Happy Birthday, Dear Friend!

Its taken me two and a half years to come back to my blog but there's no better day than today for that.

There are very few people in your life that make a HUGE impact in a short time and you can probably count them on your fingers. People that have done so much in their lives that you look up to them in awe. Or people that have helped you grow in their own way by pushing you subtly and sometimes overtly as well. People that helped you build your family. People that you know you can go to with any question and get a reply without judgement.

If you have someone like this in your life, tell them that they matter every time you meet them. Let them know that you are you because of them. Cherish them and their friendship. 

Because life is short and unpredictable and sometimes you may not get a chance to tell them that.

Today is the 45th birthday of just such a person who made a HUGE impact on me in the 12 years that I had the good fortune to know her. I never got a chance to tell her all this on her face because I always thought she was indestructible. She was the warrior woman. She was awe inspiring. She was warm and loving.

She was Gina Campos Braganza!

And she left too soon!

So dear friend, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you! I hope you are having a rocking party up there and showing the angels (and devils) how to party!

I just wanted to tell you that I Miss You! 

Everytime I see the yellow jeep, I miss you.
Everytime I see Carlton, I miss you.
Everytime I am partying, I miss you.
Everytime I am with my bestest friend, I miss you.
Everytime I am up against a problem, I miss you.
Everytime I play a sport, I miss you.
Everytime I need advice, I miss you.
Everytime I look for a slap on the back, I miss you.
Everytime I want a superb smile, I miss you. 

There are times when I just feel the need to talk to you and get your advice and over the last few years, I've missed you tremendously knowing how you would have sat me down and then given me a good kick on my backside.

7 years still hasn't dulled the pain and the anger!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GINA! And wish you were here!

Fear!

People who know me will say that I always try to push the envelope with my fears. I am a firm believer in the adage that if you face your fears, it will only make you grow stronger. There is in fact a poster on my office wall that says "Always do what you are afraid to do".

This adage has led me to do many things that normally I would have never done - Bungee Jumping, Sky Diving, Everest Base Camp Trek, Scary rides etc - and I am always on a lookout for the next big adventure to push the limit and overcome the fear.

All the above activities and my bravado are all limited to (what I now call) Physical Fear. A fear associated with bodily harm - I will get hurt if this adventure fails and goes the wrong way. I've learnt that this Physical Fear can be controlled by calming the mind, facing the fear and living the moment. A simple mental image of the fun and rush that you will feel during the experience and the pride that you will feel when you finish the adventure helps you to enjoy the adventure and overcome the fear. I've learnt that the key is to have an image of the completed adventure and aim towards that.

Over the last few days, however, I have come to realise that there is another kind of fear that is much stronger and much more difficult to overcome.

Events across the last few weeks have made me realise the power of Emotional Fear. The fear in your mind that is associated with the fear of loss.  Emotional Fear is the fear that is completely in your mind pertaining to events and issues that are completely out of your control and have no physical connotations. You cannot associate it with a physical way of overcoming it. A fear so deep seated that you don't want to imagine the end image or a fear associated with an end image so frightening that you don't want to face it. An image that you don't want to accept and a fear that it might come true. 

I'm struggling with this Emotional Fear over the last few weeks with a few major events that made me face the prospect of loss of a loved one. The emotional fear was also associated with the fear of inaction - if we didn't take any concrete action, then we could loose the loved one and not be remembered. An intense need to take action continuously while the reality might be to let things play itself out. We struggled with the 'inaction fear' recently and things worked out well for us. But the fear was always around the corner of what if it would not work out. I'm struggling with another one in that realm.

While I've come to realise that I have the ability to easily understand and overcome Physical Fear, the dragon of Emotional Fear scares me and I have yet to find a way to tame that dragon. Physical Fear is temporary and can be overcome in minutes. Emotional Fear needs a lot of time to overcome but giving it time only seems to make the dragon more powerful and all consuming.

How do you overcome Emotional Fear?

A Father's Tears!

Men don't cry! A man with tears is a sign of weakness and men are supposed to be strong.

Or at least that's what has been told to us and taught to us over last few centuries by everyone in every form of communication - be it verbal, through ads or books. This, of course, not withstanding the metrosexual man. As a kid our fathers were our ultimate heroes and we grew up on a visual of them never having a tear in their eye.

There are certain images that stay in your mind long after they have occurred. Images that tend to define your visual interpretation of life and serve as guide for you. One such image stays in my mind to this day.

My first year engineering vacation had just got over and I was headed back from Dehradun to Pune. I was all of 18 years old and embarking for the first time on a long train journey all alone. I was pretty excited and looking forward to it. In those days one had to take a train from Dehradun to Delhi and then changeover at Delhi for a train to Pune. My Dad accompanied me to Delhi. I boarded the train to Pune at the Delhi station and settled in. My Dad checked who the companions were and told them to take care of me much to my acute embarrassment. Hey, I could take care of myself. As the train pulled away from the station and I waved good bye with a smile, I saw him with tears in his eyes waving back. I kept wondering why he was crying! I expected that of my mother who is very emotional but why was my dad crying?

Today I understand what he was going through on that day. As I watch my daughter grow up fast and a few years away from college, I fear my emotions on the day I wave goodbye to her when she goes. I know I will be scared if she will be safe away from the care of her family. I know I will be afraid if she will find success in her new chapter of life. I know I will be sad that she is breaking away from her cocoon and finding her own path. I know I will wonder if she will be able to manage the emotional rollercoster coming her way without the hugs from her mom and me comforting her. I know I will worry that as she flies away from the nest if she will be able to soar in the sky on strong wings. I know I will be very proud of her as she steps out to find her own identity.

Today I know that my Dad was going through all those emotions as he waved goodbye. Today I wonder how he dealt with them as he took the long lonely train journey back from Delhi to Dehradun. Today I cherish and value the image of my father's tears because I know that in that moment he was showing all his love for me!

Thanks, Dad for letting me go my own way, for supporting me always, for letting me make my own mistakes and learn from them. I hope I can do the same for my kids.

Thinkgifting or Thingifting?

I read this blog post of mine recently on "Value perception of a Gift" and started thinking about all the gifts that I had received over a period of time from all my friends and acquaintances. Like all gifts in life, some were gifted because it was an occasion and something had to be given and some were gifted after a lot of effort and thought. While my earlier post talked about the perception that the giftee gets on the gift and how the gifter feels, I started thinking about why does one put an effort into a gift? What is the subliminal message one wants to send with a gift? Or is there even one?

Gifts can be classified into two segments:

• THINGIFTING or giving something as a gift picked off the shelf without much thought process because you have been invited to an occasion or because you didn't have time or because you should give a gift. 
• AND
• THINKGIFTING or giving something as a gift after putting in a lot of thought and effort. This could be something unique that you believe you have created for that person. Something that you believe the person will like and love. Or even something that you thought is very unique for the person.

For most of the occasions and people that we know, we do Thingifting. We pick up gifts as we go to the occasion, stopping over at a store so that we don't have to spend too much effort.  The idea is to pick up something that we believe will be apt for the occasion so that the person feels good about it. There isn't much thought given to what we are buying with budget probably being the main concern for the gift. We spend just as much as we attach a value to that person - should the gift be worth Rs. 1000/- or Rs. 2000/-? What about buying something thats Rs. 5000/- for that person? Is he/she worth that much spend? These are some of the questions that we go through in our mind. Let me clarify, there is nothing wrong in that and is a perfectly normal discussion. I believe that sub-consciously, though, you are evaluating the importance of that person in your life and deciding to put in the required time, money and effort into gifting something to the person.

