gina's passing and the outpouring of grief and statements of love make you understand that people miss her so much. I knew her for 12 years and always took her for granted. For me, she was the invincible one - the one who will outlive all of us for her sheer energy, her exuberance, her joie de vivre, her healthy lifestyle and just her will to live. One month ago all that suddenly changed in one second. And I understood her 'value' in my life and the deep respect that I had for her. Why did I realise that only after she was gone? Why don't we show our value for people when they are with us? Why do we wait to say all the things about a person only after they are gone? I realise today that if I had to do anything innovative, off the world and that would open people's eyes - Gina was the person to go to.

Do you value your parents? I have always maintained that every child must go to a hostel to understand the value of what parents do for them and the value of 'home'. We take all this for granted. But when I went away to a hostel to study engineering, I realised the value of home and parents. I understood the value of home food and the taste of it. I value my mom's cooking more today and wait for her to come to my house on her vacation. My wife who has never lived away from her parents does not understand that as much and early in our marraige would not understand why I needed to talk to them long distance every week.

The whole concept of 'show your value for someone' is so cliched! But its also very true. If you value someone remember to show them that from time to time. It need not be the fact that you call them or face them and say 'I Value you and love you' everytime but it could be through a show of small things like calling them or maybe giving them personal gifts on their special occasions or even making something for them.

Tell them and show them that you care and they are valuable! Its important!

Day 52 - Love and Comfort

A few days back we celebrated our 11th Wedding Anniversary. Time flies. Sometimes it feels like yesterday that I was wooing Ani in Delhi and now its 11 years since we got married.

While I was talking to my friends about the 11th anniversary a very pertinent question was raised by someone who is not yet married. Like everyone else she asked as well as to what I had given her for the anniversary and then proceeded to talk about how much love I have for her because I gave a gift. I jokingly replied that in 11 years there is no love, only comfort feeling now. But this got me thinking: Is there love now and what is the state of that love?

Love can have different meaning at different points of your life. An of course there are different types of love as well. But let's not get into that in this post. Let's focus on a love between a husband and wife.

Even in a long-term relationship of this nature (at least long term in India) the nature of love can vary across the years. When you get married the 'love' factor is very high. You feel for your partner a lot and want to show that in emotional and physical manner. Of course the lust factor is there as well. ;-)

As the relationship gets older one tends to get caught in the daily grind and love seems to take a back seat. It is at this time that the real test of the relationship takes place. As you start living the daily life, the truth of compromises and adjustments strikes and you need to attain a good balance. Love seems to get lost and 'arguments' in terms of what one can or should do come to the fore.

But once you cross this part of the married life is when the best years begin. In my opinion this usually happens either after the first 5-6 years or after the first child turns 2. This is the time when love becomes like the background noise of the universe. Its there and has always been there but you can't see it or hear it. If you ask Radio astronomers they will tell you that the background noise of the universe is omnipresent. About 8 years into a marriage, love becomes like that. Its there but there is no need to show it at all times. The compatibility of the partners has been set and a kind of comfort factor comes in. You tend to understand each other and can almost complete each others thoughts and sentences.

I think I've come to that level in my marriage. After 11 years we almost understand each other and know what the other will think on a particular action of ours. We're comfortable with each other's presence, thoughts and actions. Love is there but it is coloured in the colour of comfort now.

What happens to this comfort factor as the marriage becomes older? I don't know......but lets re-visit that in a few years time.

Keep watching this space.

Day 46 - Selfless Love

Is it possible to experience or give absolutely selfless love? Have you realised that when you love someone it usually translates into certain expectations from that person as well. These could be simple things like picking up your phone when you call or talking to you when there is time, to more emphatic ones like falling in love with you too or liking you as much or doing things the way you want to.

Most of the time our love is a selfish one. We want the same emotions or the same experiences in return from the person we love. We have certain expectations and we want them fulfilled. If we don't get that, we get angry, frustrated, dejected, rejected and depressed. Mostly we forget to think from the other person's perspective and we think only from ours.

There are very few examples of selfless love and one that comes to my mind immediately is that of Mother Teresa. I have often wondered what made her come to India and spent her entire life in the care of the needy. Yes, I know...countless books have been written about it and innumerable philosophers and psychiatrists have given their explanations but what started her on her journey and made her do it? I guess she has the answer and we may never know.

