Day 62 - The most successful marraiges are based on lies

I just read this quote recently and thought - Wow, this is like opening a can of worms. It's a perfect example of an absolutely un-political statement. Try making this statement at a party and see how you get lynched for it!!

Marriages are based on trust. The partners must trust each other, believe in each other and have faith on each other. Transparency is the key to earning the trust. When you share your thoughts, your feelings and your past with your partner, the relationship becomes stronger. A daily ritual for a successful marriage must involve sitting together at the end of the day and sharing information about the day. By involving your partner and investing that time in the relationship you will get to understand each other better and learn to love each other more. Truth, Trust, Transparency & Time are probably the four cornerstones of a successful marriage.


Really? A poster for marriage and all books probably talk the same lines as above. But how much of truth is there in these lines? Is complete and absolute truth and transparency a basic requirement of a long term successful marriage? After 11+ years of marriage I believe that most successful marriages are based on lies.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't mean the blatant lies where you are having an affair or are a closet murderer. No, I mean small white lies. Every relationship - and that includes the 'ultimate' one of marriage as well - is based on small white lies. White lies are the ones you say to make someone happy and those that don't hurt anyone outright.

If you don't like her mother coming to your house every few days, don't go and be transparent about it. Telling a small white lie there will only help the relationship. The answer to the question "Do I look fat in this?" can NEVER be a truth. A lie is needed and necessary to answer that question. If you are with your wife and happen to notice a beautiful buxom woman passing by and she catches you, a white lie is needed there - not the truth and transparency. There are many such situations where those four pillars - or three of them at least - are not the ones to follow. Reality does not go by the good sounding poster lines. Reality is always grey and lies somewhere in between.

We are intrinsically liars at heart, at least most of us are. We tend to be diplomatic when faced with situations that can potentially lead into fights. We tend not to like people who are outspoken and always tell the truth or call a spade a spade. So why should we be open, transparent and truthful in our most private and closest relationship? We all tend to lie in our marriages as well but the key is to what extent and on what topics or situations. A successful marriage is determined by that. Do we call our wife beautiful even when she is putting on a bit more weight? Do we tell her that we love her family even if there are some members we could strangle? Do we tell her we are stuck in a traffic jam when maybe this time we left the offive party a bit late? Just some of the white lies.

There are certain things best left untold and in our hearts rather than in the open. I am sure even today our parents have a few secrets that they have kept from each other. I believe that most successful marraiges are based on small harmless white lies.