For the more or most important people in your life, though, you would do Thinkgifting. You would spend time, thought and energy into the right gift for the person. Money becomes a secondary consideration in the initiative. The gift could be a simple thing costing hardly anything at all but something that you have maybe trolled the net, found a unique thing and decided to get it made for the person. It could be something very expensive just because you know that it will bring joy to the person. Or maybe something that you will spend time to get made for the person exclusively and unique to the person. If you are doing Thinkgifting for someone, then sub-consciously you have attached a priceless value to the person in your life.

Are there exceptions to this generic statement? Of course, there could be. I am sure someone who never gifts anything to anyone but gives you a gift, however simple and quick it may have been, is probably doing Thinkgifting from their end. 

Thingifting and Thinkgifting can also be a great way for you to find out how much you need the person and how much the person values you. If someone has been doing Thinkgifting for you for a few years, then hold on to that person because he/she puts tremendous value on you.

I do Thinkgifting for two people in my life. How many people do you do Thinkgifting for?

Second Tattoo

I got my first tattoo done about two years ago and talked about my experience here. It got me thinking on inking again. The same rules of What, Where, Who and When applied here too.

The 'WHO' was the easy part as I was sure I would want to get it done again at Dark Arts Studio in Bangalore where I got my first tattoo done and preferably from Satish Palan who did my first tattoo as well.

The 'WHERE' part was also almost pre-decided. If you read my first tattoo blog you will realise that I was thinking of getting the tattoo done either on my upper or lower part of the hand. Since the first one had been on the upper part of the hand, I decided that the second one would be on the forearm.

The 'WHAT' part got me thinking since I wanted the second one to mean something very personal. The first tattoo had been of Lord Ganesha as I had always wanted to start that way. The second tattoo's idea had already started germinating in my mind for some time. I wanted my family's names as a tattoo and the more I thought about it, the more it seemed awesome since the names were interlinked. My wife's name is Anindita or Ani for short, my daughter's name is Ipsita and my son's name is Tarush. If you look closely, as I did when I started thinking of a design, you can link them with Ani leading into Ipsita leading into Tarush or in other words AnIpsiTArush. So that was fixed. I wanted this to be an inner circle with the outer circle saying Beautiful Soul as these three were the beautiful soul of my life. Two concentric circles - AnIpsiTArush as inner and Beautiful Soul as outer.

The most difficult part was the 'WHEN' part as I just could not find the time in my busy schedule. In between travelling and family time, I was not able to take the required time out to visit Dark Arts. In the meantime, I had been speaking to my best friend, Sowmya Ramachandran, and getting her psyched to get a tattoo done as well. We had been discussing for quite some time about the possibility. 30th Nov was her birthday and we got discussing about the possibility of her getting her tattoo done on that day. I had a tentative appointment for her at Dark Arts and when she finally decided to get it done, I decided to accompany her and get my second one done as well. So the first tattoo was on Ganesh Chaturthi and the second one on my best friend's birthday.

When we landed up at Dark Arts, we got to Sowmya's design first. She wanted to get a Sun done and as she was being shown some designs, I got a chance to explain my 'concentric circle' design to Preeti. Sowmya quickly decided on a flaming Sun with a V (for Vedanth, her son) morphing into a R (for Raj, her husband) in the centre of the Sun. As I got discussing with them on my idea, we quickly realised that having so many alphabets in a circle may make it illegible. As Preeti showed me some fonts, we finalised on a beautiful cursive font which would give it some flair. The stencil looked good and we were set.

Sowmya's tattoo took a good hour to get done and it did pain a bit for her as she was getting it done right at the pulse area on her wrist. The end result is really good. Satish got started on mine after her's was done. And it took all of 2-1/2 hours to get it done. As I had mentioned earlier, this time too it wasn't very bad. There were moments when it did pain a bit but mostly it was like a small needle pricking you softly. After some time you sort of get used to it and it doesn't even register. At the end of 2-1/2 hours by 10.00pm, my tattoo was done and I had my second ink.

The tattoo is big, taking up almost 3/4 of the arm. I jokingly mention to people that now I can't even have an affair as the girl will ask whose names are those on your hand and when I tell her that its my wife and kids, I'm sure she'll disappear. :) But what better way to show commitment and love for my family than to have them tatto-ed on my body with the fact that they are the Beautiful Soul of my life!

What do I tell my daughter? And my sister?

A young, starry-eyed, ambitious girl was brutally gangraped by 6 people in a moving bus in Delhi and dumped on the ground. Over the last 10 days, Delhi has erupted with protests with students taking to the streets demanding justice; politicians have exposed their stupidity with constantly putting their foot in their mouth questioning the freedom that girls have, questioning the make-up that they put, mentioning that girls invite this on themselves and stating that girls are 'dented-and-painted'; a policeman lost his life battling the protests; government has clamped down on the protests turning Delhi into a fortress and the social media has gone beserk with demands of public hanging, public castrations and capital punishment for the rapists. Questions are being raised on how Indian men, administrators and politicians treat women, what our laws are and how we need to change the basic fabric of our values where we treat women as things to be owned. How we need to change the thinking at the basic level of a girl child and how we need to treat boys and girls as equal. Extremely brilliant articles on the right approach have been written by my close friend Sandeep Menon and some articles have been re-posted on other friend's facebook pages like this one.

This is not one of those write-ups. I do not know how to write eloquently and while I have an opinion on the subject like everyone else, this write-up is not about that. This write-up is about fear and insecurity and helplessness!

I got 'introduced' to the concept of rape when I was 8 years old when the movie 'Insaaf ka Tarazu' was released and movie magazines carried reams of articles about it. My mom was an avid reader and I picked up one of the magazines to find out what rape meant. While at that age I thought it meant a man and woman wrestling, with time I understood the horror of it and struggled to comprehend why a man would do something like that. What instinct drives a man to force himself on a woman and rape her? India has the dubious distinction of being the third worst offender in rape cases and a rape occures in India every 54 minutes! 25 women are raped every day in India and we have done nothing to protect them. We have made speeches and spoken about it when incidents occur but we have done nothing to protect our women or give them a feeling of safety. We have not changed our laws, we have not ensured that rape cases are dealt with in a speedy manner and we have not punished rapists in a manner consumerate with the crime. Neither have we sensitised our largely-male police force nor have we equipped them with more women who may understand this crime. In fact a sting operation by Tehelka revealed Police Officers saying that no rape can happen without the girl's consent! Some rapists have gone on to become politicians and some politicians have raped women with impunity and used the system to cover their tracks. Police work hand-in-glove with the rapists and today we had a case where a young woman comitted suicide because she was being constantly called to the police station and questioned about her rape.


As a father of a 10 year old girl and a brother of a single woman in Mumbai, I was scared when I read the first news of the gangrape and have been getting progressively more afraid as I've heard our politicians talk about the 'remedies' to this 'problem'.

