Forgiveness!

I just got off watching an episode called 'Damage Control' on Grey's Anatomy which for me thinking on this whole concept of Forgiveness. In the episode a young man closes his eyes for a second while driving and rams into an oncoming car injuring the family. While the father, mother and husband survive, the pregnant daughter dies in surgery but the child survives. The young man wants to apologise to the family for causing the grief.

The most poignant moment of the episode is when the father walks into the room where the young man, himself injured is lying just when he has heard the news of his daughter's death. The young man says "I'm sorry" and the father walks angrily to the bedside with his hand moving towards the young man's throat only to place it on his shoulder who breaks down crying profusely.

To forgive, they say, is divine. Forgive and forget, they say. Forgiveing, they say, gives you peace. But does it really? If someone has done you immense harm and affected your life in an adverse way, can you really forgive and live? I know the other side of the fence - harboring that hatred in your heart eats away at the very essesnce of existence and erodes your being. But how difficult is it to forgive someone who has harmed you immensely. Moving beyond the philosphical musings of the gurus and the quotable quotes, How easy is it to forgive?

I think the ease of forgiveness depends on the magnitude of the hurt and/or the closeness of the relationship. In every relationship you expect a certain degree of trust and response. You expect the person to behave in a particular manner mostly conducive to your well being. A best friend is supposed to help you and stand by you, a parent is supposed to love you unconditionally and help you succeed, your office friend is not supposed to bitch about you behind your back, a spouse is supposed to stand with you and support you.

When these 'regular' responses do not happen you feel hurt and that hurt translates into anger which converts into a wish to do the same harm. How easily you can nip that hurt in the bud and forgive that person determines the future of that relationship. But the forgiveness also depends on the level of your perceived hurt and that makes the decision very personal. It is futile to 'advice' someone on what they should forgive and how easily. It is also an insult to compare your act of forgiveness in a similar situation and tell the person to do the same. The best you can do is empathise with the person and guide them to a proper path. To forgive or not is that person's prerogative. But I digress......

The perception of hurt plays a very important part in the forgiveness quotient. You can easily forgive your friend for going to a movie without you, may take some time to forgive the same friend if he happens to bitch about you behind your back and may take many many years to forgive the same friend if he hurts a close family member in an adverse manner. Take the same situation and you may forgive that friend easily if he hurt some far family member that you may not have liked that much but may never forgive him if he hurt your parent or sibling. The perception of hurt and the closeness of the relationship determines the ease of forgiveness. How easy would it be to forgive your spouse if they had a relationship out of you?


While I do largely agree that forgiveness is the best thing to do, I also think that no one has the ability to tell me how easy it should be for me unless they have faced the same situation.

I am sure you've forgiven a lot of people in your lives for small issues, maybe even some people for things that hurt you to some extent but I hope you and I never have to face a situation like the father in the episode. I am not sure how I would react to that kind of a situation. To me, that is almost like the ultimate forgiveness that you could give and it requires tremendous will power and ability to accept what life throws at you. I hope I never face that kind of a situation in my life!

Friendship Trip!

The best cliche on friendship that I have heard says that if you are true friends with someone then you should be able to pick off a conversation where you last left it even if you meet the friend after many years. I have always wondered if friendship should be measured on that parameter at all! If you haven't been in touch with someone for a long time, is that person really your friend? Don't you make an extra effort to stay in touch with people who you care about - friends? 

But over the years I have experienced first hand the cliche as well. I usually go for a long time without talking to some people but when I do connect, it's like we never stopped talking. I find that very interesting and have come to realise that it probably amounts to comfort with that person more than anything else. You are comfortable in sharing your opinions, perspective and life events with a few people and it doesn't matter if it is done daily or after a long time. The only difference is that there is a lot of catching up to do in a short time. But even that is fun - you get to know new things about the friend.

I recently embarked upon one such 'catch-up' with part excitement and part trepidation. 

