Day 14 - Slave and Master

A recent article caught my eye on Mani Ratnam's movie 'Ravan' being shot in the jungles of Kerela with Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai Bachchan.

An elephant brought to the set for shooting went on a rampage and killed its mahout. Then it uprooted trees and caused a scare among the people at the shoot. The crew had to wait for quite some time before they could return back to their hotels.

The article got me thinking on the relationship between a trained and a trainer in such a situation. Its almost a relationship of slave and master. The relationship, I guess, is based on fear. Fear that the slave has of the master and fear that the master can exercise on the slave.

It's interesting to note that when it comes to humans and animals, the slave (animal) is usually the physically stronger kind who can easily harm the puny master (human).But the human is able to completeley control the animal and make it do whatever the human wants to. It's sad that humans can do this to animals - domesticating them through fear and emotional control. What is it that drives an animal who is much stronger than a human to bow down and obey his every command? What goes on in the brain of the animal that makes it afraid of the human? What is the fear factor that drives out all independence from the animal and makes it subserviant to the human?

The master also has his limits to which he can drive the slave. Once that is crossed the slave will react violently and try to break free from the shackles. This has happened to many times in history too. All freedom struggles are basically the fact that the people who feel enslaved have fought to break free from these shackles of their 'masters'. The same thing happened on the sets of 'Ravan'.

According to reports the mahout kept poking the elephant everytime there was a visitor on the set and make him do a namaste. This happened throughout the day. I guess at one point the elephant just got pissed and kept his foot down (pun intended).

But the reports say something interesting post the incident. Apparently the elephant kept trying to rouse the mahout and did not realise for quite some time that the mahout was dead. Once it realised that it went on a rampage uprooting trees. I found that quite interesting.

Did the elephant think that it had done a mistake and the get angry at itself? Was the elephant still afraid that the mahout may get up and punish him severely? Was the rampage an act of sadness or an act of happiness? Or was the elephant intelligent enough to think that it has to go back to the stable and will get punished by the other mahouts? I guess the answers are with the elephant only.

The relationship between any two beings should be a symbiotic one that benefits both and not a parasitic one. Only then will the relationhsip grow and become something beautiful. A relationship will never grow if there is only a give and a take - there has to be equal give and take from both parties.

Any relationship - love, friendship, colleauges - should be one of equals for it to grow. A master-slave relationship will always have an expiry date - in this case it was that of the mahout!

Day 13 - What are you afraid of?

Its an interesting thought that philosophical questions like this seem to have different answers across the years. When asked at a particular point in life the answer seems to reflect the deepest insecurities at that point. And these change with time.

I asked this question to a few friends recently and the answers varied from person to person. My closest friend was worried about growing old. She is a very health conscious lady and takes care of herself immaculately. She's extremely paranoid about putting on weight and is very focused on calories, oil, exercise and such stuff. I guess her fear comes from the fact that she thinks she will loose control on herself as she grows old. I think the interesting fact is that she will grow old gracefully and will live a long life because she is taking care of herself so well right now. Interesting, isn't it? She fears growing old but she will live long. My perspective anyway. While people like me who don't fear growing old will probably die before her.

Which brings me to.......well, me! :) What am I afraid of?

About 25 years back I was afraid of losing my parents and would have nightmares about it. What if I lost them in an accident? What would I do then?

About 15 years back I was afraid of my career going nowhere. I was drifting from one job to next as I could not see a stable career ahead of me. I then joined Times School of Marketing, fell in love, followed her to Bangalore and things changes for the better.

Today, I am most afraid of a premature death! Morbid, isn't it? But if my children read this sometime in the future they will know. Today I am most afraid that I will leave my family too soon. Things (touchwood) seem to be stable and I have a wonderful family. Today I want to be able to see that to its logical conclusion. I want to see my kids happy and settled. I want to see my kids married and having their children. I want to see my grand kids and play with them. I want to see my wife living a happy life. I want to be there to guide my children and help them along the way. I want to be with my friends and see them happy. I want to see them living their lives to a logical end. I want to grow old with my family and friends.

