To charity or not?

So here's a question that has been troubling me for some time now.

Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Vinod Khosla and a whole lot of wealthiest individuals and families in America decided to commit to give the majority of their wealth to the philanthropic causes and charitable organizations of their choice either during their lifetime or after their death. You can see all those 'donations' on 'The Giving Pledge'.

And then they decided to come to India to ask Indian noblesse to contribute their wealth. When they didn't get a great response the Indian media started to take them to task. And that's what has been troubling me. Is that right? Do the rich have to contribute their wealth? Is that an obligation or should it come from the heart? Are we right to judge those that decide not to contribute?

The answer to this debate gets into the realm of morality and capitalism v/s socialism. In our mass Indian culture, capitalism or the need to amass wealth is looked at with scorn. In line with our spiritual perception we are supposed to be altruistic in nature and also, incidentally, politically right and diplomatic. We are not supposed to flaunt our wealth and people who remain 'the same' inspite of being wealthy are rewarded with kind words and good image as compared to people who 'flaunt' their wealth. Don't believe me? Tell me what you think of Azim Premji or Narayan Murthy and now what do you think of Mukesh Ambani. Believe me now?

Coming back to the topic I have three views on the questions that I raised.

View 1: In US of A, the kids leave the house at 18 and are supposed to make a life of their own. In fact old age homes are a neccesity and taken for granted. Parents take care of themselves and go to an old age home. In such a scenario the thinking is more for yourself as compared to your kids. You have to first take care of yourself. If after that you have money left over, I guess you are at a liberty to think of giving away that wealth for a good cause and indulge in philantrophy. In India we start our lives thinking about ourselves and when we have kids we start living for them. All our success and wealth is tuned towards how we can take care of our children to the best of our ability till we die. We amass wealth to an extent to try and ensure that our children will live a happy life in case they are not able to find success that we did. If they do then they continue to grow the wealth for their kids. It is assumed that our children will take care of us in our old age and hence we do not make 'arrangements' for ourselves. In such a situation the wealth that we are earning is for our children and hence probably the low levels of obvious philantrophy.

View 2: Usually when you have wealth that people think you should share, you have worked very hard to get that wealth. Even if its ancestral if you have grown it, you have worked hard to do that. So I assume one would like to enjoy the wealth that one has worked hard for. If a Mukesh Ambani decides to build an Atilla, why not? he's worked for it. If I buy a new car every few years, I've worked hard to be able to do that. I believe that a person has a right to decide how he/she wants to spend the money that they have worked hard for and we have no right to judge someone who does not do blatant philantrophy.

And View 3: Philantrophy or charity is something that must come from the heart. It cannot be forced on you. Either you want to do it or you don't want to. You don't put a spotlight on someone and ask them to be philantrophic. At the same time, I believe that charity and philantrophy should not be spoken about. If you really believe in it and want to do it, you should do it quietly. Its not something to garner publicity from.

A recent article in Sunday Times resonated with my thinking in some ways and got to pen my thoughts down. You can read more about that here.

So there, at the present time these are my thoughts. Maybe these will change over time. I am sure a lot of you will disagree with some of my views and maybe some of you will agree.

For me charity or philantrophy must come from the heart and must be something that you do for yourself, not to tell others.

Skydiving: An amazing adventure!

What makes someone jump from a plane at 13,000 ft? Are they out of their mind? Don't they think about the risks involved?

Because it can be done!

I guess that's what seperates the people who do it from the people who don't. If you recall two of my resolutions for 2011 was Bungee Jump and skydiving. I did the world's highest bungee in Macau in Jan and today I did skydiving. What an experience! What a rush!

When I got to know that I will be coming to San Francisco, I started to do my web research for skydiving. I knew that the best place to do skydiving is in US, given the safety standards and processes that they will follow. I narrowed it down to some and decided that I will do it on the weekend prior to my conference. But the joy of meeting my friend after 10 years was enough for the weekend. I had all but given up hope to do skydiving on my current trip. Then I was mentioning this to my boss - Sanjay Deshmukh - and he said why not?