The three of us had been great friends and inseparable in college - known as the Three Musketeers in the final year. We roamed together, did our final project together and banked on each other to pull us through with our studies. Like every group we had the genius (Kaushal Mehta) , the late lateef (Shivraj Yadav)  and the average joe (yours truly). Post college we all stayed in touch for some time but then life took us in separate paths and we started talking to each other rarely at first and over birthdays and new years later. But the best part was that it didn't seem to matter. Whenever we would touch base it would be like old times. So we decided to meet and have a reunion in the year of our 40th birthday. We planned, we booked and we were on our way to meet up.

But questions niggled at the back of my mind - as I am sure it did in theirs - Would we be able to relate to each other? Would our thoughts and outlook to life have changed dramatically? Are we being nostalgic and will we have to make an effort to find the Three Musketeers of long gone age? Or would we 'live the cliche'? This trip would test our friendship - make it stronger or break it apart?

We had all met with each other separately and had connected nicely but would we connect again as a group? The aha moment for the trip started right at the beginning - our late lateef was late to come to the airport itself arriving almost at the last moment. In essence that set the tone for the reunion as we realised that passage of years, receding hairline and increasing midsection does not change the basic nature of people and different nature of friends balances the group out perfectly. 

As we reached our destination, our intrinsic natures emerged and we were back to college years. It was a revelation to know that while we remained the same, we had changed as well. The Genius was just as well organised but had started to open up and share his thoughts, The Late Lateef was just as disorganised and late but was at a cross road with a serious issue and wanted support while The Average Joe had become adventurous and was still giving unsolicited advice! The three day trip turned out to be a re-connection and just made the bond stronger. The risk was that it may not have gone that way and could have strained the friendship.

I would recommend everyone to 'make the trip' with your friends and test the strands. It can make the bonds stronger.

I have rediscovered my link and wavelength with Mehta and Shivraj. Guys, thanks for being my friends and we should make the trips more often!!!

Kamal - Strength of Character

A few years back I spoke about the strength of Mind over Body and wondered if I would have the mental strength if I were to face a dire situation. Another such example hit me in the face recently.

What would you do if you had a good life going and then lost your young son to disease and new born to doctor's error? If your happy life collapsed around you? Would you accept help from friends to pick yourself up or would you try to live your life with dignity and then pick yourself up? Would you wallow in sorrow and waste your life or would you have the strength to carry on and lead life in whatever form?

This is a story of one such man who chose one particular path.

Kamal fell in love and married a girl against the wishes of his and her parents. His parents felt that they had been insulted many times by the girl's father because they were right but he accepted his son's choice. Kamal worked as a customer exec in a shipping firm, stayed with his family, had a son and was leading a normal content life. He was a doting involved father taking care of his son and getting immense love in return. His son's smile and hugs wiped away all his sadness.

At 2-1/2 his son was diagnosed with stage three brain tumor and his world collapsed. His family collapsed in tears, acrimony and blame game from both sides. In one such discussion he told his family to cry once and then give him support as he could not deal with the grief and acrimony on a daily basis. That discussion led him to leave his house with his ill son while his family did not stop him. He was now running pillar to post with his son, dealing with his family and his grief. He quit his job to make the last few days of his son's life happy and to build his memories. In all this his wife was expecting their second child.

The child was healthy, in fact overweight, and all seemed OK. Kamal wanted the delivery to happen in his city but she wanted to go home to her mother. Kamal reluctuntly agreed. Her mother, inspite of having the best facilities, admitted her daughter in a government hospital for delivery. The interns there decided to wait for a normal delivery inspite of the baby being large and the first one being a C-section. The baby died in the womb and the uterus burst. Kamal had lost his second child and his wife lost the ability to have any more children to negligence and ego. When Kamal got to know he rushed there, checked her out of the hospital and admitted her in a private hospital where she stayed for almost a month.

Kamal was not a lonely soul with no family, no money, no happiness and no future. What would you do at this stage? That is where the strength of character shows!

