Fear!

People who know me will say that I always try to push the envelope with my fears. I am a firm believer in the adage that if you face your fears, it will only make you grow stronger. There is in fact a poster on my office wall that says "Always do what you are afraid to do".

This adage has led me to do many things that normally I would have never done - Bungee Jumping, Sky Diving, Everest Base Camp Trek, Scary rides etc - and I am always on a lookout for the next big adventure to push the limit and overcome the fear.

All the above activities and my bravado are all limited to (what I now call) Physical Fear. A fear associated with bodily harm - I will get hurt if this adventure fails and goes the wrong way. I've learnt that this Physical Fear can be controlled by calming the mind, facing the fear and living the moment. A simple mental image of the fun and rush that you will feel during the experience and the pride that you will feel when you finish the adventure helps you to enjoy the adventure and overcome the fear. I've learnt that the key is to have an image of the completed adventure and aim towards that.

Over the last few days, however, I have come to realise that there is another kind of fear that is much stronger and much more difficult to overcome.

Events across the last few weeks have made me realise the power of Emotional Fear. The fear in your mind that is associated with the fear of loss.  Emotional Fear is the fear that is completely in your mind pertaining to events and issues that are completely out of your control and have no physical connotations. You cannot associate it with a physical way of overcoming it. A fear so deep seated that you don't want to imagine the end image or a fear associated with an end image so frightening that you don't want to face it. An image that you don't want to accept and a fear that it might come true. 

I'm struggling with this Emotional Fear over the last few weeks with a few major events that made me face the prospect of loss of a loved one. The emotional fear was also associated with the fear of inaction - if we didn't take any concrete action, then we could loose the loved one and not be remembered. An intense need to take action continuously while the reality might be to let things play itself out. We struggled with the 'inaction fear' recently and things worked out well for us. But the fear was always around the corner of what if it would not work out. I'm struggling with another one in that realm.

While I've come to realise that I have the ability to easily understand and overcome Physical Fear, the dragon of Emotional Fear scares me and I have yet to find a way to tame that dragon. Physical Fear is temporary and can be overcome in minutes. Emotional Fear needs a lot of time to overcome but giving it time only seems to make the dragon more powerful and all consuming.

How do you overcome Emotional Fear?

Day 74 - Death

Quite a morbid word to write a post on, isn't it? But the fact of death hit home in a different manner today. One of my closest friend's mother-in-law passed away last evening after a prolonged struggle. I was speaking to him a few days back on the topic and we started discussing about what is the best way to die. Death, after all, is the only certainity of life. Do what you may, the end result is defined and constant.

I've been fortunate not to see death at close quarters till now. My grandfather passed away a few years back and Gina passed away last year. The two were in absolute contrast to each other. My grandfather died in his sleep. He went to sleep one night and never woke up. He was old and had lived his life. Gina, on the other hand, died suddenly and has left a gap which is difficult to understand or fill. There was so much that she still had to accomplish.

What is more difficult or easy? Knowing when you are going to die or just passing away suddenly? After all from your perspective you are here one moment and not there the next. Should one think about oneself and be selfish or should one think about others when you dwell on this topic? Of course the discussion really is futile because you cannot control when Lord Yama or the Grim Reaper will come for you. But humor me!

I've always envied and loved the manner of my grandfather's passing. He went away peacefully and at the end of a fruitful life. I have often wondered if I could be so lucky when my time comes. Death after a prolonged struggle with disease saps you and your family of energy. The affected person wishes to pass away but life is something that you cannot give up easily even if its in pain. The final journey affects everyone but at the same time one does get to say one's good-byes, set things in order and thank your loved ones. One also gets time to do the things that one wanted to in life - the bucket list. But can these cancel out the suffering of the loved ones as they see you, bear you and comfort you in pain?

On the other hand a sudden passing is a blessing for oneself (I guess). No suffering, hopefully no pain. But it also leaves one's dreams and wished unfulfilled. One does not get to say goodbyes and tell the loved ones. One leaves an unexplained gap in the hearts and lives of the loved ones remaining behind. And the question that gets asked to God - Why? - has no answer. The loved ones remaining behind have to deal with that question and the gap for the rest of their lives. The sudden passing away of Ranjan Das, stories of how a relative went to play tennis or came back after a walk or went to the bathroom and passed away are related by people as lucky chances but always with a tinge of sadness that it was too sudden. Can the pain of the loved ones left behind balance the sudden passing away of the person?

Very difficult to answer or think about. I think my grandfather was lucky in that he lived his life, said his good byes across the later stage of his life and passed away peacefully. He must have done some good things in this or a previous life to be so lucky.

I wonder sometimes if I will be! Will you be?

