Fear!

People who know me will say that I always try to push the envelope with my fears. I am a firm believer in the adage that if you face your fears, it will only make you grow stronger. There is in fact a poster on my office wall that says "Always do what you are afraid to do".

This adage has led me to do many things that normally I would have never done - Bungee Jumping, Sky Diving, Everest Base Camp Trek, Scary rides etc - and I am always on a lookout for the next big adventure to push the limit and overcome the fear.

All the above activities and my bravado are all limited to (what I now call) Physical Fear. A fear associated with bodily harm - I will get hurt if this adventure fails and goes the wrong way. I've learnt that this Physical Fear can be controlled by calming the mind, facing the fear and living the moment. A simple mental image of the fun and rush that you will feel during the experience and the pride that you will feel when you finish the adventure helps you to enjoy the adventure and overcome the fear. I've learnt that the key is to have an image of the completed adventure and aim towards that.

Over the last few days, however, I have come to realise that there is another kind of fear that is much stronger and much more difficult to overcome.

Events across the last few weeks have made me realise the power of Emotional Fear. The fear in your mind that is associated with the fear of loss.  Emotional Fear is the fear that is completely in your mind pertaining to events and issues that are completely out of your control and have no physical connotations. You cannot associate it with a physical way of overcoming it. A fear so deep seated that you don't want to imagine the end image or a fear associated with an end image so frightening that you don't want to face it. An image that you don't want to accept and a fear that it might come true. 

I'm struggling with this Emotional Fear over the last few weeks with a few major events that made me face the prospect of loss of a loved one. The emotional fear was also associated with the fear of inaction - if we didn't take any concrete action, then we could loose the loved one and not be remembered. An intense need to take action continuously while the reality might be to let things play itself out. We struggled with the 'inaction fear' recently and things worked out well for us. But the fear was always around the corner of what if it would not work out. I'm struggling with another one in that realm.

While I've come to realise that I have the ability to easily understand and overcome Physical Fear, the dragon of Emotional Fear scares me and I have yet to find a way to tame that dragon. Physical Fear is temporary and can be overcome in minutes. Emotional Fear needs a lot of time to overcome but giving it time only seems to make the dragon more powerful and all consuming.

How do you overcome Emotional Fear?

Thinkgifting or Thingifting?

I read this blog post of mine recently on "Value perception of a Gift" and started thinking about all the gifts that I had received over a period of time from all my friends and acquaintances. Like all gifts in life, some were gifted because it was an occasion and something had to be given and some were gifted after a lot of effort and thought. While my earlier post talked about the perception that the giftee gets on the gift and how the gifter feels, I started thinking about why does one put an effort into a gift? What is the subliminal message one wants to send with a gift? Or is there even one?

Gifts can be classified into two segments:

• THINGIFTING or giving something as a gift picked off the shelf without much thought process because you have been invited to an occasion or because you didn't have time or because you should give a gift. 
• AND
• THINKGIFTING or giving something as a gift after putting in a lot of thought and effort. This could be something unique that you believe you have created for that person. Something that you believe the person will like and love. Or even something that you thought is very unique for the person.

For most of the occasions and people that we know, we do Thingifting. We pick up gifts as we go to the occasion, stopping over at a store so that we don't have to spend too much effort.  The idea is to pick up something that we believe will be apt for the occasion so that the person feels good about it. There isn't much thought given to what we are buying with budget probably being the main concern for the gift. We spend just as much as we attach a value to that person - should the gift be worth Rs. 1000/- or Rs. 2000/-? What about buying something thats Rs. 5000/- for that person? Is he/she worth that much spend? These are some of the questions that we go through in our mind. Let me clarify, there is nothing wrong in that and is a perfectly normal discussion. I believe that sub-consciously, though, you are evaluating the importance of that person in your life and deciding to put in the required time, money and effort into gifting something to the person.

For the more or most important people in your life, though, you would do Thinkgifting. You would spend time, thought and energy into the right gift for the person. Money becomes a secondary consideration in the initiative. The gift could be a simple thing costing hardly anything at all but something that you have maybe trolled the net, found a unique thing and decided to get it made for the person. It could be something very expensive just because you know that it will bring joy to the person. Or maybe something that you will spend time to get made for the person exclusively and unique to the person. If you are doing Thinkgifting for someone, then sub-consciously you have attached a priceless value to the person in your life.

Are there exceptions to this generic statement? Of course, there could be. I am sure someone who never gifts anything to anyone but gives you a gift, however simple and quick it may have been, is probably doing Thinkgifting from their end. 

Thingifting and Thinkgifting can also be a great way for you to find out how much you need the person and how much the person values you. If someone has been doing Thinkgifting for you for a few years, then hold on to that person because he/she puts tremendous value on you.