Kamal went to his friend, almost his brother-from-another-mother, who had a taxi business and asked to be hired. His friend and his family told him that they would loan him money to buy a taxi of his own and Kamal could pay them whatever and whenever he wanted. Kamal had reached a fork in his life and had a choice. On one route was Sympathy, the easy route out. If he took that route he would live his life in emotional debt and succumb to people's help, never able to stand on his own. The other route of Dignity as the difficult one. He would have to dig deep in his character, refuse help and learn to stand on his own again. Kamal asked to be hired as a driver like any other driver. And that's what he became - a tentative driver - driving happy people around but living in his own shell. He gained experience as a driver and after some time left his friend's agency and that city to start life as an experienced driver.

Kamal is ever smiling, ever helpful and one of the best people that I have met. He is one of those guys who make you feel comfortable and secure. You would feel that his life must be so happy outside work because he excudes such happiness in his twinkling eyes and smiling face. If you meet Kamal you will never know this side of his life. Kamal's dream is to save enough money and buy a cab of his own so that he can become independent. Who is he and how do I know this story?

Kamal is my favourite Avis cab driver. I always ask for him even before I got to know this story. After knowing his story, my respect for him has gone up many many level. If I have even an iota of the strength of character that he has, I would be a secure man!

A salute to you, my friend! And a prayer that you find happiness!

2012 Goals

Its time to welcome 2012 with open arms, hug it, kiss it and set goals for the year. What do we wish to accomplish this year? What changes need to made in the physical and mental world to tide over whatever the year has to offer?

It always helps to set goals for the year so that you have a path to map. I've done it over the last two years - Resolutions 2010 & 2011 - which have helped me to evaluate myself in a much more objective manner.

And so here are my Resolutions for 2012. This time I have decided to keep them simple and measurable.

1. WRITE MORE: At least 15 book blogs and 50 personal blogs for the year. Get one story published in some form - print or web.
2. DO LESS: Specific to a friend who will understand.
3. LEARN GOLF: Start this at least this year.
4. ONE ADVENTURE EXPERIENCE: Everest Base Camp Trek or something else.
   
5. REDUCE BELLY: Shave off at least 2" from waist.
   
6. HOLIDAY: Two learning & relaxing holidays with family. One with friends.
   
7. DO MORE: More of charity work. More of charity contributions. Give back some more.
8. LEARN: Something new - language, course related to work etc.
   

So there, plain and simple are the 8 resolutions for 2012.

What are yours?

2011 - A Retrospect

And so one more year rolls by in the journey of life. Another year of happiness, sadness, angst, euphoria, smiles, tears and experiences. 2011 was an uneventful year in terms of extreme highs or depressing lows and I am thankful to God for that. An uneventful year is a year well spent because if gives you peace and contentment. It does not stress you and gives you time to spend with yourself. That does not mean, of course, that interesting things did not happen in the year - on the contrary, there were a lot of things that happened this year.

The start of the year was with a bit of stress - stress of the job I was doing and wondering where I am headed in the organisation. While I loved working in Citrix, I was not enjoying my work and so getting a bit stressed about it. Thankfully another door opened and I moved into a different role which has given me immense learning and a good stress. I enjoy my work, love my organisation and can see growth prospects in the role.

The middle of the year saw the GMC's long cherished dream of a holiday coming true. We finally went to Singapore as a group in May. We planned, we holiday-ed, we had fun, we got to know each other a lot better and we survived. For me the holiday was an eye-opener in terms of getting to know the others. My feelings for one got stronger, my feelings for another got weaker and my feelings for the third the same. But, yes, we did have a lot of fun together and may do another holiday soon. Ruchi moved out to Mumbai and the group dynamics of GMC changed completely. With a disjointed extension the group no longer meets as often though we speak to each other seperately. We realised that we need to put in more effort now to keep the group together.

