Fear!

People who know me will say that I always try to push the envelope with my fears. I am a firm believer in the adage that if you face your fears, it will only make you grow stronger. There is in fact a poster on my office wall that says "Always do what you are afraid to do".

This adage has led me to do many things that normally I would have never done - Bungee Jumping, Sky Diving, Everest Base Camp Trek, Scary rides etc - and I am always on a lookout for the next big adventure to push the limit and overcome the fear.

All the above activities and my bravado are all limited to (what I now call) Physical Fear. A fear associated with bodily harm - I will get hurt if this adventure fails and goes the wrong way. I've learnt that this Physical Fear can be controlled by calming the mind, facing the fear and living the moment. A simple mental image of the fun and rush that you will feel during the experience and the pride that you will feel when you finish the adventure helps you to enjoy the adventure and overcome the fear. I've learnt that the key is to have an image of the completed adventure and aim towards that.

Over the last few days, however, I have come to realise that there is another kind of fear that is much stronger and much more difficult to overcome.

Events across the last few weeks have made me realise the power of Emotional Fear. The fear in your mind that is associated with the fear of loss.  Emotional Fear is the fear that is completely in your mind pertaining to events and issues that are completely out of your control and have no physical connotations. You cannot associate it with a physical way of overcoming it. A fear so deep seated that you don't want to imagine the end image or a fear associated with an end image so frightening that you don't want to face it. An image that you don't want to accept and a fear that it might come true. 

I'm struggling with this Emotional Fear over the last few weeks with a few major events that made me face the prospect of loss of a loved one. The emotional fear was also associated with the fear of inaction - if we didn't take any concrete action, then we could loose the loved one and not be remembered. An intense need to take action continuously while the reality might be to let things play itself out. We struggled with the 'inaction fear' recently and things worked out well for us. But the fear was always around the corner of what if it would not work out. I'm struggling with another one in that realm.

While I've come to realise that I have the ability to easily understand and overcome Physical Fear, the dragon of Emotional Fear scares me and I have yet to find a way to tame that dragon. Physical Fear is temporary and can be overcome in minutes. Emotional Fear needs a lot of time to overcome but giving it time only seems to make the dragon more powerful and all consuming.

How do you overcome Emotional Fear?

Change

The Bangalore International Airport shifted 40 Kms away from the city and everyone was up in arms - its too far, we'll have to leave 5 hrs early, keep the current airport running and so on.

Airtel changed their logo and the social space in India went nuts taking it apart - it looks like a squiggle, what - this is called a logo?

Facebook introduced a new way to view photos and the buzz began again - I hate it, I want the earlier way back.

Why is CHANGE such a bad word? Our first involuntary reaction to change is always resistance and negative. We wishes things did not change and that everything remained the same always. Once we know how things work we want them to always be that way. Its easy to do the same job everyday, its easy to take the same route, do the same routine, watch the same programs, have the same relationships and you can extend that to almost any aspect of your life.

But change we do - from the moment we are conceived. We change in physical, mental and emotional status. We grow, we evolve, we learn, we adjust and we change. The fear of change seems to be linked to our growing consiousness. You change the settings for a child and the child seems to adjust easily to the new settings. As a parent have you given a thought on how you 'blame' the fact that you cannot change your house or job or city because your children will not be able to adjust? And have you realised that if you are forced to do that, the children adjust the most easily. They make their surroundings their own and form new relationships with the ecosystem.

As we grow older we seem to get 'set' in our ways. We get comfortable with the way things are and with the fact that we know how the world is supposed to work. We fear that if things are changed then we will lose the semblance of order and be thrust into chaos. We fear that we will be unable to deal with it and most of all we fear the loss of existing knowledge. We tend to become change-resistant with age. But resistance to change brings with it its own problems of stress, frustration and anger.

We sometimes tend to remain in the same job or relationship or city giving up seemingly better options because of this fear of change. I know what is needed of me in this job or I know how to deal with his/her emotions in this relationship or I know this city so well and I have friends etc etc that I am OK to let go of that 'better' alternative. But we also envy those who seem to take up those options and seem to do well compared to us. That gets us thinking if we would have been 'happier' if we had taken up that change option. Remember this is all a perception that could crop up.

For me change is a state of mind at that moment of time. If you are able to adjust to that change, the fact that changed becomes a part of your now daily life. Recall all those times when you resisted change but had to change. Do you recall why you resisted the change? Now it feels stupid that you had to resist it because this is how life is, isn't it? This becomes the current comfort zone and you will go through the same process if the current status quo were to change. No one thinks twice about the time and distance to the new Bangalore airport now. There are no discussions on the Airtel logo and we continue to be on facebook irrespective of how many changes they bring.

While these are trivial things the bigger changes in life too fall under the same process. Its all in the mind. The intelligent thing to do is to analyse what will change, why it will change and build your new world around that because frankly change is the only thing that keeps life exciting. Without things changing life would be so boring that we might as well just sleep through it!

The best way to end would be the quote from 'Forty Rules of Love' - Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?

World's Highest Bungy Jump

What makes someone jump from a height of 233 mtrs with a cord tied to their ankles? Why would someone put their life in danger and do a bungy jump? Bravery and Courage or Studpidity and Madness?

In my case it was a New Year Resolution and the fact that it can be done. I have always believed in attempting to push the limits of mental abilities. Fear, in my opinion, is a state of mind. It resides in your mind and can be overcome there.