So across 25th May we called some spots around the area, finalised on one and booked our slot for 9am next morning at Skydance Skydiving in Davis, CA. Sanjay went on to hire a car and we left at 6.30am on a bright sunny morning on 26th May from our hotel. Sanjay drove and I accompanied him, as the sweet voice on the Garmin GPS gave us directions from Hilton Hotel in SFO to Yolo County in Davis, CA. We got there by 8am even before the place had opened. There were two young guys in line before us for the 8am slot and then it was us. So what happens now?

Well let me switch the narration style here. Skydance Skydiving is a cute little place in the middle of a picturesque county in CA surrounded by hills and beautiful plains. You first sign up for the package that you wish to take. You have a choice of 9000 ft, 13000 ft and 18000ft - the last one being with oxygen. The 9000ft jump gives you a free fall of 30 seconds, the 13000 one of 60 seconds and the 18000 one - well we didn't look at that. You pay extra if you want photos and video. We decided on the 13000ft with photos and videos package and it cost us US$ 305. The interesting part is that you pay the amount to the center, she then takes two small envelopes, places some money in it and marks one to be given to the tandem instructor and one to the video guy. So we asked why? Apparently the instructors and the video guy are freelance consultants and for the process to be followed they have to be paid by us. So the small cute little envelopes with money in them. Anyway you are also given a small coupon to redeem for your free T-Shirt.

You are then taken to a small room with lots of chairs and clip boards with forms and pen stuck on them. You are shown a video of skydiving and explained all the horrible things that can happen and that you are signing up for all possibilities. Wow, they show you this after you have paid the money, smart! Anyway you sign the forms and give it to the instructor. He then tells you what the next process will be.

You are explained that you will be given a jump suit and a harness to wear. When you are in the plane you will sit on your instructor's lap as he harnesses himself to you so that both of you are tightly clasped. You are harnessed at the shoulder and hip level with multiple harnesses and clasps. When you reach the altitude your instructor will slide along the plane to the door. Your feet will be dangling down the door and your hands will be holding your harness at the shoulder. You then place your head back on your instructor's shoulder, turn right and give a big smile to the video guy. And then you are off. As you fall off the door you must arch your back as much as possible and turn you legs back on to your instructor's ass. This is the position you keep through the free fall. The instructor also deploys a small parachute to slow the speed of fall. Once stabilised the instructor will tap you on your shoulder and you can then move your hands around. At 7500 ft he will show you the altimeter and guide your hand to the orange ball that holds the main chute. At 6500 ft you yank on it to deploy the main parachute. Then you just glide to the ground and enjoy the view. Remember all this is being explained to you on the ground in a small room before you have even worn your harness. So you smile and show that you are excited.

Then you wait till your name gets called. They had only two intructors when we got there and the two guys before us went first. We were now committed and there was no backing out. Sanjay and me watched as the plane took off with the first batch and then followed the descent to the ground. And then our names were called.

We met the first guys in the hanger and they were pumped with excitement. We, on the other hand, were wondering what we got ourselves into. We got introduced to our instructors or tandem guy - Garon for me. We wore the blue suit and the harness and practiced the procedure one more time. The video guy was there and he took my video before the airplane. We then got in with fake bravado smiles and we were off. As we reached 6000 ft, Sanjay and me looked at each other and exchanged a glance that we were only half way up and already we could see nothing down. Sanjay went first and then it was my turn.

Garon slid along the length of the small aircraft and before we knew it we were at the door with my feet dangling down. At that time my thinking and processing brain shut down. I was in the zone and was not thinking about what I was about to do or the associated risks. I placed my head on Garon's shoulder, turned right, smiled for the camera and with a sway or two we JUMPED! What the......!!