Is there any time in your life that you will experience selfless love? I think there is. The only experience of absolute and complete selfless love with no expectations is the love of a child for the parent in the initial years. Note that I say - in the initial years - because as the child grows older and learns the 'tricks of life', the child too starts having expectations and sets boundaries for the level of love to be given to the parent.

But in the initial years the innocence of the child is so pure that the love of the child is an absolute joy. As a parent when you come home and see the innocent smile of the child, it washes away all your fatigue. Yes, I know this is so cliched but unfortunately it is also so true. Only as a parent can you experience this love in life. And when the same child cries in pain, it wrenches your heart out and you will do anything to get that smile back on the face. The child has no expectations from you and loves you for what you are, who you are and whatever you do to the child. You scold the child, shout at the child but the very next moment there is a smile and you forget everything and apologise.

Selfless love is like a gift from God which comes to you only through the smile and emotions of a child. Don't forget it and revel in these moments of pure innocent love for they will never come again.

Day 27 - Not family but FAMILY

We celebrated my father-in-law's (FIL)75th birthday yesterday at home with a surprise party for him. My wife's sister and her family is down as well and so for my father-in-law it was his entire family at one place.

But the interesting part is that we also invited 5 families to this do. None of these are family to my FIL in the strictest sense. They are not related at all and neither are their parents or their ancestors in any way to my FIL or his family. My FIL knew their parents or them when he came to Bangalore from US more than 40 years back. They formed a friendship that has lasted from their generation to the next and has continued onwards.

And that is the interesting part. These five families are not FAMILY but sometimes more than that in the real sense. The families are a support system to him and his family over the years. The kids (my wife and sister-in-law) have grown up with this support system that has contributed a lot on their lives, in their values and in their upbringing. The families bond close together and have always been there for each other. This is the extended family that every family must have.

I am envious in a way of them. How many friendships convert into extended families in your life? How many friends can you call as your extended family who will do anything for you? Who will be available for you when you need them? And for whom you will do anything as well? The key is to have such a friendship that is reciprocatory in nature and you know you can back on. Many family friendships are one-way in the sense that either we feel special for the other family or they for us and it is not mutual. Very rarely do you come across family friends that have mutual affection.

Remember again that as a family you are bound together and so you love them and hate them but do compromises to get along with them. With your family there will be good times and bad times but because they are family you will invest to make it work.

With friendships that become an extended family, it requires a lot of trust, of affection, or respect, of work, of time and mostly of love of all the quirks and good things to make it work. You have to accept the friend in their good times and bad and they have to accept you. Your secrets are mutually known and your faults are mutually accepted. Your opinions are mutually respected and loved. You, like the other family, should be willing to make an effort if things do not go your way.

The key word is MUTUAL.

Its important to have this extended family as a support system. Sometimes this extended family supports you more or are closer and help you more than your actual family.

We (the Veluris) have two families that we call our extended family.

Do you have one?

Day 21 - Will I love my second child as much as my first child?

Its a question that many parents think about subconsciously when they are expecting their second child. More true if there has been a fair gap (3-5 years or more) between the first child and the coming of the second child.

With your first child you have devoted your time, attention, love and affections completely on him/her. You have grown with the child and experienced the world for the first time through its eyes. You have learned new words and new ways of saying the same words with the first born. You have fallen in love all over again and the child is the center of your being. Even your spouse comes a far third to the child.

Now you are expecting a second child and while there is a happiness in the fact that your first born will have a sibling, there is also a constant question if you will love your second child as much as you did your first. You think that you have already experienced all the joys of parenthood in terms of showering affection, seeing new things and hearing new sounds through the first child. Will I be able to re-experience the same things again and have the same exhilaration when the second one does all this again?

I had that question! Ipsi was 4 when Ani was expecting again and while I was happy, I had this constant fear in my mind. I loved Ipsi to the core. Like all parents, I though she was the cutest, most beautiful and most smart child I had ever seen. I was worried if I would have the same strong feelings for my second child. I did not want to be a parent who distinguishes between the love for their two children. I did not want to be the one who loves the first born more than the second and tries hard to hide those feelings. And I was afraid.

To all those who go through the same feelings.........Relax!