Day 26 - Last Days & 10 Things

Edward Kennedy died a few days back at 77 from Brain cancer. While everyone will speak volumes of him and how great he was - which he was....a reformer, a law maker, an influencer, a low key high impact senator and many more - NY Times did a great piece on his last days.

You can find it here - After Diagnosis, Determined to Make a ‘Good Ending’ - which talks about how Sen Ed Kennedy decided to live life after he was diagnosed with his disease and got to know the limited time frame that he has. It talks about how he stuck to his schedule, put his affairs in order and decided to pass the remaining days doing what he loved best. He spent it with his family and loved ones finally passing on a legacy that they will always remember.

I have always wondered at the mind of a person who gets to know that he/she has limited time to live. What goes through that person's mind? I am sure numerous books have been written explaining the various stages and how to cope with them. But then again you cannot feel all this till you are in the same shoes. And I hope and pray that you and me do not get to wear those shoes.

Movies like 'Anand' & 'Mili' have been made which showcase the happy-go-lucky attitude of a terminally ill person and how the person's acts affect everyone. But can someone really be like that? When the person knows that their time is very limited? I assume the attitude of a person to this news would differ based on the age and how the person has lived their life till then. An old person who has had a good life might look at this as an opportunity to do things that he/she did not do in their life. A young person, on the other hand, might get angry at the fact that they are not been given a chance to live their whole life. 'Kaash' is a great example of how a very young boy decides to cope with the news.

I've wondered what would I do if I heard a news like that? And I've never found a perfect answer. So I put a twist to that question in my mind and asked myself - 'What are the 10 things that you would like to do before you die?' That seemed like a reasonable question to answer. So here is my list of 10 things in no specific order or priority.

1. See my kids settled in life and happy.
2. Hear from my kids that they are proud of me.
   
3. Hear from my wife that I gave her a good life and she was happy to spend it with me.
4. Do some adventure sports like Bungee jumping, sky diving, zero gravity flight, deep sea diving.
   
5. Get to meet my idol - Amitabh Bachchan
   
6. Hear from my friends that they love me - one in particular. In whatever form of love that might be!
7. Get a tattoo.
8. Publish a book - novel or short stories.
9. Get to see space or do a space travel flight.
10. See humans settle on other worlds - Moon or Mars.

I am sure this list will change as time goes by and it'll be good to come back to it later.

What are your 10 things?

Day 9 - Capital Punishment

A few weeks back I had an interesting discussion with one of my friends on Capital Punishment and if it should be abolished. There have been lot of discussions on this subject and I am sure there are people on either side of the fence.

My friend is a proponent of the fact that it should be abolished. His view is that an example should be set for the other criminals and that can be set by taking away their freedom. The most important thing for a person, by his logic, is his/her freedom and if you take that away and lock them away in a prison, you set an example for others wanting to commit the same crime. The other criminals will not want to commit the same crime. He also mentioned that research has shown that crime in a country that exercises capital punishment is no less than in one that does not or rather that crime in country without capital punishment is less than one with. His view was that a deterrent must be created for crime. There is also a view that a human has no right to decide on the life of another human. What use is inteligence if we behave like animals?

My view, on the other hand, is that capital punishment must be exercised in the rarest-of-rare crimes. Life is more important for a person than freedom and if you give the fear of losing life then crime may not get committed again. Of course this logic does not work for those people who do not care about their lives anyway - like terrorists. But if you 'set an example' then maybe the next person may not commit the crime. If a person like the Nithari Butcher is put to death maybe the next person who thinks of something like that may not do it. If a rapist of a small child is put to death, maybe the next possible rapist will think twice about it.

And that brings me to the topic of Kasab. Here is a youth who has indiscriminately killed people, trained his gun on innocents and pulled the trigger with no remorse. And we are spending tax payers money on taking care of him in jail and actually having a long drawn trial. What will that prove? We all know that he is one of the terrorists. Imagine what the other potential terrorists in Pakistan are thinking right now. They have Afzal Guru's example and now Kasab too. Hey, it we get caught after we have committed the crime, don't worry the Indian government will take care of us and we will live safely for at least another 10 years in their jails. Will capital punishment help the cause if we immediately execute the terrorist and let the world know that we will not tolerate terrorism? I think it will! I know what some of my friends will think - they will equate Kasab to Modi on Godhra and say that he too should be hanged. Maybe...let's get conclusive proof like in Kasab's case.

I think capital punishment is necessary. Can we please now hang Kasab and not waste my hard earned money and tax on taking care of him?

What do you think? Let me do a small poll. Which side of the fence are you on? YES for Capital Punishment or NO for who are we to decide to take someone's life!

(Cheeky of me to also find out how many really read my post!) :)