The first five seconds your brain does not process what has happened. Then it kicks in and you enjoy the rush. What a fantastic feeling. You are falling to the earth, the wind rushing to your face, twisting your cheeks, gravity pulling you down, the cold air numbing your fingers but the adrenaline rush is overpowering. As the video guy comes around you are smiling, waving, making signs and having a hell of a lot of fun. Its an experience that cannot be described. Each person will have their own twist to it. For me it was a serene, out-of-body experience. The earth was far far below, the clouds were around me and I was actually doing this! I looked around taking in the perspective from this height. But just as you start to enjoy the ride, its time to pull the chute. One moment you are falling and the next you have been pulled back and are in a standing posture. Frankly at that time it seems to you that it ended too soon. I wanted more of the free fall. I want more!

Once the chute is pulled it is a more easy glide. I tried my hand at the parachute as well for some time but then gave the controls to the instructor and just sat back and enjoyed the ride. It was absolutely beautiful. At this stage your brain is still processing the free fall that you had just experienced. As you near the earth the instructor asks you to raise your legs and he slides along the ground to a perfect landing. You are unharnessed and you shout and scream at the awesome fantastic thing you just experienced.

For a few moments after that I just stood there and realised that I had jumped from a plane at 13000ft, fallen for 60 seconds and then come back to earth safe and sound. Would I want to do it again? Absolutely! And this was all thanks to Sanjay Deshmukh!

So why did I do it? To push myself. To push the mental blocks. To make my kids realise that you should not fear new experiences. To say that I DID SKYDIVING! In your face, dudes!

Security & Suspicion: A Mugging Story!

I had seen it in Hollywood movies. I had read it in newspapers and novels. And I had wondered what would happen if I faced the situation. Well, I no longer need to wonder.

I got mugged in the US of A!

Well, we got mugged - a close friend of mine and I. And this didn't happen in the late evening or night. Neither did it happen in a lonely downtown area where we should not have been at all.

At around 3 in the afternoon, my friend and I walked close to where the car was parked after a good walk and lunch at Fisherman's Wharf - the most happening and crowded place in San Francisco area. As we neared our car, my friend was on his phone talking to his wife. He had his Nikon D50 DSLR slung on his right shoulder and I was just behind him. The street between the two junctions was empty of poeple - a small lull on that otherwise busy street. At both the junctions there were people. Suddenly we saw this young black kid - about 15 yrs old, 5ft 2in maybe, wearing a black jacket and a black cap - grab the camera strap and yelling "Give me the camera. Give me the camera". For about 10 seconds both my friend and me wondered why he wanted the camera and I was about to ask him what he was doing. Then our eyes went down and we saw a grey semi-automatic gun in his hand. It was hidden at his waist but clearly visible. We both thought that maybe it was a fake gun but this being US of A, he opened up his arms and the kid grabbed the camera. My friend was still on his phone and the kid said "Give me your phone as well". My friend and me were absolutely blank and just stared at his face. We moved back a couple of steps and the kid just bolted with the camera shoving the gun into his jacket pocket.

My friend and I looked at each other and suddenly woke up from a trance. We were both wondering what happened a few seconds back and suddenly realised that we had been robbed. We had been mugged in broad daylight at a most busy place by a young black kid with a gun. We had had a gun pointed at us and had survived. We were shaken and completely disturbed. We started discussing how we knew the gun was a fake and how we could have overpowered the young kid. Then slowly reality sunk in and we realised that this was US of A where people have been shot for lesser things. This was a black kid with a gun with nothing to lose. He ran away with the camera but he could easily have shot one of us and ran away as well. No one would have stopped him then either. Could we or should we have taken a chance that this was not a real gun? Should we have wrestled with him and risk getting randomly shot by a young guy who was probably scared and trigger happy? If we had wrestled him were his other gang members around who would have come to his rescue? We realised we had done the right thing.

