Day 28 - Sibling Bonding

45 days back, on 14th July in my Day 3 post, I spoke about the arrival of my two nephews from US. They were traveling alone and we were all worried if they will arrive safely. Of course, they did!

The initial thought was also how the four cousins, nephews at 13 (Arijit) & 9 (Shubhojit) and my kids at 7 (Ipsita) & 2 (Tarush), would react to each other and if they would bond and play together. After all they were seeing each other after 3 years and a lot of things had changed in that time. The last time Jeet and Shubho came to India, Ipsi was 4 and Tarush was not there. The other objective of sending the boys alone ahead from US was also to give them time to interact with the family and get to know their cousins.

Its interesting to see how things change and bonds are formed. Tarush, being 2, had no preconceptions about what to do with whom and so started interacting with his cousins right away. He asked them for things, told them to play with him, got them to operate the DVD to play his favorite movie - Rock On - and rode them as horses. Ipsi, on the other hand, is at an age where she has to analyse if the person is worth it. She approached her cousins (and vice-versa) with trepidation and unsure of how to react and what to say. The initial days were spent in the three cousins tentatively interacting with each other. As the days passed they started playing together and interacting more freely. It did help that we went for outings across all weekends like Innovative Film City, Aircraft Museum, Fun City at Oasis Mall, the Planetarium and other places. As they were forced to spend some time together they started bonding very well.

Interestingly Ipsi and Shubho (both just two years apart) have bonded very closely and in the end were off playing on their own. Shubho was explaining to her about things in US and Ipsi would tell him about things here. Jeet on the other hand bonded very well with Tarush, and that was the unexpected part. His mom (my sis-in-law) also commented that she had not seen this side of her elder son. Tarush would want to sit with his elder cousin and play with him only.

Today, as they left in the morning, I am sure the kids will miss each other tremendously. While Tarush may not have too many memories the next time they meet, I am sure Ipsi and Shubho have formed a long lasting relationship while Jeet has discovered a new caring side to himself.

Siblings bond over common interests. While they may be forced into a relationship because of family, they form their bonds that last a lifetime. I remember with great nostalgia the wonderful summer vacations spent in Hyderabad with my cousins - the games we played, the plans we made, the books we read and the music we danced to. This feeling continues to this day.

All this is possible because my wife has a sister and she has kids. This is another point in favour of having two kids. When the family has two kids, the siblings get to meet and bond and form lifelong relationships. In a single child family sometimes the kids do not have these close relationships as they don't have first cousins.

I hope Jeet, Shubho, Ipsi and Tarush form a life long relationship and that it gets augmented when my sister gets married and has her children.

Day 27 - Not family but FAMILY

We celebrated my father-in-law's (FIL)75th birthday yesterday at home with a surprise party for him. My wife's sister and her family is down as well and so for my father-in-law it was his entire family at one place.

But the interesting part is that we also invited 5 families to this do. None of these are family to my FIL in the strictest sense. They are not related at all and neither are their parents or their ancestors in any way to my FIL or his family. My FIL knew their parents or them when he came to Bangalore from US more than 40 years back. They formed a friendship that has lasted from their generation to the next and has continued onwards.

And that is the interesting part. These five families are not FAMILY but sometimes more than that in the real sense. The families are a support system to him and his family over the years. The kids (my wife and sister-in-law) have grown up with this support system that has contributed a lot on their lives, in their values and in their upbringing. The families bond close together and have always been there for each other. This is the extended family that every family must have.

I am envious in a way of them. How many friendships convert into extended families in your life? How many friends can you call as your extended family who will do anything for you? Who will be available for you when you need them? And for whom you will do anything as well? The key is to have such a friendship that is reciprocatory in nature and you know you can back on. Many family friendships are one-way in the sense that either we feel special for the other family or they for us and it is not mutual. Very rarely do you come across family friends that have mutual affection.

Remember again that as a family you are bound together and so you love them and hate them but do compromises to get along with them. With your family there will be good times and bad times but because they are family you will invest to make it work.