The miracle of birth takes care of all that. The moment I laid eyes on my son, I knew that the cycle had started again. As the child grows older you experience the same feelings that you did the first time. In fact they are different than the first time. As everyone says (and we rarely believe it) each child is different from the next one. And that comes out so evidently when you have two children. The second child does things dramatically different from the first one and you experience the same fun, happiness, pride, joy and love for the second child.

My son does things that my daughter never did and vice-versa. Tarush climbs on audio speakers, tables, plays with cars, breaks things, wants to play with switches and so many things that Ipsi never did. Ipsi was silent, loved to play with her dolls and her fantasies, loved fairy tales and long hair. She still does actually.

The fun is that the two children bond with each other so well and that sight brings joy to your heart. More details in my other blog on Day 16

Today I can proudly say that my fear was unfounded and I love both my children very much. In fact because I am re-living the discovery phase with my son again, my first born might complain at times that I love my second born more than her!!!

Different Problem........different blog! :)

Day 17 - Crossroads and Defining Moment

Every decision that you make in your life is actually a crossroads decision. You always have choices and you choose one decision over another. This applies to almost every single thing that we do - right from what clothes to wear in the morning to what breakfast to have to what route to take to office and so on. Sometimes a simple mundane decision like what shirt to wear can have a lasting impression on that day.

But once in a while you come to a crossroad that defines your path forward. You may not know it at that time but in hindsight you can clearly identify that decision fork and you wonder what would have happened if you would have chosen the other road. How would your life have turned out then? Sometimes you are thankful for taking the path you chose and at other times you wish that you could have taken the other path.

My father says that the decisions we make are determined by our destiny. Our destiny is already written and we actually take the decisions that lead us to that. I contradict him with my perspective that our decisions determine our destiny and where it leads our life. We agree to disagree on the count that probably by the time I reach his age I might have the same view as his.

I put this in my pensieve and hope to get back to it when I get to his age.

When I look back I can clearly identify that one moment in time which decided on the course of life where I am today. The interesting part is that I did not have to make that decision.

!FLASHBACK!

August 1994 (15 years back), I had just gone back to Dehradun after a few bad months of work and did not want to get back to where I was working at that time. I stayed put for a few months in Dehradun and then decided to go to Mumbai to try my luck and getting a job there. I thought that I would get any sales job there and we will take it from there. Refer to my earlier post on "What are you afraid of?" to get my perspective.

I booked my train ticket from Dehradun to Delhi and Delhi to Mumbai by Rajdhani. I had a waitlisted ticket from Delhi to Mumbai but I was confident of getting a confirmed one. I had done that quite a few times using a tout at the Hazrat Nizamuddin station when in college. I landed up early morning in Delhi and got in touch with the tout who assured me that I would get a confirmed ticket.

!DRAMATIC VIOLIN MUSIC!

Come the time for the train and I did not have a confirmed ticket - not even RAC and I had to miss the train. Decision Fork came up then and I had a choice to either stay back for a day and try for a ticket for the next day or just go back to Dehradun and figure out what to do.

I called home in Dehradun and told my mom that I was coming back. Dejected and seeing my Mumbai dreams chug away, I took the train and reached Dehradun at 2am the next morning.

THAT WAS THE DECISION THAT CHANGED MY LIFE!

I decided that I would work for some time in Dehradun and study for the management exams. I did that for a year working at Radix Technologies selling Modi Olivetti computers and Tektronix Test and Measurement Instruments. I 'studied' for management tests.

I gave the first exam - Times School of Marketing - and passed through the written, GD and Interview landing a seat there. I decided to take it up and landed in Delhi for the one year course.

Studied, met Anindita, fell in love, followed her to Bangalore after the course, joined Genesis, then 3M, spent one year convincing Ani's parents to let us marry, married her, BuyAsOne, bought a house and car, IBM, Oracle and now at Citrix. Its now 13 years in Bangalore and 14 years of knowing Ani.

Why do I call that Rajdhani chugging away as my Defining Moment? Because if I would have got the ticket, I would have landed in Mumbai, got a job and never met Ani or any of my current friends. I would not have had the life I had.

Do I think back on what would have happened? Not really, coz I love this life that I have and would not trade that for anything.

So, what is your defining moment?

Day 16 - Two kids or One Kid?

I have two kids - a daughter (7) and a son (2) - and I face this question quite often. How do you manage with two kids? My one kid is a handful. And I always tell these parents that two kids are any day better than one. I usually get an expression of disbelief followed by a statement to the tune of - Of course you have to say that now, you have two kids. Bet you wouldn't have said that few years ago when you had just one kid.