My friend then called 911 and within minutes a cop car was there. The cops took the description of the kid and the event, sent a despatch across to HQ which I assume went to all other cars nearby, gave us a case number and apologised to me when I told them that I was a visitor. But me and my friend were completely shaken.

I am now a suspicious man in the US. I am a worried man about my own security. When we were waiting for a cop car to get to us, I locked the car doors and was looking with suspicion at a young woman who was waiting near our car. The street was a but deserted again for a few seconds before the junction signals changed but I was suspicious. We just went to a movie theater to see if we could catch a movie. We had waited in a slightly deserted parking lot of a mall as he searched on his phone for a nearby theater where the tickets would be available. After a few minutes I saw two people walking and a few cars coming into the parking lot. I asked my friend to screw the movie and just start moving the car. I was paraniod wondering if those people walking the street or those cars at 1130pm were general folks or criminals.

This episode has left a bad taste in my mouth for USA. If we can get mugged in broad daylight with a gun then where are we safe in this country? If a gun is in the hands of a 15yr old kid whose sole intention is to rob then what safety are we talking about in the developed country of USA? Thankfully it was just my friend and I without his family. What if his kids were with us and this guy would have pointed a gun at my friend's kid?

I no longer feel secure in USA and unfortunately I will now view every black man and kid with suspicious eyes and set perception in my mind. This is the most unfortunate backlash of this experience.

Now I just want to go home to my 'safe' India. At least I won't get robbed at gun point on busy M.G.Road at 3 in the afternoon - however 'bad' my country may be!

Power in a Relationship

"The Power in a relationship lies with the one who cares less" says Michael Douglas in 'Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past'.

This was a very intriguing statement and got me thinking. Was it really true? If you care less about a particular relationship, do you control that relationship? Sad as it may sound, I realised that it might be true!

When you are not that invested in a relationship, when it doesn't make a difference to you if the relationship works or not, you control the flow of the relationship. The balance between the one who is indifferent and the one to whom it matters the most is quite evident and skewed. And this is true in any relationship - whether its friendship, its a project team, its work related or its love.

In fact in love there is a corollary statement to this. It is said that you should marry the one who loves you as compared to marrying the one you love. The thought being that in this case the onus of making the relationship work is one the one who does the 'loving' or in other words the one who cares a lot for the relationship. The Power equation is clear and called out.

In fact the popular serial "How I met your mother" has an episode on this called 'The Hook' in which Barney proves that everyone has a hook - a person that they keep around just so that they can feel better. In life you have a hook and are a hook for someone.

I've been on both sides of the equation. I've had someone as a hook, was someone who was loved, was the one with Power in that relationships since it really didn't matter to me if that worked or not, I did not treat the person with the respect she deserved. I'm not proud of that because I am sure I hurt her a lot when I ended it.

I have also been on the other side as well - where I was the hook, I was the one doing the loving and I was the one who was under the Power in the relationship. It doesn't feel good. It gets frustrating because you hope that the person realises how much you love her and loves you back. Sometimes it does, sometimes it just doesn't.

So what do you do? Here is my submission.

If you are the one who holds the Power, if you are the one who is loved, if you are the one who has the hook - just treat the person who is loving you with respect. Treat them well and show them that they are special and that you value that love, though you may not be able to love them back in that manner.

If you are the one who is under the Power, if you are the one doing the loving, if you are the one on the hook - you have a choice. Either you can continue to love the person and hope. Or you can decide to walk away and give yourself a break. There is no right answer because love is not something that you can measure and take a call. Its just there. There are times when you will love that person for a long time and continue to hope. I just hope that the person listens to the para on top.

Love Is Strange!

Love, Sex aur Dhoka

No, I am not reviewing the movie by the same name but rather taking the context to espouse about a topic that is very very controversial. Needless to say, unlike my other posts, this post won't find its way to my facebook page.