With friendships that become an extended family, it requires a lot of trust, of affection, or respect, of work, of time and mostly of love of all the quirks and good things to make it work. You have to accept the friend in their good times and bad and they have to accept you. Your secrets are mutually known and your faults are mutually accepted. Your opinions are mutually respected and loved. You, like the other family, should be willing to make an effort if things do not go your way.

The key word is MUTUAL.

Its important to have this extended family as a support system. Sometimes this extended family supports you more or are closer and help you more than your actual family.

We (the Veluris) have two families that we call our extended family.

Do you have one?

Day 26 - Last Days & 10 Things

Edward Kennedy died a few days back at 77 from Brain cancer. While everyone will speak volumes of him and how great he was - which he was....a reformer, a law maker, an influencer, a low key high impact senator and many more - NY Times did a great piece on his last days.

You can find it here - After Diagnosis, Determined to Make a ‘Good Ending’ - which talks about how Sen Ed Kennedy decided to live life after he was diagnosed with his disease and got to know the limited time frame that he has. It talks about how he stuck to his schedule, put his affairs in order and decided to pass the remaining days doing what he loved best. He spent it with his family and loved ones finally passing on a legacy that they will always remember.

I have always wondered at the mind of a person who gets to know that he/she has limited time to live. What goes through that person's mind? I am sure numerous books have been written explaining the various stages and how to cope with them. But then again you cannot feel all this till you are in the same shoes. And I hope and pray that you and me do not get to wear those shoes.

Movies like 'Anand' & 'Mili' have been made which showcase the happy-go-lucky attitude of a terminally ill person and how the person's acts affect everyone. But can someone really be like that? When the person knows that their time is very limited? I assume the attitude of a person to this news would differ based on the age and how the person has lived their life till then. An old person who has had a good life might look at this as an opportunity to do things that he/she did not do in their life. A young person, on the other hand, might get angry at the fact that they are not been given a chance to live their whole life. 'Kaash' is a great example of how a very young boy decides to cope with the news.

I've wondered what would I do if I heard a news like that? And I've never found a perfect answer. So I put a twist to that question in my mind and asked myself - 'What are the 10 things that you would like to do before you die?' That seemed like a reasonable question to answer. So here is my list of 10 things in no specific order or priority.

1. See my kids settled in life and happy.
2. Hear from my kids that they are proud of me.
   
3. Hear from my wife that I gave her a good life and she was happy to spend it with me.
4. Do some adventure sports like Bungee jumping, sky diving, zero gravity flight, deep sea diving.
   
5. Get to meet my idol - Amitabh Bachchan
   
6. Hear from my friends that they love me - one in particular. In whatever form of love that might be!
7. Get a tattoo.
8. Publish a book - novel or short stories.
9. Get to see space or do a space travel flight.
10. See humans settle on other worlds - Moon or Mars.

I am sure this list will change as time goes by and it'll be good to come back to it later.

What are your 10 things?

Day 25 - Boy into Man

When does a Boy become a Man?

Numerous articles have been written on this subject and so many people have expressed their views. Do a google on 'Boy becomes Man' and it throws up 7,390,000 results in 0.16 seconds. Wow!

So why add my two-bits to this perennial question? Because I think I have a different perspective on this. (doesn't everybody?). Many have spoken about times when a boy comes up against a challenge and surmounts it or when a boy has his first girlfriend or when a boy moves out of the house and starts to live life on his own. When he starts taking responsibility for his actions. And these are all valid thoughts.

I believe that a boy will always remain a boy till he thinks that he has someone who he can go to for advice and help. Until such time that there is a figure in the family who has the perceived authority to take decisions or give advice or at whose chair the buck stops.......a boy will remain a boy. When taking a decision in your life do you inform your father or think about what he would say? Then you are still a boy. Do you 'blame' your father for some of the decision that got taken in your life? Even though at that time that is what you wanted? Then you are still a boy and believe me that is a good thing. Bearing the onus of all decisions is not such a great place to be in. As children we always tend to blame the bad decisions on our parents, especially our fathers, and take credit for all the good decisions. Sometimes not taking a decision on your behalf is also a decision that the father has to take. But he gets blamed for it.