This is my fear today. I guess I should re-visit this question a couple of years later and answer it again. Maybe things would have changed by then.

Of course in between all these I am still afraid of flying insects and very afraid of losing friends and love!

What are you afraid of?

Day 12 - Keeping kids minds occupied

My two nephews aged 13 & 9 are down from US of A for their annual vacation. They' re with us for 20 odd days before their parents join them and they go off to Kolkata for a few days and then come back to spend 10 odd days with us again.

Our days currently are spent in trying to think of various ways to keep them entertained. The issue, of course, is that their holidays do not match with our kids holidays and so they are alone in the day at home. While my kids and other kids in the apartment come back in the evening they then have their homework and other stuff to do. So weekends are busy times with various places and things to do to fill up their times.

This did get me thinking though on how difficult it has become to keep kids entertained these days, even my kids during their summer vacations!

When we were growing up there was no TV or summer camps but I don't remember a single day when I was bored or didn't have anything to do. We played our butts out in the park with different games starting from the elite cricket to the humdrum grass root level game called 'lagori'. We even had kho kho if the number of people on the ground was too large or we just climbed trees and did lots of fun stuff. We never had summer camps that we had to go to. We were just left on our own and we filled up the time.

Kids today plonk in front of the TV and expect that device to entertain them. Or they are stuck on their xBoxes or PS2/3's or the Wiis. I actually went to a store to see if I should buy a Wii for these kids but its Rs 25,000/-!!!! That's too high a price for a gaming machine. Maybe I'm old and don't realise the value of that device.

But the kids hardly step out of the house or play with their friends. They depend on technology to entertain them whether its internet or TV or game consoles. I believe that technology really cannot replace the joys of fresh air and playing with friends. The games we played with other children gave us friendships, taught us concepts of team work and sharing. With more and more single child families stuck to their technology devices, are we preparing ourselves for a more self centered workforce later on?

Then again the kids may not be the ones to blame for that. There are hardly any play areas in today's apartment complexes and parents may have to take their kids to a park or to a club to get them to play games. We are to blame for this as well to an extent as parents. I think we watch too much TV and our kids just inculcate that habit.

Its time that we taught our kids different ways to entertain themselves - reading books and playing with friends rather than sitting in front of a device or using that to communicate with the outside world.

If this trend continues it may not be far when we see a world similar to the ones portrayed by Isaac Asimov in 'The Naked Sun'.

Day 11 - Triple A stages of first days in school

Today's post is more for parents and actually more for those parents whose children have just started school or are going to start school. Single people may not enjoy this post.

My younger kid - a son - just turned two and has started going to his play school for about 2 months now. While my elder is in 2nd standard, I remember these stages applied to her as well. As the child starts the first days of school, there are three stages that the child goes through. In some form or the other these three stages apply to all kids starting school. And this applies for the first days of school i.e the first time your kid starts school when he/she is very young. You'll typically put her in a play school when she turns 2 or in a nursery / Montessori school when he turns 3. Well, get ready for these stages.

AWE: The first stage that the child will pass through is Awe. Your child will run into the school for the first few days of school. He is too awestruck with all the different things to play with, explore and have fun with to bother about the fact that he is alone or with many other kids or with some new people. This stage usually lasts for 2-3 days and at a max for about 7 days. Within that time frame your child has finished exploring all the different things in school and now suddenly wakes up to the fact that he is being left alone in a strange place. She then gets into second stage

ANGUISH: This is the crying stage, the tantrum stage and the clinging-to-you-at-the-gate stage. Your child will howl and cry as she reaches the school and start telling you that she does not want to go to school. He will cling on to you for dear life with tears streaming down his face when you get to the gate. Imaginative kids will tell their parents that someone hits them in school or that another kid pushes them in school. Some will complain of stomach ache when they get to the school. Other kids start saying that they want to do potty. All these because they know that as a parent you will want to rush back home and give them medicine or get them to their potty. Kids will push the envelope with their parents and try and find different ways to avoid going to school. They will stop having their breakfast. But the key weapon in their arsenal are the tears when they get to school meant to melt your heart.