So the intent of this post is to get you to think and respond on "Is sex with person 2 while in love with person 1 considered a dhoka?" The clear obvious answer is Of Course, how could you ask a question like this? But this has intrigued me for some time.

Love is an emotional state of mind. When you identify with the person, when you overlook their flaws, when you are willing to do anything for the person, when you want to be with the person at all times, when you forgive their mistakes; that's when you reach an emotional state of mind called Love.

Sex, on the other hand, is a physical state of affair. Note that I do not call it a 'state-of-mind' because I don't believe it is. In its base form sex is a physical need that needs fulfillment. It is the core of lust and many a times has nothing to do with love.

Sex is also a natural progression into the physical realm of the emotional state of love. How do you show your love for a person? When you feel an overwhelming sense of love for a person, when you need to show it and shower the person with your feelings, it leads naturally into a physical form. But then its not called sex - its called love making! And it is the true representation of love. You do make physical the emotional state of love and hence love-making or making-love.

And therein lies the Catch22 situation. And I think the way that a man and a woman look at this part of the relationship. Most men compartmentalise sex and love-making into seperate sections. They love someone dearly and for them that is making love to the person. At the same time most men are sexually driven and use sex as a means to fulfill that physical need. They don't look at sex and love-making in the same sense. They make-love to one person and have sex with someone else. That is the core reason for prostitution, in my view, among many other things. And maybe to some extent infidelity, although I think in their minds its infidelity.

For most of the women, sex is actually love-making. It is a natural progression post the emotional bonding. Women move towards the physical act only after achieveing the emotional bonding. Without the emotional bonding of love, there is no sex. In that sense when their man has sex outside of marriage it is cheating because in their minds how can the man have sex unless he is in love with her. That means he doesn't love me anymore. And its emotional cheating. I don't think (and I could be wrong) that their anger and feeling of loss is more on the emotional front (he loves someone else) rather than on the physical front (he had sex with someone else).

For women, Love (one) & Sex (with other) is Dhoka. For men, Love (one) & Sex (with other) is not Dhoka.

What is right and what is wrong? Truly? I don't know. I know the obvious answer but in truth I am not so sure!

Change

The Bangalore International Airport shifted 40 Kms away from the city and everyone was up in arms - its too far, we'll have to leave 5 hrs early, keep the current airport running and so on.

Airtel changed their logo and the social space in India went nuts taking it apart - it looks like a squiggle, what - this is called a logo?

Facebook introduced a new way to view photos and the buzz began again - I hate it, I want the earlier way back.

Why is CHANGE such a bad word? Our first involuntary reaction to change is always resistance and negative. We wishes things did not change and that everything remained the same always. Once we know how things work we want them to always be that way. Its easy to do the same job everyday, its easy to take the same route, do the same routine, watch the same programs, have the same relationships and you can extend that to almost any aspect of your life.

But change we do - from the moment we are conceived. We change in physical, mental and emotional status. We grow, we evolve, we learn, we adjust and we change. The fear of change seems to be linked to our growing consiousness. You change the settings for a child and the child seems to adjust easily to the new settings. As a parent have you given a thought on how you 'blame' the fact that you cannot change your house or job or city because your children will not be able to adjust? And have you realised that if you are forced to do that, the children adjust the most easily. They make their surroundings their own and form new relationships with the ecosystem.

As we grow older we seem to get 'set' in our ways. We get comfortable with the way things are and with the fact that we know how the world is supposed to work. We fear that if things are changed then we will lose the semblance of order and be thrust into chaos. We fear that we will be unable to deal with it and most of all we fear the loss of existing knowledge. We tend to become change-resistant with age. But resistance to change brings with it its own problems of stress, frustration and anger.

We sometimes tend to remain in the same job or relationship or city giving up seemingly better options because of this fear of change. I know what is needed of me in this job or I know how to deal with his/her emotions in this relationship or I know this city so well and I have friends etc etc that I am OK to let go of that 'better' alternative. But we also envy those who seem to take up those options and seem to do well compared to us. That gets us thinking if we would have been 'happier' if we had taken up that change option. Remember this is all a perception that could crop up.