We - my wife and I - have always been clear that we want two kids, if not more. Both of us come from a two kid background and we know the fun and comfort of having someone to talk to and share life with. I have always believed that a family that has a single kid deprives the child of companionship at a later stage. The concept of sharing is much easier if you have had a sibling. And sharing is not just in the materialistic manner of toys, gifts and chocolates but more esoteric in terms of love, affection and emotions.

When you have a sibling you learn to share the affection of your parents and grand parents. You learn easily that you can love two people at the same time just as you love your parents and your sibling. You learn that its Ok to share your thoughts with others and you get a secret-keeper of your own. As you grow up you have someone to go to for questions and someone to whom you can tell your deepest secret without the fear of being judged. Of course all this is also a generalisation because some of you will be shaking you head and saying that my sibling was a secret-leaker rather than a secret-keeper but I am sure you had fun even then. In the long term you get someone that you can bank on.

Its also easier for parents to handle two kids. The second child is usually more easily handled than the first child. This observation and statement of mine invariably brings about a look from single parents that says "You're out of your mind!" But it is true. With the first child you don't know what has hit you. There are no books or manuals to tell you how to handle a child. Its all on the job learning and your parents too have forgotten about it. So, with the first child you go through stress, trauma, joy, frustration, pain, elation and all the feelings in between. You discover new things with your first born. When your only child falls ill, you freak out. A single child also gets pampered a lot and I think that affects the child in the long run. Some single children tend to think that they are the kings and queens because they have always been treated like that. The real lonesome world outside comes as a surprise to them.

When the second child comes along you are usually a little better prepared and know this stuff. It becomes relatively easy to take care of the second child and sometimes you have the help of the first child for that too. When your second child falls ill, you usually take out the medicine and give it to the child having experienced this before. You don't run hysterical to the doctor. The first child also learns responsibility and the concept of sharing things much more easily. She sees the fact that parents and family give equal love and understands that this is possible. She understands that its OK to share these feelings with a wider audience. And she understands that this is what love is.

The two children bond and you reap the benefits of that.

I always advocate that everyone must have two children - both for your sake and for the child's sake. Sibling Love usually surmounts any obstacle in life.

Day 14 - Slave and Master

A recent article caught my eye on Mani Ratnam's movie 'Ravan' being shot in the jungles of Kerela with Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai Bachchan.

An elephant brought to the set for shooting went on a rampage and killed its mahout. Then it uprooted trees and caused a scare among the people at the shoot. The crew had to wait for quite some time before they could return back to their hotels.

The article got me thinking on the relationship between a trained and a trainer in such a situation. Its almost a relationship of slave and master. The relationship, I guess, is based on fear. Fear that the slave has of the master and fear that the master can exercise on the slave.

It's interesting to note that when it comes to humans and animals, the slave (animal) is usually the physically stronger kind who can easily harm the puny master (human).But the human is able to completeley control the animal and make it do whatever the human wants to. It's sad that humans can do this to animals - domesticating them through fear and emotional control. What is it that drives an animal who is much stronger than a human to bow down and obey his every command? What goes on in the brain of the animal that makes it afraid of the human? What is the fear factor that drives out all independence from the animal and makes it subserviant to the human?

The master also has his limits to which he can drive the slave. Once that is crossed the slave will react violently and try to break free from the shackles. This has happened to many times in history too. All freedom struggles are basically the fact that the people who feel enslaved have fought to break free from these shackles of their 'masters'. The same thing happened on the sets of 'Ravan'.

According to reports the mahout kept poking the elephant everytime there was a visitor on the set and make him do a namaste. This happened throughout the day. I guess at one point the elephant just got pissed and kept his foot down (pun intended).

But the reports say something interesting post the incident. Apparently the elephant kept trying to rouse the mahout and did not realise for quite some time that the mahout was dead. Once it realised that it went on a rampage uprooting trees. I found that quite interesting.

Did the elephant think that it had done a mistake and the get angry at itself? Was the elephant still afraid that the mahout may get up and punish him severely? Was the rampage an act of sadness or an act of happiness? Or was the elephant intelligent enough to think that it has to go back to the stable and will get punished by the other mahouts? I guess the answers are with the elephant only.