I do Thinkgifting for two people in my life. How many people do you do Thinkgifting for?

Friendship Trip!

The best cliche on friendship that I have heard says that if you are true friends with someone then you should be able to pick off a conversation where you last left it even if you meet the friend after many years. I have always wondered if friendship should be measured on that parameter at all! If you haven't been in touch with someone for a long time, is that person really your friend? Don't you make an extra effort to stay in touch with people who you care about - friends? 

But over the years I have experienced first hand the cliche as well. I usually go for a long time without talking to some people but when I do connect, it's like we never stopped talking. I find that very interesting and have come to realise that it probably amounts to comfort with that person more than anything else. You are comfortable in sharing your opinions, perspective and life events with a few people and it doesn't matter if it is done daily or after a long time. The only difference is that there is a lot of catching up to do in a short time. But even that is fun - you get to know new things about the friend.

I recently embarked upon one such 'catch-up' with part excitement and part trepidation. 

The three of us had been great friends and inseparable in college - known as the Three Musketeers in the final year. We roamed together, did our final project together and banked on each other to pull us through with our studies. Like every group we had the genius (Kaushal Mehta) , the late lateef (Shivraj Yadav)  and the average joe (yours truly). Post college we all stayed in touch for some time but then life took us in separate paths and we started talking to each other rarely at first and over birthdays and new years later. But the best part was that it didn't seem to matter. Whenever we would touch base it would be like old times. So we decided to meet and have a reunion in the year of our 40th birthday. We planned, we booked and we were on our way to meet up.

But questions niggled at the back of my mind - as I am sure it did in theirs - Would we be able to relate to each other? Would our thoughts and outlook to life have changed dramatically? Are we being nostalgic and will we have to make an effort to find the Three Musketeers of long gone age? Or would we 'live the cliche'? This trip would test our friendship - make it stronger or break it apart?

We had all met with each other separately and had connected nicely but would we connect again as a group? The aha moment for the trip started right at the beginning - our late lateef was late to come to the airport itself arriving almost at the last moment. In essence that set the tone for the reunion as we realised that passage of years, receding hairline and increasing midsection does not change the basic nature of people and different nature of friends balances the group out perfectly. 

As we reached our destination, our intrinsic natures emerged and we were back to college years. It was a revelation to know that while we remained the same, we had changed as well. The Genius was just as well organised but had started to open up and share his thoughts, The Late Lateef was just as disorganised and late but was at a cross road with a serious issue and wanted support while The Average Joe had become adventurous and was still giving unsolicited advice! The three day trip turned out to be a re-connection and just made the bond stronger. The risk was that it may not have gone that way and could have strained the friendship.

I would recommend everyone to 'make the trip' with your friends and test the strands. It can make the bonds stronger.

I have rediscovered my link and wavelength with Mehta and Shivraj. Guys, thanks for being my friends and we should make the trips more often!!!

Day 77 - Would you stand by me?

Ruchika Girhotra's case has hogged the limelight for some time now and rightly so. Abuse of power was always a known thing in India but this case brought to light the horror that a family has to endure when they rub someone in power the wrong way. From the girl giving up her life to a continuous harassment spanning more than 19 years the plight of the Girhotra family sends shivers down my spine.

NDTV recently did their 'Indian of the Year' award and one of the recipients was Aradhana Gupta as an 'Extraordinary Indian'. If you are searching for an example of a perfect friend then I think you don't need to look any further. Here is a lady who has stood by her friendship for over two decades and fought for justice for her friend. For 19 years people.

Go back 19 years in your life and see if you had a 'good' friend at that time. Are you in touch with that friend? Do you still talk to each other? Would you run to his or her defence if they were in trouble? Would you lend them money or welcome them to your house? Answer these questions from two perspectives - if you have had a long distance friendship with that person sporadically for 19 years and if you have never seen that person for 19 years but you were best friends all that while back. Can you do that exercise?

And now we realise the extraordinary strength, resolve and commitment that Aradhana Prakash nee Gupta has shown for her friend Ruchika Girhotra. And have no doubts that she is extraordinary.

As normal human beings we tend to forget promises that we make to living people a few years back. Keeping promises over decades and lifetimes are only the stuff of movies. After all the movie gets over in 3 hours and neither are we shown the struggles nor do the actors have to endure it. But Aradhana did....for 19 years she carried - and still carries - the flame of her friendship and commitment to Ruchika. Across marriage, across continents, across time she has fought for justice for her friend. How many of us will actually stand by a friend who doesn't exist anymore? It is so much easier to give up the fight and call it someone else's rather than continue on that path. There must have been countless times when Aradhana must have thought that its easier to continue her life without thinking about what happened to Ruchika or fighting for her - when she got married and started a new life or when she went to a new country or when she had a baby but she did not and therein lies her extra-ordinariness. Remember she was not in the spotlight all this while. She did not expect it, she did not ask for it, she only fought for her friend.