For me change is a state of mind at that moment of time. If you are able to adjust to that change, the fact that changed becomes a part of your now daily life. Recall all those times when you resisted change but had to change. Do you recall why you resisted the change? Now it feels stupid that you had to resist it because this is how life is, isn't it? This becomes the current comfort zone and you will go through the same process if the current status quo were to change. No one thinks twice about the time and distance to the new Bangalore airport now. There are no discussions on the Airtel logo and we continue to be on facebook irrespective of how many changes they bring.

While these are trivial things the bigger changes in life too fall under the same process. Its all in the mind. The intelligent thing to do is to analyse what will change, why it will change and build your new world around that because frankly change is the only thing that keeps life exciting. Without things changing life would be so boring that we might as well just sleep through it!

The best way to end would be the quote from 'Forty Rules of Love' - Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?

Crazy / Cute in Love!

And so its the Love Season again. Valentine's day is around the corner and the world has turned pink with media, shops, websites all inciting people to spend money in pursuit of love. Of course the meaning of love changes with every generation. While in our parents time it was supposed to happen only after marriage, in our times some of us were bold enough to love before marraige and in the next generation 'love' is a commodity to be freely exchanged.....or is that lust? I can never be sure.

But when you are in the throes of love there are so many things you do which in hindsight seem insane. And you wonder what made you do that? I call these the Crazy or Cute (depends which side of the fence you are) things in Love. When you did it, it seemed like the best thing to show her/him the depth of your love. A few years later you wondered if you were in the right senses or you thought that you were so naive and cute.

As I looked back I thought of the things that I have done in love and so here are some of the crazy/cute things that I have done in Love in random order.

• I guess the first woman most men do something for is their mom. I remember collecting money in my piggy bank and then on one of her birthdays going to a shop and buying lipstick for her. I bought a couple of them, gift wrapped them and a gave it to her on her birthday. That was an 'awww' moment.
• As I grew older my focus of course shifted to girls my age although I was a complete introvert. I remember having a massive crush on a girl in my study class in 11th std called Madhu L. She was a Gujju with flowing curvy hair and I would wait at the Santacruz railway station for her to come and (in my stick figure bravado) ensure that she would get into the train at 5.30am when we would go to our classes in Dadar. I wrote her name on pieces of paper and on my clothes!
• Then came Engineering college and I 'fell in love' with a Tam Bram girl with long plaited hair who was one year junior to me - Sripriya G. She said she wanted an engg book that she saw with me. Instead of loaning her mine, I went out and bought her one. For Valentine's I actually put a message for her in the newspaper hoping she would notice it. I wrote a story that got published in Indian Express for Valentine's Day that was around a guy initiating a Rose Day in college for the girl he loved.
• The best was saved for the last, of course. This time I really was in love. I wrote poems for her. I made gifts for her. I wrote stories, learnt to ride a bike and was like a moth drawn to a flame. And when she said that our 'affair' would be over when she shifted from Delhi to Bangalore at the end of our management course, I was distraught. I convinced my parents that Bangalore was a much better option in terms of job even though I had an offer from Delhi as well where they stayed. For her and to convince her that ours was a long term relationship I shifted to Bangalore, stayed in PG acco's where we got worms for brakfast but re-initiated our 'affair' to convince her. This one, thankfully, resulted in a happy ending and we've been married now for 12 years. The crazy/sute things have continued after that as well. I've written or made greeting cards for my wife, bought presents and tried to keep her happy! :)

There have, of course, been girls that I knew I was 'in love with' and I bought multiple gifts and did crazy or cute things for them like gifting books, doing their work, worrying about them, making things for them and so on. The story has been one-sided till I stuck gold with my wife and life has been golden since!

So what's your crazy/cute Love Story?