The relationship between any two beings should be a symbiotic one that benefits both and not a parasitic one. Only then will the relationhsip grow and become something beautiful. A relationship will never grow if there is only a give and a take - there has to be equal give and take from both parties.

Any relationship - love, friendship, colleauges - should be one of equals for it to grow. A master-slave relationship will always have an expiry date - in this case it was that of the mahout!

Day 11 - Triple A stages of first days in school

Today's post is more for parents and actually more for those parents whose children have just started school or are going to start school. Single people may not enjoy this post.

My younger kid - a son - just turned two and has started going to his play school for about 2 months now. While my elder is in 2nd standard, I remember these stages applied to her as well. As the child starts the first days of school, there are three stages that the child goes through. In some form or the other these three stages apply to all kids starting school. And this applies for the first days of school i.e the first time your kid starts school when he/she is very young. You'll typically put her in a play school when she turns 2 or in a nursery / Montessori school when he turns 3. Well, get ready for these stages.

AWE: The first stage that the child will pass through is Awe. Your child will run into the school for the first few days of school. He is too awestruck with all the different things to play with, explore and have fun with to bother about the fact that he is alone or with many other kids or with some new people. This stage usually lasts for 2-3 days and at a max for about 7 days. Within that time frame your child has finished exploring all the different things in school and now suddenly wakes up to the fact that he is being left alone in a strange place. She then gets into second stage

ANGUISH: This is the crying stage, the tantrum stage and the clinging-to-you-at-the-gate stage. Your child will howl and cry as she reaches the school and start telling you that she does not want to go to school. He will cling on to you for dear life with tears streaming down his face when you get to the gate. Imaginative kids will tell their parents that someone hits them in school or that another kid pushes them in school. Some will complain of stomach ache when they get to the school. Other kids start saying that they want to do potty. All these because they know that as a parent you will want to rush back home and give them medicine or get them to their potty. Kids will push the envelope with their parents and try and find different ways to avoid going to school. They will stop having their breakfast. But the key weapon in their arsenal are the tears when they get to school meant to melt your heart.

This is the longest stage for the child and the parent. It can last from a few days to weeks and even to one full month. Parents feel sad and start to assess if it is so important to send their child to a 'school' at such a young age. Maybe we should let him be at home. He was so happy at that time. Some parents feel embarrassed that their child is crying so much at the gate of the school. Some parents start wondering what is happening in school that my child is so afraid to go there. They start wondering if their child is being taken care of properly.

At the end of this stage, children graduate into the third and last stage of going-to-school and that is

ACCEPTANCE: In this stage the child just learns to accept that irrespective of what I do, my parents are going to leave me at this place so might as well learn to enjoy it. When the child gets to this stage they go in quietly into the school and to the teachers. Some kids in fact turn around, wave a bye, blow a flying kiss to the parent and walk in. This is the stage that the parents wait for. When they breathe a sigh of relief and are happy that their child has 'adjusted' to the school. It is from this stage onwards that the child starts to learn a lot and his vocabulary starts to change. New words come into his vocabulary. New concepts are formed. New rhymes are sung for the parents and new names are mentioned. And everyone is happy.

But the fact to be aware of is that the child oscillates between the 'Anguish' and 'Acceptance' stage for a few months. The parents think that their child has 'settled' in school and suddenly for a week in the middle the child will revert back to crying and the 'Anguish' stage.

This can happen for multiple reasons - maybe on of the parent traveled on work and the child starts to think that when I go to school my mother disappears and comes back later or the child got hurt in school an he starts associating the school with that hurt and pain or someone pushed him or did not give him a toy when he asked for it. There could be multiple reasons. The key is to know that your child will always go back to the 'Acceptance' stage and that this is just a phase.

So new parents always be prepared to face the three A's when your child starts school.

Tomorrow I'll talk about what to do in each stage.

Day 10 - Backfoot in love: Men or Women?

Love is such a heady emotion and both men and women get carried away in it. It can play tricks with even the most stable mind and make them behave like nuts. :)

Conventional wisdom says that in love a woman is more sentimental and emotional than a man. It also says that when in love the woman becomes indecisive or takes a back seat or will not make the first move - as compared to a man.

I think that is exactly what it is - conventional wisdom - and it is completely wrong!