Its natural for the flame of a fight or passion for justice to die away in a few years especially when the visual of your broken friend is not in front of you - its just her picture. But Aradhana's did not. What kept her motivated? What kept her focussed on her goal? I guess the answer only she knows.

If Ruchika ever asked Aradhana the question during her tough times - Will you stand by me? - I think the answer is for the whole to India to see now. For that my salute and humble bow goes more to Aradhana than to Ruchika in this case.

Friendships should have a new benchmark now. Do you have a 'Aradhana' in your circle of friends?

Day 70 - AAA of Friendship

I was watching an old episode of 'Boston Legal' the other day on TV and they had a very interesting case of two brothers. On brother had already been convicted of murdering his wife but the other brother was being tried for helping him hide the body and dispose off the evidence. Prosecution obviously argued that abetting a crime is a crime and hence the same punishment should be meted out to the other brother as well. Defence, on the other hand, argued that the brother was doing what any brother would do - help family.

Convoluted, isn't it? Of course the case was that the murderer-brother was being bullied by his wife and the other brother had been telling him for years to leave his wife and start fresh. When the brother finally decided and decided to tell his wife he chickened out at the last moment, then told her, she scoffed and laughed at his face and in anger he hit her and killed her. Then he did what he thought of first - call his brother.

The defence's argument got me thinking. We all know the saying 'Blood is thicker than water' and one would usually stand by family at all times. But would you stand by your friends? Maybe not in the earlier example kind but would you stand by in difficult situations? Let's simplify this......do you have at least one friend for whom you would do AAA? :) No...not alcoholics anonymous!

Do you have at least one friend for whom you would do ANYTHING ANYTIME ANYWHERE?

If that one friend asked you for a favour that involves you going out of your way, would you do it? Would you do it at any time?

I think its important that we have one friend like that - one that you would AAA for and hopefully one that does the same for you. Its like a fallback mechanism that one would have in life. The issue is would you have the ability to do it selflessly? Without expecting anything in return? Without assuming that the friend would feel the same way for you? That's the key! And that's the most difficult thing. As we grow older we are used to thinking for ourselves first and looking at everything in a manner that would benefit us. Why should I do this favour for him/her even if the person is a good friend. Would the person do the same for me? What benefit would I get for this? How would it help me?

My suggestion is to identify one friend who is closest to your heart and try the AAA with him/her. It will teach you to get in touch with your child again and believe me it will bring you great happiness.

I have one friend who is on my AAA list while I may not be on hers. But it brings me great happiness and I know she can count on me for Anything Anytime Anyplace!

Day 69 - Value ON Friendship.

Can you put a value on friendship? Can friendships be judged on monetary terms? Enough debates have raged on the value of friendship and how much some few good friendships can contribute to ones life. But how does one judge a friendship? Or is there something called judging a friendship?

I know, I know......there will be many among you who will say that the moment you start judging a friendship in any manner, its no longer a friendship but a transaction. That's all good to say in philosophical terms but in reality we are judging each other at all times of life. So can this apply to friendships as well?

I'm speaking in circles now, so let me explain. The other day I was helping a colleague pick up some gift for her friend. And this is a very good close bestest friend of my colleague. So we are in a shop and I'm showing her some ideas.She looks at one, likes it, sees the price and says "Its too expensive". So I say but this is for your best friend, price should not come in between a gift that she would like. (Of course we are not talking about diamonds or Ferraris here). She looks at me and says "You are right. She's cheap and doesn't spend on me. That doesn't mean I should be" and she bought the gift.

But it got me thinking. Do we think of monetary gifts and values when we gift our friends? Are we calculating what they gave us when we step out to buy something for them? Should 'cost' come in between gifting to a friend?

The ideal answer is OF COURSE NOT (note the caps coz some of you will be shouting this answer). But I think that somewhere deep in the corners of our mind, we do that calculation. Without the conscious mind knowing we tend to gravitate towards the section of a store that matches our perception of the value we put on that friendship. When we pick up two contrasting gifts that we like for a friend, we tend to buy the one that matches our perception. Sometimes that could be an indicator of how much we value that friendship. Putting a value on friendship might lead us to ascertaining the value of that friendship to us.