There is a transition that happens when the tables start to tilt and you start to experience what it means to be in your father's shoes. What does it to mean to take decisions and give advice. What does it mean to bear the responsibility of your family coming to you for your views and thoughts on any aspect. That's when you start the process of becoming a man.

This is especially true, or more so, in the case of a first born son or the only son. Remember I am talking about a boy becoming a man - not a girl becoming a woman (which would a different blog altogether). In the case of a younger brother who has an elder brother to look up to, things will always be different. The younger son will always be a boy and be free of the responsibility of family decisions.

So when the transition begin? I believe it begins the day a son sees his father in an Intensive Care Unit of a hospital. The day he sees his father as a human and frail being, his transition to becoming a man begins on that day. He realises that this phase of his dad being a super human has passed and it is time for him to bear that mantle of responsibility. Psychologically he starts to prepare himself for that role. It also starts affecting the father sub-consciously wherein he starts to defer some decisions to his son to get him started on that path. That is the inflection point. Hopefully that day does not come soon in most son's lives but comes at a stage when the boy is ready to become a man.

Remember Godfather and the scene where Don Vito Corleone decides to pass on the mantle to his son Michael? It happens after the shoot out and him being in the hospital!

So my advice to all son's is to enjoy being a boy and pass on all decisions to your father till it is time to bear that responsibility because after that it will not be an easy life!

Day 24 - Friendships: Nurture or Nature?

You cannot choose your family but you can choose your friends. I remember this line being told to me by my parents when I was young. It always implied that one must choose one's friends with care as your friends not only reflect your character but help shape your character as well.

While this is great advice I've always wondered if friendships need to be nurtured or are formed by chance, by luck and by nature. I haven't found a perfect answer for that.

I think the real answer lies somewhere in between nature and nurture. We don't go looking out for perfect friends or best friends. We come across multiple people in our lives but only a few of them turn out to be really good friends. People whom we love and people for whom we would do anything at any time. People whose moves and moods we can predict and people in front of whom we stand exposed and transparent with our emotions. These are the real friends.

But do we need to nurture these kind of friendships? Do we need to spend time and effort to make an acquaintance into a real friend? I think you do. A friendship, in my mind, is like a seed. You have to give it water, enough sunlight, sometimes a fertilizer and enough attention to make it bloom. But a friendship is also a two way street. It has to be a symbiotic relationship in that both the people involved must feel that they have gained from the relationship. A relationship that is based on only one person giving at all times and another only receiving is not friendship. And this give and take can be anything - it can be emotions, it can be love, it can be attention or it can be support. I believe that in a friendship there also needs to be a show of emotions i.e each party must be comfortable to show the other the value of that person in their lives.

A relationship cannot become a friendship if it is parasitic in nature. If a person does not get reciprocation of their emotions, then the friendship can never bloom into something amazing and lifelong. Then the 'friendship' is restricted to presence. It becomes a case of out-of-sight-out-of-mind and it can't really be called a friendship. It gets relegated to an acquaintance.

But the initial stage of this relationship is by chance, by luck. Of the many people you encounter in your life, there are but a few with whom you 'click', with whom you 'hit it off' the first time you meet. You feel comfortable in that person's presence and can talk and exchange ideas. This is the nature part. This is the luck part. You might meet that person again sometime and realise that your ideas and thoughts match to an extent or that you like to debate with the person and talk to the person. These are the many seeds that you sow in your garden of friendship. And you come across many such people.

The challenge post this is the nurture part where you start to focus on a few of these seeds and realise that you are getting the same response from that person as well. This then grows into a friendship that can become a crucial supporting factor in your life.

So the answer to forming a friendship is somewhere in between Nature and Nurture. It starts off with Nature but you need to Nurture it for it to become a deep and a meaningful friendship.