The best way to find out if a man is truly in love is to see how indecisive he becomes when it comes to THE woman. At any other time the man will be in control of his emotions and actions. When he is flirting with a woman or just wants to get into her pants or is not that serious about the woman, he is in control and knows what he is doing. He does not mind taking the initiative since he knows that if he gets rejected it wasn't serious anyway and there are more women out there.

But change the situation and see the difference. If the man is really and truly in love with the woman, he becomes a completely different character. The fear of rejection or making a fool of himself or not appearing to be a proper correct person for her drives him nuts. He can't take a right decision and forever wonders which is the right way to take.

He starts thinking about what would make HER happy and loses his way and sense of thinking. He starts wondering that if I say something and she gets angry, then what do I do. Better not make her angry since I can't afford to lose her. He tries to live up to her expectations of him and sometimes forgets to be himself. The woman can really control him then and I think every woman knows that.

When truly in love - a man is not a man! (If you know what I mean). When truly in love, its the man who is on the backfoot.

Woman of the world.....that's the key. Forget all the cosmo quizzes and all the tests.

Good News: If the man you are dating is indecisive and more concerned about you; if you can sense that he is truly afraid of losing you; if he ensures that you are truly happy with small gestures - then he's in love with you. Watch out for those signs!

Bad News: That does not last forever. It only lasts till you get married to him. Post that he reverts back to his actual self!

More about the post-marraige man in a different blogpost.

;-)

Day 8: Effect Statements

I've always been interested in 'Effect Statements' and obviously on the effect that these statements have on people. That's an interesting statement, isn't it? :)

But what are these 'effect statements' that I am talking about.

As humans we communicate and let the other person know our thoughts. Most of our communication is harmless and generic in nature. However, as we grow older some amount of selfishness crops into our communication. We communicate to extract something from others in terms of material things or emotions. This could be to our friends, girl/boy friend, parents, spouses, bosses, colleagues and almost everybody.

There are times when we make certain statements to people that we don't mean but we hope that they'll mean a lot to the other person and help us get what we want. That's an Effect Statement!! Still confusing?

Have you ever told a girl that you love her without meaning it but hoping that she would feel good and maybe give you the emotional and physical touch that you want? That's an effect statement. You really don't love her and don't mean it at all but you hope that the girl likes what she hears, believes that you love her and 'melts' in your arms!

Have you ever been told that you are a very kind person by someone and then realised that you ended up giving a large donation by your standards? Or have you been congratulated by everyone in office and then proceeded to give a party for that? Then you may have fallen prey to the 'effect statements'. Neither of them meant those statements but were able to extract what they wanted - a donation or a tip or a party or something to that extent.

Effect statements when made for small materialistic gains may not be that dangerous - a party, some money.

But when the same statements are made for emotional gains, the repercussions can be long lasting and dangerous. A girl thinks that the boy loves her and has an intimate relation with him only to realise that he never meant any of that. A parent tells their kid that you can marry her/him over their dead body and put a stop to something that can make the kid happy. A friend tells you that he/she is your best-est friend and then goes on to bitch about you to the whole world. These can be dangerous effect statements.

Learn to know when a statement is an effect statement and when it is the truth. My solution is look at the eyes and body language of the person. A sincere statement will almost always be delivered with eye contact and with confidence.

Always protect yourself against these 'effect statements' and the people who make them.

Day 7: Snap(e) Love!

I just returned from watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince a little while back and was surprised at myself for shedding a tear when Dunbledore dies. Its a defining moment in the Harry Potter series and I'm sure will touch every Potter fan's heart.

But really I was not shedding a tear for Dumbledore when I was watching the scene. I realised that I was truly getting teary eyed for Snape. Watching that scene and having read the last book of the series, I just feel for Snape so much. He's like 'Karan' of the Mahabharata. Not liked, not understood but central to the whole story. Imagine what must be going through Snape's mind as he kills Dumbledore. He is committing an act of which he knows there will be long lasting repercussions and he will never be forgiven by anyone. I remember feeling so disappointed when I read the book and knowing that Snape kills Dumbledore. I was certain that he was a good man and then when the last one explains everything I was so very happy.

And that gets me to the point of today's post. Forget about what Snape does and lets get to the reason he did it.The one thing I was struck about when I read The Deathly Hallows and explanation of who Snape was and why he did it, was the love that Snape has harbored in him for such a long time!!

