Day 16 - Two kids or One Kid?

I have two kids - a daughter (7) and a son (2) - and I face this question quite often. How do you manage with two kids? My one kid is a handful. And I always tell these parents that two kids are any day better than one. I usually get an expression of disbelief followed by a statement to the tune of - Of course you have to say that now, you have two kids. Bet you wouldn't have said that few years ago when you had just one kid.

We - my wife and I - have always been clear that we want two kids, if not more. Both of us come from a two kid background and we know the fun and comfort of having someone to talk to and share life with. I have always believed that a family that has a single kid deprives the child of companionship at a later stage. The concept of sharing is much easier if you have had a sibling. And sharing is not just in the materialistic manner of toys, gifts and chocolates but more esoteric in terms of love, affection and emotions.

When you have a sibling you learn to share the affection of your parents and grand parents. You learn easily that you can love two people at the same time just as you love your parents and your sibling. You learn that its Ok to share your thoughts with others and you get a secret-keeper of your own. As you grow up you have someone to go to for questions and someone to whom you can tell your deepest secret without the fear of being judged. Of course all this is also a generalisation because some of you will be shaking you head and saying that my sibling was a secret-leaker rather than a secret-keeper but I am sure you had fun even then. In the long term you get someone that you can bank on.

Its also easier for parents to handle two kids. The second child is usually more easily handled than the first child. This observation and statement of mine invariably brings about a look from single parents that says "You're out of your mind!" But it is true. With the first child you don't know what has hit you. There are no books or manuals to tell you how to handle a child. Its all on the job learning and your parents too have forgotten about it. So, with the first child you go through stress, trauma, joy, frustration, pain, elation and all the feelings in between. You discover new things with your first born. When your only child falls ill, you freak out. A single child also gets pampered a lot and I think that affects the child in the long run. Some single children tend to think that they are the kings and queens because they have always been treated like that. The real lonesome world outside comes as a surprise to them.

When the second child comes along you are usually a little better prepared and know this stuff. It becomes relatively easy to take care of the second child and sometimes you have the help of the first child for that too. When your second child falls ill, you usually take out the medicine and give it to the child having experienced this before. You don't run hysterical to the doctor. The first child also learns responsibility and the concept of sharing things much more easily. She sees the fact that parents and family give equal love and understands that this is possible. She understands that its OK to share these feelings with a wider audience. And she understands that this is what love is.

The two children bond and you reap the benefits of that.

I always advocate that everyone must have two children - both for your sake and for the child's sake. Sibling Love usually surmounts any obstacle in life.

Day 11 - Triple A stages of first days in school

Today's post is more for parents and actually more for those parents whose children have just started school or are going to start school. Single people may not enjoy this post.

My younger kid - a son - just turned two and has started going to his play school for about 2 months now. While my elder is in 2nd standard, I remember these stages applied to her as well. As the child starts the first days of school, there are three stages that the child goes through. In some form or the other these three stages apply to all kids starting school. And this applies for the first days of school i.e the first time your kid starts school when he/she is very young. You'll typically put her in a play school when she turns 2 or in a nursery / Montessori school when he turns 3. Well, get ready for these stages.

AWE: The first stage that the child will pass through is Awe. Your child will run into the school for the first few days of school. He is too awestruck with all the different things to play with, explore and have fun with to bother about the fact that he is alone or with many other kids or with some new people. This stage usually lasts for 2-3 days and at a max for about 7 days. Within that time frame your child has finished exploring all the different things in school and now suddenly wakes up to the fact that he is being left alone in a strange place. She then gets into second stage

ANGUISH: This is the crying stage, the tantrum stage and the clinging-to-you-at-the-gate stage. Your child will howl and cry as she reaches the school and start telling you that she does not want to go to school. He will cling on to you for dear life with tears streaming down his face when you get to the gate. Imaginative kids will tell their parents that someone hits them in school or that another kid pushes them in school. Some will complain of stomach ache when they get to the school. Other kids start saying that they want to do potty. All these because they know that as a parent you will want to rush back home and give them medicine or get them to their potty. Kids will push the envelope with their parents and try and find different ways to avoid going to school. They will stop having their breakfast. But the key weapon in their arsenal are the tears when they get to school meant to melt your heart.