This is the longest stage for the child and the parent. It can last from a few days to weeks and even to one full month. Parents feel sad and start to assess if it is so important to send their child to a 'school' at such a young age. Maybe we should let him be at home. He was so happy at that time. Some parents feel embarrassed that their child is crying so much at the gate of the school. Some parents start wondering what is happening in school that my child is so afraid to go there. They start wondering if their child is being taken care of properly.

At the end of this stage, children graduate into the third and last stage of going-to-school and that is

ACCEPTANCE: In this stage the child just learns to accept that irrespective of what I do, my parents are going to leave me at this place so might as well learn to enjoy it. When the child gets to this stage they go in quietly into the school and to the teachers. Some kids in fact turn around, wave a bye, blow a flying kiss to the parent and walk in. This is the stage that the parents wait for. When they breathe a sigh of relief and are happy that their child has 'adjusted' to the school. It is from this stage onwards that the child starts to learn a lot and his vocabulary starts to change. New words come into his vocabulary. New concepts are formed. New rhymes are sung for the parents and new names are mentioned. And everyone is happy.

But the fact to be aware of is that the child oscillates between the 'Anguish' and 'Acceptance' stage for a few months. The parents think that their child has 'settled' in school and suddenly for a week in the middle the child will revert back to crying and the 'Anguish' stage.

This can happen for multiple reasons - maybe on of the parent traveled on work and the child starts to think that when I go to school my mother disappears and comes back later or the child got hurt in school an he starts associating the school with that hurt and pain or someone pushed him or did not give him a toy when he asked for it. There could be multiple reasons. The key is to know that your child will always go back to the 'Acceptance' stage and that this is just a phase.

So new parents always be prepared to face the three A's when your child starts school.

Tomorrow I'll talk about what to do in each stage.

Day 10 - Backfoot in love: Men or Women?

Love is such a heady emotion and both men and women get carried away in it. It can play tricks with even the most stable mind and make them behave like nuts. :)

Conventional wisdom says that in love a woman is more sentimental and emotional than a man. It also says that when in love the woman becomes indecisive or takes a back seat or will not make the first move - as compared to a man.

I think that is exactly what it is - conventional wisdom - and it is completely wrong!

The best way to find out if a man is truly in love is to see how indecisive he becomes when it comes to THE woman. At any other time the man will be in control of his emotions and actions. When he is flirting with a woman or just wants to get into her pants or is not that serious about the woman, he is in control and knows what he is doing. He does not mind taking the initiative since he knows that if he gets rejected it wasn't serious anyway and there are more women out there.

But change the situation and see the difference. If the man is really and truly in love with the woman, he becomes a completely different character. The fear of rejection or making a fool of himself or not appearing to be a proper correct person for her drives him nuts. He can't take a right decision and forever wonders which is the right way to take.

He starts thinking about what would make HER happy and loses his way and sense of thinking. He starts wondering that if I say something and she gets angry, then what do I do. Better not make her angry since I can't afford to lose her. He tries to live up to her expectations of him and sometimes forgets to be himself. The woman can really control him then and I think every woman knows that.

When truly in love - a man is not a man! (If you know what I mean). When truly in love, its the man who is on the backfoot.

Woman of the world.....that's the key. Forget all the cosmo quizzes and all the tests.

Good News: If the man you are dating is indecisive and more concerned about you; if you can sense that he is truly afraid of losing you; if he ensures that you are truly happy with small gestures - then he's in love with you. Watch out for those signs!

Bad News: That does not last forever. It only lasts till you get married to him. Post that he reverts back to his actual self!

More about the post-marraige man in a different blogpost.

;-)

Day 9 - Capital Punishment

A few weeks back I had an interesting discussion with one of my friends on Capital Punishment and if it should be abolished. There have been lot of discussions on this subject and I am sure there are people on either side of the fence.