Dumbledore: "If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear"
Snape: "What do you mean"
Dumbledore: "YOu know how and why she died. Make sure it is not in vain. Help me protect Lily's son"
Snape: "Very well"

Imagine, can someone love a person for so many years and hold that love so dear that he can commit himself to protecting the progeny? Do whatever it takes - put himself in mortal danger of being discovered by the Dark Lord for who he really is and still work towards protecting the genes of one he loved. How does that love come about? How does that love survive? Snape's patronum is a doe with eyes of Lily Potter.

Does this love exist only in movies and books? Or can it exist in real world as well?

Today's generation talks about love in a snap. They snap their fingers and talk about falling in and out of love. Love for them is a means to an end - to get the person they want. If they get the person, great else lets move to the next one and tell her 'I love you!'. Sometimes love dies and the couple part without trying to revive the love. Why? Because there are more out there.

What is love really? Is it an emotion that can last over years and years? Imagine yourself in Snape's position for a moment of time. He loved someone very dearly but she marries someone else. When he knows Voldermort's plan, he begs Dumbledore to save her and maybe the family. In return he promises "Anything". His 'master' kills that very woman but her son survives. He comes over to the good side and becomes a spy. Years later he comes face to face with those eyes - the eyes that he hoped would have had love for him. He then works tiringly to protect that person and those eyes, each time being mistaken for the wrong.

Snape's single motivation for who he is and his life is his love for Lily! For that he killed Dumbledore, for that he spied in Voldermort's camp, for that he died......almost taking his secret with him.

Ladies and Gentlemen.......tip your hat for Snape for THAT IS LOVE!!!! And that is why Severus Snape is the best character of the Harry Potter series.

DAY 5: To tell or not to tell!

I read a beautiful story from Haruki Murakami last night called 'Honey Pie'. Its part of his 'After the Quake' collection and it really got me thinking. He's a fabulous author, by the way, but that's a different blog.

I also started linking the premise of the story to so many triangular love story movies that I had seen in Hollywood, Bollywood, Tollywood and all the other 'alphabet'-ollywood's and that lead to the question of the post today.

To tell or not to tell?

I'm sure you're asking...BUT WHAT? :)

Murakami's story talks about a group of three friends - a girl and two guys. The two guys are as opposite as chalk and cheese (where did that expression come from? Must find out). One is a extrovert, boisterous, fun loving guy while the other is a soft spoken, introvert, happy with himself kind of guy. Guess who gets the girl? The first one, of course and that's because he tells the girl about his feelings. The other bloke loves the girl as well but never tells her.

To tell or not to tell?

I believe in telling. If you like someone, if you love someone just let them know. The reasons for not telling are well documented and I don't need to talk about that - fear of rejection, becoming a laughing stock etc etc.

I want to talk about a different scenario. What if you positively know that the other person - your friend - does not love you? Do you still tell? What if the person and their presence in your life is more important than your 'feelings' for them. Do you still tell?

Now it gets interesting,doesn't it?

So then the fear comes in that if we tell them and they don't like it, they'll leave and we'll lose even the friendship. Sometimes that makes sense. But I think its better to let them know. And let the person know early on. If the person understands and accepts, they will be a better friend because they know how you feel about them. If they don't you will mope for a few days and come out stronger.

But the counter argument to that is, what's the use if she/he is still my friend, knows that I love her/him but the feeling is not returned? Now its a case of permanent frustration. At least earlier I had hope, now I don't even have that. That's a true assessment I'm afraid but I think that's where the maturity of love comes in. And this may sound as cliched as the typical Bollywood sob story, but is your love 'pure' enough that you would rather see the person happy than sad? Then you just love the person and forget about the reciprocation! Love like a child!

If you are a parent, you'll understand. Your child loves you unconditionally and expects nothing in return - at least till he/she is 3 or 4! :) You scold them, you shout at them but after sometime they come to you with a smile and you forget why you were angry at them. Their eyes show unconditional love. Go back to that time and learn to love like a child.

Loving a friend is loving like a child! Don't have any expectations from that person. You just make sure that your love makes the person happy! Is it easy? Hell no! But I think its worthwhile.

So go out today and tell your friend that you love her/him and leave the rest to destiny!

Guru Kaushal-ananda has spoken! May the force be with you!