I can count at least 5 such friendships that I know reciprocate my feelings and 3 more that I hope they do!

What about you?

Day 23 - H1N1

The H1N1 pandemic has everybody in its grip. Masks have become the order of the day and people are postponing visits to their favourite movies or tourist locations. If someone sneezes or coughs near you, you tend to move away from the person. If a family member as much as sniffles, you tend to ensure that there is enough medication for cold and you fix an appointment with the doctor immediately. If you doctor tells you that its a regular cold, you want to have a second opinion.

We are all scared! Is the panic valid? Should we closet ourselves in a room and decide not to come out till this blows over? Should we take inordinate precautions to ensure that we do not get a cold?

Why are we so scared by this simple flu?

I guess the answer lies in the nature of this illness. When a potential killer disease disguises itself into the most common ailment - one that happens to all of us multiple times a year - then we don't know how to react. How can we - as laymen - distinguish between the dreaded H1N1 and the simple cold / cough? At the same time the common flu is highly contagious by nature. Our kids get the common flu through other kids in school. How do you protect against that?

And therein lies the danger of H1N1. It disguises itself into a common flu, its highly contagious and its difficult to distinguish. A common flu variant that lasts for a longer time might have been OK. A common flu that needs higher dosage of medication might have been OK. But a common flu that kills is a one to fear.

Today we are running scared of a simple sniffle or a small cough. Where will this lead us? Will we become a world of masks? Will we be afraid of the simple cold? How long will we have to live in this fear? I think none of us have answers to that.

Will this fear improve our hygiene manners? Will the whole world start washing their hands and sneezing into their tissues? Will this effect a change like AIDS with disposable needles and barbers changing razors for every shave? Unfortunately, I don't see that happening.

I just hope that H1N1 does not mutate into something more dangerous.

Day 22 - Independence Day

Its 15th August and its India's 62nd Independence Day today. On 15th August 1947, India won its independence from the British rule.

Over the last few days I have been racking my brains to answer a basic question - What does Independence Day mean to me? What does Freedom mean to me? What is the importance of this day in my life?

I've come up short on answering all these questions and still haven't found an answer for them.

I was born in a free country and have lived my life in a free country. Although sometimes it doesn't feel like that with the communal tensions and the constant news of 'freedom of expression' getting squashed at various times.

We call ourselves a free country but college kids are not allowed to wear the dress of their choice, caste discrimnation is rampant when Dalits are not allowed to enter temples, artists like M F Husain and many others cannot take creative liberties on our Gods and Goddesses, taboo subjects abound like pre-marital sex or teenage sex and people like Khusboo are prosecuted if they speak on the subjects, a little nudity on screen or magazine cover makes the artists face courts, politicians use language or location to incite people against 'immigrants' and God save you if you said anything against the reigning political figures like Bal Thackeray or Sonia Gandhi.

Are we really free or are we living in the shadow of all these repressive thoughts? Are we really free or do we just live life by walking a path to avoid these choices? Did we pass on the mantle from the Britishers to the moral police and politicians who pull our strings and make us dance to their tunes?

I wonder then why I should feel patriotic towards my country if I really live in fear and not free!

But I still do. I feel patriotic when terrorists attack my country, I feel patriotic when I hear my national anthem playing somewhere, I feel patriotic when I see movies like Lagaan, Lakshya and Rang De Bsanti and I feel patriotic when A R Rahman lifts the Oscar.

But really shouldn't I feel patriotic when I see India Gate and the Amar Jawan Jyoti rather than treating is as a tourist attraction? Shouldn't I feel patriotic when the soldier at Kargil dies protecting me and I see his coffin?

I am a confused man because I don't know if I live in a free country and I don't know what I feel for my country.

For me, unfortunately, Independence Day has been reduced to a holiday where I can sleep in late.

And that is sad! Something needs to be done to make me and the next generation feel proud of my country and to value my freedom!

Day 21 - Will I love my second child as much as my first child?