Women should not go out late at night, women should not put make-up and lipstick, women should not dress provacatively, women should not wear jeans, women should not smoke and drink, women should not go to discotheques, women should not take private buses late at night, women should not do this and should not do that. What kind of a country and world are we creating when we cannot offer a simple basic right of safety to a human being? Does a woman have to be constantly on her guard from the moment she steps out from her house? And sometimes even in her own house? Does society need to dictate on how she talks and walks and moves and dresses and works? Who has given us the right to do this? The biggest hypocrisy stems from the fact that in Hinduism we pray to Godesses for wealth (Lakshmi), knowledge (Saraswati) and strength (Durga) and then go out and commit the most horrid crimes on women.

My sister stays alone in Mumbai, is independent and highly successful and goes out to parties, has some drinks and has a good time with friends. Should I tell her not do that? Should I tell her that she could be a potential target? As my daughter grows up, she may decide to wear short clothes for outings, wear jeans and tops, wear some make-up, go out to disco with friends and party with them. I may not like some of these things but these are her educated decisions to make - not mine and definitely not society's. Do I tell my daughter to avoid all these 'im-moral' things and stay at home? When she steps out of the house, do I now equip her with protection in form of a small knife, some pepper spray and some alarms? But why should I? Doesn't she have the right to walk the road free of fear?

When a close friend like Arundhati Ghosh puts up a status update that says - "I travel a lot and many days of the month I land up late at airports of cities I have come to love, cities with friends and memories, cities with sounds and smells that make me want to call it home. Today as I leave for yet another city I am worrying about what transport I should take from the airport to reach my hotel, is it judicious to land as late as 8 pm, should I keep a small pen knife in my bag but then I will have to check it in, when i get into the cab should I pretend to call people so that the driver thinks I have people who will worry about me if I dont land up in time, will I be able to do my general chit chat with the driver or should i just keep to myself and not talk too much.....yes ...I dont want to turn into a person I would loathe to be." - it makes me worry! This is a woman I respect tremendously and this statement from her makes me hang my head in shame.

I have been brought up by my parents to respect women and I think I've done that. I am bringing up my son with the same values that women are precious, strong beings that you should respect. I am bringing up my daughter with the thought that she is an equal and can do whatever she wants to and whatever a boy/man can do. There is no distinction! But are the other parents out there teaching their boys the same thing? Will my daughter find the respect and the safety that she needs, nay is entitled to, in the outside world?

I don't have answers for my daughter. And my sister? What do I tell them? What kind of a world and country is my daughter growing up into?

Forgiveness!

I just got off watching an episode called 'Damage Control' on Grey's Anatomy which for me thinking on this whole concept of Forgiveness. In the episode a young man closes his eyes for a second while driving and rams into an oncoming car injuring the family. While the father, mother and husband survive, the pregnant daughter dies in surgery but the child survives. The young man wants to apologise to the family for causing the grief.

The most poignant moment of the episode is when the father walks into the room where the young man, himself injured is lying just when he has heard the news of his daughter's death. The young man says "I'm sorry" and the father walks angrily to the bedside with his hand moving towards the young man's throat only to place it on his shoulder who breaks down crying profusely.

To forgive, they say, is divine. Forgive and forget, they say. Forgiveing, they say, gives you peace. But does it really? If someone has done you immense harm and affected your life in an adverse way, can you really forgive and live? I know the other side of the fence - harboring that hatred in your heart eats away at the very essesnce of existence and erodes your being. But how difficult is it to forgive someone who has harmed you immensely. Moving beyond the philosphical musings of the gurus and the quotable quotes, How easy is it to forgive?

I think the ease of forgiveness depends on the magnitude of the hurt and/or the closeness of the relationship. In every relationship you expect a certain degree of trust and response. You expect the person to behave in a particular manner mostly conducive to your well being. A best friend is supposed to help you and stand by you, a parent is supposed to love you unconditionally and help you succeed, your office friend is not supposed to bitch about you behind your back, a spouse is supposed to stand with you and support you.

When these 'regular' responses do not happen you feel hurt and that hurt translates into anger which converts into a wish to do the same harm. How easily you can nip that hurt in the bud and forgive that person determines the future of that relationship. But the forgiveness also depends on the level of your perceived hurt and that makes the decision very personal. It is futile to 'advice' someone on what they should forgive and how easily. It is also an insult to compare your act of forgiveness in a similar situation and tell the person to do the same. The best you can do is empathise with the person and guide them to a proper path. To forgive or not is that person's prerogative. But I digress......

The perception of hurt plays a very important part in the forgiveness quotient. You can easily forgive your friend for going to a movie without you, may take some time to forgive the same friend if he happens to bitch about you behind your back and may take many many years to forgive the same friend if he hurts a close family member in an adverse manner. Take the same situation and you may forgive that friend easily if he hurt some far family member that you may not have liked that much but may never forgive him if he hurt your parent or sibling. The perception of hurt and the closeness of the relationship determines the ease of forgiveness. How easy would it be to forgive your spouse if they had a relationship out of you?


While I do largely agree that forgiveness is the best thing to do, I also think that no one has the ability to tell me how easy it should be for me unless they have faced the same situation.

I am sure you've forgiven a lot of people in your lives for small issues, maybe even some people for things that hurt you to some extent but I hope you and I never have to face a situation like the father in the episode. I am not sure how I would react to that kind of a situation. To me, that is almost like the ultimate forgiveness that you could give and it requires tremendous will power and ability to accept what life throws at you. I hope I never face that kind of a situation in my life!

Friendship Trip!

The best cliche on friendship that I have heard says that if you are true friends with someone then you should be able to pick off a conversation where you last left it even if you meet the friend after many years. I have always wondered if friendship should be measured on that parameter at all! If you haven't been in touch with someone for a long time, is that person really your friend? Don't you make an extra effort to stay in touch with people who you care about - friends? 

But over the years I have experienced first hand the cliche as well. I usually go for a long time without talking to some people but when I do connect, it's like we never stopped talking. I find that very interesting and have come to realise that it probably amounts to comfort with that person more than anything else. You are comfortable in sharing your opinions, perspective and life events with a few people and it doesn't matter if it is done daily or after a long time. The only difference is that there is a lot of catching up to do in a short time. But even that is fun - you get to know new things about the friend.

I recently embarked upon one such 'catch-up' with part excitement and part trepidation. 

The three of us had been great friends and inseparable in college - known as the Three Musketeers in the final year. We roamed together, did our final project together and banked on each other to pull us through with our studies. Like every group we had the genius (Kaushal Mehta) , the late lateef (Shivraj Yadav)  and the average joe (yours truly). Post college we all stayed in touch for some time but then life took us in separate paths and we started talking to each other rarely at first and over birthdays and new years later. But the best part was that it didn't seem to matter. Whenever we would touch base it would be like old times. So we decided to meet and have a reunion in the year of our 40th birthday. We planned, we booked and we were on our way to meet up.

But questions niggled at the back of my mind - as I am sure it did in theirs - Would we be able to relate to each other? Would our thoughts and outlook to life have changed dramatically? Are we being nostalgic and will we have to make an effort to find the Three Musketeers of long gone age? Or would we 'live the cliche'? This trip would test our friendship - make it stronger or break it apart?

We had all met with each other separately and had connected nicely but would we connect again as a group? The aha moment for the trip started right at the beginning - our late lateef was late to come to the airport itself arriving almost at the last moment. In essence that set the tone for the reunion as we realised that passage of years, receding hairline and increasing midsection does not change the basic nature of people and different nature of friends balances the group out perfectly. 