When I got to know a few months back that we would be going to Macau for our Sales Kickoff I decided to do the Skywalk on the Macau Tower. It had been done by a close friend of mine and it seemed exciting. Then I got to know that the Macau Tower has the World's Highest Bungy Jump and I was hooked. This had to be done. I booked my slot and started getting myself psyched for it.

The day dawned gloomy, cold and foggy. I had an apointment at 11 and I had to be back at the hotel for a meeting by 12 noon. It was going to be close. I had a quick breakfast and decided to head out. Two of my colleauges, who were having breakfast with me, on hearing that I was going to do the bungy jump decided to come along for the spectacle. I landed at the Macau Tower by 10.30 in biting 8 degree cold. The tower looked deserted and one of my colleauges commented on whether it was even open. We took the elevator up to the 63rd floor of the tower and it was amazing to watch the ground fall beneath and the various features gets smaller and smaller. Stepping out it was very cold and windy but my mind was set.

In fact in hindsight I seemed to just go through the motions. I was clear that I wanted the package with the photos and video. After all there has to be proof that I did the jump! So this is what follows once you have paid and committed.

First you are asked to empty your pockets and everything else including your watch. You can pay a $20 deposit for a locker but I had my friends so they took the stuff. You are given a AJ Hackett bungy jump T Shirt to wear. You can then decide if you want a warm jacket from them for a security deposit of $100. Believe me I needed that. It was 8 degrees....brr! You are then taken to wear the harness which is tightened around you. You also change your shoes into one that they give you. You are then weighed with the harness et all and your weight is written on your left hand. This is for them to determine the kind of rope that they should use. Apparently each weight category has a different kind of rope to balance and manage the weight.

You then move into a 'jumpers area' and that's when it hits you and you are next in line or in my case first in line. It will really happen. The crew starts preparing the rope et all for the jump as you wait in the area. You are then called into the area where the equipment is being readied for the jump. You sit on a table and hold your legs out for them to tie your ankles together. Once that is done you are interviewed on video with questions ranging from where you are from to leaving a message for your family and friends before you jump. Now you are ready.....or are you? Post this the jump master explains to you what is going to happen. You will move to the edge, spread your arms and just lean over. As you reach the bottom of the jump there is small red cord that you pull. This will make you turn over from an upside down position to a sitting position and you will be lowered down. Really? Just like that? Its that simple?

You move to the ledge and they snap on the various hooks tying the ropes to the contraption. You move closer to the edge as they snap on the last hook. At this stage the question in my mind was what if this one snaps? They all look so fragile! But you have already committed to this jump. You are asked to move right at the edge and thats the balls-in-the-mouth moment. You look down and see the small tiny features on the ground. That's when you realise how high you really are. Are you ready to do this? The jump master asks you to look right and say hi to the camera. Then spread your arms.

When I was asked to do that I decided to look straight ahead. If you look down the mind registers the height and starts playing games in your head. Look straight ahead and the mind does not get time to register the height and the fear. I closed my eyes and when the countdown happened - 5...4...3...2...1.....I just leaned over letting go of all my fears.

The sensation after that is absolutely awesome. Wind in your face, the feel of gravity, the ground coming towards you and absolute exhiliaration. Its really great and you realise that you have conquered your fear and have actually jumped. There really is no way to explain the feeling. You have to experience it yourself.

As I reached the bottom of my jump I just couldn't find the cord to pull. It took me some time but I found it, pulled and my harness made me into a sitting position. I was lowered down and I HAD DONE IT! I had done the World's Highest Bungy Jump! YooHoooooooo! :)

While the mental preparation takes a long time, the jump lasts all of 10 seconds but its an out of this world experience! If you get a chance, do it! Conquer you fear!

Day 13 - What are you afraid of?

Its an interesting thought that philosophical questions like this seem to have different answers across the years. When asked at a particular point in life the answer seems to reflect the deepest insecurities at that point. And these change with time.

I asked this question to a few friends recently and the answers varied from person to person. My closest friend was worried about growing old. She is a very health conscious lady and takes care of herself immaculately. She's extremely paranoid about putting on weight and is very focused on calories, oil, exercise and such stuff. I guess her fear comes from the fact that she thinks she will loose control on herself as she grows old. I think the interesting fact is that she will grow old gracefully and will live a long life because she is taking care of herself so well right now. Interesting, isn't it? She fears growing old but she will live long. My perspective anyway. While people like me who don't fear growing old will probably die before her.

Which brings me to.......well, me! :) What am I afraid of?

About 25 years back I was afraid of losing my parents and would have nightmares about it. What if I lost them in an accident? What would I do then?

About 15 years back I was afraid of my career going nowhere. I was drifting from one job to next as I could not see a stable career ahead of me. I then joined Times School of Marketing, fell in love, followed her to Bangalore and things changes for the better.

Today, I am most afraid of a premature death! Morbid, isn't it? But if my children read this sometime in the future they will know. Today I am most afraid that I will leave my family too soon. Things (touchwood) seem to be stable and I have a wonderful family. Today I want to be able to see that to its logical conclusion. I want to see my kids happy and settled. I want to see my kids married and having their children. I want to see my grand kids and play with them. I want to see my wife living a happy life. I want to be there to guide my children and help them along the way. I want to be with my friends and see them happy. I want to see them living their lives to a logical end. I want to grow old with my family and friends.

This is my fear today. I guess I should re-visit this question a couple of years later and answer it again. Maybe things would have changed by then.

Of course in between all these I am still afraid of flying insects and very afraid of losing friends and love!

What are you afraid of?