Its a question that many parents think about subconsciously when they are expecting their second child. More true if there has been a fair gap (3-5 years or more) between the first child and the coming of the second child.

With your first child you have devoted your time, attention, love and affections completely on him/her. You have grown with the child and experienced the world for the first time through its eyes. You have learned new words and new ways of saying the same words with the first born. You have fallen in love all over again and the child is the center of your being. Even your spouse comes a far third to the child.

Now you are expecting a second child and while there is a happiness in the fact that your first born will have a sibling, there is also a constant question if you will love your second child as much as you did your first. You think that you have already experienced all the joys of parenthood in terms of showering affection, seeing new things and hearing new sounds through the first child. Will I be able to re-experience the same things again and have the same exhilaration when the second one does all this again?

I had that question! Ipsi was 4 when Ani was expecting again and while I was happy, I had this constant fear in my mind. I loved Ipsi to the core. Like all parents, I though she was the cutest, most beautiful and most smart child I had ever seen. I was worried if I would have the same strong feelings for my second child. I did not want to be a parent who distinguishes between the love for their two children. I did not want to be the one who loves the first born more than the second and tries hard to hide those feelings. And I was afraid.

To all those who go through the same feelings.........Relax!

The miracle of birth takes care of all that. The moment I laid eyes on my son, I knew that the cycle had started again. As the child grows older you experience the same feelings that you did the first time. In fact they are different than the first time. As everyone says (and we rarely believe it) each child is different from the next one. And that comes out so evidently when you have two children. The second child does things dramatically different from the first one and you experience the same fun, happiness, pride, joy and love for the second child.

My son does things that my daughter never did and vice-versa. Tarush climbs on audio speakers, tables, plays with cars, breaks things, wants to play with switches and so many things that Ipsi never did. Ipsi was silent, loved to play with her dolls and her fantasies, loved fairy tales and long hair. She still does actually.

The fun is that the two children bond with each other so well and that sight brings joy to your heart. More details in my other blog on Day 16

Today I can proudly say that my fear was unfounded and I love both my children very much. In fact because I am re-living the discovery phase with my son again, my first born might complain at times that I love my second born more than her!!!

Different Problem........different blog! :)

Day 20 - मन का हो तो अछा, मन का ना हो तो ज़्यादा अछा

BigB believes in the phrase and says that its like the Bachchan family motto. It was passed on from his father to him and he has passed it on to his son Abhishek and daughter Shweta who in turn will pass it on to their children.

Its the Bachchan family motto and I think its a great one.

What you wished for with all your heart.....if it happens, its good; but what if it doesn't? Its even better. Because then its happening according to what God wished and He would never wish bad for you.

An extension of that would also be what our parents usually tell us when something bad happens to us. Don't worry about this small hiccup - God must have planned something better for you.

But I guess that's what life is about, isn't it? Hope! And that is why I really like the Bachchan family saying - मन का हो तो अछा, मन का ना हो तो ज़्यादा अछा

When our heart breaks in love and it does not happen according to what we wished for, we should pull ourselves together and know that He did not wish this for us and there is something better in the future. When we don't get the job that we aimed for or didn't crack the interview, its for the better because this one was not meant for us.

At the end of the day it all boils down to hope and faith. Faith that things will get better and time will heal the pain and the wounds. And it does. In hindsight we look back at things and smile that we felt pain at that moment. We move on and as time flies, life takes us along.

Hope makes the world go around.

And I guess thats what spirituality is about. As Indians we have immense faith in Him and His plans for us. We firmly believe that He does not wish ill for us and in the final analsis of life, it will all work out for the positive. After all if you don't experience pain, how will you know the value of happiness?

So next time things don't go according to plan, remember - मन का हो तो अछा, मन का ना हो तो ज़्यादा अछा!

Day 19 - Mind Over Body

First, have a look at this video before you read the blog today - Mind Over Body. (If it opens up in the same window, do come back after viewing it)

Now tell me isn't that awesome? I really admire people like this person who can have a bohemian spirit even in the face of extreme adversity. It makes you wonder what the human mind is capable of.