The later part of the year saw my parents shifting base from Delhi to Mumbai and that was an interesting experience. It was nostalgic in terms of packing and un-packing stuff, things that we used to do so very often when we were kids. After a stay of over 15 years, my parents let go of a lot of inconsequential things in Delhi and moved their life to Mumbai and Hyderabad - a monumental move at their age and stage of life. A lot of respect for them.

On a personal front, I jumped twice this year - once from the top of a tower in Macau (Bungee) and once from a plane in San Francisco (Skydiving). That has got my adventure buds tingling and I want to do one adventure every year. I've started planning for a Trek to Everest Base Camp for 2012 - lets see if it happens. The year ended on a not-to-good a note as I hurt a close friend - something that I never intended to do. That made me resolve to try not to do that in 2012, back off and not put too much pressure on the friend for this relationship.

And so its time to re-look at the 2011 resolutions made at the beginning of the year and see how we fared. So here goes:

1. STAY HEALTHY: Make sure that I use the gym at least 50% of the time i.e 183 days at least. Why 50%? Because I travel a lot and because weekends are off-limits. {Used much less but thankfully did not gain too much weight}.
2. STAY HAPPY: Try to reduce stress as much as possible. Remember nothing in life is worth stressing about. {Overall was a happy year}
   
3. BE A GOOD FRIEND: Unobtrusive, always at hand, helpful, lending a shoulder. Try not to loose a friendship. Be open in thoughts. Do not judge anyone. {Undecided. Was obtrusive but good on other counts. Must ask Sowmya to rate this one}
   
4. BE A GOOD HUSBAND & FATHER: Take care of the family. Do not be a cause of stress to wife and kids. Be helpful to kids and stand by them. Try to inculcate good values in them through practice and not preaching. {Fairly OK}
   
5. TRY NEW THINGS: Push the limits of experience. Try new things - be they food or experiences. Bungee Jumping and Sky Diving are two things I want to do this year. {Definite Yes, both done}
   
6. LEARN GOLF: This is a unfulfilled resolutions carried over from last year. Its a great game and teaches one a lot of patience and focus. Try to learn golf. {Carried over & Carry Over}
   
7. HAVE MORE HOLIDAYS: Learn to relax and chill. Try to have at least 1 holiday every quarter with family and friends. {Between Singapore, Kolkata and others - this was OK}
   
8. BUILD A BRAND: Build a brand for myself. Try to see if I can use my experience and knowledge to build a name for myself. Try to speak on marketing at colleges and events - at least 6 speaking opps this year. Try to blog on marketing on a popular site - at least 12 blogs in the year. {This was a no-go from the time I changed my job}
   
9. BLOG MORE: Continue blogging on this and my other blog. While the Book Review blog is active based on the books that I read, this blog has suffered. I want to try and cross 150 blogs on this blog - thats 70 blogs in 365 days. {Book Review was OK but Pensieve suffered big time. Must do better though I crossed 100 blogs finally}
   
10. EDUCATE MYSELF: Identify the gaps in my skill sets and undergo training to fill those gaps. These could be executive education or sessions in that particular skill set. Constantly try to learn new skills and things. Keep the brain active. More importantly use those skills in daily life - professional or personal. {Carried Over & Carry Over}
    
11. PUBLISH SOMETHING: Try to get my writing published. Could be a book, an article, a story, a letter but try and see if my writing can be spread wider. {Got my blogs published but then it was a self-publishing exercise}

Thank you for 2011 and time to look forward to 2012! Adios 2011!

Value perception of a Gift

'Its the thought that matters' is a oft used line when one gets a gift - the assumption being that the gifter has given enough thought to the likes and dislikes of the giftee to make this the perfect representation of what the giftee would love and swoon over. But have you noticed that this line is usually used when the 'swooning' does not happen. If the giftee really loves the gift, the eyes sparkle, the face lights up, the smile widens and a bear hug usually follows or at least a heartfelt Thank you. If none of the above happens and you get this line from the giftee - rest assured the gift was not liked that much but the giftee is too polite to say it.