As we reached our destination, our intrinsic natures emerged and we were back to college years. It was a revelation to know that while we remained the same, we had changed as well. The Genius was just as well organised but had started to open up and share his thoughts, The Late Lateef was just as disorganised and late but was at a cross road with a serious issue and wanted support while The Average Joe had become adventurous and was still giving unsolicited advice! The three day trip turned out to be a re-connection and just made the bond stronger. The risk was that it may not have gone that way and could have strained the friendship.

I would recommend everyone to 'make the trip' with your friends and test the strands. It can make the bonds stronger.

I have rediscovered my link and wavelength with Mehta and Shivraj. Guys, thanks for being my friends and we should make the trips more often!!!

Kamal - Strength of Character

A few years back I spoke about the strength of Mind over Body and wondered if I would have the mental strength if I were to face a dire situation. Another such example hit me in the face recently.

What would you do if you had a good life going and then lost your young son to disease and new born to doctor's error? If your happy life collapsed around you? Would you accept help from friends to pick yourself up or would you try to live your life with dignity and then pick yourself up? Would you wallow in sorrow and waste your life or would you have the strength to carry on and lead life in whatever form?

This is a story of one such man who chose one particular path.

Kamal fell in love and married a girl against the wishes of his and her parents. His parents felt that they had been insulted many times by the girl's father because they were right but he accepted his son's choice. Kamal worked as a customer exec in a shipping firm, stayed with his family, had a son and was leading a normal content life. He was a doting involved father taking care of his son and getting immense love in return. His son's smile and hugs wiped away all his sadness.

At 2-1/2 his son was diagnosed with stage three brain tumor and his world collapsed. His family collapsed in tears, acrimony and blame game from both sides. In one such discussion he told his family to cry once and then give him support as he could not deal with the grief and acrimony on a daily basis. That discussion led him to leave his house with his ill son while his family did not stop him. He was now running pillar to post with his son, dealing with his family and his grief. He quit his job to make the last few days of his son's life happy and to build his memories. In all this his wife was expecting their second child.

The child was healthy, in fact overweight, and all seemed OK. Kamal wanted the delivery to happen in his city but she wanted to go home to her mother. Kamal reluctuntly agreed. Her mother, inspite of having the best facilities, admitted her daughter in a government hospital for delivery. The interns there decided to wait for a normal delivery inspite of the baby being large and the first one being a C-section. The baby died in the womb and the uterus burst. Kamal had lost his second child and his wife lost the ability to have any more children to negligence and ego. When Kamal got to know he rushed there, checked her out of the hospital and admitted her in a private hospital where she stayed for almost a month.

Kamal was not a lonely soul with no family, no money, no happiness and no future. What would you do at this stage? That is where the strength of character shows!

Kamal went to his friend, almost his brother-from-another-mother, who had a taxi business and asked to be hired. His friend and his family told him that they would loan him money to buy a taxi of his own and Kamal could pay them whatever and whenever he wanted. Kamal had reached a fork in his life and had a choice. On one route was Sympathy, the easy route out. If he took that route he would live his life in emotional debt and succumb to people's help, never able to stand on his own. The other route of Dignity as the difficult one. He would have to dig deep in his character, refuse help and learn to stand on his own again. Kamal asked to be hired as a driver like any other driver. And that's what he became - a tentative driver - driving happy people around but living in his own shell. He gained experience as a driver and after some time left his friend's agency and that city to start life as an experienced driver.

Kamal is ever smiling, ever helpful and one of the best people that I have met. He is one of those guys who make you feel comfortable and secure. You would feel that his life must be so happy outside work because he excudes such happiness in his twinkling eyes and smiling face. If you meet Kamal you will never know this side of his life. Kamal's dream is to save enough money and buy a cab of his own so that he can become independent. Who is he and how do I know this story?

Kamal is my favourite Avis cab driver. I always ask for him even before I got to know this story. After knowing his story, my respect for him has gone up many many level. If I have even an iota of the strength of character that he has, I would be a secure man!

A salute to you, my friend! And a prayer that you find happiness!

2012 Goals

Its time to welcome 2012 with open arms, hug it, kiss it and set goals for the year. What do we wish to accomplish this year? What changes need to made in the physical and mental world to tide over whatever the year has to offer?

It always helps to set goals for the year so that you have a path to map. I've done it over the last two years - Resolutions 2010 & 2011 - which have helped me to evaluate myself in a much more objective manner.

And so here are my Resolutions for 2012. This time I have decided to keep them simple and measurable.

1. WRITE MORE: At least 15 book blogs and 50 personal blogs for the year. Get one story published in some form - print or web.
2. DO LESS: Specific to a friend who will understand.
3. LEARN GOLF: Start this at least this year.
4. ONE ADVENTURE EXPERIENCE: Everest Base Camp Trek or something else.
   
5. REDUCE BELLY: Shave off at least 2" from waist.
   
6. HOLIDAY: Two learning & relaxing holidays with family. One with friends.
   
7. DO MORE: More of charity work. More of charity contributions. Give back some more.
8. LEARN: Something new - language, course related to work etc.
   

So there, plain and simple are the 8 resolutions for 2012.

What are yours?

2011 - A Retrospect

And so one more year rolls by in the journey of life. Another year of happiness, sadness, angst, euphoria, smiles, tears and experiences. 2011 was an uneventful year in terms of extreme highs or depressing lows and I am thankful to God for that. An uneventful year is a year well spent because if gives you peace and contentment. It does not stress you and gives you time to spend with yourself. That does not mean, of course, that interesting things did not happen in the year - on the contrary, there were a lot of things that happened this year.

The start of the year was with a bit of stress - stress of the job I was doing and wondering where I am headed in the organisation. While I loved working in Citrix, I was not enjoying my work and so getting a bit stressed about it. Thankfully another door opened and I moved into a different role which has given me immense learning and a good stress. I enjoy my work, love my organisation and can see growth prospects in the role.

The middle of the year saw the GMC's long cherished dream of a holiday coming true. We finally went to Singapore as a group in May. We planned, we holiday-ed, we had fun, we got to know each other a lot better and we survived. For me the holiday was an eye-opener in terms of getting to know the others. My feelings for one got stronger, my feelings for another got weaker and my feelings for the third the same. But, yes, we did have a lot of fun together and may do another holiday soon. Ruchi moved out to Mumbai and the group dynamics of GMC changed completely. With a disjointed extension the group no longer meets as often though we speak to each other seperately. We realised that we need to put in more effort now to keep the group together.

The later part of the year saw my parents shifting base from Delhi to Mumbai and that was an interesting experience. It was nostalgic in terms of packing and un-packing stuff, things that we used to do so very often when we were kids. After a stay of over 15 years, my parents let go of a lot of inconsequential things in Delhi and moved their life to Mumbai and Hyderabad - a monumental move at their age and stage of life. A lot of respect for them.

On a personal front, I jumped twice this year - once from the top of a tower in Macau (Bungee) and once from a plane in San Francisco (Skydiving). That has got my adventure buds tingling and I want to do one adventure every year. I've started planning for a Trek to Everest Base Camp for 2012 - lets see if it happens. The year ended on a not-to-good a note as I hurt a close friend - something that I never intended to do. That made me resolve to try not to do that in 2012, back off and not put too much pressure on the friend for this relationship.