What makes people like him tick? What makes them live life in such high spirits even when they can look around them and realise that other people are so 'lucky'? What makes their minds so strong that they do not succumb to depression but rise above their limitations and are able to show people like us how to live life?

I have HUGE admiration for people who can make their mind work over their bodies and live life really King Size. The first time I heard about Christopher Reeve's accident I was devastated - not because it was Superman who lost the faculties of his limbs but because I could not imagine a life where you have lived healthily for so many years and then suddenly find yourself without the use of your body. How does one live like that? Doesn't one think about all the 'good' times in one's life of running, playing etc and then look at oneself and feel pity and depression? What does it take for a Christopher Reeve to live a healthy life even after the accident? What did he say to himself to live a life like that? I had nothing but tremendous appreciation and respect for him in his second life.

The same admiration applies to people who discover that they have a life threatening disease but use their willpower to fight it and come back. Lance Armstrong, Amitabh Bachchan, our aunty next door, my dad and so many others. They have gone through hell with the disease, had surgeries and body abuse and used their willpower to fight the pain and come back standing tall.

I sometimes wonder that if I ever find myself in such a situation, will I be strong enough to use my mind over body and win the battle or will I wallow in self pity and go into a downward spiral of depression?

I hope I am strong enough and like the man in the video says - "I have the willpower to stand up after I have fallen".

Day 18 - Chaddi Dost / Langotiya Yaar

Its a Hindi slang that literally means a friend so close that you can share underpants (gross) or one with whom you have grown up or known since the time you were kids but really implies a friend who has been with you for a long time and with whom you can share anything.

I envy my wife sometimes. She has a friend with whom she goes back to school times. They've been together for over 25 years now and have lived together through the good times and the bad. They've supported each other and have been each others sounding boards. Both of them know about each others darkest secrets and know that they are there for each other.

My sister and I did not have the luxury of this kind of friendship. Our father was in the government service which meant that every 5 off years we would move from one city to another. By the time we would have formed a bond with one person in that city and neighborhood, we would have to move to a different city and make new friends. Our oldest friendship stretches back to our college days - at least mine does.

The longest term friendship that I have I share with three people from my engineering days - that's just over 19 years old. Two of them - Kaushal (yes, we share name) and Shivraj are in US, while the third - Arvind - is in Mumbai. The best part of our friendship is that we may not talk to each other for months or sometimes year on end but when we start talking its from our last conversation as if we never had a break. I guess that's the fun of lasting friendships. It doesn't matter that we haven't spoken or interacted for a long time. Its just that we know about the other and pick up the thread when we meet.

Its also strange that we move on in life but our lasting friendships are usually the ones that form just like that - almost by luck.

We don't find friends, friendships find us.

When we meet someone for the first time we don't decide that I want to have a long lasting friendship with him/her. Its not a pre-meditated relationship. I believe that real friendships happen over a period of time and before we know it we form the relationship.

Kaushal, Shivraj, Arvind and me are as different from each other as chalk from different forms of cheese. But we are friends!!

Do I miss the fact that I don't have a friendship like my wife's? Sometimes...but I also know that I have a similar friendship with few people in this world.

I can say that Arvind, Shivraj and Kaushal are my chaddi dosts!

Who are yours?

Day 17 - Crossroads and Defining Moment

Every decision that you make in your life is actually a crossroads decision. You always have choices and you choose one decision over another. This applies to almost every single thing that we do - right from what clothes to wear in the morning to what breakfast to have to what route to take to office and so on. Sometimes a simple mundane decision like what shirt to wear can have a lasting impression on that day.

But once in a while you come to a crossroad that defines your path forward. You may not know it at that time but in hindsight you can clearly identify that decision fork and you wonder what would have happened if you would have chosen the other road. How would your life have turned out then? Sometimes you are thankful for taking the path you chose and at other times you wish that you could have taken the other path.