Let's be frank among friends - isn't that the truth? How many times have you used this line on someone when you were not too pleased with the gift but had to show that you were.

A very basic core emotion of humans is satisfaction which comes from materialistic things. We put a value to all things that we experience in life. Our perception of the value may differ from someone else's but we do put a value on 'it' and IT also includes gifts that we get from time to time. When we get an unexpected gift or when we get a gift we really wanted and love, we show our emotions much more easily because we have put tremendous value on that gift. The 'Value Quotient' is very high.

This dichotomy between value and thought hit home recently on two diverse occasions. I am a strong believer in the 'thought' process of gifting i.e to gift a unique thing to close people after giving it considerable thought. I have gifted things like a bar game to people who enjoy drinks, a unique ash tray to friends who smoke, a framed group photo with messages from all the friends and some more.

For one of my friend I have been gifting these unique gifts over a period of time. Some of the gifts have been expensive and sometime not but each gift had a thought process, a reason and effort behind making it. In my perception the VQ was high but not for my friend. This year I gave my friend a branded product - something where I put a thought but low effort. The reaction was interesting as the friend thought that I had 'upped' the bar this year with the gift. For my friend, this gift had a high VQ!

At the other end, I recently gave another friend a unique customised pair of shoes where I put a lot of thought into the design, the colour scheme, the message, the type of shoe and followed up with the artist to get it done. For me the VQ was extremely high for this gift. When I showed it to some other people though for them the statement was 'You are gifting a shoe'? It just hit me that the VQ for my friend may not be that high for the gift.

At the end of the day all of us value the percieved monetory aspect of the gift rather than the thought given to the gift and that's a reality. In 2012, lets make a resolution to try and get beyond that.

When you get a gift, look at the thought process behind the gift and not the monetory value. If you say - 'Its the thought that matters' - mean it!

910603234300000

No, this is not someone's phone number or mobile number or a bank account number. This is, apparently, the total amount of money that the country has lost due to corruption at a larger scale. The figures may vary but we cannot dispute the fact that this is a significant amount lost for the people - money that could have been put to a good use for our betterment, if not for the greed of a few people.

At the cost of sounding unpolitical and making a drastic statement, I condone but understand the small time corruption of a few hundred rupees done by the policeman for letting you go for a traffic violation or the clerk for making your file 'move faster' but I don't understand the multi-crore rupees scam that a few people indulge in! I do agree that at one level its the same virus of corruption albeit at a much larger scale but don't the people who initiate these kinds of scams realise that the fallout of that is immense? Yes, for every few scams unearthed and the people caught, there could be many more still hidden in our country but isn't the whole media glare and ignomity of being paraded naked of all reputation enough for the others to get scared? Or is the lure of immense wealth so strong that people still indulge in these scams? Have scams become a part of our culture? And have we as people become immune to it?

Didn't this clerk realise that he would get caught or did he think that if he did he could 'bribe' himself out of it? The other thing that I find difficult to fathom is that these indivuduals who scam the government and us cannot enjoy their money openly anyway! If they do, they risk getting caught - so what fun is amassing wealth that you cannot use? Is it for their children? And when they get caught and their reputation is tarnished? Would their children be happy? I guess the question is how much is enough? Once the corruption virus enters your psychology when does it let go? Or does it at all?

I guess the DNA for people who are corrupt and aren't is different. We must aim to inculcate some simple values in our children - in the next generation.

• Money is not everything - its just something to help you live the way you want to happily.
• Having more money does not mean that you are smart. Give them examples of Harshad Mehta, Telgi, Katta, Kalmadi.
• Money cannot buy you respect. That has too be earned and you earn it by doing the right things.
  

I read this brilliant article in HBR - Money and the meaning of life - that reflects a lot of thoughts that I have about the importance of money in ours lives. Greed should not be the motivator for money.