This is the longest stage for the child and the parent. It can last from a few days to weeks and even to one full month. Parents feel sad and start to assess if it is so important to send their child to a 'school' at such a young age. Maybe we should let him be at home. He was so happy at that time. Some parents feel embarrassed that their child is crying so much at the gate of the school. Some parents start wondering what is happening in school that my child is so afraid to go there. They start wondering if their child is being taken care of properly.

At the end of this stage, children graduate into the third and last stage of going-to-school and that is

ACCEPTANCE: In this stage the child just learns to accept that irrespective of what I do, my parents are going to leave me at this place so might as well learn to enjoy it. When the child gets to this stage they go in quietly into the school and to the teachers. Some kids in fact turn around, wave a bye, blow a flying kiss to the parent and walk in. This is the stage that the parents wait for. When they breathe a sigh of relief and are happy that their child has 'adjusted' to the school. It is from this stage onwards that the child starts to learn a lot and his vocabulary starts to change. New words come into his vocabulary. New concepts are formed. New rhymes are sung for the parents and new names are mentioned. And everyone is happy.

But the fact to be aware of is that the child oscillates between the 'Anguish' and 'Acceptance' stage for a few months. The parents think that their child has 'settled' in school and suddenly for a week in the middle the child will revert back to crying and the 'Anguish' stage.

This can happen for multiple reasons - maybe on of the parent traveled on work and the child starts to think that when I go to school my mother disappears and comes back later or the child got hurt in school an he starts associating the school with that hurt and pain or someone pushed him or did not give him a toy when he asked for it. There could be multiple reasons. The key is to know that your child will always go back to the 'Acceptance' stage and that this is just a phase.

So new parents always be prepared to face the three A's when your child starts school.

Tomorrow I'll talk about what to do in each stage.

Day 8: Effect Statements

I've always been interested in 'Effect Statements' and obviously on the effect that these statements have on people. That's an interesting statement, isn't it? :)

But what are these 'effect statements' that I am talking about.

As humans we communicate and let the other person know our thoughts. Most of our communication is harmless and generic in nature. However, as we grow older some amount of selfishness crops into our communication. We communicate to extract something from others in terms of material things or emotions. This could be to our friends, girl/boy friend, parents, spouses, bosses, colleagues and almost everybody.

There are times when we make certain statements to people that we don't mean but we hope that they'll mean a lot to the other person and help us get what we want. That's an Effect Statement!! Still confusing?

Have you ever told a girl that you love her without meaning it but hoping that she would feel good and maybe give you the emotional and physical touch that you want? That's an effect statement. You really don't love her and don't mean it at all but you hope that the girl likes what she hears, believes that you love her and 'melts' in your arms!

Have you ever been told that you are a very kind person by someone and then realised that you ended up giving a large donation by your standards? Or have you been congratulated by everyone in office and then proceeded to give a party for that? Then you may have fallen prey to the 'effect statements'. Neither of them meant those statements but were able to extract what they wanted - a donation or a tip or a party or something to that extent.

Effect statements when made for small materialistic gains may not be that dangerous - a party, some money.

But when the same statements are made for emotional gains, the repercussions can be long lasting and dangerous. A girl thinks that the boy loves her and has an intimate relation with him only to realise that he never meant any of that. A parent tells their kid that you can marry her/him over their dead body and put a stop to something that can make the kid happy. A friend tells you that he/she is your best-est friend and then goes on to bitch about you to the whole world. These can be dangerous effect statements.

Learn to know when a statement is an effect statement and when it is the truth. My solution is look at the eyes and body language of the person. A sincere statement will almost always be delivered with eye contact and with confidence.

Always protect yourself against these 'effect statements' and the people who make them.