And so its time to re-look at the 2011 resolutions made at the beginning of the year and see how we fared. So here goes:

1. STAY HEALTHY: Make sure that I use the gym at least 50% of the time i.e 183 days at least. Why 50%? Because I travel a lot and because weekends are off-limits. {Used much less but thankfully did not gain too much weight}.
2. STAY HAPPY: Try to reduce stress as much as possible. Remember nothing in life is worth stressing about. {Overall was a happy year}
   
3. BE A GOOD FRIEND: Unobtrusive, always at hand, helpful, lending a shoulder. Try not to loose a friendship. Be open in thoughts. Do not judge anyone. {Undecided. Was obtrusive but good on other counts. Must ask Sowmya to rate this one}
   
4. BE A GOOD HUSBAND & FATHER: Take care of the family. Do not be a cause of stress to wife and kids. Be helpful to kids and stand by them. Try to inculcate good values in them through practice and not preaching. {Fairly OK}
   
5. TRY NEW THINGS: Push the limits of experience. Try new things - be they food or experiences. Bungee Jumping and Sky Diving are two things I want to do this year. {Definite Yes, both done}
   
6. LEARN GOLF: This is a unfulfilled resolutions carried over from last year. Its a great game and teaches one a lot of patience and focus. Try to learn golf. {Carried over & Carry Over}
   
7. HAVE MORE HOLIDAYS: Learn to relax and chill. Try to have at least 1 holiday every quarter with family and friends. {Between Singapore, Kolkata and others - this was OK}
   
8. BUILD A BRAND: Build a brand for myself. Try to see if I can use my experience and knowledge to build a name for myself. Try to speak on marketing at colleges and events - at least 6 speaking opps this year. Try to blog on marketing on a popular site - at least 12 blogs in the year. {This was a no-go from the time I changed my job}
   
9. BLOG MORE: Continue blogging on this and my other blog. While the Book Review blog is active based on the books that I read, this blog has suffered. I want to try and cross 150 blogs on this blog - thats 70 blogs in 365 days. {Book Review was OK but Pensieve suffered big time. Must do better though I crossed 100 blogs finally}
   
10. EDUCATE MYSELF: Identify the gaps in my skill sets and undergo training to fill those gaps. These could be executive education or sessions in that particular skill set. Constantly try to learn new skills and things. Keep the brain active. More importantly use those skills in daily life - professional or personal. {Carried Over & Carry Over}
    
11. PUBLISH SOMETHING: Try to get my writing published. Could be a book, an article, a story, a letter but try and see if my writing can be spread wider. {Got my blogs published but then it was a self-publishing exercise}

Thank you for 2011 and time to look forward to 2012! Adios 2011!

Value perception of a Gift

'Its the thought that matters' is a oft used line when one gets a gift - the assumption being that the gifter has given enough thought to the likes and dislikes of the giftee to make this the perfect representation of what the giftee would love and swoon over. But have you noticed that this line is usually used when the 'swooning' does not happen. If the giftee really loves the gift, the eyes sparkle, the face lights up, the smile widens and a bear hug usually follows or at least a heartfelt Thank you. If none of the above happens and you get this line from the giftee - rest assured the gift was not liked that much but the giftee is too polite to say it.

Let's be frank among friends - isn't that the truth? How many times have you used this line on someone when you were not too pleased with the gift but had to show that you were.

A very basic core emotion of humans is satisfaction which comes from materialistic things. We put a value to all things that we experience in life. Our perception of the value may differ from someone else's but we do put a value on 'it' and IT also includes gifts that we get from time to time. When we get an unexpected gift or when we get a gift we really wanted and love, we show our emotions much more easily because we have put tremendous value on that gift. The 'Value Quotient' is very high.

This dichotomy between value and thought hit home recently on two diverse occasions. I am a strong believer in the 'thought' process of gifting i.e to gift a unique thing to close people after giving it considerable thought. I have gifted things like a bar game to people who enjoy drinks, a unique ash tray to friends who smoke, a framed group photo with messages from all the friends and some more.

For one of my friend I have been gifting these unique gifts over a period of time. Some of the gifts have been expensive and sometime not but each gift had a thought process, a reason and effort behind making it. In my perception the VQ was high but not for my friend. This year I gave my friend a branded product - something where I put a thought but low effort. The reaction was interesting as the friend thought that I had 'upped' the bar this year with the gift. For my friend, this gift had a high VQ!

At the other end, I recently gave another friend a unique customised pair of shoes where I put a lot of thought into the design, the colour scheme, the message, the type of shoe and followed up with the artist to get it done. For me the VQ was extremely high for this gift. When I showed it to some other people though for them the statement was 'You are gifting a shoe'? It just hit me that the VQ for my friend may not be that high for the gift.

At the end of the day all of us value the percieved monetory aspect of the gift rather than the thought given to the gift and that's a reality. In 2012, lets make a resolution to try and get beyond that.

When you get a gift, look at the thought process behind the gift and not the monetory value. If you say - 'Its the thought that matters' - mean it!

910603234300000

No, this is not someone's phone number or mobile number or a bank account number. This is, apparently, the total amount of money that the country has lost due to corruption at a larger scale. The figures may vary but we cannot dispute the fact that this is a significant amount lost for the people - money that could have been put to a good use for our betterment, if not for the greed of a few people.

At the cost of sounding unpolitical and making a drastic statement, I condone but understand the small time corruption of a few hundred rupees done by the policeman for letting you go for a traffic violation or the clerk for making your file 'move faster' but I don't understand the multi-crore rupees scam that a few people indulge in! I do agree that at one level its the same virus of corruption albeit at a much larger scale but don't the people who initiate these kinds of scams realise that the fallout of that is immense? Yes, for every few scams unearthed and the people caught, there could be many more still hidden in our country but isn't the whole media glare and ignomity of being paraded naked of all reputation enough for the others to get scared? Or is the lure of immense wealth so strong that people still indulge in these scams? Have scams become a part of our culture? And have we as people become immune to it?

Didn't this clerk realise that he would get caught or did he think that if he did he could 'bribe' himself out of it? The other thing that I find difficult to fathom is that these indivuduals who scam the government and us cannot enjoy their money openly anyway! If they do, they risk getting caught - so what fun is amassing wealth that you cannot use? Is it for their children? And when they get caught and their reputation is tarnished? Would their children be happy? I guess the question is how much is enough? Once the corruption virus enters your psychology when does it let go? Or does it at all?

I guess the DNA for people who are corrupt and aren't is different. We must aim to inculcate some simple values in our children - in the next generation.

• Money is not everything - its just something to help you live the way you want to happily.
• Having more money does not mean that you are smart. Give them examples of Harshad Mehta, Telgi, Katta, Kalmadi.
• Money cannot buy you respect. That has too be earned and you earn it by doing the right things.
  

I read this brilliant article in HBR - Money and the meaning of life - that reflects a lot of thoughts that I have about the importance of money in ours lives. Greed should not be the motivator for money.

LG & My issues!

No No....this is n't about the company LG or any consumer issues and complaints. This is the first part of the LGBT segment of people. For those who don't know that acronym (which world are you in, really?) its stands for 'Lesbian Gay Bisexual & Transgender' segment of people.

And I don't have any personal issues with the LG segment in that. Like any other straight guy I fantasise about lesbians and wonder about gay men. But at the same time I also live life with a credo - To each his own. If that is what makes one happy then so be it. Happiness is what matters most. What would I do if a gay man hit on me? I don't know - I'll probably be flattered but also let him know that my orientation is different.