My friend is a proponent of the fact that it should be abolished. His view is that an example should be set for the other criminals and that can be set by taking away their freedom. The most important thing for a person, by his logic, is his/her freedom and if you take that away and lock them away in a prison, you set an example for others wanting to commit the same crime. The other criminals will not want to commit the same crime. He also mentioned that research has shown that crime in a country that exercises capital punishment is no less than in one that does not or rather that crime in country without capital punishment is less than one with. His view was that a deterrent must be created for crime. There is also a view that a human has no right to decide on the life of another human. What use is inteligence if we behave like animals?

My view, on the other hand, is that capital punishment must be exercised in the rarest-of-rare crimes. Life is more important for a person than freedom and if you give the fear of losing life then crime may not get committed again. Of course this logic does not work for those people who do not care about their lives anyway - like terrorists. But if you 'set an example' then maybe the next person may not commit the crime. If a person like the Nithari Butcher is put to death maybe the next person who thinks of something like that may not do it. If a rapist of a small child is put to death, maybe the next possible rapist will think twice about it.

And that brings me to the topic of Kasab. Here is a youth who has indiscriminately killed people, trained his gun on innocents and pulled the trigger with no remorse. And we are spending tax payers money on taking care of him in jail and actually having a long drawn trial. What will that prove? We all know that he is one of the terrorists. Imagine what the other potential terrorists in Pakistan are thinking right now. They have Afzal Guru's example and now Kasab too. Hey, it we get caught after we have committed the crime, don't worry the Indian government will take care of us and we will live safely for at least another 10 years in their jails. Will capital punishment help the cause if we immediately execute the terrorist and let the world know that we will not tolerate terrorism? I think it will! I know what some of my friends will think - they will equate Kasab to Modi on Godhra and say that he too should be hanged. Maybe...let's get conclusive proof like in Kasab's case.

I think capital punishment is necessary. Can we please now hang Kasab and not waste my hard earned money and tax on taking care of him?

What do you think? Let me do a small poll. Which side of the fence are you on? YES for Capital Punishment or NO for who are we to decide to take someone's life!

(Cheeky of me to also find out how many really read my post!) :)

Day 8: Effect Statements

I've always been interested in 'Effect Statements' and obviously on the effect that these statements have on people. That's an interesting statement, isn't it? :)

But what are these 'effect statements' that I am talking about.

As humans we communicate and let the other person know our thoughts. Most of our communication is harmless and generic in nature. However, as we grow older some amount of selfishness crops into our communication. We communicate to extract something from others in terms of material things or emotions. This could be to our friends, girl/boy friend, parents, spouses, bosses, colleagues and almost everybody.

There are times when we make certain statements to people that we don't mean but we hope that they'll mean a lot to the other person and help us get what we want. That's an Effect Statement!! Still confusing?

Have you ever told a girl that you love her without meaning it but hoping that she would feel good and maybe give you the emotional and physical touch that you want? That's an effect statement. You really don't love her and don't mean it at all but you hope that the girl likes what she hears, believes that you love her and 'melts' in your arms!

Have you ever been told that you are a very kind person by someone and then realised that you ended up giving a large donation by your standards? Or have you been congratulated by everyone in office and then proceeded to give a party for that? Then you may have fallen prey to the 'effect statements'. Neither of them meant those statements but were able to extract what they wanted - a donation or a tip or a party or something to that extent.

Effect statements when made for small materialistic gains may not be that dangerous - a party, some money.

But when the same statements are made for emotional gains, the repercussions can be long lasting and dangerous. A girl thinks that the boy loves her and has an intimate relation with him only to realise that he never meant any of that. A parent tells their kid that you can marry her/him over their dead body and put a stop to something that can make the kid happy. A friend tells you that he/she is your best-est friend and then goes on to bitch about you to the whole world. These can be dangerous effect statements.

Learn to know when a statement is an effect statement and when it is the truth. My solution is look at the eyes and body language of the person. A sincere statement will almost always be delivered with eye contact and with confidence.

Always protect yourself against these 'effect statements' and the people who make them.