My father says that the decisions we make are determined by our destiny. Our destiny is already written and we actually take the decisions that lead us to that. I contradict him with my perspective that our decisions determine our destiny and where it leads our life. We agree to disagree on the count that probably by the time I reach his age I might have the same view as his.

I put this in my pensieve and hope to get back to it when I get to his age.

When I look back I can clearly identify that one moment in time which decided on the course of life where I am today. The interesting part is that I did not have to make that decision.

!FLASHBACK!

August 1994 (15 years back), I had just gone back to Dehradun after a few bad months of work and did not want to get back to where I was working at that time. I stayed put for a few months in Dehradun and then decided to go to Mumbai to try my luck and getting a job there. I thought that I would get any sales job there and we will take it from there. Refer to my earlier post on "What are you afraid of?" to get my perspective.

I booked my train ticket from Dehradun to Delhi and Delhi to Mumbai by Rajdhani. I had a waitlisted ticket from Delhi to Mumbai but I was confident of getting a confirmed one. I had done that quite a few times using a tout at the Hazrat Nizamuddin station when in college. I landed up early morning in Delhi and got in touch with the tout who assured me that I would get a confirmed ticket.

!DRAMATIC VIOLIN MUSIC!

Come the time for the train and I did not have a confirmed ticket - not even RAC and I had to miss the train. Decision Fork came up then and I had a choice to either stay back for a day and try for a ticket for the next day or just go back to Dehradun and figure out what to do.

I called home in Dehradun and told my mom that I was coming back. Dejected and seeing my Mumbai dreams chug away, I took the train and reached Dehradun at 2am the next morning.

THAT WAS THE DECISION THAT CHANGED MY LIFE!

I decided that I would work for some time in Dehradun and study for the management exams. I did that for a year working at Radix Technologies selling Modi Olivetti computers and Tektronix Test and Measurement Instruments. I 'studied' for management tests.

I gave the first exam - Times School of Marketing - and passed through the written, GD and Interview landing a seat there. I decided to take it up and landed in Delhi for the one year course.

Studied, met Anindita, fell in love, followed her to Bangalore after the course, joined Genesis, then 3M, spent one year convincing Ani's parents to let us marry, married her, BuyAsOne, bought a house and car, IBM, Oracle and now at Citrix. Its now 13 years in Bangalore and 14 years of knowing Ani.

Why do I call that Rajdhani chugging away as my Defining Moment? Because if I would have got the ticket, I would have landed in Mumbai, got a job and never met Ani or any of my current friends. I would not have had the life I had.

Do I think back on what would have happened? Not really, coz I love this life that I have and would not trade that for anything.

So, what is your defining moment?

Day 16 - Two kids or One Kid?

I have two kids - a daughter (7) and a son (2) - and I face this question quite often. How do you manage with two kids? My one kid is a handful. And I always tell these parents that two kids are any day better than one. I usually get an expression of disbelief followed by a statement to the tune of - Of course you have to say that now, you have two kids. Bet you wouldn't have said that few years ago when you had just one kid.

We - my wife and I - have always been clear that we want two kids, if not more. Both of us come from a two kid background and we know the fun and comfort of having someone to talk to and share life with. I have always believed that a family that has a single kid deprives the child of companionship at a later stage. The concept of sharing is much easier if you have had a sibling. And sharing is not just in the materialistic manner of toys, gifts and chocolates but more esoteric in terms of love, affection and emotions.

When you have a sibling you learn to share the affection of your parents and grand parents. You learn easily that you can love two people at the same time just as you love your parents and your sibling. You learn that its Ok to share your thoughts with others and you get a secret-keeper of your own. As you grow up you have someone to go to for questions and someone to whom you can tell your deepest secret without the fear of being judged. Of course all this is also a generalisation because some of you will be shaking you head and saying that my sibling was a secret-leaker rather than a secret-keeper but I am sure you had fun even then. In the long term you get someone that you can bank on.