So what is my issue? While I am OK with gay marriage and gay couples, I am not able to reconcile myself with gay parenthood. I am still of the traditional belief that a child needs both a father and a mother for a balanced mental growth. The influences of a man and a woman in the child's life probably help the child to get a balanced view of both the sexes that would help him/her in the long term.

But under this logic what about children of single parents or divorced parents or widowed parents or even children of parents that fight or abuse each other, you may ask? And you are right. I believe that the effects on these situations do shape the mental makeup of the child as he/she grows up. I am sure there is research out there somewhere which talks about how it affects the child in adulthood. Could be commitment phobia or becoming abusive or assuming that this is how life is etc. These don't bother me as much since I probably take these are part of 'natural' world - the italics and quotes being mine.

I think that in parenthood it is natural to have one male and one female member as part of your family. In all the above scenarios there is one member but not the other and that is a gap that is felt. The child probably grows up assuming that gap is a natural and tries to fill up that gap in adulthood in his/her own way. I think the world has become sensitive enough to take these situations as normal and educate the child in its own way. Gay parenthood, on the other hand, is something that is new and will require a whole lot of culture change in society and people. I think its unfair to put that burden on a small child of having to explain to their peers on why both their parents are male or female. I think that is expecting a lot from the child and its not fair to force that on a child for your own happiness.

What would the child go through? How would the child reconcile with the fact that everywhere there is one of each of both sexes but in my family both are of one kind. In the traditional world of father (male) and mother (female), who do I call father and mother when both are males or females? I find that situation difficult to explain and reconcile in my mental make-up. Is it right for gay couples to make a child go through all that pain for your own happiness?

At this moment I am on the side of 'No' for gay parenthood. I still need conviction to believe that its a correct thing. I still think society needs to mature way too much to give children of gay parents a fair chance at growing up. In a world that still does not accept gay relationships that easily, is it right to make the small children go through the trails and tribulations that will definitely accompany gay parents?

I am not sure. What about you?

To charity or not?

So here's a question that has been troubling me for some time now.

Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Vinod Khosla and a whole lot of wealthiest individuals and families in America decided to commit to give the majority of their wealth to the philanthropic causes and charitable organizations of their choice either during their lifetime or after their death. You can see all those 'donations' on 'The Giving Pledge'.

And then they decided to come to India to ask Indian noblesse to contribute their wealth. When they didn't get a great response the Indian media started to take them to task. And that's what has been troubling me. Is that right? Do the rich have to contribute their wealth? Is that an obligation or should it come from the heart? Are we right to judge those that decide not to contribute?

The answer to this debate gets into the realm of morality and capitalism v/s socialism. In our mass Indian culture, capitalism or the need to amass wealth is looked at with scorn. In line with our spiritual perception we are supposed to be altruistic in nature and also, incidentally, politically right and diplomatic. We are not supposed to flaunt our wealth and people who remain 'the same' inspite of being wealthy are rewarded with kind words and good image as compared to people who 'flaunt' their wealth. Don't believe me? Tell me what you think of Azim Premji or Narayan Murthy and now what do you think of Mukesh Ambani. Believe me now?

Coming back to the topic I have three views on the questions that I raised.

View 1: In US of A, the kids leave the house at 18 and are supposed to make a life of their own. In fact old age homes are a neccesity and taken for granted. Parents take care of themselves and go to an old age home. In such a scenario the thinking is more for yourself as compared to your kids. You have to first take care of yourself. If after that you have money left over, I guess you are at a liberty to think of giving away that wealth for a good cause and indulge in philantrophy. In India we start our lives thinking about ourselves and when we have kids we start living for them. All our success and wealth is tuned towards how we can take care of our children to the best of our ability till we die. We amass wealth to an extent to try and ensure that our children will live a happy life in case they are not able to find success that we did. If they do then they continue to grow the wealth for their kids. It is assumed that our children will take care of us in our old age and hence we do not make 'arrangements' for ourselves. In such a situation the wealth that we are earning is for our children and hence probably the low levels of obvious philantrophy.

View 2: Usually when you have wealth that people think you should share, you have worked very hard to get that wealth. Even if its ancestral if you have grown it, you have worked hard to do that. So I assume one would like to enjoy the wealth that one has worked hard for. If a Mukesh Ambani decides to build an Atilla, why not? he's worked for it. If I buy a new car every few years, I've worked hard to be able to do that. I believe that a person has a right to decide how he/she wants to spend the money that they have worked hard for and we have no right to judge someone who does not do blatant philantrophy.

And View 3: Philantrophy or charity is something that must come from the heart. It cannot be forced on you. Either you want to do it or you don't want to. You don't put a spotlight on someone and ask them to be philantrophic. At the same time, I believe that charity and philantrophy should not be spoken about. If you really believe in it and want to do it, you should do it quietly. Its not something to garner publicity from.

A recent article in Sunday Times resonated with my thinking in some ways and got to pen my thoughts down. You can read more about that here.

So there, at the present time these are my thoughts. Maybe these will change over time. I am sure a lot of you will disagree with some of my views and maybe some of you will agree.

For me charity or philantrophy must come from the heart and must be something that you do for yourself, not to tell others.

Skydiving: An amazing adventure!

What makes someone jump from a plane at 13,000 ft? Are they out of their mind? Don't they think about the risks involved?

Because it can be done!

I guess that's what seperates the people who do it from the people who don't. If you recall two of my resolutions for 2011 was Bungee Jump and skydiving. I did the world's highest bungee in Macau in Jan and today I did skydiving. What an experience! What a rush!

When I got to know that I will be coming to San Francisco, I started to do my web research for skydiving. I knew that the best place to do skydiving is in US, given the safety standards and processes that they will follow. I narrowed it down to some and decided that I will do it on the weekend prior to my conference. But the joy of meeting my friend after 10 years was enough for the weekend. I had all but given up hope to do skydiving on my current trip. Then I was mentioning this to my boss - Sanjay Deshmukh - and he said why not?

So across 25th May we called some spots around the area, finalised on one and booked our slot for 9am next morning at Skydance Skydiving in Davis, CA. Sanjay went on to hire a car and we left at 6.30am on a bright sunny morning on 26th May from our hotel. Sanjay drove and I accompanied him, as the sweet voice on the Garmin GPS gave us directions from Hilton Hotel in SFO to Yolo County in Davis, CA. We got there by 8am even before the place had opened. There were two young guys in line before us for the 8am slot and then it was us. So what happens now?

Well let me switch the narration style here. Skydance Skydiving is a cute little place in the middle of a picturesque county in CA surrounded by hills and beautiful plains. You first sign up for the package that you wish to take. You have a choice of 9000 ft, 13000 ft and 18000ft - the last one being with oxygen. The 9000ft jump gives you a free fall of 30 seconds, the 13000 one of 60 seconds and the 18000 one - well we didn't look at that. You pay extra if you want photos and video. We decided on the 13000ft with photos and videos package and it cost us US$ 305. The interesting part is that you pay the amount to the center, she then takes two small envelopes, places some money in it and marks one to be given to the tandem instructor and one to the video guy. So we asked why? Apparently the instructors and the video guy are freelance consultants and for the process to be followed they have to be paid by us. So the small cute little envelopes with money in them. Anyway you are also given a small coupon to redeem for your free T-Shirt.

