Day 36 - ममता और बापता

A lot is always said of a mother's love for a child। A mother is always connected to the child and children will always go to their mother for advice first. A mother feels the pain of the child and knows instinctively when the child is in trouble or when the child is happy

And all that is true but I also think that the world is unfair on fathers. No one ever talks about a father's love for his child. Or at least very few do. So here are my two bits about it.

For mothers its easy to feel love for their child. They bear the child, they grow (if that's the right word) child, they nurture the child and they feel connected to the child for nine months inside them. Its like getting a 100 mtr head start in a 400 mtr race. As the child grows in them, they feel the first heart beats, they feel the first kicks and they get to know what the child likes and dislikes though the child's reactions inside them. There is little wonder then that the mother knows her child better than anyone else. When the child is born there is another, at least 4 - 5 months, of dependency on the mother. The mother feeds it and rears it with its own milk making the child healthier. The baby gets to feel the warmth of the mother and gets to hear the mother's voice at all times. So even when the race starts the mother has already pulled ahead another 100 mtrs in the baby's mind. From -9 to +4, that's almost 13 months, the baby knows, understands and feels only the mother.

Let's go to the other side now. As a father we really have no contribution to make after the baby is conceived. Our job is done and we have nothing to say in the matter of the baby. All we have to do now is ensure that the mother is happy. Yes, we do feel the baby's kicks but really those are few and far in between - nothing as compared to the constant feeling that the mother has. We can talk to the baby but even those times are limited as we are at work far away from the baby as he/she is growing up in the womb. The baby has already formed a relationship of voice and kicks with the mother and the baby doesn't even know who we are. When the baby is born, again we have no contribution to make other than maybe put the baby to bed when it been fed by the mother. We are at work while the mother is forming an even stronger bond with the baby. We, fathers, have to work at forming a relationship with our own baby.

While the mother has already formed a strong relationship with the baby due to proximity and need, we have to work extra hard to form that relationship and make the baby realise that we are an integral part of their lives as well. The toughest part is that as men we are not used to this. We are basically a lazy part of the homosapien species (or at least we have become now - the cavemen used to hunt so couldn't have been that lazy) and its in our basic firmware to shirk responsibility. Leave us to our devices and we will not do any work. Its only a few of us who really like to clean and swab and wash and do all those nice things. So it really does take a lot of effort from our side to form that relationship with our kids. We have to work at it and while it takes time, it also makes us feel insecure. I mean, why should we need to work at forming a relationship with our own children? But we do and that's the reality.

So my advice to all the new mothers out there is to involve your husbands in the process of child bearing. Let them hold the child from the beginning. Let them feel the fragility of the child and marvel at the fact when their tiny hand curl around our big finger. Let the fathers feed the child and clean the child and let the child form a relationship with their father. Leave the child and the father alne sometimes and let them deal with each other.

Most importantly realise that we have to make an effort while you do not. So give us that respect and treat us well when we try our best to form the relationship.

In the long run, that is what will help the family! ममता भगवन की देन है , बापता बनानी पड़ती है !