I do that. On a regular basis there are some friends that I hold very very dear but I do pick up gifts that subconsciously match the value I have put on that friendship. For some friends cost is no bar, if I like the gift I pick it up. For some I delay the purchase of a particular gift coz I am still evaluating how important that friendship is to me. You would never know that if you saw me with them. I'm guilty.

Are you? Do you put a Value on Friendship that can tell you the Value of that friendship?

Day 24 - Friendships: Nurture or Nature?

You cannot choose your family but you can choose your friends. I remember this line being told to me by my parents when I was young. It always implied that one must choose one's friends with care as your friends not only reflect your character but help shape your character as well.

While this is great advice I've always wondered if friendships need to be nurtured or are formed by chance, by luck and by nature. I haven't found a perfect answer for that.

I think the real answer lies somewhere in between nature and nurture. We don't go looking out for perfect friends or best friends. We come across multiple people in our lives but only a few of them turn out to be really good friends. People whom we love and people for whom we would do anything at any time. People whose moves and moods we can predict and people in front of whom we stand exposed and transparent with our emotions. These are the real friends.

But do we need to nurture these kind of friendships? Do we need to spend time and effort to make an acquaintance into a real friend? I think you do. A friendship, in my mind, is like a seed. You have to give it water, enough sunlight, sometimes a fertilizer and enough attention to make it bloom. But a friendship is also a two way street. It has to be a symbiotic relationship in that both the people involved must feel that they have gained from the relationship. A relationship that is based on only one person giving at all times and another only receiving is not friendship. And this give and take can be anything - it can be emotions, it can be love, it can be attention or it can be support. I believe that in a friendship there also needs to be a show of emotions i.e each party must be comfortable to show the other the value of that person in their lives.

A relationship cannot become a friendship if it is parasitic in nature. If a person does not get reciprocation of their emotions, then the friendship can never bloom into something amazing and lifelong. Then the 'friendship' is restricted to presence. It becomes a case of out-of-sight-out-of-mind and it can't really be called a friendship. It gets relegated to an acquaintance.

But the initial stage of this relationship is by chance, by luck. Of the many people you encounter in your life, there are but a few with whom you 'click', with whom you 'hit it off' the first time you meet. You feel comfortable in that person's presence and can talk and exchange ideas. This is the nature part. This is the luck part. You might meet that person again sometime and realise that your ideas and thoughts match to an extent or that you like to debate with the person and talk to the person. These are the many seeds that you sow in your garden of friendship. And you come across many such people.

The challenge post this is the nurture part where you start to focus on a few of these seeds and realise that you are getting the same response from that person as well. This then grows into a friendship that can become a crucial supporting factor in your life.

So the answer to forming a friendship is somewhere in between Nature and Nurture. It starts off with Nature but you need to Nurture it for it to become a deep and a meaningful friendship.

I can count at least 5 such friendships that I know reciprocate my feelings and 3 more that I hope they do!

What about you?

Day 18 - Chaddi Dost / Langotiya Yaar

Its a Hindi slang that literally means a friend so close that you can share underpants (gross) or one with whom you have grown up or known since the time you were kids but really implies a friend who has been with you for a long time and with whom you can share anything.

I envy my wife sometimes. She has a friend with whom she goes back to school times. They've been together for over 25 years now and have lived together through the good times and the bad. They've supported each other and have been each others sounding boards. Both of them know about each others darkest secrets and know that they are there for each other.

My sister and I did not have the luxury of this kind of friendship. Our father was in the government service which meant that every 5 off years we would move from one city to another. By the time we would have formed a bond with one person in that city and neighborhood, we would have to move to a different city and make new friends. Our oldest friendship stretches back to our college days - at least mine does.

The longest term friendship that I have I share with three people from my engineering days - that's just over 19 years old. Two of them - Kaushal (yes, we share name) and Shivraj are in US, while the third - Arvind - is in Mumbai. The best part of our friendship is that we may not talk to each other for months or sometimes year on end but when we start talking its from our last conversation as if we never had a break. I guess that's the fun of lasting friendships. It doesn't matter that we haven't spoken or interacted for a long time. Its just that we know about the other and pick up the thread when we meet.

Its also strange that we move on in life but our lasting friendships are usually the ones that form just like that - almost by luck.

We don't find friends, friendships find us.

When we meet someone for the first time we don't decide that I want to have a long lasting friendship with him/her. Its not a pre-meditated relationship. I believe that real friendships happen over a period of time and before we know it we form the relationship.

Kaushal, Shivraj, Arvind and me are as different from each other as chalk from different forms of cheese. But we are friends!!

Do I miss the fact that I don't have a friendship like my wife's? Sometimes...but I also know that I have a similar friendship with few people in this world.

I can say that Arvind, Shivraj and Kaushal are my chaddi dosts!

Who are yours?