You are then taken to a small room with lots of chairs and clip boards with forms and pen stuck on them. You are shown a video of skydiving and explained all the horrible things that can happen and that you are signing up for all possibilities. Wow, they show you this after you have paid the money, smart! Anyway you sign the forms and give it to the instructor. He then tells you what the next process will be.

You are explained that you will be given a jump suit and a harness to wear. When you are in the plane you will sit on your instructor's lap as he harnesses himself to you so that both of you are tightly clasped. You are harnessed at the shoulder and hip level with multiple harnesses and clasps. When you reach the altitude your instructor will slide along the plane to the door. Your feet will be dangling down the door and your hands will be holding your harness at the shoulder. You then place your head back on your instructor's shoulder, turn right and give a big smile to the video guy. And then you are off. As you fall off the door you must arch your back as much as possible and turn you legs back on to your instructor's ass. This is the position you keep through the free fall. The instructor also deploys a small parachute to slow the speed of fall. Once stabilised the instructor will tap you on your shoulder and you can then move your hands around. At 7500 ft he will show you the altimeter and guide your hand to the orange ball that holds the main chute. At 6500 ft you yank on it to deploy the main parachute. Then you just glide to the ground and enjoy the view. Remember all this is being explained to you on the ground in a small room before you have even worn your harness. So you smile and show that you are excited.

Then you wait till your name gets called. They had only two intructors when we got there and the two guys before us went first. We were now committed and there was no backing out. Sanjay and me watched as the plane took off with the first batch and then followed the descent to the ground. And then our names were called.

We met the first guys in the hanger and they were pumped with excitement. We, on the other hand, were wondering what we got ourselves into. We got introduced to our instructors or tandem guy - Garon for me. We wore the blue suit and the harness and practiced the procedure one more time. The video guy was there and he took my video before the airplane. We then got in with fake bravado smiles and we were off. As we reached 6000 ft, Sanjay and me looked at each other and exchanged a glance that we were only half way up and already we could see nothing down. Sanjay went first and then it was my turn.

Garon slid along the length of the small aircraft and before we knew it we were at the door with my feet dangling down. At that time my thinking and processing brain shut down. I was in the zone and was not thinking about what I was about to do or the associated risks. I placed my head on Garon's shoulder, turned right, smiled for the camera and with a sway or two we JUMPED! What the......!!

The first five seconds your brain does not process what has happened. Then it kicks in and you enjoy the rush. What a fantastic feeling. You are falling to the earth, the wind rushing to your face, twisting your cheeks, gravity pulling you down, the cold air numbing your fingers but the adrenaline rush is overpowering. As the video guy comes around you are smiling, waving, making signs and having a hell of a lot of fun. Its an experience that cannot be described. Each person will have their own twist to it. For me it was a serene, out-of-body experience. The earth was far far below, the clouds were around me and I was actually doing this! I looked around taking in the perspective from this height. But just as you start to enjoy the ride, its time to pull the chute. One moment you are falling and the next you have been pulled back and are in a standing posture. Frankly at that time it seems to you that it ended too soon. I wanted more of the free fall. I want more!

Once the chute is pulled it is a more easy glide. I tried my hand at the parachute as well for some time but then gave the controls to the instructor and just sat back and enjoyed the ride. It was absolutely beautiful. At this stage your brain is still processing the free fall that you had just experienced. As you near the earth the instructor asks you to raise your legs and he slides along the ground to a perfect landing. You are unharnessed and you shout and scream at the awesome fantastic thing you just experienced.

For a few moments after that I just stood there and realised that I had jumped from a plane at 13000ft, fallen for 60 seconds and then come back to earth safe and sound. Would I want to do it again? Absolutely! And this was all thanks to Sanjay Deshmukh!

So why did I do it? To push myself. To push the mental blocks. To make my kids realise that you should not fear new experiences. To say that I DID SKYDIVING! In your face, dudes!

Security & Suspicion: A Mugging Story!

I had seen it in Hollywood movies. I had read it in newspapers and novels. And I had wondered what would happen if I faced the situation. Well, I no longer need to wonder.

I got mugged in the US of A!

Well, we got mugged - a close friend of mine and I. And this didn't happen in the late evening or night. Neither did it happen in a lonely downtown area where we should not have been at all.

At around 3 in the afternoon, my friend and I walked close to where the car was parked after a good walk and lunch at Fisherman's Wharf - the most happening and crowded place in San Francisco area. As we neared our car, my friend was on his phone talking to his wife. He had his Nikon D50 DSLR slung on his right shoulder and I was just behind him. The street between the two junctions was empty of poeple - a small lull on that otherwise busy street. At both the junctions there were people. Suddenly we saw this young black kid - about 15 yrs old, 5ft 2in maybe, wearing a black jacket and a black cap - grab the camera strap and yelling "Give me the camera. Give me the camera". For about 10 seconds both my friend and me wondered why he wanted the camera and I was about to ask him what he was doing. Then our eyes went down and we saw a grey semi-automatic gun in his hand. It was hidden at his waist but clearly visible. We both thought that maybe it was a fake gun but this being US of A, he opened up his arms and the kid grabbed the camera. My friend was still on his phone and the kid said "Give me your phone as well". My friend and me were absolutely blank and just stared at his face. We moved back a couple of steps and the kid just bolted with the camera shoving the gun into his jacket pocket.

My friend and I looked at each other and suddenly woke up from a trance. We were both wondering what happened a few seconds back and suddenly realised that we had been robbed. We had been mugged in broad daylight at a most busy place by a young black kid with a gun. We had had a gun pointed at us and had survived. We were shaken and completely disturbed. We started discussing how we knew the gun was a fake and how we could have overpowered the young kid. Then slowly reality sunk in and we realised that this was US of A where people have been shot for lesser things. This was a black kid with a gun with nothing to lose. He ran away with the camera but he could easily have shot one of us and ran away as well. No one would have stopped him then either. Could we or should we have taken a chance that this was not a real gun? Should we have wrestled with him and risk getting randomly shot by a young guy who was probably scared and trigger happy? If we had wrestled him were his other gang members around who would have come to his rescue? We realised we had done the right thing.

My friend then called 911 and within minutes a cop car was there. The cops took the description of the kid and the event, sent a despatch across to HQ which I assume went to all other cars nearby, gave us a case number and apologised to me when I told them that I was a visitor. But me and my friend were completely shaken.

I am now a suspicious man in the US. I am a worried man about my own security. When we were waiting for a cop car to get to us, I locked the car doors and was looking with suspicion at a young woman who was waiting near our car. The street was a but deserted again for a few seconds before the junction signals changed but I was suspicious. We just went to a movie theater to see if we could catch a movie. We had waited in a slightly deserted parking lot of a mall as he searched on his phone for a nearby theater where the tickets would be available. After a few minutes I saw two people walking and a few cars coming into the parking lot. I asked my friend to screw the movie and just start moving the car. I was paraniod wondering if those people walking the street or those cars at 1130pm were general folks or criminals.

This episode has left a bad taste in my mouth for USA. If we can get mugged in broad daylight with a gun then where are we safe in this country? If a gun is in the hands of a 15yr old kid whose sole intention is to rob then what safety are we talking about in the developed country of USA? Thankfully it was just my friend and I without his family. What if his kids were with us and this guy would have pointed a gun at my friend's kid?

I no longer feel secure in USA and unfortunately I will now view every black man and kid with suspicious eyes and set perception in my mind. This is the most unfortunate backlash of this experience.