Its also easier for parents to handle two kids. The second child is usually more easily handled than the first child. This observation and statement of mine invariably brings about a look from single parents that says "You're out of your mind!" But it is true. With the first child you don't know what has hit you. There are no books or manuals to tell you how to handle a child. Its all on the job learning and your parents too have forgotten about it. So, with the first child you go through stress, trauma, joy, frustration, pain, elation and all the feelings in between. You discover new things with your first born. When your only child falls ill, you freak out. A single child also gets pampered a lot and I think that affects the child in the long run. Some single children tend to think that they are the kings and queens because they have always been treated like that. The real lonesome world outside comes as a surprise to them.

When the second child comes along you are usually a little better prepared and know this stuff. It becomes relatively easy to take care of the second child and sometimes you have the help of the first child for that too. When your second child falls ill, you usually take out the medicine and give it to the child having experienced this before. You don't run hysterical to the doctor. The first child also learns responsibility and the concept of sharing things much more easily. She sees the fact that parents and family give equal love and understands that this is possible. She understands that its OK to share these feelings with a wider audience. And she understands that this is what love is.

The two children bond and you reap the benefits of that.

I always advocate that everyone must have two children - both for your sake and for the child's sake. Sibling Love usually surmounts any obstacle in life.

Day 15 - Monday Morning Blues & Newton's First Law of Motion

My daughter had a three day weekend with a holiday on Friday for 'Vara Mahalakshmi Puja' followed by Sat & Sun. We also had a packed weekend with Innovative Film City on Saturday and a tennis outing on Sunday. The result? My daughter had her first experience of Monday Morning Blues. She took a long time to wake up in the morning and get ready and sitting in the car she turned to me and said "I don't feel like going to school today".

I wanted to tell her that its OK and turn the car around and drop her home. But the reality is that I could not afford to set a precedent on this. If I turned the car around now, it was a matter of time before she would say this again - maybe next Monday. Also it was time to let her know that missing school was not an option.

But it also got me thinking - What are Monday Morning Blues? Why do we feel that? Why do we feel so lethargic that we do not wish to go to work? Monday Morning Blues do not come if the Monday is a holiday? Its only because its the first day after a few holidays that we get this feeling. It goes back to the effect of change and the rule of inertia. In physics the rule of inertia or Newton's First Law of Motion states that "Every body in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it".

Now, of course, Newton meant this for physical bodies (every body) but really it applies just as well to our minds (everybody). Monday Morning Blues are a perfect example of that. Over the weekend, and more so if its a long weekend, our minds get into a state of motion called Rest. We start to enjoy the non-work days with no specific agenda and the ability to do whatever we wish to do. This could mean slouching on the couch and watching TV or reading a book or playing games - no work related stuff. Five days of the week we are occupied with work and its various vagaries - deadlines, politics, pressures, bosses etc. Over the weekend our minds become free of this and start getting into the motion called Rest. As Monday dawns we need to move our minds away from this motion and inertia takes over. Monday mornings are a fight of mind v/s .....well really - mind!! One part of our mind is in inertia and does not want to break free from this motion while the other portion KNOWS that we need to break free and get back to the dreaded task of earning our living. I guess our minds get so befuddled with this external force that is trying to break the motion that it takes half a day and sometimes the full day to get back into the motion called Work only to have this repeat itself the next Monday. :)

Is there a cure for this? Of course there is.....get a job that is your dream job and that you really enjoy to do. Is that easy? Of course not.....there are a few of us who manage to get that golden snitch but a lot of us really keep searching for it through our lives. We wish we did not have to go back to work on Monday, we drag ourselves to work and start our machines. Over the next few hours the new force takes over and we get into the motion called Work. The only interesting part about Newton's First Law of Motion as it applies to 'everybody' is that it does not work over the weekend. The weekend force applied to the Work motion is easily able to break the inertia but the Work Force is not able to break the weekend motion's inertia that easily! :)

So in the Qudditch of life the few seekers who find the golden snitch of a dream job do not face the dreaded Monday Morning Blues and their inertia is perpetual.

For the rest of us blighters we suffer the First Law of Motion as it applies to everybody and keep searching for the golden snitch!