Now I just want to go home to my 'safe' India. At least I won't get robbed at gun point on busy M.G.Road at 3 in the afternoon - however 'bad' my country may be!

Power in a Relationship

"The Power in a relationship lies with the one who cares less" says Michael Douglas in 'Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past'.

This was a very intriguing statement and got me thinking. Was it really true? If you care less about a particular relationship, do you control that relationship? Sad as it may sound, I realised that it might be true!

When you are not that invested in a relationship, when it doesn't make a difference to you if the relationship works or not, you control the flow of the relationship. The balance between the one who is indifferent and the one to whom it matters the most is quite evident and skewed. And this is true in any relationship - whether its friendship, its a project team, its work related or its love.

In fact in love there is a corollary statement to this. It is said that you should marry the one who loves you as compared to marrying the one you love. The thought being that in this case the onus of making the relationship work is one the one who does the 'loving' or in other words the one who cares a lot for the relationship. The Power equation is clear and called out.

In fact the popular serial "How I met your mother" has an episode on this called 'The Hook' in which Barney proves that everyone has a hook - a person that they keep around just so that they can feel better. In life you have a hook and are a hook for someone.

I've been on both sides of the equation. I've had someone as a hook, was someone who was loved, was the one with Power in that relationships since it really didn't matter to me if that worked or not, I did not treat the person with the respect she deserved. I'm not proud of that because I am sure I hurt her a lot when I ended it.

I have also been on the other side as well - where I was the hook, I was the one doing the loving and I was the one who was under the Power in the relationship. It doesn't feel good. It gets frustrating because you hope that the person realises how much you love her and loves you back. Sometimes it does, sometimes it just doesn't.

So what do you do? Here is my submission.

If you are the one who holds the Power, if you are the one who is loved, if you are the one who has the hook - just treat the person who is loving you with respect. Treat them well and show them that they are special and that you value that love, though you may not be able to love them back in that manner.

If you are the one who is under the Power, if you are the one doing the loving, if you are the one on the hook - you have a choice. Either you can continue to love the person and hope. Or you can decide to walk away and give yourself a break. There is no right answer because love is not something that you can measure and take a call. Its just there. There are times when you will love that person for a long time and continue to hope. I just hope that the person listens to the para on top.

Love Is Strange!

Love, Sex aur Dhoka

No, I am not reviewing the movie by the same name but rather taking the context to espouse about a topic that is very very controversial. Needless to say, unlike my other posts, this post won't find its way to my facebook page.

So the intent of this post is to get you to think and respond on "Is sex with person 2 while in love with person 1 considered a dhoka?" The clear obvious answer is Of Course, how could you ask a question like this? But this has intrigued me for some time.

Love is an emotional state of mind. When you identify with the person, when you overlook their flaws, when you are willing to do anything for the person, when you want to be with the person at all times, when you forgive their mistakes; that's when you reach an emotional state of mind called Love.

Sex, on the other hand, is a physical state of affair. Note that I do not call it a 'state-of-mind' because I don't believe it is. In its base form sex is a physical need that needs fulfillment. It is the core of lust and many a times has nothing to do with love.

Sex is also a natural progression into the physical realm of the emotional state of love. How do you show your love for a person? When you feel an overwhelming sense of love for a person, when you need to show it and shower the person with your feelings, it leads naturally into a physical form. But then its not called sex - its called love making! And it is the true representation of love. You do make physical the emotional state of love and hence love-making or making-love.

And therein lies the Catch22 situation. And I think the way that a man and a woman look at this part of the relationship. Most men compartmentalise sex and love-making into seperate sections. They love someone dearly and for them that is making love to the person. At the same time most men are sexually driven and use sex as a means to fulfill that physical need. They don't look at sex and love-making in the same sense. They make-love to one person and have sex with someone else. That is the core reason for prostitution, in my view, among many other things. And maybe to some extent infidelity, although I think in their minds its infidelity.

For most of the women, sex is actually love-making. It is a natural progression post the emotional bonding. Women move towards the physical act only after achieveing the emotional bonding. Without the emotional bonding of love, there is no sex. In that sense when their man has sex outside of marriage it is cheating because in their minds how can the man have sex unless he is in love with her. That means he doesn't love me anymore. And its emotional cheating. I don't think (and I could be wrong) that their anger and feeling of loss is more on the emotional front (he loves someone else) rather than on the physical front (he had sex with someone else).

For women, Love (one) & Sex (with other) is Dhoka. For men, Love (one) & Sex (with other) is not Dhoka.

What is right and what is wrong? Truly? I don't know. I know the obvious answer but in truth I am not so sure!

Change

The Bangalore International Airport shifted 40 Kms away from the city and everyone was up in arms - its too far, we'll have to leave 5 hrs early, keep the current airport running and so on.

Airtel changed their logo and the social space in India went nuts taking it apart - it looks like a squiggle, what - this is called a logo?

Facebook introduced a new way to view photos and the buzz began again - I hate it, I want the earlier way back.

Why is CHANGE such a bad word? Our first involuntary reaction to change is always resistance and negative. We wishes things did not change and that everything remained the same always. Once we know how things work we want them to always be that way. Its easy to do the same job everyday, its easy to take the same route, do the same routine, watch the same programs, have the same relationships and you can extend that to almost any aspect of your life.

But change we do - from the moment we are conceived. We change in physical, mental and emotional status. We grow, we evolve, we learn, we adjust and we change. The fear of change seems to be linked to our growing consiousness. You change the settings for a child and the child seems to adjust easily to the new settings. As a parent have you given a thought on how you 'blame' the fact that you cannot change your house or job or city because your children will not be able to adjust? And have you realised that if you are forced to do that, the children adjust the most easily. They make their surroundings their own and form new relationships with the ecosystem.

As we grow older we seem to get 'set' in our ways. We get comfortable with the way things are and with the fact that we know how the world is supposed to work. We fear that if things are changed then we will lose the semblance of order and be thrust into chaos. We fear that we will be unable to deal with it and most of all we fear the loss of existing knowledge. We tend to become change-resistant with age. But resistance to change brings with it its own problems of stress, frustration and anger.

We sometimes tend to remain in the same job or relationship or city giving up seemingly better options because of this fear of change. I know what is needed of me in this job or I know how to deal with his/her emotions in this relationship or I know this city so well and I have friends etc etc that I am OK to let go of that 'better' alternative. But we also envy those who seem to take up those options and seem to do well compared to us. That gets us thinking if we would have been 'happier' if we had taken up that change option. Remember this is all a perception that could crop up.

For me change is a state of mind at that moment of time. If you are able to adjust to that change, the fact that changed becomes a part of your now daily life. Recall all those times when you resisted change but had to change. Do you recall why you resisted the change? Now it feels stupid that you had to resist it because this is how life is, isn't it? This becomes the current comfort zone and you will go through the same process if the current status quo were to change. No one thinks twice about the time and distance to the new Bangalore airport now. There are no discussions on the Airtel logo and we continue to be on facebook irrespective of how many changes they bring.

While these are trivial things the bigger changes in life too fall under the same process. Its all in the mind. The intelligent thing to do is to analyse what will change, why it will change and build your new world around that because frankly change is the only thing that keeps life exciting. Without things changing life would be so boring that we might as well just sleep through it!

The best way to end would be the quote from 'Forty Rules of Love' - Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?